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Wedding Woes

My wedding isnt what i want

We are planning our wedding for may 11th 2019. We are two people who would elope but my family has guilted me and my mother cries and guilt trips me that it would break her heart and everyone else's. 8ts all any one talks about now and im ready to just call off the whole thing. They all have their ideas of how i should do it and when i say something they tell me why its wrong but two seconds later tell me "you can have it any way you want". I have already been told people are coming without so much as asking me first. I dread it already and thats not how its supposed to be.

Re: My wedding isnt what i want

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We are planning our wedding for may 11th 2019. We are two people who would elope but my family has guilted me and my mother cries and guilt trips me that it would break her heart and everyone else's. 8ts all any one talks about now and im ready to just call off the whole thing. They all have their ideas of how i should do it and when i say something they tell me why its wrong but two seconds later tell me "you can have it any way you want". I have already been told people are coming without so much as asking me first. I dread it already and thats not how its supposed to be.
    Who is paying for your wedding?
    charlotte989875sparklepants41
  • Just us, and yes i know this means nobody technically has a say other than us but it doesn't help me feel any better about the whole thing
    MesmrEwe
  • What do you have planned that you are happy with? What are you unhappy with?

    also, stop taking to people about your wedding. If they bring it up, say something like “I need a break from thinking about the wedding, how’s little Suzy’s soccer going?”
    eileenrobInLoveInQueens
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I personally am of the thought that you and your FI should have the exact wedding you want. If that means eloping, DO IT. 

    What aspects of the wedding are you not happy with?

    ShesSoColdcharlotte989875mrsconn23InLoveInQueens
  • A wedding and reception with guests is a LOT of money to spend, if that isn't even what you and your FI want anyway.

    Think about it this way.  Do you really want to spend $5K-$30K+ on a one-day event JUST to make other people happy?  Yet, causes stress and takes away happiness for you and your FI.

    And it doesn't even have to be "all or none".  If it's really important for your mom to be at the ceremony and you all are okay with that, then have a very small wedding and take everyone out to lunch or dinner afterward for the reception.  For example, just parents and their SOs invited.  Or just immediate family and their SOs invited.  Whatever makes sense and is in the budget, for you and your FI. 

    No one "deserves" an invitation to your wedding, unless you have already sent STDs or have verbally invited someone.  If questioned, it is perfectly fine to rinse and repeat something like, "We're having a small wedding with just immediate family."  Or, "We've chosen to have a private wedding with no guests."

    Just for semantics.  Eloping=Getting married and no one knows about it, until after the fact.  Private wedding=You/Your FI and any witnesses required, ie no guests, but people are aware you're getting married.

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    charlotte989875mrsconn23thisismynickname2InLoveInQueens
  • Just us, and yes i know this means nobody technically has a say other than us but it doesn't help me feel any better about the whole thing
    OK, replace wedding with another larger purchase.  Would your let other people tell you what kind of car to buy?  House? 

    Would you let someone dictate what to name your pet?  Or child?  

    I know a wedding is an event, but it's also something that should reflect your desires as a couple.  Furthermore, it's just the ceremony that actually makes it all official...the rest is party planning.  And if it's coming out of your bank account, then you should call the shots. 

    I'd halt the planning process, and regroup with your fiance (and only your FI), about what you truly want.  Then move forward with that and stop talking to anyone else about your plans.  It's most important that you and your FI work together on this and resolving this issue will help you resolve larger conflicts and/or handle more serious issues better as a team in the future. 
    short+sassy
  • It's o.k. to STOP being the people pleaser and make a decision and delegate it to your vendors, vendors love to get an actual easy order every now and then!  "Hi - Florist - my budget is $$$, I need a bridal bouquet, groom's bout, corsages for Moms, bouts for Dads, BM/GM, and our color is this color swatch (with date,venue, time you need them delivered" ... "Baker - I have a budget of $$$$ to feed X guests dessert, Date, Venue, time.  Here's my invite/picture of your attire/color swatch - Can't wait - here's the payment!"..  "Grocery Store Deli/caterer - Hi - I'm planning an event for X people, I need your typical "Chicken and Ham" spread (All caterers offer a budget friendly option if you ask!  We saved $5/head on my parent's 50th Anniversary party by going with the "you get what you get caterer's choice" spread over the exact same meal option if we'd chosen it and no one walked away hungry!) with the sides, Date/time - do you deliver or do we need someone to pick it up?"..  Do this JUST as you would if you were eloping..  Your wedding does not need to be complicated, you're hiring professionals to do their job, answer their questions and it'll cut down on the time/stress involved from you.  They got to plan their wedding(s) - now you get to plan yours even though I get it, you got guilt tripped into this and that part you aren't likely to change even though you want to!

    As others have mentioned, you need a good ole recipe for Bean Dip when people bring up your wedding.  If THEY promised invites to people, and didn't bother to write out a check to you to pay for the venue nor the cost of the guests being properly hosted, SUCKS TO BE THEM!  This is not a YOU issue, this is a THEM issue.  When you hear that from someone on the street, your answer needs to be "We'd love to invite everyone, but unfortunately our budget and venue only allows so many, I'm sorry ___ gave you the wrong information!"..  Don't be mean about it, but if you can't invite them, don't lead them to believe they are invited when they aren't and someone else told them they were!  

    If you don't want a dance/DJ, don't hire one.  If YOU don't want a big fancy cake, don't have one.  If you don't want an aisle runner, don't have one!  Many people get married in their garage with a friend officiating the ceremony with essentially a fully hosted "grad party" type spread (hot dogs/BBQ in a Nesco/sides/chips/sheet cake/coolers of pop/water/beer and plenty of seating for everyone and tent in case of rain).  Properly hosting your guests is what is important, not how fancy you can host guests for an event you were guilt-tripped into having OR they hire an all-inclusive venue and don't lift a finger.  Have the event that doesn't stress you out!  Stop and make an inventory of what you've got that you want, and fix those things that aren't what you want keeping in mind that your guests need to be properly hosted since you're having them (even if that means "2PM service with cake/punch to follow ending at 4:00"..)
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