Army fiance broke off engagment last night.

kfm2015

My fiance and I have been planning our wedding for about a month now. And it has been very stressful. He is deployed here in DC from florida. In July, once his deployment was up, he was moving here to DC. He has a large family, great friends, and his whole unit that he has been with for 9 years all in Florida. Up until this point, he was sad about having to leave them but told me that he was 100% sure that what he wanted to do was be with me, here. I cannot move to FL because I have a six year old here that I share joint custody with her father. He would never let me take full custody, I could never leave her, and I wouldnt want her away from her father. Last night he told me that for the last two weeks he has been having major doubts about moving here and getting married. He has said in the past that marriage is not what's important to him, just being with me is. He said he really does love me, and he really doesnt want to lose me, he just feels like if he was here in DC he would not be happy. I told him that being with me should be what makes him happy...and we would be visiting his family several times a year. When he moves home typically after deployment, he says hes there for two weeks before he cant wait to leave again. There are no jobs... and the family that he misses so much, drives him crazy. Well apparently now, that's where he wants to be. He said that he wants a few days to think about it but most likely his feelings aren't going to change and maybe hes just not ready. I told him that a few days wouldn't change anything, and how would i know if he decides he DOES want to be with me that he isn't going to just change his mind again. Could I please get some constructive feedback? Its a very high likelihood that he will come back in the next few days wanting to be with me. if that is the case, what parameters should I set up to try and make it work. I recognize that giving up his family, his friends, and his unit, not to mention moving to another state, and changing his career is extremely stressful on top of getting married... so I dont know maybe if this is a normal reaction that I dont know how to deal with.

CAB1217

I am sorry you're dealing with this. My advice is to leave him alone. Show him what it's REALLY like to not be with you. If it's something he wants, than so be it. But, you don't deserve to have a man treat you like you're just someone who he may or may not want to spend his life with. It should be certain to him. 

It's going to be hard, but you have to not make excuses for him right now. Stop thinking that this is because it's stress, or fear of change, or anything else that gives him an out for what he's doing. Bottom line, if a man wants to be with you, he WILL be with you. I speak from experience here. I had someone break an engagement off on me, too. It suckkkkked. But, I got through it. 

I'm not saying that he won't change his mind, but if he does, be careful. Who's to say he won't do this to you again? 

kfm2015

thank you for your support and sold "girl talk" answers. This is one of the most difficult situations ive ever tried to navigate. I appreciate you not bashing me like I'm a dumb woman who can see what's right in front of her face. Because I do. I think the only thing he could do to redeem our relationship is to move on his own and focus on starting his life here because he knows whats most important. Thank you again and this has been immensly helpful.

CAB1217

You're welcome. Sometimes we need to just here what we already know, and it sounds like you know what's right, but need to talk it out and stregthen your decision. Once the initial pain of this wears off, you'll feel bad asssss about being strong and not letting someone treat you like a maybe, regardless of the outcome between you two.