Advice...

[Deleted User]

Hello ladies

So, our wedding is in September and we're having a cocktail reception.  It's on a Sunday and it's from 7-11:30.  That being said, we decided pretty early on that we didn't want kiddos at the wedding. FI is away right now so he told me aok on the kiddo stuff and agreed that our reception is too late for some of his second cousins (1 yr old-5yr olds) but the 12 yr olds and up would prob be ok to come. FMIL agreed as well and it was her family in question that was being discussed (my family and friends knew to leave the babies home). Well, today I find out nothing was ever said to the families with youngins even though this was something FI, FMIL, and I all agreed upon.  She told me she doesn't feel comfortable telling her family not to bring their family.  the last thing i would ever want to do is offend anyone and certainly I know that I could just address the envelopes to the adults, but the whole point of the discussion between the 3 of us was to limit the ages of child-guests so we didn't have this problem 2 months before the wedding and so word of mouth would be sufficient.  I love my FMIL; we're great friends and she's a great person, but I just feel like I'm railroaded now because even when she's had the opportunity to say things to people she hasn't and I don't know that side of the family at all. What would you ladies do?

Sorry this is so long, I'm new at this posting thing and have only commented twice...

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:295feca5-d35c-4c94-871e-0aa1d510d3bfPost:b61467ae-dd4a-4abd-a66b-30711b9dc282">Advice...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello ladies :) So, our wedding is in September and <strong>we're having a cocktail reception.  It's on a Sunday and it's from 7-11:30</strong>.  That being said, we decided pretty early on that we didn't want kiddos at the wedding. FI is away right now so he told me aok on the kiddo stuff and agreed that our reception is too late for some of his second cousins (1 yr old-5yr olds) but the 12 yr olds and up would prob be ok to come. FMIL agreed as well and it was her family in question that was being discussed (my family and friends knew to leave the babies home). Well, today I find out nothing was ever said to the families with youngins even though this was something FI, FMIL, and I all agreed upon.  She told me she doesn't feel comfortable telling her family not to bring their family.  the last thing i would ever want to do is offend anyone and certainly I know that I could just address the envelopes to the adults, but the whole point of the discussion between the 3 of us was to limit the ages of child-guests so we didn't have this problem 2 months before the wedding and so word of mouth would be sufficient.  I love my FMIL; we're great friends and she's a great person, but I just feel like I'm railroaded now because even when she's had the opportunity to say things to people she hasn't and I don't know that side of the family at all. What would you ladies do? Sorry this is so long, I'm new at this posting thing and have only commented twice...
Posted by burgerqueen929[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Are you at least having heavy apps at your reception? 7pm is a meal time.</div><div>
</div><div> From an etiquette standpoint, you will just have to address your invites with only the adults invited. If they rsvp with more than who are invited, you can kindly call them and say you only have room for so much people. </div><div>
</div><div>I do understand how your FMIL feels, I am also like that in a way, and so are my mother and MIL. </div><div>
</div>

Beachy730

As Kara said, just address the invites to who is invited, and make no mention of who isn't.  For example, write "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith."  

Having a child free wedding is completely acceptable, and is your choice.  Just something else to consider which could upset people are your age cutoffs, and if they break up families.  For example, if your age cutoff is 12, and one family has a 14 year old and a 10 year old, it puts them in an awkward situation.  So I would try to make your cutoff at a point where no family is split.  

As long as you're fair, people should understand.  Having an arbitrary cutoff for kids, like age or first cousins only makes it easier for people to understand.  Just don't pick and choose which kids to invite.  

However if it truly becomes a huge problem, and the only reason you're not inviting kids is because you think it's too late for them, then just invite the kids and let the parents decide.  Our reception went from 6pm to midnight, and we invited all of our first cousins, which included kids as young as 2.  We left it up to the parents to decide if they wanted their kids to come, and how late they would stay.  Some arrnaged for people to come pick the kids up halfway through, some had them stay the whole time.  

[Deleted User]

yupp, heavy apps (passed and stationary) and desserts. Cocktail party sounds more like it. and the reception actually starts at 7:30 (ceremony is at 7).

[Deleted User]

Thanks.  Originally, we didn't want to have any kids but, there are cousins who are 12 and 15 and FI said "come on, they're not little guys!" so, we said ok, there are 4 families where this applies and 2 have kids under 5 and the other 2 are 12 and older so, 12 was our "gauge for age." Because they're all from OOT and not familiar with our city (which is also having some kind of once in a limetime event that wknd) we're having a coach bus transport ppl down so if all kiddos came, and some got fussy, they're stuck and 25 min away from the hotel...

kara811

I'm just curious, how far is your wedding from where they live since you said OOT? Where do you expect the kids 5 and under be left at? This might create a stir in the families, why not just invite the other kids as well if it's not for budgetary reasons anyway. Like Beach suggested, it's best for the parents to just decide on this one. 

[Deleted User]

8 hours away I think... New England. As for who would be watching them, well, FMIL had said to me that the grandparents of the kids would probably watch them (the grandparents unrealted to FI family).

Thank you both for the advice!

calindi

We're having kids at our wedding because I can't imagine not inviting them - every family wedding I've ever been to has included everyone.  But that's just us.  We're also hiring two babysitters to have a kids' room after dinner in case parents want a break or kids would rather do their own thing - we're going to convert the bridal suite into a playroom, with a TV with movies, some games, coloring books, kid-friendly food like apple slices and goldfish crackers, and some pillows and blankets in case the little ones pass out.  We'll have a sign-in sheet so parents sign their kids in and out if they want to take them dancing or something.

It's perfectly acceptable for you to invite just the adults - if that's your plan, then stick to it on both sides of the family.  Word of mouth is helpful, but not essential.  The invitation will speak for itself, and anyone who asks to bring children can be kindly told by either you or your FI (depending on whose side of the family it is) that due to the late hour and budget limitations, you're unable to have young children attend. Simple as that. Perhaps you can recommend them to a babysitting service in the area if they want to have their children watched at the hotel?

heather0711

I agree with others, etiquette states all you really have to do is address the envelopes to whom is actually invited. Our wedding reception is 'no one under 18' and some families have 20 year olds and a 16 year old but I couldn't say yes to one and no to another. It's a tricky situation to be in, some people will be cranky about it but no matter what you do, someone will always have something to say. 

[Deleted User]

Thanks, Ladies

I'm addressing to adults only and crossing my fingers. When I get some angry phone calls or emails I'll cross that bridge then. The good thing is though, there's a State Fair and all kinds of fun stuff going on in the area so if ppl do bring kiddos into town, I can arrange for someone to take the kids somewhere else instead of the wedding. We'll see!