You've done what you 'can' do.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

I love my girlfriend and her generous heart, but we are having a big disagreement. She comes from a tiny, rural community, while I grew up here in our city with a huge homeless problem. Donating cash to beggars doesn’t help them—it only makes you a target. It doesn’t help that we are both tiny little lesbians. I have been stalked and cursed by street people in college. I know several people who were robbed. My girlfriend doesn’t get it. Every time she smiles and opens up her purse to give up a dollar, she is flashing a sign that says “fresh meat.” Especially at night! We do donate to several local causes and give money to the food bank. I am happy to go volunteer with her at a shelter or hand out blankets and socks with an organization. My girlfriend tells me I have a compassion problem. We don’t have a car and depend on public transportation to get to work. I am very worried something might happen to her. What can I do here?

—Close the Charity

6fsn

If the girlfriend insists on giving money, maybe the discussion should be to keep $1 in a pocket so she’s not opening the wallet?

ShesSoCold

Yeah, if LW has already talked to her GF about it, nothing else she can do. I like 6's suggestion and perhaps there's other similar things LW's GF can do to keep herself safe while still helping. 

I've fought a homeless guy for my own wallet and I really don't recommend it. 

climbingsingle

Yeah, the opening of the wallet is really concerning. 

VarunaTT

I would've dumped LW already.  Honestly, K and I met b/c I was talking to someone about a homeless program, K chirped in to say that their current GF believed homeless people did it to themselves, I told K their GF was a bitch, and yeah, few weeks later we were dating and that GF was history.

Yes, there are issues with homeless people.  Yes, there are issues with crime. The two do and do not overlap.  I'm sorry LW has experiences with that overlap.  But GF wants to help, so let her.  I agree with putting the money in a more accessible spot than taking the time to open a purse or bag (though doing that carries it's own issues).  If LW is so concerned about security, they should be carrying pepper spray and making sure of surroundings and where they're walking.  But homeless people as the Big Baddies of The Street is really cringe worthy to me.  You can be robbed/mugged anywhere, by anyone.

banana468

"I appreciate that you feel this way but please understand that my feelings come from experience and concern. " 

short+sassy

Interesting timing for me!  There is a huge convo post going on right now on my local Nextdoor about panhandling.

Like the LW, I discourage people from giving actual cash to panhandlers.  You have no idea who they are.  They might not be needy at all.  They might be a drug or alcohol addict and that is where the money is going.  If a person feels a need to help and is often in this situation (which is what the letter sounds like), then keep a few non-perishable items handy.  Power bar, bottle of water, pair of socks, etc.  Save the monetary donations for charitable organizations that help people in need.  I'd tell the LW's g/f all of that.  PPs have other good ideas of keeping just a few dollars handy, rather than opening one's purse/wallet. 

I live in a high crime city.  Seriously, panhandler or not, if I don't know you, stay the F**K away from me.  You have no reason to approach me and I'm on guard, when you do.

With that said, I'm still polite to panhandlers...but only the first time they ask me for money.  If they continue to pester me or try to launch into some story that I could care less about, my smile disappears and my tone turns from friendly to harsh.  THAT is aggressive, potentially threatening, behavior.  Unfortunately, the majority of my experiences, have been the latter.

kerbohl

If I go for a walk at lunch, I often don't carry a wallet and I'm in a location that has a large amount of homeless people.  I've had someone ask me for money, then when I said I didn't have any, pointed to the ATM that was right behind him.  Still had no money ... and he seemed surprised.
I've given bus tickets in the past, especially when they ask for cash for the bus.  I don't carry bus tickets on me anymore, though ... 

thisismynickname2

I'm with @short+sassy

Plus, if I gave money to every panhandler on my daily commute I'd be broke. 

I work near a major train/bus transit station and I'm positive half the dirty 20-somethings asking for "bus fare to get home" are really just collecting drug money. There's also a guy that's been on the airport-connecting line for years claiming he "just got out of the hospital and needs money for his prescription." Uh huh. 

ShesSoCold

thisismynickname2 said:

I'm with @short+sassy

Plus, if I gave money to every panhandler on my daily commute I'd be broke. 

I work near a major train/bus transit station and I'm positive half the dirty 20-somethings asking for "bus fare to get home" are really just collecting drug money. There's also a guy that's been on the airport-connecting line for years claiming he "just got out of the hospital and needs money for his prescription." Uh huh. 

LOL I love the guy outside Ogilvie whose friends abandoned him and he just needs 70 more cents for the train. For the last five years.

One time a guy got really mean and shitty to me about how I should give him money because he had nothing. I was all mad and went back with, "Dude I'm $180,000 in debt. You're way ahead of me. You give me $10."

VarunaTT

IDK.  I often times think that I have a helluva support network and an education that saves me.  And that I would be caught by loved ones if I fell prey to a disease like addiction, when a lot of people in this world never had the chances I did. 

So, i gladly give my dollar and if a struggling person wants to use it for escapism for a few minutes of their life (much like I do, just with more money, vacations, wine, etc)...more power to them.  No matter how much they collect on the street, the likelihood of it actually being enough to change their circumstances is nothing.

short+sassy

thisismynickname2 said:

I'm with @short+sassy

Plus, if I gave money to every panhandler on my daily commute I'd be broke. 

I work near a major train/bus transit station and I'm positive half the dirty 20-somethings asking for "bus fare to get home" are really just collecting drug money. There's also a guy that's been on the airport-connecting line for years claiming he "just got out of the hospital and needs money for his prescription." Uh huh. 

Oh, completely!  For me, it's not even just the Downtown and areas near the freeway.  I can't even run errands anywhere without a better than 50% chance someone is going to hit me up for money.

After Mardi Gras, there is an uptick in panhandlers.  The story is always one of these:  1) They came to MG with either their friend/boyfriend/girlfriend. Got in a fight with said person, who were their ride and left town without them. Words about a bus ticket.  Or 2) Came to MG, but were robbed of all their money. Words about a bus ticket.

The actual story?  Probably the majority of the time is going down to New Orleans for MG sounded like a lot of fun.  Didn't have two dimes to rub together so they begged for money their whole way down.  Now the party's over.  So they're begging for money to get back home.  I have my own vacations I'm saving for.  I'm not giving any money to help fund someone else's, lol.

The Craig's List Housing Wanted section...which often has what I call "digital panhandling"...will have stories like that also.  Because inviting a stranger to freeload at one's place sounds super peachy and safe.

OurWildKingdom

kerbohl said:

If I go for a walk at lunch, I often don't carry a wallet and I'm in a location that has a large amount of homeless people.  I've had someone ask me for money, then when I said I didn't have any, pointed to the ATM that was right behind him.  Still had no money ... and he seemed surprised.
I've given bus tickets in the past, especially when they ask for cash for the bus.  I don't carry bus tickets on me anymore, though ... 

I almost never carry cash (bad habit, I know), and I’m honest about that when I’m approached by a panhandler. I’m surprised no one has directed me to the nearest ATM.

If I have time, I’ll buy food or bus tickets. Usually, I just say, “No, I’m sorry. Hope you have a better day.”

thisismynickname2

OurWildKingdom said:

kerbohl said:

If I go for a walk at lunch, I often don't carry a wallet and I'm in a location that has a large amount of homeless people.  I've had someone ask me for money, then when I said I didn't have any, pointed to the ATM that was right behind him.  Still had no money ... and he seemed surprised.
I've given bus tickets in the past, especially when they ask for cash for the bus.  I don't carry bus tickets on me anymore, though ... 

I almost never carry cash (bad habit, I know), and I’m honest about that when I’m approached by a panhandler. I’m surprised no one has directed me to the nearest ATM.

If I have time, I’ll buy food or bus tickets. Usually, I just say, “No, I’m sorry. Hope you have a better day.”

Same here- I don't carry cash. I'm polite though- I give a small smile and shake of my head to the general inquiries and a reply of "sorry I don't have cash" to the direct-to-me inquiries. 

I do feel bad for these people, whatever their circumstances. No need for me to be a dick to them. I'd rather support the organizations that are equipped to help them though. 

OliveOilsMom

VarunaTT said:

IDK.  I often times think that I have a helluva support network and an education that saves me.  And that I would be caught by loved ones if I fell prey to a disease like addiction, when a lot of people in this world never had the chances I did. 

So, i gladly give my dollar and if a struggling person wants to use it for escapism for a few minutes of their life (much like I do, just with more money, vacations, wine, etc)...more power to them.  No matter how much they collect on the street, the likelihood of it actually being enough to change their circumstances is nothing.

To the bolded:  In Atlantic City, there was a well known panhandler who was paralyzed and had a mechanical gurney she would drive around town to panhandle in different intersections.  One day she was hit by a car and died.  It was found that she had a huge house and very nice things.  You would have never guessed it!  She died probably 20 years ago now.  So there are professional panhandlers out there.  It does exist!

VarunaTT

Yes, but one bad apple does not mean that we turn a blind eye and ignorant cheek to everyone.  I mean, if you want to be judgmental to an entire group of marginalized people b/c this one time [fill in urban legend] ...go ahead.  I don't. 

Also, good for her.  She was paralyzed.  The bodily disabled are usually used in terrible manners for menial labor and face massive consequences if on disability.  For every star/inspiration porn we like to uphold as prime examples of those people who can, there are dozens of others left behind.  She chose something better.  People are just probably pissed that she didn't stay in her disabled, inspo-porn, lane.  Society wide, we deserved the con.

short+sassy

OliveOilsMom said:

VarunaTT said:

IDK.  I often times think that I have a helluva support network and an education that saves me.  And that I would be caught by loved ones if I fell prey to a disease like addiction, when a lot of people in this world never had the chances I did. 

So, i gladly give my dollar and if a struggling person wants to use it for escapism for a few minutes of their life (much like I do, just with more money, vacations, wine, etc)...more power to them.  No matter how much they collect on the street, the likelihood of it actually being enough to change their circumstances is nothing.

To the bolded:  In Atlantic City, there was a well known panhandler who was paralyzed and had a mechanical gurney she would drive around town to panhandle in different intersections.  One day she was hit by a car and died.  It was found that she had a huge house and very nice things.  You would have never guessed it!  She died probably 20 years ago now.  So there are professional panhandlers out there.  It does exist!

This is a big one for me also for people who panhandle at intersections/medians/in traffic.  No one should be encouraging that with money/handouts!!!!  It's especially not safe for the person panhandling and also has the potential to cause accidents.

Off of that same thought, the other thing I'll see is kids fundraising for their team/school trip/whatever by collecting donations in traffic.  The side of the road is just NOT a safe place to be hanging out.  I can't fathom why so many parents don't see the danger.  Even a minor fender-bender can cause a car to jump a curb.  Or a kid might go running out in front of a car because they're not paying attention.

VarunaTT

Who in the heck do y'all imagine homeless people are?

40% of homeless people are under the ago of 18.  Of those percentage, I think last count was 40% of that are LGBTQ and have become homeless because of that fact.  20-30% of the homeless are mentally ill.  They are abused women, they are children, they are veterans, they are the mentally ill, they are people suffering from the disease of addiction, they are poverty stricken.  Most of them will walk 10+ miles per day, and risk becoming street bait, prostitutes, or having their things stolen by citizens or anti-homeless architecture who don't want them whereever they've chosen to rest their heads.  Most of American is about 6 months away from homelessness, a year, even with all of the savings and family and future planning in the world.  I think it's a pretty rare homeless person that wouldn't prefer a secure roof, food, electricity, and water. 

There are organizations that help, not all homeless people can access it for various reason such as gender, age, location, or marital status.  I'm not saying you have to give panhandlers money, but perhaps stop with the judgement and pretend concern for their safety or fear over your own.  There are very nice looking, clean, educated, sober, and middle class people who would hurt you too.

short+sassy

VarunaTT said:

Who in the heck do y'all imagine homeless people are?

40% of homeless people are under the ago of 18.  Of those percentage, I think last count was 40% of that are LGBTQ and have become homeless because of that fact.  20-30% of the homeless are mentally ill.  They are abused women, they are children, they are veterans, they are the mentally ill, they are people suffering from the disease of addiction, they are poverty stricken.  Most of them will walk 10+ miles per day, and risk becoming street bait, prostitutes, or having their things stolen by citizens or anti-homeless architecture who don't want them whereever they've chosen to rest their heads.  Most of American is about 6 months away from homelessness, a year, even with all of the savings and family and future planning in the world.  I think it's a pretty rare homeless person that wouldn't prefer a secure roof, food, electricity, and water. 

There are organizations that help, not all homeless people can access it for various reason such as gender, age, location, or marital status.  I'm not saying you have to give panhandlers money, but perhaps stop with the judgement and pretend concern for their safety or fear over your own.  There are very nice looking, clean, educated, sober, and middle class people who would hurt you too.

That's exactly who I imagine homeless people are.  Though, not in my personal experience, at least as far as women and children.  The vast majority of panhandlers I see and who approach me are middle-aged men.  Occasionally women.  It's exceedingly rare I see children.  Not doubting your stats at all!  But my posts were primarily about my own experiences.

Which, overall, have been exceedingly negative ones with panhandlers.  About half will not take "no" for an answer, which is aggressive and an invasion of my privacy.  Occasionally, it's been threatening.  But, despite that overwhelming percentage, I don't judge a panhandler who approaches me.  I may not give money, but I treat them with respect and kindness and assume they will do the same.  Until their behavior shows otherwise.

As to the last sentence, yeah.  Absolutely.  When I used to work Downtown, I'd be just as wary when someone approached me on a deserted street, whether they were a panhandler or a guy in a suit.  I'd be looking around for what other people were around.  How far was the closest open business.  JIC.  Because I don't know what some random stranger's intentions are.

I fully admit to being judgey about addicts.  I'm sympathetic and wish there were better answers to addiction.  But it isn't a secret that some drugs are highly addictive and people chose to take them anyway.  I'm also judgey about people who are in poverty/poor because they refuse to work.  Definitely not the majority.  That would be more my Mardi Gras leftovers example.  Probably have a home somewhere, but won't plan past begging for what they want.

kerbohl

short+sassy said:

VarunaTT said:

Who in the heck do y'all imagine homeless people are?

40% of homeless people are under the ago of 18.  Of those percentage, I think last count was 40% of that are LGBTQ and have become homeless because of that fact.  20-30% of the homeless are mentally ill.  They are abused women, they are children, they are veterans, they are the mentally ill, they are people suffering from the disease of addiction, they are poverty stricken.  Most of them will walk 10+ miles per day, and risk becoming street bait, prostitutes, or having their things stolen by citizens or anti-homeless architecture who don't want them whereever they've chosen to rest their heads.  Most of American is about 6 months away from homelessness, a year, even with all of the savings and family and future planning in the world.  I think it's a pretty rare homeless person that wouldn't prefer a secure roof, food, electricity, and water. 

There are organizations that help, not all homeless people can access it for various reason such as gender, age, location, or marital status.  I'm not saying you have to give panhandlers money, but perhaps stop with the judgement and pretend concern for their safety or fear over your own.  There are very nice looking, clean, educated, sober, and middle class people who would hurt you too.

That's exactly who I imagine homeless people are.  Though, not in my personal experience, at least as far as women and children.  The vast majority of panhandlers I see and who approach me are middle-aged men.  Occasionally women.  It's exceedingly rare I see children.  Not doubting your stats at all!  But my posts were primarily about my own experiences.

Which, overall, have been exceedingly negative ones with panhandlers.  About half will not take "no" for an answer, which is aggressive and an invasion of my privacy.  Occasionally, it's been threatening.  But, despite that overwhelming percentage, I don't judge a panhandler who approaches me.  I may not give money, but I treat them with respect and kindness and assume they will do the same.  Until their behavior shows otherwise.

As to the last sentence, yeah.  Absolutely.  When I used to work Downtown, I'd be just as wary when someone approached me on a deserted street, whether they were a panhandler or a guy in a suit.  I'd be looking around for what other people were around.  How far was the closest open business.  JIC.  Because I don't know what some random stranger's intentions are.

I fully admit to being judgey about addicts.  I'm sympathetic and wish there were better answers to addiction.  But it isn't a secret that some drugs are highly addictive and people chose to take them anyway.  I'm also judgey about people who are in poverty/poor because they refuse to work.  Definitely not the majority.  That would be more my Mardi Gras leftovers example.  Probably have a home somewhere, but won't plan past begging for what they want.

That's interesting - that's been my experience too.  Despite the fact that I work a block away from a women's shelter and bike or walk past it every day.  I've donated to that women's shelter and to a charity that supports it, but I cannot recall a woman panhandler, aside from one, who has asked me for money all the time that I've been around.  
I did volunteer at a soup kitchen over the Christmas holidays, and that had a greater percentage of women and younger people.  But still, numbers skewed more to middle-aged men.  

GBCK

Maybe it's just where I am, but, in a lot of areas, I don't see the venn diagram of homeless and panhandler overlapping 100%.  I know the Mr. often knows who on his route panhandles because they need to and who panhandles while living the good life.

I work a block from the main homeless shelter in my area and about 4 blocks from the other; I walk more-or-less through the line of folks waiting for a bed semi-often.  I watch my back walking through that area...but in my own work parking lot, I watch my back even more, because it's sketchier/more deserted.
I try not to be judgy, I watch my back no matter where I am, and man, the balance is always hard.

banana468

FWIW, especially if I'm traveling as lone petite woman in a place like NYC I just try not to take out my wallet if it's not for a business transaction.   I also rarely have cash on me at all.

And even in that I've been approached by a panhandler (if she was homeless I don't know but she struck me as at mentally ill) but she was aggressive and it was in broad daylight.   Sorrynotsorry - I have to put my safety as a priority.   

thisismynickname2

@VarunaTT I do admire your compassion, I do. But, some of us live in different areas where our experiences are different. I would agree most of the panhandlers I see (the "permanent" ones on my commute, the same street corners downtown) appear to have extreme issues and certainly aren't the professional beggars, nor have they ever appeared dangerous. But I watch my back at all times because of common sense.  

But then, you come across an article about what's going on in Seattle, (clicky on Seattle) or San Francisco. The linked article is a long one, but the compassion-driven policies of very liberal cities are attracting homeless. And a lot of people won't go to shelters because they don't like the services for whatever reason. There are cities, like Seattle as cited, spending $100k PER HOMELESS PERSON. $100k!!! Per person!! Why does it cost so much? $100k is well over the average household salary in this country. It blows my mind that taxpayers are forced to support programs for people well in excess of what they can earn themselves to put a roof over their own family and food in their own family's mouths. 

I don't have a solution. At all. But I still have the freedom to judge people and programs, and throw up my hands in resignation at the failings of human nature. 
Edit- link

VarunaTT

I understand the Seattle issue completely.  Weirdly enough, my medium city in my state also attacts homeless people from all over the state, including the bigger cities sending them to us by bus, exactly b/c we do have so many organizations and resources that are reaching out to help them.  And I've watched the bougie responses to that and the increasingly anti-homeless architecture spring up throughout my city in response and an ACLU lawsuit.  I also live downtown, where my dumpster bin is routinely raided, watched a street worker bath in a gutter, and crossed the street to avoid panhandlers and rough looking street people.  I've also friended some of the people, served meals to someone that my first though was why was she dressed so nicely and homeless and my 2nd was realizing she was a prostitute.  This is not a "big city only" problem.

But the fact that we are spending so much money, shows that people continue to remain ignorant on the causes of homelessness and the help they actually  need.  We had a failed program here where a bus was picking the homeless to try and get them to work.  It failed for many reasons; none of those reasons was because there weren't people trying to take them up on the offer of work.

I'm not saying you shouldn't look out for your personal protection.  I'm saying that to assume you need to because someone is homeless is gross.  Also in thinking about this last night, I feel there's a bit of "country mouse vs. city mouse" going on and LW needs to calm down about that.

ETA:  I didn't even include the fact that where my dumpster is is a bit of a protected area and I've observed a drug deal, someone shooting up, and a sex deal go down.  I didn't hang out to keep observing, but I just walked back into my secured apartment.

Ro041

I live in one of the most dangerous cities in America (if not the most deadly city in America).  I live in the heart of the city and work downtown.  I take exception to some of the comments here about dirty 20-somethings and addicts.  It all just comes across as so....heartless.  The homeless population in my city aren't the ones killing people or breaking in to cars.  

If someone asks me for a dollar, I will gift it to them if I have it.  As a gift, I don't ask them what they are going to do with it.  I don't give them a power bar because I don't trust an adult with the gift I give them and think that I know what they need.  Hell, I bet if I was braving some of these winter conditions, I might need a bit of liquor to warm up.  If I don't want to gift them the dollar they are asking for, then I don't.  

ei34

I’m with you @Ro041.  If I have some cash on me, I give it.  Whether it’s being used on a bacon egg and cheese or a 40 isn’t for me to worry about.  I’m not doing anything on a larger scale to help addicts in my city so I can’t pretend like I care how my money is being spent.
For most of my 20s, while I was in grad school/post-grad trying to land a school counseling job, I visited homebound patients all over my city as a Social Work Assistant for a home healthcare organization. Lots of time on the subway.  Many scary encounters with homeless people and mentally ill individuals.  The best advice I can give LW’s gf is to keep some cash in her pocket but outside her wallet.  Even in the ritziest suburb I don’t think it’s smart to whip out your wallet and leaf through it. 
Varuna’s stats on our country’s homeless population definitely isnt reflected in my city.  I don’t doubt the stats in any way it’s just the entire country vs. my one city. I do agree with the sentiment that there’s a lot of judgment against those who are homeless and no where near enough services for mentally ill peoole.

ShesSoCold

VarunaTT said:

I understand the Seattle issue completely.  Weirdly enough, my medium city in my state also attacts homeless people from all over the state, including the bigger cities sending them to us by bus, exactly b/c we do have so many organizations and resources that are reaching out to help them.  And I've watched the bougie responses to that and the increasingly anti-homeless architecture spring up throughout my city in response and an ACLU lawsuit.  I also live downtown, where my dumpster bin is routinely raided, watched a street worker bath in a gutter, and crossed the street to avoid panhandlers and rough looking street people.  I've also friended some of the people, served meals to someone that my first though was why was she dressed so nicely and homeless and my 2nd was realizing she was a prostitute.  This is not a "big city only" problem.

But the fact that we are spending so much money, shows that people continue to remain ignorant on the causes of homelessness and the help they actually  need.  We had a failed program here where a bus was picking the homeless to try and get them to work.  It failed for many reasons; none of those reasons was because there weren't people trying to take them up on the offer of work.

I'm not saying you shouldn't look out for your personal protection.  I'm saying that to assume you need to because someone is homeless is gross.  Also in thinking about this last night, I feel there's a bit of "country mouse vs. city mouse" going on and LW needs to calm down about that.

ETA:  I didn't even include the fact that where my dumpster is is a bit of a protected area and I've observed a drug deal, someone shooting up, and a sex deal go down.  I didn't hang out to keep observing, but I just walked back into my secured apartment.

Yesss! To the bolded! I was having a hard time putting my finger on it but LW writes very condescendingly and it's got a tone of "oh my cute little girlfriend, so naive from her cute little country town, no knowledge of the real world". 

I also really appreciate everyone's input here on this. I learn a lot from you guys and you're right. I've been a "don't give money to homeless or they'll buy drugs" person before. But the 48 cents in my pocket are not going to make or break anyone's life and who TF am I to judge you, what you want it for and how you got where you are. I have experience with addiction in my family and if I can understand that my family members need to hit rock bottom and need to have their own desire to quit before they will, why can't I understand that about strangers? Nobody's sitting there thinking, "Hmmm. That woman didn't give me her change. Maybe I need to quit" after I walk away. 

I volunteered at a homeless program (in the far suburbs, and we had a line and a waiting list for a bed every week) in high school and loved it. I've thought about getting back into it off and on over the years, but I think this post pushed me to actually do it. I need to find that compassion I had then.

Ro041

Bravo @ShesSoCold I loved reading your reply!

mrsmitten

On a personal level, I'm with @VarunaTT and @Ro041.  When I'm downtown for games etc, I keep a couple bucks in my pocket (if I have it) for the homeless, its none of my business how they spend it and if I was homeless, I can't say I'd want to be sober.  On Thanksgiving, H and I snuck out 10 hot dogs after the game and handed them out on corners.  When I have coats to donate, I keep them in my car and pass them out if I see someone in need on a cold day.  Another great suggestion is buying $5 McDonalds gift cards - this way they can get something to eat and get some respite from the weather.

On a business side, it's tough.  We want to be compassionate and participate in the Suspended Coffee program, but at the same time we run a food business and health is a priority.  We have had to ask people to leave for being intoxicated or for having poor hygiene.  It's still rough for me everytime.

kerbohl

Here we have people that leave hats, mitts, and scarves on trees in the downtown so that people can take them whenever they need them.  Lots of hand-knitted ones for people who like to knit and want to give them to people in need.  The trees have been pretty bare here with this crazy cold snap we had.