Military Brides

Already married

Hey there,
My husband and I got married September 23, 2012...he had to go to training amd now is deploying here shortly. We just did the paperwork..no vows.or nothing. Now we are planning for our wedding in 2014. I j feel stuck on how to do save the dates...traditions..etc help?

Re: Already married

  • You may want to lurk the board a bit to get info on how to go about throwing a vow renewal. Good luck
  • I agree with CAB, you may want to lurk a bit or read the post at the top of the board that says, "Read before posting".   Etiquite wise, no matter if you didn't say vows before, you are already married.  That means most traditions are out.  Showers, bach parties, first dances and such are improper.  


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  • In Response to Re: Already married:
    I agree with CAB, you may want to lurk a bit or read the post at the top of the board that says, "Read before posting".   Etiquite wise, no matter if you didn't say vows before, you are already married.  That means most traditions are out.  Showers, bach parties, first dances and such are improper.  
    Posted by iluvmytxrgr

    Yep, agreed!
  • This is going to be interesting...
    Anniversary
  • I admit that my opinion may not be "politically correct", but if you're having to work around his military schedule and plan to have the "wedding" later though you're already legally married, I say DO WHATEVER YOUR HEARTS DESIRE!

    I am working on a similar design and believe that since my H to be is giving his time to serve his country, we can do whatever we want after his deployment.  If some people around town feel it's improper, they don't have to attend.  I fully intend to have a First Dance, Wedding Cake, etc. We are paying for everything, so we will do it our way.  

    Good luck to you!  Smile
    JudgeUSMC
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited January 2013
    Ignore Lynn. This is an example of entitlement. SBarnes, have a wonderful party celebrating you, but the wedding is over. What would your officiant do anyway? You can even wear a white dress, as Miss Manners suggests, but there is no ceremony. That means there are no traditions for this party, except to have a great time.
  • Um, no.  Service to country or a depolyment do not give you the right to do what ever you want, especially if there is any dishonesty involved. That goes against every thing we vow to honor.    

    Signed
    a veteran  


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  • In Response to Re: Already married:
    I admit that my opinion may not be "politically correct", but if you're having to work around his military schedule and plan to have the "wedding" later though you're already legally married, I say DO WHATEVER YOUR HEARTS DESIRE! I am working on a similar design and believe that since my H to be is giving his time to serve his country, we can do whatever we want after his deployment.  If some people around town feel it's improper, they don't have to attend.  I fully intend to have a First Dance, Wedding Cake, etc. We are paying for everything, so we will do it our way.   Good luck to you!  
    Posted by lynnallen

    Nobody really cares if you have a first dance, wedding cake, etc. But don't expect everyone to like it and don't act like you deserve it either. That's entitlment. You want it, then great, but no on deserves anything like that.  

    But really, OP, just don't lie to people and you will generally be ok. As long as everyone knows you are married, then most will support you. 

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  • All of my guests know we are married and th reason we got married was so I was stable before he went to training and deploys. I know we can celebrate our marriage however we choose and my family supports us 110. I am not turning this into a military political debate. I am just asking help with wording and invitations etc. A wedding is a ceremony or CELEBRATION of marriage which is what we intend to do
  • ......and also we are not trying to get entitlement or whatever. My husband and I want to have and experience each moment such as me walking down the aisle with my dad, saying our vows in a different manner but still saying them. Yes we are married legally but I still dont feel fully married if you will. I feel that the vows are the most important part and what makes a marriage. I want to give him my promises from my heart and I want my family there to experience it with us. We also want the first dance, wedding cake, toasts, garder, bouquet, father/mother dances etc. Its about the experience with my husband and family and sharing it together. I dont care about presents and am not asking for them. We just want the memories together. You all take this to a different level than need be. It is about celebrating us together, yes we may be delayed and chose to do a quick marriage due to military timing but that is only because my husband knows that I want and DESERVE a real wedding and we didnt have the time with his schedule to make my dream come true.
    JudgeUSMC
  • To the 2 PP's doing VR's or whatever you want to refer to them as, a big fancy wedding is not a right or entitlement therefore, by definition, no one DESERVES one. Sure, it's semantics but it bugs the crap out of me when people say they deserve something when really they just want something. Now, I had a VR one year after our JOP, primarily at my family's request. Our invites were worded "please join 'X' and 'Y' as we renew our vows on 'date and time' at 'place'." We had a ceremony with a retired Navy Chaplain officiating, attendants, a white dress, cake, dances although not referred as a first dance, my father walked me down the aisle, we tossed a garter, and a few other traditions my family wanted to share in as they were a heavy part of the planning process. What we didn't have were prewedding parties, showers, or a gift registry. Really, you can do what you want depending on what you and your guests will be comfortable with. Don't confuse the way individuals react to posts like like this for insensitivity. We have just had a lot of people come on here wanting to lie to guests and stomping their feet because it's their right to have a "real wedding" and they'll do what they want even if it means hurting people by keeping secrets. For many people a JOP or even signing papers at the courthouse is a real wedding so no one should ever discount that as something special. I realize you didn't do this but lurk a little on the board and realize why we address some subjects the way we do. It's not about pushing our weight around or being mean, we just have had a lot of difficult posts regarding this subject and we're going off the minimal info people give us about their situations. If you require more help, ideas, or info regarding planning such an event feel free to PM me.
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    flyingfoxes
  • TheVirginiansTheVirginians
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    member
    edited January 2013
    In Response to Re: Already married:
    ......and also we are not trying to get entitlement or whatever. ... I want and DESERVE a real wedding and we didnt have the time with his schedule to make my dream come true.
    Posted by Sbarnes19
    Most definitely is entitlement. Deserve? This post is the definition of entitled. To answer your first post question on traditions, for what you are planning, there are absolutely none.
  • ridedatbikeridedatbike
    100 Comments 5 Love Its
    member
    edited January 2013
    I tend to think of ettiquette as depending on the social circle rather than universal so you may want to run ideas by your social so that they aren't offended. Most people on tk aren't in favor of the double wedding and some points make sense others I feel slightly differently about. They are right you should lurk the ettiquette board its more active and people ask this question a lot pretty much all the same advice is given.
  • 1.  I have no idea where people came up with the word "DESERVE", much less "ENTITLEMENT."  I clearly said "whatever we WANT" in my post.
    2.  Family and friends do know it will be a vow renewal, since that's the term you prefer, but it will look and feel like a wedding.
    3.  The minister has already been consulted and is fine with this.  In fact, one of the reasons we want to go this route is so that our committment to God and each other is professed in front of our friends and family.
    4.  We are having no parties, showers, etc. beforehand, and are specifically requesting no gifts.

    Now, let's all get the bees out of our bonnets and enjoy life.  :)
  • Sounds like alot of people are getting legal and spiritual marriage confused. I agree that you should discuss decisions with those who will be involved but if you haven't had a wedding then you should get to have your wedding. If you had a small intimate wedding because of time then you should consider a vow renewal. But all of this talk about tainting the "traditions" is crazy. I understand getting married before a deployment due to the military not really caring if the fiance of however many years is at home. I am in the same boat with you and if I end up having to sign the papers before I get my dream wedding then so be it, but I will have it regardless. I hope this helps you come to a decision and congratulations and good luck to you both.
    JudgeUSMC
  • In Response to Re:Already married:
    1. nbsp;I have no idea where people came up with the word "DESERVE", much less "ENTITLEMENT." nbsp;I clearly said "whatever we WANT" in my pkost.2. nbsp;Family and friends do know it will be a vow renewal, since that's the term you prefer, but it will look and feel like a wedding.3. nbsp;The minister has already been consulted and is fine with this. nbsp;In fact, one of the reasons we want to go this route is so that our committment to God and each other is professed in front of our friends and family.4. nbsp;We are having no parties, showers, etc. beforehand, and are specifically requesting no gifts.Now, let's all get the bees out of our bonnets and enjoy life. . nbsp;: Posted by lynnallen
    Now I lurk A LOT so I've read TONS of posts about this double ceremony thing and the term "entitled" gets thrown around a lot. I mean when a bride comes back and says I deserve blah blah blah ya that entitlement. But when she doesn't I don't see it as entitlement. Sure to some its a bad idea technically its against ettiquette which I've never seen as universal anyway so idgaf about double ceremonies but I don't think just. wanting something is bad or rude or entitled at all. Expecting is the problem. If you truly expect everything to be the way you want that's what I call entitlement not just requesting a "ppd ".
  • Now im confused someone quoted op saying deserve but I never saw an original.
  • Ridedatbike, it's in the post directly above mine.
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  • Haha thank you! Apparently Idk how to read lol
  • Depends on your family and friends.. if they are okay with this then go for it. If they are not don't go for it and just have a reception. Many traditions are going out of the window, especially pre-wedding parties. 

    I got married at the courthouse last year and will be having a vow renewal ceremony and reception in 2014. Both mine and his parents and grandparents asked specifically for this when we got married at the courthouse. We fully intend to respect their wishes. Also, everyone knows that we are already married so make sure you are honest otherwise you may ruin relationships later on.
  • OkboundbrideOkboundbride
    First Comment
    member
    edited February 2013
    Sbames - I say do whatever you and your husband desire. A wedding should be about celebrating your marriage to the love of your life and sharing it with the people that you love. My husband is currently deployed and we are planning a wedding (not a vow renewal) when he returns. We did the courthouse a month before what was supposed to be our wedding date because of his deployment so I understand where you are coming from. In my case we were so close to having our wedding that not having it now just didnt seem right. Don't think politically correct but do what feels right to you both. Personally I think walking down the aisle to the person you love in front of all your friends and family is a moment that every girl should have, no matter if legally you are already married.
  • If you want to have the whole ceremony and reception, I say go for it. This is the chance for your family and friends to be able to celebrate with you!
    JudgeUSMC
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