Deployment and wedding...

nurse2109

Hey erveryone. I don't know if anyone else out there is in the same boat as me but I need some advice. FI and I have been engaged for almost 2 years and our wedding is planned for august 20,2011 and we have been together for almost 9 years. FI is in the national guard And just got word this weekend he will be deployed in early spring. We were thinking of just doing a justice of the peace and having a ceremony and reception when he came home next year. Our families are aware of our plans but is it ok to have a ceremony and reception when he comes home seeing as how we will already have been married? I am so completely overwhelmed right now and feel lost. Thanks for your input in advance.

kyrgyzstan

I would just wait and have the wedding you had already planned to have when he gets back, but I would never JOP for any reason. FI is likely deploying next autumn, and our wedding is in August. If his deployment got moved up, we'd move the full wedding up, or we'd wait until he was back.

iluvmytxrgr

I would either move your wedding date up or wait until he is back.  If you move it up, it might not be exactly what you had planned.  However, you will have the same end result and your family will still be able to share it with you. 

kara811

I would also wait, and have the wedding you both want when your FI gets back. Many people here have changed their wedding dates due to deployment schedules, our wedding date changed at least twice because of it. Plus, you can't get "married" again if you're already married. You can still do JOP now, and have a vow renewal later, but none of the usual wedding traditions(registries, boquet/garter tosses, etc) 

Diana Smith

I am becoming a military wife and I have a lot of friends who are already wives in the military. It is a personal sacrifice you have to make yourself. It is not unheard of to go to the justice of the peace. Personally if my Fiancee was being deployed I would marry him before then have a wedding when he comes home. I don't know if it is the same, I am assuming it is, but for the Coast Guard (what branch my Fiancee is in) your husband gets paid more when you are married so maybe if you are in a money crunch it will help ease the burden while he is gone. If it is a concern of yours that you think it is weird or wrong I would wait. My Fiancee wanted to get married at the justice of the peace right away because he wanted to make more money before we had to move (in June) but for me I told him that getting married was a once in a lifetime thing for me and it was very important to me to walk down the isle being a single person not already married at the court house. He completely understood so maybe talk to your Fiancee about it and get his input. Remember your a team he will want to do what makes you happy... If he doesn't just tell him  "Happy Wife, Happy Life" 

shibbs86

I think it's perfectly fine to get married now and then have a reception once he is back. A few of my friends have done this as well, and 2 couples did it just becaus they didn't want a big ceremony because they'd rather have a bigger budget for their reception. My understanding is this is becomin more popular.

In my opinion, it depends more on who you want there to share your actually married vs. who you want to have a big party with.

kkperson

I know a number of other military couples who have had small, justice of the peace ceremonies, only to have their large, extravagent weddings when their spouse returns. My FI and I would have gone this route, except neither sets of parents were supportive, which was important to us.

Ultimately, it's your decision. It may be a morbid thought, but you also need to think about what could happen if he doens't come home - it may influence whether you choose to have the JOP or not.

kyrgyzstan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_deployment-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:5fbca25c-8770-4396-883b-037b910d1a1bPost:7fd3e3ef-f59b-494a-8e19-4140cb64d5d8">Re: Deployment and wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]I know a number of other military couples who have had small, justice of the peace ceremonies, only to have their large, extravagent weddings when their spouse returns. My FI and I would have gone this route, except neither sets of parents were supportive, which was important to us. Ultimately, it's your decision. It may be a morbid thought, but you also need to think about what could happen if he doens't come home - it may influence whether you choose to have the JOP or not.
Posted by kkperson[/QUOTE]

<div>That has nothing to do with getting married. Your fiance can make you the beneficiary of anything a spouse would be. All he has to do is properly fill out his RED (record of emergency data, which also includes casualty notification). I'm not married, and I am the full beneficiary of back pay, life insurance,  etc., and I am first on the casualty notification list. The only thing you cannot recieve without a legally defined (parent/child, spouse, etc.) relationship is remains. </div>

sunset881

I can more than relate to you on what you are going through. Its not an easy choice to make-yet when you truely are inlove with someone and plan on spending the rest of your life with them, it should not matter who is all there-the only thing that should matter is its him and you-thats all you need is each other hun.  You can plan for the future yet with the military and deployments you cannot plan as much as you would like- so if I was you- ask yourself one simple question could you live with yourself not marrying him while he is away on tour-where god-forbid something did happen where he did not come home and live with the choice of not marrying him...There is nothing wrong with the JOP and with him getting deployed I think its something you and him need to have a very long talk about.. I can honeslty say don't allow the extra money to play a role in this choice tho. Deployments are beyond hard enough to deal with-

I wish you both much happiness-him a safe return home- yet most of all  I'm more than sure you both will make the right choice

calindi

Do what feels right for you both and your family, but just be up front about it if you choose to have a small ceremony first and then a big reception after he gets back - please don't get married in secret just to bank the extra money while he's gone, and please don't believe that you'll be "taken care of" any better if you are married while he's gone vs. engaged - you'll miss him just as much, and he'll be gone just as long, whether you're married or not!  So if you want the whole big thing little girls dream of, just wait.

Good luck!  Sorry to hear he's deploying, and feel free to drop by if you need a shoulder to lean on while he's gone!

9doors

My fiance and I discussed this when setting our wedding date. We knew there would be ample time if his unit got deployment notice, but if he was moved to another unit there might be a time crunch. His thought was that he didn't want to leave behind a fiance, he wanted to leave behind a wife, so we would move our whole wedding up even if it wasn't going to be everything we imagined. His job in the Army is dangerous even at home, and he says having me gives him more reason to come home in one piece.

L&ALatimer

My daughter and husband were in the similar situation.  I agree with the post about "morbid thoughts."  It is a reality when they are deployed.  We had a small ceremony in the clergy's office and then a dinner afterwards.  He was injured (not critically) but required surgery.  Now we are trying to set a date and as anyone knows the Marines aren't always accomodating with maneuvers, transfers etc.  It is going to take us 2 years after the initial ceremony to find a date condusive to his responsibilities.  We are so proud of him that it is one of the sacrifices of military life.  The ceremony will not have less meaning and I'm glad my daughter has had the benefits of military life in the mean time.  Also, it helped my Marine son-in-law when he was so far away knowing that his wife was back in the States waiting for him.  There are no rules anymore.  Do what works for you and your fiance.

1020Bride

We are doing this for several reasons:
1.) His sister is listed as emergency contact and hates me, so i wouldn't be able t find anything out if we weren't married and something happened.
2.) Want to know that I am/was married to love of my life if anything did happen
3.) It just feels right for us!

We are still having a ceremony and reception when he gets back just not doing the registry etc.  still having a wedding party and all that... 

I say go with what feels right.

marrying him 3.7.11 having our wedding 10.20.12

MrsShattles78

Do what makes u both happy! Im having my wedding and reception in 6 days and my husband and I got married in 2009 due to a deployment. He wanted to be sure I was taken care of should something happen to him. Thank goodness he came home safe! We're doing most of the same traditions as a regular wedding because well, I haven't read anywhere that u can't:) People will judge, but we had to save to have the wedding of our dreams.....not easy when you're the ones paying for it, not mom and dad. It was the best decision for us and we're just as happy as ever. Good luck and best wishes!!

kmp0317

My husband and I did the justice of the peace and are now planning the ceremony and reception.  I am glad we went ahead and did the JofP because the military respects a wife WAY more than a girlfriend or fiancee. 

lamoureux86

If there's anything I've learned from this question being asked on theknot it is that this topic will always be a highly sensitive one! Some people get very, very upset at the thought of a JOP or private planned ceremony followed by a reception months later. My FI and I are getting married next month (just the 2 of us in a planned ceremony on the beach, we live in Hawaii) and having our reception/party in October back in Maine (albeit, without all of the traditional reception trimmings). I have received some of the rudest, meanest comments about our plans and then again I've had some of the sweetest, most supportive responses (mostly here on the military board where the girls are way more understanding..and a bit more classy I think haha!..some of those other girls are just MEAN!).

Anyway, I think it comes down to what YOU and YOUR FIANCE want. It is your day. If it's for love (and not extra money and benefits) then go for it! People will always judge, let it roll right off your shoulders. YES, it is okay to have a ceremony and reception later on so long as you're open and honest to ALL of your guests that you are already married. Just don't be sneaky!

liamahal

My husband was called to deployment a week before having to leave.  For us, it felt right to have a civil wedding before he left, and now we are planning our church wedding when he returns in November.  I don't regret it one bit. 

We had our wedding at his parents house, the night before he had to deploy.  So we only told immediate family to attend.  We kept it a secret from the extended (100+) family that attended his going away party that night, so they wouldn't crash our civil wedding.  We're actually going to tell the rest of the family on our slideshow by showing them a picture of our civil wedding.  We thought it'd be a fun way to tell them.

Ultimately, it's up to you and your fiance'.

lamoureux86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_deployment-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:5fbca25c-8770-4396-883b-037b910d1a1bPost:77af2b84-fe2f-4e3e-9cfc-9f02ae2db750">Re: Deployment and wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband was called to deployment a week before having to leave.  For us, it felt right to have a civil wedding before he left, and now we are planning our church wedding when he returns in November.  I don't regret it one bit.  We had our wedding at his parents house, the night before he had to deploy.  So we only told immediate family to attend. <strong> We kept it a secret from the extended (100+) family that attended his going away party that night, so they wouldn't crash our civil wedding.  We're actually going to tell the rest of the family on our slideshow by showing them a picture of our civil wedding.  We thought it'd be a fun way to tell them.</strong> Ultimately, it's up to you and your fiance'. =)
Posted by liamahal[/QUOTE]

I knew I saw this post somewhere! I accidentally replied to it on another board. I'm not sure if you saw it liamahal but I just wanted to say that based on what I've read from other posters here on The Knot and elsewhere, it's not the best idea to "surprise" your guests on your "wedding day" by telling them you've been married for nearly a year. You are risking a lot of hard feelings and upset guests who have put time and money into attending what they believe to be your wedding. Personally, I would be extremely turned off if I found out I was attending a faux wedding. Just be aware that not all of your guests might appreciate your surprise! It's best to be open and honest and maybe have a vow renewal or a 'reception' and tell your guests that you are already married but want to get everyone together to celebrate and have fun. Just a bit of advice, not trying to rain on your parade, best of luck to you guys!

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_deployment-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:5fbca25c-8770-4396-883b-037b910d1a1bPost:77af2b84-fe2f-4e3e-9cfc-9f02ae2db750">Re: Deployment and wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband was called to deployment a week before having to leave.  For us, it felt right to have a civil wedding before he left, and now we are planning our church wedding when he returns in November.  I don't regret it one bit.  We had our wedding at his parents house, the night before he had to deploy.  So we only told immediate family to attend.  We kept it a secret from the extended (100+) family that attended his going away party that night, so they wouldn't crash our civil wedding.  We're actually going to tell the rest of the family on our slideshow by showing them a picture of our civil wedding.  We thought it'd be a fun way to tell them. Ultimately, it's up to you and your fiance'. =)
Posted by liamahal[/QUOTE]

<div>Please rethink this.  I know I would be very upset, hurt, and angry if I was at what i thought was the wedding of a good friend and/or family member, only to be shown a slideshow that basicaly says "haha fooled you all, we've actually been married for over a year now.  Thanks for the gifts though!"  </div><div>
</div><div>While you might not see how people could feel this way, there are many, many people who will.  I'm not a big fan of doing a JOP then wedding later, but as long as people are open and honest with everyone about it, then it doesn't bother me as much.  This is just really rude to all of your guests, and I hope you can see that before you make this slideshow and potentially damage some relationships.  And you can defend it by saying "they love me they won't care," but in reality they will be very hurt.  </div>