How to incorporate my daughter in the ceremony/vows?

Pretty Parula

Hello! I usually just post on my local board, but I was hoping you ladies could help me out with this.
I have a six-year-old daughter, and she and FI are just the best buddies. (She'll be our FG, of course.) We really want to honour their special relationship in our ceremony by either giving her a "promise"-type ring on a chain (for his promise to love her as his own - or maybe a family ring to rep. the three of us) or a locket or something like that, and having a special part of our vows for FI and her. I know it's been done, but I can't find any examples. Any ideas? TIA!!

trix1223

Not what you asked, but I'm going to chime in anyway.  A wedding is, IMO, between two consenting adults, and your FI making any kind of vows during the ceremony  to his future step-daughter is just inappropriate.  And she's 6.  She can't really understand what vows are and shouldn't really be making them either.

I'm absolutely delighted that they have a great relationship.  It's a good start for a blended family.  But your wedding ceremony is about YOU and HIM.  If you want to give your DD a necklace or other token, it's far more appropriate at the RD.  She can wear the necklace the next day with her little FG dress.

Have her as the FG:  perfect.  Take lots of pictures of the three of you....the two of them:  perfect.  Have him dance with his  new DD at the reception.....perfect.

Vows during a ceremony......just wrong on many levels.

Pretty Parula

Thanks for assuming my daughter is not intelligent enough to understand what's going on. She's actually quite ahead of the game and we three have had many conversations about the marriage, and she's asked and shared some very deep thoughts.

Thanks for also assuming that by incorporating her into our vows we would be disrespecting her biological dad. She and I are a package deal, so by vowing to love me he vows to love her. What's so cerebral about that? What in that discounts her relationship with her dad? Not much, IMO. It would bother me (and my family) if she were just on the sidelines of the day and we didn't recognise that this is a big moment for all three of us. Forget I asked, I'll stick to my local board. Thanks for pointing out the other side of the coin.

Pretty Parula

I found this in the Ask Carley section:

Q.I'm divorced with three children, girls ages 16 and 14 and a boy, 10. I'm engaged to a wonderful, supportive man who truly loves me and my kids. I feel it's important to involve the kids in the wedding. My fiance has never been married, and wants a very traditional wedding. (I think I'd much rather elope!) How can we involve the kids directly, without being tacky?

A.

 

It's never tacky to include your kids in your wedding, no matter how traditional an affair it is! All three of your children could stand up in the wedding as junior attendants. Or have them each read something during the ceremony. They could even escort you down the aisle, symbolically giving you and your fiance their blessing. No matter how you decide to involve them in the ceremony, consider doing a special vow exchange or family prayer/reading right after you exchange marriage vows, in which your new husband promises to love and care for them, and you all reinforce your new family ties together.

 

Can't be all that inappropriate if the experts suggest it.

SaraAndrew2010

I've never really understood what makes Carley an expert.  I disagree with much of her advice.  She tends to tell everyone that they can do whatever they like because it is their wedding and don't worry about tradition too much.

Personally, I agree with the PPs that vow exchanges with children are kind of creepy.  No one is saying your daughter is not intelligent.  It's just weird for a child to be exchanging vows with adults. 

aerinpegadrak

There's a difference between intelligence and understanding.  I was a very intelligent child, but I can definitely say that at 6 years old, there's no way I would have understood the importance of a vow exchange.  At most, I would have maybe processed that Mommy and Daddy were saying nice things about me.

A wedding ceremony is when two consenting adults enter into a legally binding contract.  Minors cannot legally enter such contracts.  Frankly, I get especially creeped out to see an adult male making wedding vows to a young girl, because even if you're very delicate about it, it still carries implications that are all kinds of wrong.  If you decide to go through with it, fine, but understand that the vast majority of your guests will be feeling exactly the same things that people here have brought up, but they won't say it to your face.  Just behind your back.

And Carley's not an expert in anything.  People who follow her advice to the letter will probably alienate most of their family and friends by the time the whole wedding things is over.

handfast4me

" An expert is someone from out of town with a briefcase."   Love that quote.  yeah, I can't say that I agree with much of her advice, either.   I hate the children's vows thing.  We've had this discussion a bunch of times on the Second Wedding board and while some people still do it, many feel it's inappropriate because the child is not getting married.  A quick blessing over the entire family is much more appropriate than the vows.  The vows with children just smack of those weird chastity balls and all the stuff surrounding them.  Creeps me out. 

trix1223

Yeah, OP.  You don't have to like what we're telling you.  But I can promise you that your local board and friends and family will validate everything you're saying, and tell you it's a GREAT!!!!!! idea.  But behind your back, they'll be saying what we're telling you.

FWIW:  no one said not to include your DD in your wedding.  Have her be a FG.  Give her a special necklace at the RD and let her wear it on wedding day.  Take a zillion photos with her.  Let her and her new step-dad have a dance during the ceremony.  Just don't have vows with her during the ceremony.  Keep that what it should be:  a man and a woman pledging to each other.  Y

ou have to get a license for the state to marry.  Notice that they don't require a license for becoming a step-parent?  That's because the wedding isn't about the kids.....it's about the adults.

duckie1905

No one insulting your daughter's intelligence.  While she may be a smart child there are no six year olds in existence that would understand what the vows really mean, both literally and in a more emotional sense so just get off it.  No one insulted your kid.  You are creating insults that aren't there.

Additionally, including her as a FG is enough.  Vows are between two adults and regardless of how you see it, the fact that you think is it appropriate for your FI to recite vows or give your daughter a promise ring is creepy.

As trix said, include her all you want.  Just don't go out of your way to make it inappropriate.  FG is awesome.  Lots of pictures, dances with her stepfather, a special necklace or whatever at the RD is all fine.  It is the fact that you want them to exchange some sort of vow or promised is what has everyone all weirded out.

Also, I've been at weddings where this occurred.  To the couple's face I gushed at how wonderful it was.  Behind their backs we snickered at how creepy and ridiculous the whole idea was.  DH was asked to participate in something similar when he was 10, by his mother.  He was mortified at having to be involved in such an intimate way and it caused years of trouble between his mother and his father.

megk8oz

When I was both 5 and 6 my parents got re-married.

For my bio-dad's wedding (I was 6), my older sister and I were just FGs. We have not suffered any trama later in life from only doing this during that wedding.

For my mom's ceremony (I was 5), my older sister and I were FGs and at one point during the ceremony, the minister did a very small "family blessing", where the 4 of us stood up and the minister just said something like "From now on, these people are part of the same family and Jesus says families are a good thing" ... I really don't remember, I just know it was barely 2 minutes long and nobody but the minister spoke. So I'm all for people doing things like that when kids are being affected by the marriage, but I think it really should just be a family blessing where you just have the officiant say something nice like that.

I really think that when children get involved with vows and stuff, that gets a little creepy imo. I think the necklace is a cute idea and you should make it a point to give it to her at the RD or something... but I really think the only jewelry that gets any kind of "spotlight" in the ceremony should be the rings.

chosen175

What kind of dirty minds do you people have?!?!?!?  It's not like he's vowing to love the little girl the exact same way he loves OP.  For crying out loud, this man is promising to love Op's dd the way any other father would love his CHILD.  As in father-daughter relationship.  A father-daughter relationship is beautiful and sweet and innocent - anyone who turns it into something perverted or creepy really should have their head examined.

OP, I think that acknowledging the fact that your marriage is creating a new family is WONDERFUL and I say go for it!  If your FI really IS the type of guy who intends to love your daughter and treat her as his own, this can be a wonderful addition to your ceremony.  The fact is, no internet stranger will ever understand the bond between you and your daughter, (or between your FI and your daughter for that matter) and I'm willing to bet that 98% of the ladies bashing you and saying it's creepy do not have kids of their own.  Therefore, they don't understand how important it is to a mother that her spouse loves and accepts her child. 

I have a child, and although she is FI's and my child, if she wasn't I'd probably go with the simple blessing during the ceremony.  Have the officiant acknowledge that with your and FI's vows, you are not only creaing a new relationship, but also a new family.  I also think it would be very special and meaningful for your FI to give your dd a gift in the moments just before the wedding, or even at the RD if she's planning on attending.  He can tell her that even though he loves her mommy very much, he also loves her, and that he promises to be there for her whenever she needs him.  There is absolutely NOTHING creepy about a man making a promise to a child to protect her, take care of her, and love her as a daughter.

mmk<3cws2010

I say go for it.  I have a VERY young daughter and we are trying to figure a way to incorpotate her into our ceremony.  We probably wont do any vows, simply becuase she is so young.  But we most definitely intend to have he involved.  She is a HUGE part of both of us and we see it as finally becoming an official (legal) family.  Anyone in your social cirlce who would think this is wierd obviously doesn't know you or your FH very well. If your daughter is ok with it, do it.  If she would rather do something a little less subtle, do a prayer or reading about becoming a family. 

We want the actual vows part of be about me and her father, but the ceremony is about becoming a family...including her.  So, we will do the wife and husband parts, and then we will include her in a family thing.  Just not sure how yet.

dayna0416

Dear Pretty Parula,
Congratulations on your engagement and on finding a finace you loves your daughter as though she were his own. That is, afterall, what any mother should expect of her husband regardless of biology.  I am a widow with two young children. My finance and I are planning a fall wedding and I absolutely want them inclued in the ceremony because it is not only a marriage, it is the union of a family . Here is a link to some ideas for the ceremony:
http://www.womensforum.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=3198:sample-wedding-vows-including-children&catid=82:weddings&Itemid=112
Also, I like the idea of the wedding invitations echoing the same sentiment.  Here is one idea: 
Because you have shared in
our lives
by your friendship and love we,
Bride Name
and
Groom Name
together with our children
Blank and Blank
invite you to share in our joy
as we are joined in marriage
and united as a family
Date, Time, etc.

I realize my situation is slightly different because my children's father is no longer living, but I definately think you could use these ideas as models and adjust them to fit your specifics.
Best Wishes!

future_harmeyer

OP,

After a few negative comments I had enough and just started scrolling down. Wow, I have to say that Im a little offended at the negativity and rudeness of others. But that is a different post.

Anyways, in March my FI and I will say our vows then say "family vows". This is where he will promise to be her father and love her as if she were his own (btw, her bio dad is not in the picture and she has been dying to call FI "dad" since we first started dating).

After his little vows to her, he is giving her a necklace just to show his love. I agree with the person that stated "Its a package deal" because you must love my child just as much as me. My daughter even calls it "our wedding" and she is completely right. Although she isnt 18 or possess the mental ability of an adult, she understands several things about the wedding. Last night she found my vows and wondered why she wasnt in them. Of course we explained that they are between us and why we are getting married. Kids understand a lot more than you think.

Ignore the negativity and follow your heart. Your FI is very sweet for wanting to include your daughter in the ceremony. So, I say, follow your heart and no one is going to be gossiping behind your back about including or loving your daughter.

melissaandjosh418

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_incorporate-daughter-ceremonyvows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:5d596428-581f-4ec0-af9e-ea22e84a5b8fPost:3e9ce62d-4501-4600-9f43-2d9a229b7fc9">Re: How to incorporate my daughter in the ceremony/vows?</a>:
[QUOTE]What kind of dirty minds do you people have?!?!?!?  It's not like he's vowing to love the little girl the exact same way he loves OP.  For crying out loud, this man is promising to love Op's dd the way any other father would love his CHILD.  As in father-daughter relationship.  A father-daughter relationship is beautiful and sweet and innocent - anyone who turns it into something perverted or creepy really should have their head examined. OP, I think that acknowledging the fact that your marriage is creating a new family is WONDERFUL and I say go for it!  If your FI really IS the type of guy who intends to love your daughter and treat her as his own, this can be a wonderful addition to your ceremony.  The fact is, no internet stranger will ever understand the bond between you and your daughter, (or between your FI and your daughter for that matter) and I'm willing to bet that 98% of the ladies bashing you and saying it's creepy do not have kids of their own.  Therefore, they don't understand how important it is to a mother that her spouse loves and accepts her child.  I have a child, and although she is FI's and my child, if she wasn't I'd probably go with the simple blessing during the ceremony.  Have the officiant acknowledge that with your and FI's vows, you are not only creaing a new relationship, but also a new family.  I also think it would be very special and meaningful for your FI to give your dd a gift in the moments just before the wedding, or even at the RD if she's planning on attending.  He can tell her that even though he loves her mommy very much, he also loves her, and that he promises to be there for her whenever she needs him.  There is absolutely NOTHING creepy about a man making a promise to a child to protect her, take care of her, and love her as a daughter.
Posted by chosen175[/QUOTE]

This is exactly my thoughts. I don't understand how this can be remotely creepy or tacky. I think it's really sweet to include her. We have a daughter who is only 2 (she is not biologically his) if she were older we would have definitely included her in the ceremony more.

sbily2010

tbh this is a repeated question with repeated answeres by repeated posters ( i know it can be hard to look though the numerous pages) that ussally turn negative. You can have a comitment to another person without ever expecting to get a comitment back. I think it's important to understand that part when it comes to child vows. imo child vows are just a public statement of your intentions, love, support and comitment to a child as being part of their family. I think it is very important to include the children you are bringing into a marriage because the fact is yes the marriage is between to adults who have choosen it, but the children have had no choice in it, no matter how they may feel about it. if publicly proclaiming one's love for another wasn't important then everyone would be having private jop ceromonies.

side note- plz over look spelling for somereason the spell check isn't working