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Wedding Woes

You have to entertain your best friend at your house?

Dear Prudence,
My best friend is always early, to the point of rudeness. We’ll make dinner plans and she’ll arrive half an hour early, or I’ll invite her to a party and she’ll show up at my door an hour before any other guests arrive, forcing me to entertain her while I’m trying to get ready. She says it stems from anxiety about having always been late to things in her teenage years when other people had to drive her, which makes sense, but is there any kind way to say that sometimes being too early is just as bad (if not worse) than being late?
—Annoying Early Bird

Re: You have to entertain your best friend at your house?

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Yeah I'm also surprised that if this is the best friend of the LW, that he or she doesn't just give them a job to do. 

    But if LW is uncomfortable with it, use your words and TALK TO THIS PERSON. How hard is "When I have a party, I spend a lot of time prepping before and I'd have for you to get bored while I'm working, so if you could try to arrive later, when the party starts, that would be great."???
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    mrsconn23charlotte989875
  • USE YOUR WORDS.

    "When we agree to a 6 PM dinner reservation and you show up at 5:30 it makes ME anxious.   When you show up to my home an hour before I asked you to arrive, I'm not ready for you." 

    It's either that or tell LW in no uncertain terms that if you show up to my house ahead of schedule be prepared that I'm not and you're going to be handed a broom. 
    short+sassycharlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yes, use your words is the adult response. I'd be really tempted to be passive-aggressive AF, though. e.g. Not answer the door when the bell rings an hour before the party starts. Or hand her the remote and tell her I'm busy and that she can entertain herself until the party starts. 
    Casadena
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    DH hates to be late for the same reason.  I have to force him to wait until 7:01 for a 7 pm party.  His dad was always late and it drove him insane so I can understand the friend to some extent.

    LW needs to tell her friend that the earliness bothers her.  Instead of entertaining her she either needs to ignore her and do what she needs or put the friend to work. 

    I admit I miss getting ready with my friends before going out.  I wouldn't mind someone sitting with someone while they did their makeup or wiped counters, but if it made my friend uncomfortable I wouldn't.

    charlotte989875
  • Especially for a BFF, I wouldn't in any way feel obligated to entertain her while I'm still getting ready.  I'd tell her, "I'm still doing X,Y,Z.  But feel free to grab a drink and sit in the living room.  Or hang out with me in the kitchen and chop veggies/(insert job)."

    As for a reservation, how does that even affect the LW?  If our reservation is for 6:00, I'll be there for 6:00.  Maybe a few minutes sooner.  If she texts me at 5:30 that she is there, if it's convenient for me, I'll try to get there sooner.  If it isn't, I'll text back I'll get there as soon as I can, but it probably won't be before 6:00.  NBD.  Sorrynotsorry if she has to wait around.  That was her choice and I wouldn't feel the slightest bit bad about it.

    Yeah - if there are reservations involved I won't feel the least bit guilty.

    "If you wanted me here at 5:30 then we should have had 5:30 reservations.   Grab a drink and I'll be there at 6:00 as we discussed." 
    short+sassyeileenrobcharlotte989875
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    LW can use her words to fix this. It’s supposedly her bff. Surely she can mention how inconvenient it is or give her something to do. 

    On a side note, this reminds me of something FI will do. Since (let’s be honest) I’m the one who hosts, I’ll set a time for our gatherings/dinners/parties. When talking to his parents or other people coming, FI will tell them, “hey, the party starts at 3 but feel free to come an hour or two early!” No. If I wanted the party to start at 1 or 2, I would have made the start time at 1 or 2. Stop fucking telling people they can come early. I am cooking, I am cleaning, I am putting makeup on. Stop telling people they can come two hours early. #rantover


    image
    eileenrobshort+sassycharlotte989875
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I also don't see why this is such an issue. If she wants to show up early to a restaurant, who cares? If my best friend shows up early for a party, she can hang out while I finish getting ready. But also, if this person is your best friend, just TALK TO HER. 

  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    We have every birthday party at 1 pm. Every birthday party someone shows up at noon.  Dh and I take bets on who will be first.  Every birthday party lasts until like 7 too. 
  • Ditto use your words.  LW strikes me as super non-confrontational that they can’t talk to their best friend about this.  If they can’t, they should try harder to not feel bothered over the thought of the  friend hanging around at a restaurant early.  And for parties, just tell your friend it starts at 8 if it actually starts at 7.  (Still think the best advice is ask use your words, but if he/she can’t, a lie works too.  I don’t like anyone around no matter how close we are in the hour leading up to a party.)
  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments First Answer
    edited January 10
    eileenrob said:
    Ditto use your words.  LW strikes me as super non-confrontational that they can’t talk to their best friend about this.  If they can’t, they should try harder to not feel bothered over the thought of the  friend hanging around at a restaurant early.  And for parties, just tell your friend it starts at 8 if it actually starts at 7.  (Still think the best advice is ask use your words, but if he/she can’t, a lie works too.  I don’t like anyone around no matter how close we are in the hour leading up to a party.)
     I was waiting for someone to say this, lol!  I would just "pad" the timing...  party starts at 7?  Dear friend gets an invite that says 8:00pm :)

    (Admittedly, not the most mature approach, but it could work)


    ETA: words
    eileenrobcharlotte989875sparklepants41
  • NowIAmSyp said:
    eileenrob said:
    Ditto use your words.  LW strikes me as super non-confrontational that they can’t talk to their best friend about this.  If they can’t, they should try harder to not feel bothered over the thought of the  friend hanging around at a restaurant early.  And for parties, just tell your friend it starts at 8 if it actually starts at 7.  (Still think the best advice is ask use your words, but if he/she can’t, a lie works too.  I don’t like anyone around no matter how close we are in the hour leading up to a party.)
     I was waiting for someone to say this, lol!  I would just "pad" the timing...  party starts at 7?  Dear friend gets an invite that says 8:00pm :)


    Like what people sometimes do if they know someone with the opposite problem, lol.  "Honey, you know your mom runs so late.  Let's tell her the party starts 2:00, even though it really starts at 3:00."

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  • NowIAmSyp said:
    eileenrob said:
    Ditto use your words.  LW strikes me as super non-confrontational that they can’t talk to their best friend about this.  If they can’t, they should try harder to not feel bothered over the thought of the  friend hanging around at a restaurant early.  And for parties, just tell your friend it starts at 8 if it actually starts at 7.  (Still think the best advice is ask use your words, but if he/she can’t, a lie works too.  I don’t like anyone around no matter how close we are in the hour leading up to a party.)
     I was waiting for someone to say this, lol!  I would just "pad" the timing...  party starts at 7?  Dear friend gets an invite that says 8:00pm :)


    Like what people sometimes do if they know someone with the opposite problem, lol.  "Honey, you know your mom runs so late.  Let's tell her the party starts 2:00, even though it really starts at 3:00."

    I do that with my SILs for my kids’ parties.  Literally write 12 noon when I write 1pm on every other invited. Kids crap out.  If the birthday fun has been going on since 1pm, cake really has to come out by 3-3:30.  Which I feel rude doing if they’ve only just arrived at 2:30. 

    charlotte989875
  • 6fsn said:


    I admit I miss getting ready with my friends before going out.  I wouldn't mind someone sitting with someone while they did their makeup or wiped counters, but if it made my friend uncomfortable I wouldn't.

    Yes! That was always so much fun in college/early 20s. We'd have drinks, crank up the music and dance around and just have fun. 

    In this case I'd put the friend to work if you can or just be like I need to get ready, you can sit in here with me or here's the remote watch some tv
    charlotte989875eileenrobthisismynickname2
  • One problem with the telling the friend the wrong time - if she is "late", she'll get the anxiety again.
    imageimage
    ShesSoColdSTARMOON44
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    So, i spend a lot of time at my house out of my pants.  I often joke to one group of friends “give me a 5 minute warning when your close so i can put pants on” (not that it takes me 5 minutes to put pants on....)

    One of my friends is like LW’s best friend. If I invite her over at 2, she’ll get there at 1:30.  It’s something that i have to start to prepare for now because her being early does annoy me.  I base my day around when people tell me they show up.  I could be sleeping... sometimes I’m still eating (pantless) and “ding dong” oh. There she is.  Over 1/2 hr early!  I actually stopped inviting her over, really.  Only when she really really needs to. 

    charlotte989875STARMOON44InLoveInQueens
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    So, i spend a lot of time at my house out of my pants.  I often joke to one group of friends “give me a 5 minute warning when your close so i can put pants on” (not that it takes me 5 minutes to put pants on....)

    One of my friends is like LW’s best friend. If I invite her over at 2, she’ll get there at 1:30.  It’s something that i have to start to prepare for now because her being early does annoy me.  I base my day around when people tell me they show up.  I could be sleeping... sometimes I’m still eating (pantless) and “ding dong” oh. There she is.  Over 1/2 hr early!  I actually stopped inviting her over, really.  Only when she really really needs to. 
    Hah, my sister texts "On my way, put pants on!" pretty much every time she comes over. 

    I'm generally mostly naked at home. Which, unfortunately for both of us, H's uncle found out on Saturday. I was at home on the couch in a tank top (no bra) and little pajama shorts when he stopped by unannounced. Rick wasn't home and I had to awkwardly stand so he couldn't tell that I was cold. Ugh how embarrassing. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875mrsconn23thisismynickname2
  • So, i spend a lot of time at my house out of my pants.  I often joke to one group of friends “give me a 5 minute warning when your close so i can put pants on” (not that it takes me 5 minutes to put pants on....)

    One of my friends is like LW’s best friend. If I invite her over at 2, she’ll get there at 1:30.  It’s something that i have to start to prepare for now because her being early does annoy me.  I base my day around when people tell me they show up.  I could be sleeping... sometimes I’m still eating (pantless) and “ding dong” oh. There she is.  Over 1/2 hr early!  I actually stopped inviting her over, really.  Only when she really really needs to. 
    Hah, my sister texts "On my way, put pants on!" pretty much every time she comes over. 

    I'm generally mostly naked at home. Which, unfortunately for both of us, H's uncle found out on Saturday. I was at home on the couch in a tank top (no bra) and little pajama shorts when he stopped by unannounced. Rick wasn't home and I had to awkwardly stand so he couldn't tell that I was cold. Ugh how embarrassing. 
    A few years back (OMG, almost 8 years actually), a few of us on here started working from home at the same time.  The big joke was that we were living the 'pants free' life.  I wish I could be out of clothes more than I am.  In a house full of guys, one being a teenager, I'm pretty aware of my state of dress/undress.  I mean, the kiddo's learned by experience that he should not just bust into my room without knocking first.  

    Also, I'm a person who tries to be about 5-10 min early to meet people.  Parties, I try to show up on time or about 15-30 min after the start time (if it's a free flow kind of thing).  I will cop to getting anxious/irritated if I'm meeting someone and they are late.  I feel self-conscious standing there alone and clearly looking like I'm waiting for someone.  But I know that's shit that is my issue.  ;) 
  • If i'm going to someone's home for a party or just to hang out I pretty much refuse to be even 1 minute earlier than the start time.  If we're meeting at a restaurant or something, I usually am 5-10 minutes early and if they have not yet arrived it's no big deal to wait or get seated and wait at the table. 

    Clearly LW and her friend have discussed this topic seeing that she knows where the habit stems from.  In that case, I would just be very up front about it when it comes to times that it affects her (i.e. showing up way early to her home) and tell her it's not ok and to please stop.  Not LW's business if she's showing up to other places early - as long as LW is on time, there's no issue.

    charlotte989875
  • The thing that gets me is that the LW's friend is admitting to her own issue but not acknowledging that her over compensation is its own issue.


    Casadenacharlotte989875
  • So, i spend a lot of time at my house out of my pants.  I often joke to one group of friends “give me a 5 minute warning when your close so i can put pants on” (not that it takes me 5 minutes to put pants on....)

    One of my friends is like LW’s best friend. If I invite her over at 2, she’ll get there at 1:30.  It’s something that i have to start to prepare for now because her being early does annoy me.  I base my day around when people tell me they show up.  I could be sleeping... sometimes I’m still eating (pantless) and “ding dong” oh. There she is.  Over 1/2 hr early!  I actually stopped inviting her over, really.  Only when she really really needs to. 
    Yup. 30 minutes before a party I’m running around in my undies doing last minute prep and cleaning and my hair and makeup. Even my bestie is not welcome!
    charlotte989875eileenrob
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited January 11
    In my house, people who show early to a party get put to work. 
    My house too. “Want to put out the snacks/walk the dog/pick up a bag of ice?”

    Or if there really isn’t anything to do, give them the remote and/or the WiFi password.
  • In my house, people who show early to a party get put to work. 
    My house too. “Want to put out the snacks/walk the dog/pick up a bag of ice?”

    Or if there really isn’t anything to do, give them the remote and/or the WiFi password.
    I didn't even think of this until your post.  But my dog would put to work any person hanging around, lol.  If you're inside, she'll bring you her stuffy (stuffed animal toy) to toss.  If you're outside, she'll bring you her ball to toss.
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    charlotte989875OurWildKingdomeileenrobdowntondiva
  • In my house, people who show early to a party get put to work. 
    My house too. “Want to put out the snacks/walk the dog/pick up a bag of ice?”

    Or if there really isn’t anything to do, give them the remote and/or the WiFi password.
    I didn't even think of this until your post.  But my dog would put to work any person hanging around, lol.  If you're inside, she'll bring you her stuffy (stuffed animal toy) to toss.  If you're outside, she'll bring you her ball to toss.
    And I would be that party guest who spent the entire night playing with the dog!
    image
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
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