Military Brides

Marriage after high school??

   My boyfriend and I are thinking about marrying after I graduate high school. Did you do this, or consider it?
   He's two and a half years older than me, and will be spending a year over seas and then go to Ranger school. We are thinking to marry either before or after ranger school so I can live/move with him and such. We know eventually we are going to marry anyways, so we think we might as well already do it to make ourselves happier.
   It's not something that would change my mind, but I'm worried about negative opinions among family. Did you experience this? Like I said, it won't change anything, because i'll be 19 and can do it if I want, but it's still a little heartbreaking.
   I feel if they do get upset about it then if they love me they'll get over it. Also if they get upset, they would be being a little hypocritical due to the fact at 16 my mother was parent and had me. Their marriage ended when I was eight, but my marriage won't be forced on me like theirs was because of pregnancy.

   Thanks for your opinions ahead of time, and I would enjoy it if you guys aren't too mean! I'm hoping you guys will understand since you are also involved in the military.
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Re: Marriage after high school??

  • edited December 2011
    Personally, I never considered getting married after High School. Although I was mature I was looking forward to going away to College and getting out of my current town. Although I met SO during my Jr yr of high school and have been together for 7 yrs. Marriage was the last thing on my mind - I knew I loved him, but marriage was not on the radar.

    I was a different person at 17, 18, 19, 20 and so on to 23. I may sound like your parent or any parent but you really are a different person at that age and IMO there are too many unknowns to make that serious of a commitment. For SO and I we grew together but with so many life changes ahead of you there is no telling what will happen.
    It may work out or it may not - my advice is wait and see where life takes you.

    ETA: I don't think its fair or mature of you to throw your Mother's pregancy in her face because she may have concerns. I don't know your Mother but I'm sure her concerns are out of Love for you and your growth as a human being. I also don't know your FI/BF but I hope the fact that he is almost 3 yrs older than you is not acting as a pressure to get married. Plus your "19 I can do what I want" attitude leads me to believe that you're not ready for Marriage.
  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
       The thing about my mother being pregnant with me at young age, i'm not/won't be throwing that in her face. I just have that thought in my mind about how it's a somewhat different story.
       And the "I'm 19 I can do what I want" was phrse in a bad way on my part. I said that because:
       I know this isn't going to give myself much credit, because almost everyone would say this, but I believe I am mature for my age.
       I've always been the one to look ahead and plan my future, and I've always factored that into almost every decision I've made.
       I've been putting money in the bank since I was 12, and I've never taken anything out of it because it's for when I am out on my own. That's not what I was told to do, it was my own decision.
       I feel like I know what I want, and I am able to do it. Marriage and a family is what is important to me.
       Of course before starting a family, I would get a degree first- probably teaching.
    And to address the "you should get out there and live for yourself before you get married" comment (however you want to phrase it) I'm not really interested in that.
       I'm not really one to go out and party or want to live the single life. I can get a degree for teaching anywhere, and if I did go off to a big college it would be the one I've always had in mind, which is a private school, therefore it's costly. I find that to be the wrong decison because I don't want to start my marriage out in debt, when I can happily take classes at a community college.

    I think I addressed everything (if not, I'm sure I will later haha)
    Thanks for you feedback though :)
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
       The thing about my mother being pregnant with me at young age, i'm not/won't be throwing that in her face. I just have that thought in my mind about how it's a somewhat different story.    And the "I'm 19 I can do what I want" was phrse in a bad way on my part. I said that because:    I know this isn't going to give myself much credit, because almost everyone would say this, but I believe I am mature for my age.    I've always been the one to look ahead and plan my future, and I've always factored that into almost every decision I've made.    I've been putting money in the bank since I was 12, and I've never taken anything out of it because it's for when I am out on my own. That's not what I was told to do, it was my own decision.    I feel like I know what I want, and I am able to do it. Marriage and a family is what is important to me.    Of course before starting a family, I would get a degree first- probably teaching. And to address the "you should get out there and live for yourself before you get married" comment (however you want to phrase it) I'm not really interested in that.    I'm not really one to go out and party or want to live the single life. I can get a degree for teaching anywhere, and if I did go off to a big college it would be the one I've always had in mind, which is a private school, therefore it's costly. I find that to be the wrong decison because I don't want to start my marriage out in debt, when I can happily take classes at a community college. I think I addressed everything (if not, I'm sure I will later haha) Thanks for you feedback though :)
    Posted by miabethj
    Thats not exactly what I ment by that phrase. I just think you should get to know yourself a little better. I was never a big partier and I hated being single when SO and I took a break. But since we were LD I was able to grow into myself, make my own friends and be me indepent of my SO first which has prepared me better to enter in marriage.

    My Parent's marriage ended in divorce as well and my belief is this is a once in a lifetime deal- this is for forever. Why hurry up for something that will last a lifetime?

    Perhaps some of the other girls can speak to the stresses of married life in the military a little better than I can. But its something that is hard at any age but I believe that difficultly raises expontentially the younger the couple is. I am a huge part of my SO's career in the Military. He is judged on my behavior and held responsible.

    I dunno you may be superwomen.
    In the end it is your decision/life and I wish you nothing but the best.
  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
       I wasn't exactly saying that toward your comment, but a lot of people do say that.
       I had a dad in the army, so I  get some of the hardness of that life. He was only national guard so we didn't live on a base, and he only had drill once a month, but he did spend 15 months over seas which was kind of hard. I know this is a different story, but it's similar.

        I just feel like I'd be miserable being here at home, while he is off living on some army base not even in the me state. I wouldn't exactly say I'm completely dependent on him, but the majority of my life consist of him. Some may find that pathetic, but you would just have to understand.
        I also don't want to try to make this life here after I graduate, because I know I'll be leaving it when I get married. If I do wait, it'll only be a year or two.
        I also feel that marriage is a once in a lifetime deal, divorce isn't really an option.
    My boyfriend also feels the same. It has to do with our personal and religious beliefs (which I guess coinside?) 
       Either way I'll be moving out when I graduate, even if I just take classes at a local college I'll be renting an apartment with a friend.
       My thought process is not marrying him will just make me unhappy and waste money.
       Im really trying to not jump into anything and be logical, but this is what I gather.

       Thanks for the good wishes though, I'm glad you didn't just roll your eyes and insult me by calling me an ignorant child or something like some people think to do.
       Good luck on your wedding coming up :)   
  • Sammy0709Sammy0709
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    edited December 2011

    DH and I were together in HS and he went to the Navy immediately after.  My family would have had a very negative reaction if we had chosen to get married then.  We waited until I finished college and are now married.  For me, it would have been a mistake to get married immediately after highschool.  Not specifically because I was not mature enough for marriage at the time, although I definitely wasn't, but, because it is very likely I never would have finished college or become the woman I am today.  I changed a lot in the past 5 years and  so has DH.  Like Shan, I probably sound like your mother but, you will change and so will your FI after he attends his training.  I know you are hell bent for leather on being married right after highschool but I highly suggest you attempt a LDR first and give it some time.  It is perfectly fine and you will live without your FI being away from you.  I survived and so have many of the other ladies on this board.

    In reference to you saying your marriage isn't being forced so it will work.  Your mother's marriage likely didn't work because they changed as people, not because they were forced to get married in the begining.  That situation is not irrelevant.  Actually, due to your mother's experience, I would consider her an expert on the subject of young marriages.

    ETA: Consider what you want for your future and your career before you make this big decision.  It is going to be significantly more difficult to finish college if you marry and move now.  If you do decide to go to college, in order to finish your degree, you may end up having to be away from your FI at some point anyway.

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  • edited December 2011
    Is there a way that you can move closer to your BF that way you are less miserable? without marriage? In our case I found it easier to stay near my friends and family while SO was in training and wouldn't be able to see me or hang out. If your BF is going overseas soon- regardless of your martial status you guys will still be apart.
  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
       I'll defiantly be finishing my degree, because it is something important to me. I don't really have any doubts about me not finishing it, because he'll be training a lot and such and my studies will help me keep my mind off of it.
       By the time him and I get married, we will have been together for almost four years, and I think just in the time we've been together we have changed as people, but we have kind of grown together. We've never been happier like we have been before.
  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan
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    edited December 2011
    If you cannot handle separation, then you are not mature enough either for marriage or for being a military wife. 

    Find a job near where he is if you want, rent a room from craigslist. He's going to be a Ranger, he needs to develop bonds with his fellow students by living in the squad bays, barracks, etc., he should be focusing on that, because I promise you, if he makes it through Ranger School, those bonds with his fellow Rangers could be the thing that keeps him alive.

    Not wanting to party or anything in HS doesn't mean you're mature enough to get married. Your brain isn't even done developing until you're 25. If you know you're going to get married anyway, then waiting shouldn't matter. It'll strengthen your commitment to one another, or maybe you'll realize that he's not the one for you. 

    You're going to do what you want, but you're not as mature as you think you are. I wasn't at 19, and I was not a partier. I never did drugs and still haven't, I read a lot, I cared about politics and economics. But I wasn't as mature as I thought I was. 


    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
       He'll be going over seas before I even graduate, and even if we were together I know we would still have to be apart. I know that. That's why when there is a chance for me to be with him, I find it hard to choose against it.
       As for being with friends and family... My family and I don't really see eye to eye. It has nothing to do with my relationship, it's more about our opinions on life and such. As for friends, I live in a small hick town in the south where everyone parties and does other things I don't really care much about. The people I do consider good friends are moving off for college or other reasons. It'll really just be me. Sure, I will have "friends", but there aren't the great friends I'm going to still talk to once I leave and move off.
  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr
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    edited December 2011
    Is your BF just going to Ranger school to get his tab or is he in a Ranger battalion? 
    I'll give you a more complete answer when you answer that.  For now, instead of getting married, I am going to strongly encourage you to go to college.  If you want to be closer to him, find a college near him.  At 20, I married my HS sweetheart.  I thought we would be together forever.  We divorced 6 years and two kids later.  Nearly every couple, especially military, that I know who married right out of HS has divorced.  By the time you are 24, you will be a completely different person. 


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  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    [QUOTE]If you cannot handle separation, then you are not mature enough either for marriage or for being a military wife.  Find a job near where he is if you want, rent a room from craigslist. He's going to be a Ranger, he needs to develop bonds with his fellow students by living in the squad bays, barracks, etc., he should be focusing on that, because I promise you, if he makes it through Ranger School, those bonds with his fellow Rangers could be the thing that keeps him alive. Not wanting to party or anything in HS doesn't mean you're mature enough to get married. Your brain isn't even done developing until you're 25. If you know you're going to get married anyway, then waiting shouldn't matter. It'll strengthen your commitment to one another, or maybe you'll realize that he's not the one for you.  You're going to do what you want, but you're not as mature as you think you are. I wasn't at 19, and I was not a partier. I never did drugs and still haven't, I read a lot, I cared about politics and economics. But I wasn't as mature as I thought I was. 
    Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

    I certainly can handle it. I have before when we were appart for months at a time. My issue is when it's not completely necassary. I'm very supportive and my relationship will not die due to distance, if it's necassary or not. My point is I would be happier. Maybe I've used bad wording, but my point is I would be happier.
    I mean, aren't you happier to be with you FI/ Husband?
  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
    We both have family in the military, or who were at one point- even Rangers. So we somewhat know what to except, and we know we can handle it.

    I know it's different actually living it, but I'm not just completely blind and have no clue what I'm getting myself into.
  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    Is your BF just going to Ranger school to get his tab or is he in a Ranger battalion?  I'll give you a more complete answer when you answer that.  For now, instead of getting married, I am going to strongly encourage you to go to college.  If you want to be closer to him, find a college near him.  At 20, I married my HS sweetheart.  I thought we would be together forever.  We divorced 6 years and two kids later.  Nearly every couple, especially military, that I know who married right out of HS has divorced.  By the time you are 24, you will be a completely different person. 
    Posted by iluvmytxrgr
      The way I understand it is he'd be getting his tab, then we'd get married, then he'd be sent to a battalion. I could be misunderstanding, but I think that's correct.

    This is also a decision to him that our marriage is effeting. If we don't get married, he may not even go active and just stay national gaurd. He doesn't necassarly want to leave me either if he doesn't have too.
  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr
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    edited December 2011
    Going to Ranger School to get a tab and go back to a regular Army unit and being a Ranger are two totally different things.  If he is going to be a Ranger in a Ranger BTN, you are not going to have him much at all.  After you answer my first question, I'll give you more info.


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  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
     Why do you have to be married to be with him when he's around?  Why don't you go away to college so that you're not in your hometown, if you dislike it?  Getting married is not a solution to being lonely, or unsatified with where you are (in locale or in life).  And I get it where you're coming from - boy ever do I get it.  So do many of the ladies I hope you'll hear from - not that much older than you - who figured out the hard way that you are likely going down a path that will not end up where you are convinced it willl.  Good luck with everything. 
    Posted by emmeelou
    Like I said in another reply, if I do go off someone to college it'll be somewhat costly, and I don't really want to waste that money when it's not necassery. And I'm not really sure what you meant by the bolded but we aren't going to live together unless we are married, and if I moved off to a different area all together on my own I don't think that would really help.
  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    Going to Ranger School to get a tab and go back to a regular Army unit and being a Ranger are two totally different things.  If he is going to be a Ranger in a Ranger BTN, you are not going to have him much at all.  After you answer my first question, I'll give you more info.
    Posted by iluvmytxrgr
    I just know what he told me when we were talking about it.. He said he would come back from his deployment, and then go to Ranger school and he would get a tab.
  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school?? : Like I said in another reply, if I do go off someone to college it'll be somewhat costly, and I don't really want to waste that money when it's not necassery. And I'm not really sure what you meant by the bolded but we aren't going to live together unless we are married, and if I moved off to a different area all together on my own I don't think that would really help.
    Posted by miabethj
    Oh sweetie, college is never a waste if you put any effort at all into it. If you live in a different area all on your own, I think in 5-10 years you would be shocked by how much it helps you grow as a person. Being with the person you love is amazing, and it's so much more amazing if you're a complete and independent person, not dependent on someone else for happiness.


    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr
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    edited December 2011
    How in the world was a NG Soldier able to snag a Ranger School slot?  I can not tell you how rare that is.  Does he already have the slot or is he trying to get it?  It is also very rare for a NG Soldier to be able to go from the Guard straight into RGT. 
    Just for S&G's, I'll tell you that if he does get to BTN, training and deployments will take him away from you for more than 30 weeks of every year.  My husband comes home for a week and leaves for a week.  He comes home for a few days and leaves for 2 weeks.  I'm lucky if I get him home for a few hours 3 weeks in a row.  I run this house.  I take care of our 4 kids.  At 19 yrs old, I couldn't have done this.  Hell, at 32 yrs old, I have a tough time every now and then. 
    2 yrs ago, durring a deployment to Afghanistan, my husband was shot and almost died.  When he came home, he had a hole in his back that I could almost stick my fist into.  I had to take care of him.  I had to change the dressings on his wounds.  I had to bathe him, dress him, drive him everywhere, take care of apointments, deal with doctors and other people.  All this on top of taking care of kids and the house.  Don't even get me started on the nightmares that we both had. 
    Don't get married yet.  Be a kid for a while.  Go to school. If he does go active, consider going to school near him.  Just wait a while.  I've held crying 19 yr old wives as they fill out forms at FRG meetings that give instructions in case of a death notification.  Please wait.


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  • Sammy0709Sammy0709
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school?? : Like I said in another reply, if I do go off someone to college it'll be somewhat costly, and I don't really want to waste that money when it's not necassery. And I'm not really sure what you meant by the bolded but we aren't going to live together unless we are married, and if I moved off to a different area all together on my own I don't think that would really help.
    Posted by miabethj
    I don't understand what this means?  It's not necessary to spend money on college?  I thought you were planning on getting a degree anyway.  You will have to spend money on college regardless.  I don't see the difference between going to school where he is, going to school at home, or being married and going to school where he is.
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  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school?? : Oh sweetie, college is never a waste if you put any effort at all into it. If you live in a different area all on your own, I think in 5-10 years you would be shocked by how much it helps you grow as a person. Being with the person you love is amazing, and it's so much more amazing if you're a complete and independent person, not dependent on someone else for happiness.
    Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan
    I would still be going to college, just local, and not somewhere that'll cost me 20,000 a year (well without financial aid and schlorships), I'll for sure have college loans though. Where as community college I can get the same degree, and get my teaching license. Plus, save money.
  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school?? : I don't understand what this means?  It's not necessary to spend money on college?  I thought you were planning on getting a degree anyway.  You will have to spend money on college regardless.  I don't see the difference between going to school where he is, going to school at home, or being married and going to school where he is.
    Posted by Sammy0709
    If I take the leap of just going off somewhere and going to college, It'll be the place I talked about in the previous comment.

    I think if I just followed him and lived near, I would get more negative responses than I would marrying him and living with him!
  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school?? : If I take the leap of just going off somewhere and going to college, It'll be the place I talked about in the previous comment. I think if I just followed him and lived near, I would get more negative responses than I would marrying him and living with him!
    Posted by miabethj
    I don't think so. I think going to school there and living in the dorms or an apartment while y'all continue to date is a much more mature choice than getting married right out of HS. 


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  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    How in the world was a NG Soldier able to snag a Ranger School slot?  I can not tell you how rare that is.  Does he already have the slot or is he trying to get it?  It is also very rare for a NG Soldier to be able to go from the Guard straight into RGT.  Just for S&G's, I'll tell you that if he does get to BTN, training and deployments will take him away from you for more than 30 weeks of every year.  My husband comes home for a week and leaves for a week.  He comes home for a few days and leaves for 2 weeks.  I'm lucky if I get him home for a few hours 3 weeks in a row.  I run this house.  I take care of our 4 kids.  At 19 yrs old, I couldn't have done this.  Hell, at 32 yrs old, I have a tough time every now and then.  2 yrs ago, durring a deployment to Afghanistan, my husband was shot and almost died.  When he came home, he had a hole in his back that I could almost stick my fist into.  I had to take care of him.  I had to change the dressings on his wounds.  I had to bathe him, dress him, drive him everywhere, take care of apointments, deal with doctors and other people.  All this on top of taking care of kids and the house.  Don't even get me started on the nightmares that we both had.  Don't get married yet.  Be a kid for a while.  Go to school. If he does go active, consider going to school near him.  Just wait a while.  I've held crying 19 yr old wives as they fill out forms at FRG meetings that give instructions in case of a death notification.  Please wait.
    Posted by iluvmytxrgr
    When he was down training at Benning, he was offered the slot, but then they realized he was NG and not active, and since he was NG in a different state, they couldn't give it too him. He's planning on going active right before, and he's been told he has a good change of getting it. I know there's the whole aspect of him just "being told" and that doesn't exactly mean he'll get it, but in this hypothetical question we are talking like he is!
  • Sammy0709Sammy0709
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school?? : If I take the leap of just going off somewhere and going to college, It'll be the place I talked about in the previous comment. I think if I just followed him and lived near, I would get more negative responses than I would marrying him and living with him!
    Posted by miabethj
    In my experience, my parents would have been much more comfortable with me moving out there for a while before getting married since the dynamic of LDRs is much different from that of living with a person.  That way, if living together didn't work for us, I wouldn't have a divorce to deal with.  Have you even talked to your family about moving?  You may be suprised at their reactions.
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  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school?? : I would still be going to college, just local, and not somewhere that'll cost me 20,000 a year (well without financial aid and schlorships), I'll for sure have college loans though. Where as community college I can get the same degree, and get my teaching license. Plus, save money.
    Posted by miabethj
    They have community colleges everywhere. I went to community college, and transferred to my university to save money. I got a great education. So go to community college where he is. 

    Also, for all four years of college, I have student loans of less than $13,000. It's possible. My loan payments are $146 a month. Very manageable, and I work for low wages for a non-profit. In fact, based on my income, I qualify for even lower payments. But I'm fine. Go to community college where he is. Grow as just Mia for a while. Then, in the future, when you've had some time on your own, be Mia AND Ranger. But be Mia before you become Wife Mia.
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • edited December 2011
    Please don't get married yet.  Every young bride thinks that they are the exception to the rule, that they are mature enough and independent enough to make it work.

    Graduate HS, go to college, get your degree, start your career.  Grow and mature in your relationship throughout all of this and then get married.

    Your family is not your enemy, they just want what's best for you.  It's not a silly coincidence that other military spouses are giving you the same advice you seem to feel you'd get from your family.
    I don't want to be on MSNBC, yo.
  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan
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    edited December 2011
    http://www.quantico.usmc.mil/sentry/StoryView.aspx?SID=1679

    Read that link too. It's in my siggy, and about Marines, but I think it's a good one to point out anyway.
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school?? : When he was down training at Benning, he was offered the slot, but then they realized he was NG and not active, and since he was NG in a different state, they couldn't give it too him. He's planning on going active right before, and he's been told he has a good change of getting it. I know there's the whole aspect of him just "being told" and that doesn't exactly mean he'll get it, but in this hypothetical question we are talking like he is!
    Posted by miabethj
    Please don't put the cart before the horse.  This more than likely won't happen.  When he goes active, he will go to a regular unit.  He will then either have to contact a Ranger recruiter and hope his unit will let him go or hope when his unit gets a slot for school that he gets it.  Most units will send an NCO over a lower ranking soldier any time they get a slot.  It could be years before he actually got to school. 


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  • miabethjmiabethj
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    edited December 2011
       I actually think our families would grow to the idea haha. even they think we will get married, and I really don't think his family will have a problem with it at all.
        He has a sister that is 20 and engaged, and her wedding is set for next winter. 
    It's not that unusual.
       My mother doesn't really rate marriage that high. Right now she's been in a relationship for eight years, and has no intentions of marriage (they live together). I, would never do that.
       She thinks marriages stupid.
  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Marriage after high school??:
       I actually think our families would grow to the idea haha. even they think we will get married, and I really don't think his family will have a problem with it at all.     He has a sister that is 20 and engaged, and her wedding is set for next winter.  It's not that unusual.    My mother doesn't really rate marriage that high. Right now she's been in a relationship for eight years, and has no intentions of marriage (they live together). I, would never do that.    She thinks marriages stupid.
    Posted by miabethj
    Surprised  Undecided  Frown


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