Walking Alone...really struggling...

csweaney

I'm really struggling you guys. My dad has been absent from my life for almost all of it (he is from another country and after he and my mom got divorced he moved back). We talk fairly often and although he hasn't earned much respect from me (he never paid child support like he was supposed to and I literally have not seen him in person in 15 years) but since he is my father I respect him in that way. My mom has been remarried since I was about 8 years old and while I respect my step father and he has supported me financially for many years, we don't have a very close relationship.

So here is my dilemma--my mom wants me to ask my step dad to walk me down the aisle. It isnt that I DON'T want him to, I just feel that this might disrespect my father and my fathers side of the family (who I love). However, if I just had my dad walk me down the aisle it would disrespect my step dad, which I'd like to avoid as well. 

My original plan all of my life was to have my maternal grandfather walk me down the aisle. He has been the only man that has remained consistently in my life--however, he passed away 3 years ago from lung cancer, so that is no longer an option unfortunately

I asked my mom if she would walk me but she said she'd rather not (shes shy). She proposed I walk in between both my dad and step father but I don't really want to do that either--I would feel like I would be uncomfortable being symbolically "wedged" in between my two families. So what do I do? Walk alone?

I guess I can always say that my grandfather is walking me down the aisle in spirit!

Sorry for the long post...

kateguess22

I'm so sorry csweany. I think that the real issue is that what you want and what your Mom wants are two different things. She may want you to ask your step dad to walk you down the aisle, and that's fair enough for her to want that. However, you are under no obligation to ask him or to want to ask him. It's okay to make a different choice even if that's disappointing for your Mom. Whatever your reasons are, and I think your reasons are sound, what's important is that it's not what you want. I'm so sorry that your maternal grandfather is no longer an option.

Her idea of having both of them was an interesting one but once again that's not what you want. How do you feel about walking alone? Or walking with your fiance? That's a modern option.

Your grandfather will definitely be with you in spirit. Having a male from your family walk you down the aisle is an outdated tradition and the old meaning from it is considered sexist by some. If you prefer, you could go with this reasoning so that nobody feels like it's personal. Also, some people skip having an aisle altogether.

kmmssg

While I absolutely agree that the original meaning is outdated and sexist I really think that modern brides take part in this as an emotional expreience with their dad and having someone to walk with and support you.

OP - I think it would be a great idea if you and FI walked in together.  Is that something you would consider?

Kylieanne80

This is a difficult predicament, but like the others said, you have to do what YOU want and are comfortable with. I'm walking alone because I don't have a close male relative in my life and was not raised with my father. 

I think that a dad/father figure is not just biology, it's the person who was there to support you in whatever way they could. Maybe your step dad and you didn't connect emotionally, but the fact that he was there since childhood and provided financial support is, for some men, the way they show they care. 

Ultimately none of us can advise you on what to do...if you were to take out of the equation how it would look to others or what your mom wants, there's your answer. This is your day and your family will support your decision

csweaney

I'm in quite a pickle...sigh. I kinda like the idea of walking alone. Its a little bit symbolic of how my FI and I came into this point in our lives. We've had to do a lot of growing on our own individually and then when we came together it was like all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I've also seen weddings where the bride walks halfway down the aisle alone and then her FI comes and meets her halfway and walks with her the rest of the way. What do ya'll think?

Chels&Jimmy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_walking-alonereally-struggling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ae3fdc26-40cf-4d46-8bc1-00f9ce77062bPost:cc416db2-5ff4-45a4-aac6-75a754b6ce0e">Re: Walking Alone...really struggling...</a>:
[QUOTE]II've also seen weddings where the bride walks halfway down the aisle alone and then her FI comes and meets her halfway and walks with her the rest of the way. What do ya'll think?
Posted by csweaney[/QUOTE]

<div>I really like that idea. :)  Ultimately it boils down to what YOU want and what you feel comfortable with. </div>

Avion22

Have you considered having your dad walk you half-way down the aisle, then handing you off to your step-father to walk you the rest of the way?

harpsdesire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_walking-alonereally-struggling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ae3fdc26-40cf-4d46-8bc1-00f9ce77062bPost:cc416db2-5ff4-45a4-aac6-75a754b6ce0e">Re: Walking Alone...really struggling...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in quite a pickle...sigh. I kinda like the idea of walking alone. Its a little bit symbolic of how my FI and I came into this point in our lives. We've had to do a lot of growing on our own individually and then when we came together it was like all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I've also seen weddings where the bride walks halfway down the aisle alone and then her FI comes and meets her halfway and walks with her the rest of the way. What do ya'll think?
Posted by csweaney[/QUOTE]

That seems like a good solution and also really sweet!

TiffannieF

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_walking-alonereally-struggling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ae3fdc26-40cf-4d46-8bc1-00f9ce77062bPost:cc416db2-5ff4-45a4-aac6-75a754b6ce0e">Re: Walking Alone...really struggling...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in quite a pickle...sigh. I kinda like the idea of walking alone. Its a little bit symbolic of how my FI and I came into this point in our lives. We've had to do a lot of growing on our own individually and then when we came together it was like all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I've also seen weddings where the bride walks halfway down the aisle alone and then her FI comes and meets her halfway and walks with her the rest of the way. What do ya'll think?
Posted by csweaney[/QUOTE]

This sounds good to me.

Are you having a F/D dance?

csweaney

I will probably have a F/D dance and I will probably dance with both. That isn't as much of a big deal as the "honor" of walking me down the aisle. And as for having one dad walk me half way and my step dad walking me the rest they would fight over who actually gets to "give me away" so that isn't an option either. haha....so complicated!

firsttimersluck

I felt a little stuck like you. 

I chose to walk down by myself. I was giving myself to my husband for us to start our own family... I knew that while I never had a consistent man in my life growing up, I would from here on out. 

Only you can make the decision that is right for YOU, but the ceremony is all about you and your soon-to-be husband. If you don't feel comfortable with either, walk by yourself. It's extremely common now and you won't feel guilty for having to decide between parents. 

ChristineNB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_walking-alonereally-struggling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ae3fdc26-40cf-4d46-8bc1-00f9ce77062bPost:cc416db2-5ff4-45a4-aac6-75a754b6ce0e">Re: Walking Alone...really struggling...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in quite a pickle...sigh. I kinda like the idea of walking alone. Its a little bit symbolic of how my FI and I came into this point in our lives. We've had to do a lot of growing on our own individually and then when we came together it was like all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I've also seen weddings where the bride walks halfway down the aisle alone and then her FI comes and meets her halfway and walks with her the rest of the way. What do ya'll think?
Posted by csweaney[/QUOTE]
I've never heard thsi halfway walk down the aisle idea before, but I really like it. 

brookerich

I can give you this advice from experience, I was married before and am in almost the same situation as you, except I haven't saw my biological father since before I can even remember what he looks like.  And  in my first wedding I was "coaxed" into asking my brother to walk me down the aisle.  We aren't close at all and honestly on the day of it almost felt well......forced. 

This time my fiance is meeting me at the beginning of the aisle and walking me down the aisle.  In Irish tradition (where I'm from) the bride and groom walk "to the church together" and so since we aren't getting married in a church I figure we can walk down the aisle together instead.  I'm positive this will feel right to me. 

And hoestly I'd rather walk down the aisle alone than have to feel like I'm forced to do something or that I was disrespecting one family or another.

Of course thats just my opinion, I've been where you are.  Just remember its YOUR wedding day and don't let anyone talk you into anything you aren't sure about. 

whitney37354

I'd walk down the aisle alone.

csweaney

Thanks for the suggestions ladies. I really appreciate it. I was afraid that if I walked alone people would be like "Oh, poor you, you have no one to walk with" but now that I see you all like the idea I might do just that!

firsttimersluck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_walking-alonereally-struggling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ae3fdc26-40cf-4d46-8bc1-00f9ce77062bPost:36b79769-f983-4b86-9e69-d7c292f1c130">Re: Walking Alone...really struggling...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the suggestions ladies. I really appreciate it. I was afraid that if I walked alone people would be like "Oh, poor you, you have no one to walk with" but now that I see you all like the idea I might do just that!
Posted by csweaney[/QUOTE]

<div>People that think this are petty and stuck in old traditions. My H and I broke a LOT of traditions (for example, he and I went ALONE to pick out my wedding gown. I wouldn't have had it any. other. way.) I got a couple snarky remarks towards some of our breaking-of-traditions.. and My response was always pretty blunt. "Sleeping together before being married is also a "tradition"." "Living together before marriage is also a tradition." etc. People shut up when they realize they are being hypocrites. </div><div>
</div><div>You're a grown up. No man has HAD you in your life to GIVE you to him. YOU have had you. And now you are choosing to have each other. THAT is what makes walking for the aisle alone so special. </div><div>
</div><div>Don't stress this. :) It's a minor detail that most people won't even notice. Promise. </div>

NRod70

I will be walking myself down the aisle.  My dad and grandfather passed many years ago and I do not have a good relationship with my mother (I truly wish I did).  My brother walked my sister at her wedding but I'm an older bride (41) and I don't feel the need for anyone to ''give me away''.

If your mother doesn't want to walk you like you want, then I think you walking and FI meeting you half-way is beautiful.

Go with what is in your heart and if you don't want your father or step-father to walk you, then don't.  Its your day, its all about you and your FI...no one else.

maggib118

I think if you're mother won't walk you, the idea of your FI meeting you half way is woderful!  You can also consider another family member you're close to; my father passed away when I was 19, I had my daughter very young (she's now 22), and my mother got remarried long after I was out of the house. I'm having my daughter walk me down the aisle   My mother is also very shy, but if I REALLY wanted her to, she would, maybe talk to your mother again about her doing it - remind her everyone will be looking at you? 
As everyone else said, it's YOUR day, if you don't want your stepfather walking you then don't; maybe have a dance with him sometime during the reception?