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Moms and Maids

Destination Bachelorette Cost

Hi,

I'm in a destination wedding this fall - in Nashville, all of the BP (+ the bride) live in MI except the MOH - and now the bride is doing a destination bachelorette as well in Napa. Unfortunately I already purchased my (non-refundable/exchangeable) plane ticket, so saying I cannot attend isn't really an option, but I'm not sure how to handle the cost situation. The MOH sent out an email the other day with all the costs per person listed out, which has us all splitting the costs of everything for the bride minus her travel and accommodations. I feel like this is a bit excessive. In addition to wine tastings, we're doing some tours, a pretty expensive dinner, etc., so the costs are quickly adding up. I feel like since the bachelorette party is destination, the bride should be covering herself for activities, meals, etc. except maybe we all buy her a drink or two each. I'm not sure how to bring this up with the MOH. I've never met any of the other girls in the party MOH included. Being in this wedding was already going to cost a lot since it's a destination in the first place, but now with the destination bachelorette is just becoming too much. 

How do I bring this up with the MOH? Or do I just pitch in like everyone else and keep my mouth shut?

Help!

Re: Destination Bachelorette Cost

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would adopt the perspective that while the MOH was negligent in asking about the wedding party members' budgets, she made an oversight but did not have malicious intentions.

    It would be reasonable to tell her: "MOH, it is not possible for me to contribute to the cost of any 'destination' events for Bride. I can do X, Y, and Z locally." Don't bring up that your budget is stretched, because that comes across as defensive and imparts information to which she's not entitled. Just set your limits.
    MesmrEwe
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Ditto @MobKaz. Sorry you're faced with this situation, OP. 


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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    I would adopt the perspective that while the MOH was negligent in asking about the wedding party members' budgets, she made an oversight but did not have malicious intentions.

    It would be reasonable to tell her: "MOH, it is not possible for me to contribute to the cost of any 'destination' events for Bride. I can do X, Y, and Z locally." Don't bring up that your budget is stretched, because that comes across as defensive and imparts information to which she's not entitled. Just set your limits.
    The problem with this is that she has already booked her travel plans. She just wasn't aware she would be expected to cover the bride's expenses (other than travel) and she had no input for the activities.
    charlotte989875MobKazInLoveInQueens
  • Thanks for the input, everyone. This is definitely a good lesson to get better details on what costs come with the activities before agreeing to the destination and booking travel. Ugh. Next time. 

    Do you think at this point it's appropriate to suggest to the MOH that maybe the bride pitch in for her own meals, etc. or is suggesting lower cost alternatives where we still pay for her the only option? I'm just afraid that the MOH could be set on the activities themselves. I'm not sure the proper etiquette for destination BPs in terms of who pays. For mine, my friends covered everything (though I offered/tried to pitch in) but it was local to all but an OOO BM, and my MOH told me the cost per person was like $100. So I really have no idea of the "right" thing to do here. 
  • That makes sense and I agree, @MobKaz. I guess my question is whether the reduction in cost should come from doing the same activities but paying my own way only vs. a portion of the bride's OR from doing lower cost activities but then being able to treat the bride. 
    MesmrEwe
  • Or put another way, is it ok to expect the bride to pitch in for a DBP or is that poor taste?
  • Sometimes you can add trip insurance to previously purchased tickets as an "upgrade"...  Or, you could transfer the ticket to the bride and choose not to go because the rest would stretch your budget way too thin.  

    Really - what MobKaz and others have said, and I agree, I am also one that I have no desire to spend money frivolously on someone else's vacation when I wouldn't even do those things on my own vacation.  You need to be the one to stand up and say that this level of event is out of your budget in whichever terms you choose, the sooner the better.   It is entirely possible to have an affordable trip out there without breaking the bank while still taking in the full experience.  Also, there is also the reality of getting out there and deciding NOT to do activities because of wanting to relax poolside and take the wine in from there.
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  • I would simply say that the cost of the activities is too much for you. Give her an amount you are comfortable with - or something you are willing to pay for. For example, I can cover her dinner or something. And you might suggest some lower cost activities. 
    MobKazMesmrEwe
  • I think it’s totally fine to expect the bride to pay for her expenses. I think it’s crazy to expect people to go one vacation them complete pay for everything for another person. 

    H went on a DW bachelor party this year and he and the other GMs paid for the grooms share of the house and then dinners out but they definitely didn’t cover his flights. And I’m pretty sure the groom picked up the bar or dinner tabs a few times. (Clearly wasn’t there so I don’t know all the specifics). 

    I think its fine to tell the MOH you wont pay what she sent you; I’d offer $x and she can allocate as she sees fit. If that means adjusting the activities or her picking up the costs then that’s on her. im envisioning she’s expecting you to pay for the bride to get a massage/manicure/all food and drinks and IMO that’s excessive. 
    InLoveInQueensMesmrEweeileenrob
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