Military Brides

Doing everything while he's gone...

Just recently got engaged the beginning of this month to a guy in the navy and we were planning on getting married end of July-early August of next year after he gets back from deployment. He said that he is leaving everything about our wedding up to me...however, we just found out last Wednesday (yes, the day before Thanksgiving) that I am pregnant. The estimated due date is around the same time that we were planning for our wedding and it's another major thing that he's leaving me alone for. Now I can no longer look at gowns because I do not know what size I will be then and we do not know if we can even have our wedding around the time period we wanted because of the baby on the way.

My question is did any other bride have to do all the planning herself? And if so, how did you manage to go through it with all the stress of planning and being alone?

I'm hoping someone has some answers for me on what to do for his upcoming six months...(by the way, this is his first deployment and the longest we will be without each other)

Re: Doing everything while he's gone...

  • calindicalindi
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Congratulations on your engagement, and congratulations on your pregnancy!

    This is a very exciting and very emotional time for you.  Perhaps the best thing to do would be to put the wedding on hold until he comes back?  That way you can focus on the pregnancy and your health while adjusting to his deployment, rather than adding wedding planning to that chaos.  And then he'll be home and able to devote more time to helping with the wedding planning and raising your child together.

    First, I'd suggest you make sure you have a very strong support system for when he leaves.  Are you living near family or friends?  I would also suggest you start seeing a psychologist, as I know that I'd have a lot of emotions about everything if I were in your shoes.  That's one of the first things I would do for myself to make sure I was keeping everything in perspective.  I know that there are support groups for spouses - if you live near where your BF is stationed, have him ask around to see if there is such a group for spouses of his unit and see if you can meet up with a few of them.  You won't be able to get on the base without an escort if you're not married, but if you befriend a few of these women they'll likely come get you so you can get on base for group meetings.  I know that I'd do it in a heartbeat for someone.

    Second, you need to stop thinking like that.  When you say "which is another thing he's leaving me alone for", it makes me think you feel like he's abandoning you.  It's a natural way to think, but is likely to cause more trouble than it's worth.  He's not choosing to leave you - I'm sure there's no where he'd rather be than by your side during your pregnancy and wedding planning.  Unfortunately, his job requires him to be away.  And your job as a future military spouse is to support him and be understanding.  While he's the one who wears the uniform, military families all feel the sacrifice necessary of a service member's commitment to their country.  Beyond just the simple explanation of being a male and thus typically less interested in wedding planning, he's also going to be focused on his job 24/7.  He's going to need your support, as much as you'll need his.  This isn't the time for him to be choosing flower arrangements (unless he wants to, but it doesn't sound like he does).  

    My best suggestion would be to either have a smaller wedding that requires less planning (either before or after he leaves), or wait until he's back to help you plan the wedding you'd both want.

    Good luck, and take care of yourself!  We're all here if you need support or a shoulder.



  • edited December 2011
    I am currently doing all of our planning, FI left in September and won't be home until just about 2 weeks before our October 22, 2011 Wedding. We also have a 17 month old, so I am working full time, chasing a baby in circles, planning my wedding, and helping my MOH (I am also her MOH) plan a michigan wedding for next year while she is living in Texas! My best advice to you is to keep busy. I don't find that it is really all that stressful. Just make sure that you don't wait to do thing all last minute. Try and keep yourself on schedule, i have a to do list that has it all laid out when things should be done based on my date. So that helps.

    I think that if you keep your mind off the fact that you are doing all alone and start to think that you are doing it for the both of you, that will help you keep the stress gone. Being a military spose, girlfriend, fiance, ect. Isn't easy. It's hard to be trying to do a lot of things while they are gone, but you don't want them to think that they you are stressed because they are gone. What they are going through is hard enough, you don't want them to be stressed out about you too. So keep your chin up, and if you ever need to talk to someone about planning on your own, you can alwasy PM me! :)
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  • jcoak2jcoak2
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've been planning ours without my fiance.  He isn't deployed but he's stationed in Arizona and I live in IL where the wedding will be.  I've been asking bridesmaids and both sets of parents for input so that I don't feel like I have to do everything.  Also, I've used the internet a lot too, there are several different checklists, and sites for ideas, though I really like the knot a lot.  I also send him pictures in emails and stuff to just get his opinions on things.
  • ksrawrksrawr
    edited December 2011
    I planned all of our wedding while he was deployed.  Luckily on his RnR we were both able to do the food testing but I pretty much picked out everything.  He wouldn't have cared if he was here.  Also stop talking like he is abandoning you.  If you can't handle him leaving you alone to deal with the homefront for months at a time you probably shouldn't  be marrying into the military as deplyments are unavoidable. Yes some get lucky and don't feploy but very few people actualy have that happen.  I know it can suck but it is the military way.
  • edited December 2011
    As far as planning the wedding goes, it can most definitely be done while he is gone. My fiance is deployed for a year before our wedding, and I am doing most of the planning while he is gone. We took care of a few big things before he left (deciding on a venue, talking with the pastor who will marry us, buying our wedding bands, etc.), but I am doing most of it while he is gone. My mother and his mom have been really helpful, along with a few of my friends. Also, I send my fiance emails updating him on things I've accomplished or ideas I have, that way he can feel involved if he chooses. Honestly though, he's more excited than anything about buying a new, non-Army suit to wear, so I just let him obsess over that :)

    How close are your due date and your wedding date? If they are within a few weeks of each other, I'd say you may want to think about rescheduling the wedding date. The stress of an upcomming wedding may not be the best thing for you or the baby that late in the pregnancy. Also, if you were to be put on bed rest or deliver early, I doubt you or your fiance would feel up to having a wedding a couple weeks later. I am coming at this from a purely medical standpoint though, so you may want to get opinions from some of the ladies that have kids.

    I understand how hard it is leading up to deployments, but like the other posters said, don't blame your fiance or think that he is abandoning you. He would be there if at all possible. It would make his time away from you even harder and would compromise his ability to do his job if he was constantly feeling guilty for having to leave you. Sometimes the timing of things just sucks, but it can't be changed, so I think it's best to stay positive with him.
  • edited December 2011

    Congratulations!!! can I ask how old you are? I bet that almost every bride on here is planning thier wedding, or has planned thier wedding without the help of thier FI. Most boys just don't care about all the details. My FI is stationed in Japan. I've planned my whole wedding without him. I've asked him his opinion, but he almost never has one.
    Listen to Calindi, She KNOWS what she's talking about. Your FI isn't choosing to leave you. It's his JOB. I know he's in the Navy, So am I. Even if he's going to the boat, deploying to the sandbox or whatever, he needs to focus on HIS JOB and doing his JOB to the best of his ability. His job will be part of what supports you and your baby.
    I'm assuming you're kind of new to the military lifestyle.  I think alot of younger brides shy away from the board because alot of us that know what we're talking about hurt thier feelings by telling them stuff that they just don't want to hear. Don't be that girl!
    I agree with Cal, perhaps the best thing for you AND for baby would be just to postpone the wedding till your FI gets back from Deployment. Do you have Health Insurance? or do you need that? If you need it, maybe a JOP marrige before he leaves would be good. That way you can get enrolled in Tricare, and Deers and all that and have access to his base for medical appointments. Keep in mind, that I am suggesting a JOP marriage and NOT saying to "have 2 weddings". You can only have 1 wedding. You'll see this argument quite a bit on this board. Maybe you could have the JOP ceremony before he leaves, I am assuming again, that by choosing to be engaged, You both have thought long and hard about what being in a military marriage means. You know the pros and the cons. That being said, Make the best decision for you and your growing family! Stay healthy!

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  • edited December 2011
    Congratulations on your engagement and your baby! How exciting for you!!!! I know it may seem stressful to plan your wedding alone, but it's really not all that bad.  In fact, I feel like a lot of brides with civilian FI's end up planning most of their wedding by themselves as well.  I'm currently about halfway through my planning (getting married in June) and then most valuable part of my planning has bee nmy mom's help.  I don't know if you're close with your mom or not, but having your mom or some other woman close to you help with the wedding really keeps you on track.  I'm actually finishing up my last year of college this year too, so having someone back home to help me out with the vendors is really great.  Also, I like to send my FI emails about ideas that I have, especially for the major decisions.  If it's a really big decision, he usually tried to find time to call me for just a few minutes so that we can discuss it.  In every wedding planning process there will be a few hiccups along the way.  You being pregnant is just one of those obstacles to be worked around.  My hiccup was the wedding date, which nearly had to be changed, but so far everything is working out as planned, as I'm sure it will work out for you.  Planning a wedding is a great way to keep you occupied.  When you miss him especially or when you're worried about the baby or the deployment, addressing invites and looking at pictures of cakes and favors, etc online is a great way to boost your spirits.  It keeps you in a forward thinking mindset so the deployment won't seem quite as bad. Anyways, good luck with everything! I hope it all works out for you! Just keep your chin up and be positive!
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