Please help

horsevaulter

My finance just got word yesterday that he is being deployed to Iraq in 3 weeks. Im devastated but I know we will get through this! We want to get married before he leaves, something small and simple and then have the big wedding or celebration when he gets home. How do we plan the reception/ wedding part? He still wants me to walk down the isle in a white dress and veil, is that how its usually done?  How do we word the invites?? Please help I have no idea about what to do for the second part!! 

hedsill

Oh no!  The same thing just happened to us and I know how hard it is to change your plans on a dime.  Seems to me you could definitely do both if you wanted to, get married now and have a celebration when he gets back.  It's all about how you and your fiance feel about it.

ScissortailFlycatcher

For the ceremony, is there an on base chapel and chaplain that is available? I would go there ASAP to see what the chaplain has available.

Then, since it will be pretty small, plan small. A backyard BBQ or a nice restaraunt. There's not much else you will need, besides the people you want at the ceremony and reception.

If I were you I would keep it as small as possible, imediate family only. And then while he is gone you can plan the kind of reception you guys want and have it when he gets back.

GL : )

mehgank

When I got married to my ex, neither of our families could make it since it was so far away. We had a small wedding (about 8 people, on a beach) and then a BBQ reception at a friend's house. Once we PCSed back home, we had our reception (no ceremony, no church, no walking down the aisle). Our guests basically treated it like it was our reception had they been at the ceremony, and I even got to wear my wedding dress again.

You could word the invites as a Vow Renewal or Wedding Celebration, so you're clear to guests that you're already married, but you're just now getting around to celebrating it with your families.

HDutko

My husband and I did the same thing, did a JOP at town hall and are now having our actual weding in front of family and friends this weekend. Just make sure you plan ahead of what time he is suppose to be getting home. If they tell you 12 months, plan the wedding for 14 months out so that you are sure he will be home for it. Other then that notify your families about what is going on. Not all people will support your choice but those close to you will. GL.

khrissy91

The same thing happened to me . Go to the base chapel or JOP and just do it! That way you can get power of attorney and all necessary legal docs signed before he leaves.

We wre suppose to get married May 15, 2010, but had to do a quickie on 10/09/2009. We did JOP and are having our catholic wedding and reception when he comes home. If you have already paid for the reception hall let them know asap, most places are understanding when you tell them it has to be postponed due to military and deployment..

Good luck and prayers to the both of you for a safe and fast return

LuluP82

Doing this too. Going to JOP on Friday, just the two of us. Then having a Catholic or Episcopal church ceremony (we haven't decided yet, I'm Catholic and he's Episcopal) and reception next summer. We have cleared this plan with a Catholic priest and with an Episcopalian minister. Both are understanding and fine with it.

Our families and very, very close friends know, but no one else does. To us, this is just paperwork, and we still want our church ceremony to feel like the real wedding, so we're not doing vows or rings-- just the bare minimum we need to do to make it legal. That said, I did buy a new dress today and am doing my nails and all that jazz, and we're going out to a nice dinner and away for the weekend to celebrate. I'm sure some people will judge and accuse us of having two weddings or a fake wedding, but we've always wanted a church wedding and that's a real wedding to us. If they don't want to celebrate it with us, they don't have to. No one is making them come.

Good luck.

LuluP82

Forgot to add-- at the church ceremony, I'm wearing a wedding gown and veil and walking down the aisle with my daddy. Very traditional. We've been together for four years and have been waiting to get engaged and planning to get married for the past 2 years, waiting for the right time...we're not about to not have the wedding we want just because some people might get bothered.

kyrgyzstan

I'm against JOPing, but mainly because I don't see the point in getting legally married if you want all the jazz of a fancy day. Just wait if you want it so much. The only reason I can see in many of these cases is for the benefits. If you do it for that reason, people have the right to judge you just as much as you have the right not to care. 

This argument has been had 8 billion times on this board though. People do what they want. 

ETA: It's almost impossible not to lose some specialness. You will 'feel' like his wife, everyone he works with will refer to you as thus. 

LuluP82

You know, I have given this a lot of thought over the last few months. I have always envisioned my wedding a certain way, and I was willing to forgo it all to do what's best for us-- for my fiance, for me, and for our future family. After speaking with my family and friends, though, I was convinced they didn't think it was a big deal to do both, so I agreed to do it. Maybe it's because my family is foreign, from a place where everyone has to go to the JOP AND to a church (in many, many countries, it's against the law for a clergyman to perform a legally binding wedding ceremony; it must be an official of the government). I've been to many of those weddings, and I never thought that the fact that the bride and groom were legally married took away from the excitement of the day or the beauty of the ceremony.

I guess I just don't see the big deal. The guests are coming to see the bride and groom exchange vows and the celebrate with them. Does the signing of a marriage license really add that much to a wedding ceremony? Other than when I was MOH in a wedding and signed the thing, I can't remember ever even seeing it!

That said, since I know apparently some people would be outraged to know we have signed a piece of paper before inviting them to our wedding, I will make sure to word my save-the-dates and invites in a way that reflects our wedding is a purely Christian ceremony, not a legal one.

kyrgyzstan

I'm not outraged by JOPs. I had one with my XH. I just think they're pointless, and almost always for the BAH/Sep Pay/Health insurance. Not a good enough reason. I think I've heard of one on this board for a semi decent reason. And after hers, she didn't even live with her H. Nothing until they were married at church. That's the only way to keep a semblance of the special feeling. You will feel married. Because you will be. 

Rock all your VRs, but don't expect them to be the same as a wedding would have been. For you or your guests. 

LuluP82

I'm not trying to convince you or anything like that, I just am trying to understand.

Do you think that weddings are less special, in general, if people live together prior to marriage? Because it would seem from your post above that you do, since you feel the only way to keep it special is to not live with your H prior to the church wedding. If that's the case, then I understand. I  know many couples who live together for many years, share finances, etc. There are even some where they have children before being married. I just don't see why having signed a marriage license would make you feel more married than the situations above.

Then again...I'll have to let you know if I feel some magical transformative moment when I sign the piece of paper.

kyrgyzstan

Oh heck no. I just learned from experience that no matter how much I didn't want the JOP to feel like we were really married, it did. I would never do it again, and am cautioning people who think it will be the same. I am oddly glad I did do it, because now my actual wedding to the right person will mean a lot more to me than if I had had a big wedding with XH.

SO and I lived together before I transferred to the university I'm at now, and we'll do so again when I graduate next month. That has nothing to do with it, IMO. But I know if we JOPd, it would feel different. Having everyone at his work call me his wife, having a dependent ID card, tricare, etc. makes you feel married. The example I discussed above is to point out the kind of effort I think it takes to make a JOP not feel like a marriage. 

I really have no personal issue with other people's JOPs, I will happily attend VRs. I don't care what people do until they start whining that people aren't taking their wedding seriously because they're already married. People have the right to take it seriously or not. I don't like when any bride, first wedding or VR, gets entitled about other people's opinions. 

I'm simply, whenever I respond to these posts, trying to caution young brides that it is highly unlikely that their VR will feel as if they had waited to have their wedding. Often in this culture, the rush to marry around high sensitivity times (boot camp, MOS school, deployment) is far higher than it needs to be. It's a fascinating phenomenon, that I mainly see in military culture. It's a rush to do things that don't necessarily need to be rushed.  

LuluP82

Fair enough, I get your point. I think it's different when it's two 18 year olds who barely know each other (no offense) and who could probably gain from waiting.  We're in our late twenties/early thirties, and we've just weighed the pros and cons and decided to do things this way.  And I like to think we've been mature about the whole thing-- My family and close friends all know about the JOP and it doesn't seem to bother them, and my "big" wedding isn't going to be very big-- 75 people or so. That said, we are not exchanging rings or vows at the JOP at all; we're saving that for the Christian wedding ceremony next year. We've spoken to the priest even, and he's fine with it too.

And-- we're not living together either, at least not in the immediate future. Where I live is too far from base for him to come home every night, so I just see him on the weekends. Hopefully that, combined with the fact that I never go to base and don't actually know anyone there, will help with the whole feeling real thing next spring.

I also agree with you that it's unreasonable to expect ppl to be excited as about your wedding as you are-- regardless of whether it's your legal wedding or your "do-over" wedding. I just also think that sometimes, there are practical reasons at play that should be considered, and it's also unreasonable to ignore those or to expect people to give up on something they've always wanted just because they did what they had to do. For us, I know we won't feel truly married until we exchange vows in front of our families and our priest and God. We didn't want to give that up due to logistics.

ksn56

I think you do it how YOU want to do it!!! I personally think the main thing is to make sure that all guests know you ARE married. Don’t try to pass it off as your wedding if its not! I’ve been to one that did that and it left a nasty taste in everyone, and I do mean everyone family & friend’s mouth. We would have still given a gift and shared in their joy but being lied to like the joke was on us was not right!!!!
I will also say that while I totally agree with JOPing (we did it) I totally agree with pp - it will have that ‘oh my gosh we’re married’ emotion even if you don’t exchange rings or anything. We did exchange rings and while we were in shorts and t-shirts in a foreign pastors living room with no family and friends - we loved and cherished every minute of it and I was immediately filled with that 'i'm his wife' joy. But I know that standing in front of our family and friends will be just as special and emotional to us.
We have been married 8 years and our ‘wedding’ has been put off FIVE times because of deployments and leave issues! We are finally doing it for our 10 year anniversary and our vow renewal will be everything we wanted including my dad walking me down in a simple lace gown. Might seem silly to some but it is important to us and everyone in attendance knows it is important to us.
Our invites are normal invites since I think the style sets the ton for the day. They will say ‘Because you have shared in our lives, by your friendship and love, our names, along with our son XXX, request the honor of your presence, at our reaffirmation of vows, then date-time-location info.’Our ceremony is a combo of vow renewal and traditional ceremonies I found online. Because we’re already married my uncle who means the world to me will officiate. We are having a maid of honor and best man because hubby really want his bf to be part of the day. Our son and my niece will act as ring bearer/flower girl. He is carrying a bird nest with love birds because no rings. We are not exchanging rings obviously but rather touching each other's ring for the vows.
Reception will be everything normal one is - guest book (cept ours is squares of material for quilt), cake cutting, toasts, etc.
Again, as long as it is what you want and the guest know the truth - ENJOY it and plan away!!!  Hope this helps ya.

mnp1987

My husband and I had to do the same thing, get a quick JOP paper signing and then he was off, back to Iraq. To be honest, the benefits were one of the main reasons we chose to do it so quickly.

I was living in a terrible situation where my roommates, who were also co-workers of mine, were blowing up and melting my kitchen appliances, destroying my furniture and the house in general, taking apart the stairs that led up to my room in order to build a rock-climbing wall, letting drunk people I didn't know pass out in my bed if I was gone and letting their dogs pee and poop all over the floors...oh and continue to eat my bras, underwear, and the stuffed animals my finace was sending me. They were constantly partying until 3-4 in the morning and the house was always a disaster that I just couldn't keep up with! They smoked cigarettes and pot in the house and spilled alcohol of all sorts on everything...which in turn made everything I own smell like a nasty bar! I tried talking to them nicely, I tried fighting with them, I tried everything but nothing worked! The landlord didn't really care as long as he got his money...and yes, he was a piece of crap! lol

I couldn't kick them out since my name wasn't on the lease; I had moved into that house with my ex and when he moved out we were still together (he got out of the military and moved home...I was supposed to follow but it didn't work out) and he told me that even though I worked with the people we had moved in, that I shouldn't put my name on the lease just in case something goes wrong. Best advice I've ever gotten!

It got so bad that I ended up having to quit my job and move...my husband and I needed the BAH! We don't love each other any less for getting married like that! He was the one that insisted on getting me out of that house ASAP and wanted us to do quicky JOP ceremony so that we could afford to pay rent somewhere else! As a matter of fact, I think that shows just how much he really does love me because he had wanted to wait until after he got home from his deployment so that our wedding was everything we both dreamed it would be. Life doesn't always work out that way! He said that it was more important to be able to take care of his wife than anything else...he's an amazing man!

I know tons of people that have had to wait for their real wedding ceremony, and it was always just as special for them! Of course it was special in a different way but to them, it WAS their wedding! Just like for my husband and I, this ceremony we are planning right now will be our wedding! And I can't wait!!! I'm so excited!!!

Yes, we already think of each other as husband and wife even though we have NEVER lived together, but how can you not feel the "OMG we're married!" even with a JOP ceremony?