Introducing myself and a question

kmmssg

For starters, I've been on the knot since first DD got married in 05, left when the "migration" occured last year and everything was messed up, to include my 8000 lost posts.  Oh, wait, I'm whining about those again......

Anyway, I'm a military MOB.  I've been on active duty for almost 25 years, have 3 married DD's, and I use to hang out here quite often back in the old days.  Something happened amongst the military brides and a new board was started elsewhere and things went on from there.

I'm looking forward to getting to know all of you.  Needless to say, I have a major soft spot for the military community and weddings, etc. so I thought I would consult you ladies with an issue in my family.

My husband's side of the family is not very military.  College and what-not, but not very many have served at all.  Major proud Americans who support the military, but not experienced.  (You will come to learn I am a wordy person..)

So, I have a beautiful niece engaged to a young man in the Army.  She is such a great young lady and I just love her to pieces.  Wedding is set for November 18th, he is deploying again shortly there after.

Guess what happened?  You can see it coming - his deployment has been moved forward quite a bit and my SIL and niece are at the venue right now to see what they can work out.  I advised them about a military clause for that and the venue had no problems with that.

Deployment moved up means training moves up.   I'm hoping they aren't choosing a date they think will work without knowing his training schedule.  Man, this is long even for me.

So, I'm going to talk to them to see what they think about the kids getting married privately this year and reception when he gets home.  With 25 years under my belt, seen it done many times.

Since my family is unfamiliar with this, I'm wondering what kind of comments any of you received about this if you were in this situation.  I'd like to be the Auntie who can help quiet any ruffled feathers, etc.

For those of you who did this, were showers still held?  Bach parties?  Would love your feed back.  Thanks!

Beachy730

Hi, and welcome, or welcome back!

You'll find a whole shitton of posts on this board about JOP weddings or small weddings and big parties later.  I personally am not a big fan of them, but as long as you are upfront and honest with all of your guests then I don't mind as much.  For example, if they decide to do a private ceremony now, and a party in a year, they should make it very clear to everyone that they are getting married now, and if there is any type of ceremony in a year it needs to be called a vow renewal, not a wedding.  I know several people who have tried hiding it from friends and family members, and it leads to a lot of hurt feelings and sometimes families not speaking.

Also, I'm personally not a big fan of traditional bridal gowns, first dances, cake cutting, etc at vow renewals, since you are already married.  I feel the same way about DW and AHR too.  If you have an AHR, just make it a big party, not a traditional wedding reception.  

I come from a huge family where nobody has been in the mlitary so everything with H was new to them as well.  They were all completely understanding when we bumped up our date by 5 months. 

Also, when you give up the big wedding the first time around, you give up the showers and bachelorette parties and things.  Anyone invited to the small ceremony can attend a shower, but you can't invite people to a shower for a wedding reception over a year later.  And you can't throw the shower and b-party for the reception a year later since they will already be married. 

There will always be posters who say "do what you want, it's your day," but you sound like you want to keep them from offending people and help them stick to proper etiquette in their situation, and that attitude definitely defeats that.

ESquared423

Welcome back and thank you for your service!

I second everything dnbeach posted above. When you say "privately" do you mean "secretly" or "just the two of them"? If you mean secretly, ehh..that usually doesn't go over well. It's like a big slap in the face to the family and friends, even if they manage to get married secretly and then have the PPD (pretty princess day)..the truth comes out eventually and, believe me, feathers WILL be ruffled from there on out. IMO, It's just not worth it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating with a big party when he returns home, it's like y'all can celebrate his safe return and the marriage! My husband and I just got married last weekend, we live in Hawaii and are 6000 miles away from home, the logistics of throwing a wedding together either here or back home in a couple short months was just..not happening. Especially financially. Plus, we knew we wanted something intimate no matter where we did it. So, we got married here, just the two of us, and are having an AHR in October in Maine. Every single family member and all of our friends knew our plans and they were all excited about it and are super pumped for the party in October. If we had done this secretly, I KNOW we would have burned A LOT of bridges. Also, like dnbeach said, we are not having a "traditional reception"..it's definitely more of a party..we aren't registering for gifts, I'm not wearing my gown, no bridal parties or showers, nothing like that, because we've already had our wedding day and there is no re-doing it. We just wanted a party to bring our families together to celebrate and have a good time.

So, I guess bottom line is, if they choose to get married privately make sure it's not secretly. Why would anyone want to lie about something as wonderful as getting married? Good luck to them!

kmmssg

Thanks for your feedback ladies.  You won't find anyone more opposed to the "secret wedding" than me.  It is the ultimate slap in the face to those you claim to love so much.  I have one more DD to get married one day, and they all knew I didn't care how, where, etc, I just wanted to witness their vows.

Got a bit more clarification last night.  His orders have been changed to an unaccompanied tour not in theater.  With that change I think it will be much easier for him to get leave so he can marry my favorite niece.

Oh, and thanks for your service too!  You can do all you want in the military and make rank and get medals, but it you don't have that stellar spouse at home, you might as well hang it up.  IMO I have the best Army husband EVER.......

Have a great day!

firsttimersluck

My FI and I are getting married a little prior to our actual wedding, but mainly so that we don't have to mess with paperwork and stress of the wedding (car insurance, names, tricare, etc)
I think it's sweet as the MOB to care and be open to those types of ideas, but PLEASE don't push it.
It can suck sometimes that so many military brides get their big day stolen from them for the sake of Uncle Sam. If they can make it work, they will. My FI will be doing some training around our wedding too, so we couldn't have a wedding down in his home state like originally planned, but we picked our date and have been looking forward to it so we're not budging.
It's OUR day. the miltiary pushes people to get married (makes the military look All-American, the American Dream, Family oriented, etc) but we're not letting them tell us when. It's not their day too

TexGal76

I am new here and have been reading a lot about the "secret" wedding stuff.  I understand why some go to the JOP to get married early for whatever reason.  AND I have seen where many brides are saying that a later wedding is only a "vow renewal" not a "wedding ceremony" so you can't have the big ceremony if your married.

So no "wedding" invitations, no "wedding" dress, no father walking the bride down the aisle, no "wedding" cake?  Only reason I'm asking is that FI and I might have to do this before our DW and our families still want a "wedding".  So etiquette dictates this situation not the fact that our families want to see me in a dress at a church, etc.  Just asking...what do we do in this situation???

SamiJoeB

TexGal- I'm curious, why you say you and your FI "have" to do this. You'll see that most of us can give you a ton of reasons to wait and just have your 1 wedding.

If you JOP and plan a Vow Renewal later, you can invite people, have cake and food, you can wear a white dress if you want. I don't think it's appropriate for your father to walk you down the asile, because that signifyies that he is giving you to your H, but if he's already your H, then what is the point of that ya know? People disagree with me, but thats just how I feel about things. If and when I renew my vows (I didn't JOP btw), I'll walk hand in hand with my DH, because we are renewing our vows to each other.
You would also need to word your invitations differently, to ensure that your guests know they are attending a VR, not a wedding.

TexGal76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_introducing-myself-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:0e90e208-d2b7-46dc-8ea7-b1a63054cbcfPost:42d1e471-656d-47e4-a869-803b50d1cf25">Re: Introducing myself and a question</a>:
[QUOTE]TexGal- I'm curious, why you say you and your FI "have" to do this. You'll see that most of us can give you a ton of reasons to wait and just have your 1 wedding. If you JOP and plan a Vow Renewal later, you can invite people, have cake and food, you can wear a white dress if you want. I don't think it's appropriate for your father to walk you down the asile, because that signifyies that he is giving you to your H, but if he's already your H, then what is the point of that ya know? People disagree with me, but thats just how I feel about things. If and when I renew my vows (I didn't JOP btw), I'll walk hand in hand with my DH, because we are renewing our vows to each other. You would also need to word your invitations differently, to ensure that your guests know they are attending a VR, not a wedding.
Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]

I KNOW I'm gonna get crap for this but...it has to do with our situation.  Met FI in the UK while he was stationed there (he's not military though) and stayed with him on a tourist visa, went back to the U.S. for the holidays, got engaged, went back to the UK (able to stay for another 6 months) BUT then he got transfered to Germany 3 weeks after we got back.  I can only stay 3 months here.  All our family UNDERSTANDS our situation....we can even go to Denmark to get married where it is recognized by the U.S.  Our family doesn't care that we do it but they are insisting on seeing us exchange vows together, etc. 

I guess I could go back to the U.S. until November....find a job, find my own place, get married, then wait to get on his orders and come back over.  My family thinks its an absurd idea and I have been back to the U.S. 5 times in the past year and it's getting expensive. 

Oh and the whole daddy walking the bride down the aisle....he already did that.  I'm divorced but they hated the guy and they are soooo happy this time around.  I wish I could do it over here but it's not recognized in the U.S. though so we would have to fly back to the states to do ahead of time. 

Beachy730

FFS Texgal - like I already said in the other thread, your situation is different.  Please read the posts before you comment.  Nobody said it's wrong to do a JOP and VR later.  We said not to lie to people.  But please, if you want to keep typing out your special snowflake story in every thread, knock yourself out.   

SamiJoeB

Lol Beach. Can I just tell you that I like your Special Snowflake comment, and I like how well it goes with your pic. I miss WA

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_introducing-myself-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:0e90e208-d2b7-46dc-8ea7-b1a63054cbcfPost:b8f3aede-8eb8-4293-990e-8ec182a73faf">Re: Introducing myself and a question</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I are getting married a little prior to our actual wedding, but mainly so that we don't have to mess with paperwork and stress of the wedding (car insurance, names, tricare, etc) I think it's sweet as the MOB to care and be open to those types of ideas, but PLEASE don't push it. It can suck sometimes that so many military brides get their big day stolen from them for the sake of Uncle Sam. If they can make it work, they will. My FI will be doing some training around our wedding too, so we couldn't have a wedding down in his home state like originally planned, but we picked our date and have been looking forward to it so we're not budging. It's OUR day. the miltiary pushes people to get married (makes the military look All-American, the American Dream, Family oriented, etc) but we're not letting them tell us when. It's not their day too ;)
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

Oh, I'm not the MOB, just her Aunt.  they have rescheduled for September so all is well.