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Wedding Woes

Al-Anon, counseling, drop the hammer?

Dear Prudence,
My husband of many years quit drinking 20 years ago. About seven years ago, he became addicted to cough medicine. He got sober again. Now, three times in the past year, I’ve caught him using again. I feel betrayed and lied to, although he says he never promised not to. We had plans to retire in four years and enjoy our lives together, but now I don’t know what to do. I understand the economic realities of divorce on middle-aged women, but I don’t feel I can live my life wondering when the next time I’ll catch him using is. I am at a loss for how to proceed.
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Re: Al-Anon, counseling, drop the hammer?

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    If "economic realities" are the only thing stopping you from divorcing him, bite the bullet and do it. For the benefit of both of you.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    mrsconn23levioosaOurWildKingdom
  • What do you want LW?  Do you want the marriage to end?  Do you want him to stop?  If he doesn't how do you want to proceed? 

    You can't control his actions - only yours.   What's the dealbreaker here?  If you can't be with an addict who lies and gaslights then you need to decide what's best.   And if the economic reality of divorce is hard look for a lawyer who can lay out that your husband may bear some responsibility for your finances and also help you align yours with the realities of your future. 
    short+sassyeileenrobOurWildKingdom
  • It sounds like he doesn't see a problem with occasionally using cough medicine in a substance abuse way.  Since he doesn't see a problem, I think that's going to be a pretty insurmountable hill if it's a problem for her.  Maybe, maybe if he is willing to stop for her sake, he could do it with individual and couples counseling.  Because he will need to find other ways to soothe himself that are not substance abuse related.  But she also needs to decide if this is a dealbreaker for her.  And take the necessary steps to move-on, as hard as that is, if he isn't willing to completely stop.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I think my Mom wrote this maybe. 

    But if your only fear is the economic realities of being divorced that’s not a good reason to stay married. 
    kvruns
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I think the economic realities of an addict abusing finances to get their next high would be a more concerning factor. 


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    charlotte989875MesmrEwe
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    LW needs Al-Anon and counseling. 
    maine7mob
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    levioosa said:
    I think the economic realities of an addict abusing finances to get their next high would be a more concerning factor. 
    I think this can be part of the problem. There are plenty of addicts out there who are able to hold a job and remain financially stable. (aka functional alcoholics). We as a society tend to sweep this alcohol abuse under the rug, because the addict doesn't look like what we expect an addict to look like.

    If the husband remains functional, it allows LW to make excuses and see it as "not that bad". It probably also helps him with the denial. His addiction may have all sorts of other problems, but he may be able to continue using without destroying their finances. 
    Oh of course. I completely agree with you. I meant more the fact that just because he’s not abusing finances now doesn’t mean LW is safe forever. 


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    charlotte989875MyNameIsNot
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