Military Brides

Umm.. Seriously!?

My wedding is in 2 weeks. Yay!! but.. One of my bridesmaids has now decided that she wants to bring her boyfriend. It wouldn't be a problem, but we've already given our venue the final head count. She's now saying that if he can't come she doesn't have a ride, but when I offered to pick her up she was like "no, I have work and stuff". Personally, I hate Hate HATE her boyfriend. He's controlling and abusive and I know that him trying to weasel his way into my wedding is just another control tactic for him.  FI and I both hate him. He wants to wear his uniform even though FI and I decided that we wanted FI to be the only one there in uniform. He wanted to wear jeans with holes in them!!! Hello!! This is not a  back yard bbq!! This is my wedding! in a nice hotel, where everyone else is wearing suits and nice dresses, and this douche bag wants to wear holey jeans!! I asked her before I sent out invites, if she wanted him to come with her, and she said "No, we probably will break up before your wedding anyway". Now, after everything she's saying, I want him there. I don't know what to do!!! Do I say no, He can't come and risk ruining my friendship and being short a bridesmaid? Do I say sure! he can come, there just won't be a plate for him at dinner. Maybe if he were a nicer guy, I would be more willing to work things to have him as a guest, but I just can't stand him. FI says whatever, if she was really a friend she would understand and she wouldn't try to put me in this position. I just don't know how to handle this situation. Help!!
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Re: Umm.. Seriously!?

  • Beachy730Beachy730
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    edited December 2011
    How far of a drive is it for her?  Would someone be able to pick her up? 

    I think you are well within your rights to tell her "sorry, but no, the final head count is already in."  But if it means losing a BM over it or even possibly losing a friend, I would say just call your venue and ask to add one more.  At 2 weeks out they should definitely be able to add another person.  We had to give a "final count" 10 days before, but then again at about 2-3 days before we had to give an official final count that we were charged for. 

    I can 100% tell you that you will not notice him there.  There were a few people at my wedding who I didn't care for that came as dates of people, but honestly I never saw them for more than 10 seconds, and it definitely had no affect on my day whatsoever.  One of my good friends ended up last minute bringing her on again/off again abusive boyfriend who I despise, but I wouldn't even have known he was there. 
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  • edited December 2011
    It's a good 3 hour drive from base... she doesn't have a car. I told her I could meet her at the ferry or something.
    I'm just worried that with only 30 or some odd people there, that I will notice him. Plus I know that he's going to lurk around while I'm trying to get ready. Thats my time with my girls, to do hair and make up on all of us and pictures and stuff. He's going to pitch a fit when we have to have her for pictures. I just hate that she's doing this now.
    Why do people have to make our wedding about them?
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  • samlamsamlam
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    edited December 2011
    You have every right to say he can not be there! Its your day and your bridesmaid needs to understand that and not be selfish.
  • Beachy730Beachy730
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    edited December 2011
    Oh with only 30 people okay that's different, and you probably will know he's there. 

    What's more important to you?  Your friend being there and being a BM, or not dealing with him at your wedding?
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  • edited December 2011
    Honestly, and I'm sorry if this sounds totally mean, If she can't be a BM because her bf wasn't invited then, fine. I'll just have my sister and my niece. FI only has 2 GM anyway. She's a great friend (although she can be a bit flakey), and we went through boot together and A school, and now our first command, but my family is more important. And I think that if she can't deal with him not being invited, then fine. I'll still be friends with her after the wedding. It's more her loss than mine. Do I sound totally Bit*hy for saying that?
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  • Beachy730Beachy730
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    edited December 2011

    No I get what you're saying.  I definitely wouldn't say it like that to her though!  Haha not that I think you would.  I would just say something like "I'm so sorry but we are unable to add him.  We already gave our final head count to the venue.  I really hope you can still make it though and be a BM.  Let me know if I can pick you up at the ferry."

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  • edited December 2011
    That sounds very nice. I'm probably going to send her an email, and then talk to her about it tomorrow when I see her at work. Thanks!!
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  • Beachy730Beachy730
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    edited December 2011
    No problem.  Good luck!
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  • edited December 2011

    I was meaning to ask you, What type of work do you do? I know you said you worked from home, I was just wondering. You can PM me if you'd rather!

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  • Beachy730Beachy730
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    edited December 2011
    I'm a teacher.  I taught in NY before we moved, but nobody was hiring here.  It sucks have a Master's and not being able to use it, but it's only temporary that we're here so hopefully I can teach when we PCS again.  I'm working for a travel health clinic while we're here.  And I get to work from home and the calls are just forwarded to my phone which is great.
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  • edited December 2011
    that does suck, I'm sorry you can't do what you love, but I must say that I would be a much happier if I could work from home in my flannel PJ's. I have discovered flannel since moving to WA and I am obsessed!! I knew you said you worked from home and I was just curious. Haha.. I'm so random,
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  • calindicalindi
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    edited December 2011
    Sam, sorry to hear about this drama!  I think Dnbeach has great advice - ultimately, you'll notice him there.  If she asked in the first place, you really would have to let him come as it's only fair to offer members of the wedding party the opportunity to bring a significant other.  However, she said no!  You told the venue your final count, and youv'e offered her a ride, which is her reason for wanting him to come after all.

    Do what you feel is right.  It'll be okay!

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  • edited December 2011
    Good luck with your situation. That is really complicated with a smaller wedding. Thats horrible that she would put you in a situation like that :(
  • Beachy730Beachy730
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    edited December 2011
    Haha Sam I do love wearing my PJ's.  It sucks though when the UPS guy shows up at 11 and I'm still in them.  Oh well, I'm sure he's seen worse. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Um, so I very nicely said that we had already given our head count and he unfortunately wasn't on it, Her reponse was "Well, he doesn't have to eat or anything. He just wants to be there to dance and say "good job", besides if he doesn't come he won't let me come". What?! I'm trying to be nice about it all, but I don't feel like nice is working. I don't want him there. I'll pick her up, although she does have a friends car while she's on deployment, it's just a piece of crap and it probably wouldn't make it there. Ahh!! Why is she doing this? At this point do I just come out and say it? or does that make me a bit*h? Should I just let it go? but how much more awkward will it be when he is there and he doesn't have a plate at dinner? or possibly even a chair?
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  • Beachy730Beachy730
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    edited December 2011
    Say "I'm sorry, that is just not possible.  Our venue will not allow for any additional guests, whether they are eating or not.  I'm really hoping that you can be there as a BM and my friend and I hope that you don't not come because I can't accommodate him this late.  I am willing to come pick you up, please just let me know what I can do.  But unfortunately him coming is just not an option."
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  • edited December 2011
    Would you be terribly offended if I copied and pasted this?! haha.. Thanks!! You and Calindi always seem to know just how to handle things!!
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  • Beachy730Beachy730
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    edited December 2011
    Haha, nope, go right ahead!
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  • edited December 2011
    I completely agree with DNBeach. If she is a good friend she'll understand. Had you ever talked to her about your feelings about him before hand or, if she keeps pushing it, would it be a total surprise if you had to let her know how you really feel about it?
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  • edited December 2011
    Oh, She knows. I told her that I thought he was terrible and horrible to her, but that it was her life and if she wanted to be with him, then Go For it. Right after we got engaged, someone gave me a copy of Emily Post's wedding ettiqute. I read up on it, and It says that if you know that the couple is living together and/or engaged, they should both be invited, but it says nothing about boyfriends. Her latest thing is that he'll drop her off for the wedding. I'm just like SERIOUSLY!? Sure, fine, Let him sit in the car for my wedding and then drag you away as soon as it's over. This whole situation has gotten out of control.and at this point it just pisses me off.
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  • Beachy730Beachy730
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    edited December 2011

    I'm sorry she is putting you through that.  He seriously sounds like a complete douche if he won't let her go without him, and now he will sit in the car and wait.  Try not to think about it now.  Accept that there is a good chance she will leave after the ceremony or right after dinner is over, and anything more than that will be a pleasant surprise.  Does your venue have security?  Or would you be willing to have someone call the police if he does come in?  I would just have a plan of action set up just in case he does end up coming in.  Maybe have a parent or other family member that knows ahead of time, and you could just simply say to them "make the call" and they will know what you mean.  Just an idea so you won't have to stress about it on your day and worry about what to do. 

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  • edited December 2011
    Thats a Great Idea!! Thanks!!!
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  • calindicalindi
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    edited December 2011
    You don't have to invite him... Emily Post or otherwise.  The problem now becomes if he shows up anyway.  If he truly does drive her and sit in the car, then that's their choice.  Just stick to the story that your venue won't let you add one more after you gave the final count, and they charge per head, regardless of whether they eat.

    But if he really is going to drive her, perhaps you could make a compromise?  I know you don't like him, but at the end of the day he really isn't likely to cause a huge commotion.  Have him come in after dinner, perhaps?  I know that's REALLY against Emily Post's etiquette rules, but at least then he won't disrupt your ceremony, dinner, toasts, and then perhaps he won't drag her off immediately.  I don't know if you're having dancing with such a small group, but he could mingle without bothering anyone.  And yes, the hotel should have security, so just let them know the situation beforehand and that if he gets out of control at all, you want him removed.

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