Military Brides

Are we right to do this??

He has been in the Army for 5 years and we have been together for two of them. Engaged after 1 year. I am super scared to get married though, one i am 19 and two we are only getting married to be with each other since we have never been in the same state. He is at Camp Casey, South Korea now and in 4 months I am suppose to marry him. Out of being together for 2 years we have only seen each other in person for 6 months added up. I still live with my parents and goto school. I don;t even know what I want to do for a living yet. I am still going to school to figure that out and I don't even pay bills yet. 

Re: Are we right to do this??

  • LuluP82LuluP82
    500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Hon, I think you have your answer.

    If you're not ready to be married, forever, then you're not ready. You're very young. You live at home. You've never paid bills. You're not an adult (even though I applaud you for your evident maturity, since you seem to be taking marriage seriously).

    What do your parents think about your wedding plans?

    Marriage is hard work. Marriage to a military man is harder work. Being married is no guarantee you'll get to spend much more time together, anyway-- he could get deployed, he could get sent on an unacompanied abroad tour, etc.

    Too many young military couples get married for all the wrong reasons. You sound like a very level headed and smart girl.
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  • miabethjmiabethj
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
     EDIT(I had major typos):  My story was much like yours, except we've been together in person a lot longer, but I would be the same age. I asked here a few days ago (look at "Marriage after highscool") and everyone told me to not do it. In my head, I had it all planned out too, I wanted it.  You don't.

       Everyone is going to tell you not to do it, including me. If you don't even think you are ready- you defiantly aren't.
  • edited December 2011
    I do not want to lose him though. I love and care about him. I guess what I am trying to figure out is how do keep him without marrying him?
  • edited December 2011
    I also say not to do it. You are VERY young. I got married when I was 20 and 3 years later I got divorced. I honestly did not begin to figure out who I was as a person until I was 24 or 25. I am almost 30 now and some times I still I am not sure if I fully know who I am.
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  • miabethjmiabethj
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Are we right to do this??:
    I do not want to lose him though. I love and care about him. I guess what I am trying to figure out is how do keep him without marrying him?
    Posted by Banns
       If you don't think your relationship can last the distance anymore, or if it doesn't, the relationship is defiantly not meant to me.
       In my situation, our relationship would still last through the distance- I would just rather be with him when possibly. There is no question in my mind that it wouldn't last. If you are asking that question, maybe you should ask yourself if the stress and everything is even worth if your relationship can't live through it all.
  • kara811kara811
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    member
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PPs. Based on your post, you pretty much answered your own question. You are already doubting your relationship in the first place, so you shouldn't even get married. I'm in the same situation as you, my FI has been stationed in Japan for almost 3 years now, we thought about getting married but we didn't because we knew it wasn't the right time yet. We weren't ready for it at the time. We just always have to keep our communication well and we see each other when we can. I even spend weeks or months there to be with him. 

    Being in a LD relationship just takes a lot of work and you have to fully trust each other. If you don't think your relationship can last through the long distance and deployments, then in no way should you even get married. Your second post just seems like you might be needy and dependent on your SO. This wouldn't work well for the military life.Good Luck with everything. Hope you make the right decision. 
  • edited December 2011
    I don't believe that anyone ever FULLY knows who they are. People's personalities are always changing. Your likes and dislikes are always changing. A good friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for four years. They got married, had a baby and now they are separating because of how much they have grown apart.

    My situation is sort of the same.. my fiance is joining the air force and we are getting married pretty much right after he gets done with his tech school. He lives an hour away so we don't always get to see each other and I will admit, I have wondered a few times if I was rushing into (especially when my parents were telling me so) but I know that I want to marry him and be with him for the rest of my life. I am only 18 but I pay for my cell phone bill and credit card bills. The only thing my parents still pay for is my car insurance.

    You other the other hand are not entirely sure. Does he know you don't pay bills, etc? Do you work? If you truely love him and he truely loves you and you believe you're not quite ready for marriage then you can be honest with him and he should understand.
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  • Beachy730Beachy730
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    Jessica, I highly encourage you to wait several years to get married.  If you read the other post about marrying out of high school, you will see many of us older ladies give specific examples of how at ages 18-21 we were all with the guy we thought we wanted to be with for the rest of our lives, and were 100% convinced.  Some of us married that man, some didn't (I didn't), but not one of us is still with them.  It's not a guarantee that getting married at a young age is destined to fail, but you are very young and have a lot of growing and maturing to do before you should be getting married.  I promise you that as old and mature as you think you are, you will look back at yourself in about 5 years and laugh about how young and dumb you were.  And I'm not at all calling you dumb, I'm just telling you exactly how I feel about myself when I look back at my 21 year old self thinking I was with my future husband and how my life was going to be perfect.  Nothing bad can come from waiting, but there are plenty of problems that can come from rushing into it.

    Banns- You definitely should not be getting married yet.  Figure out what you want to do with your life, and finish school for that.  Make a life and a career for yourself before you get married.  Learn the responsibility of paying bills and being independent.  What would happen if you got married and he was deployed a few months later, leaving you to take care of a house, manage all the bills, and go to school at the same time?  I would say there is about a 75% chance that if you got married and moved with him now, you would drop out of college and likely not go back, at least not for several years.  It's not a knock against you at all, its an educated guess based on my experience with military spouses your age.  I see it everyday, and they are all miserable.  Which leads to many divorces. 

    I'm not saying (nor is anyone else posting) that you shouldn't be with your BF or FI (either Banns or Jessica), but I highly discourage anyone from getting married before they are at least 21, and done with school.  I can't tell you how different of a person I am as the person I was at 18, or 21, or even 24 when I met my H.  And I can tell you that at each of those ages I was very mature for my age, and thought I knew exactly what I wanted out of life.  It has changed many times, and I couldn't be happier that I waited until I was 26 and 100% sure that I was with the man I wanted to be with and that I could absolutely handle the military life.
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  • edited December 2011
    There is some amazing advice posted here and I hope the girls who are asking will take everything that's been said into consideration.  I know that when I was 18 and with my high school sweetheart I thought it was forever.  We had even talked about marriage.  He ended up joining the Army and we stayed together for awhile through that, I even visited him while he was at A-school.  But I was going off to college and had to live my own life while he was away which is something neither of us was ready to handle.  Even if you get to live together, there are deployments which separate you and there's a lot more things involved in living that kind of life than you would think. 
    Now, at 24, I still feel like a kid sometimes.  I can't imagine what life would've been like if I had gotten married at 19.  My FI and I have been together for 3 years and several deployments which has tested our relationship in more ways than I care to think about.  Without going through those things, I don't think either of us could know that we are ready to commit to forever (and he is 9 years older than me!).  I'm old enough to know I still have some growing up to do and I assure you that you still do too.  I hope you take the advice that these wonderful women have given to you, a lot of them have a lot more experience than I do. 
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  • edited December 2011
    My days consist of TV, sleep, work, and school, then tons and tons of eating. I really don't go out. I hate going out without him because the only friends I have work at Starbucks or are deployed. One really good friend but she has her own life too. I stay on the webcam probably 24/7 waiting for Stephen to wake up or get back from work.
    I love him so much and hate being apart. I would be happy to spend a week with him but its next to impossible because walmart would fire me. I am more afraid of him breaking more than me, he is the one who doesn't want the long distance anymore. Yeah, I get depressed but I'd rather be depressed all the time than make the wrong decision.
  • LuluP82LuluP82
    500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Are we right to do this??:
    My days consist of TV, sleep, work, and school, then tons and tons of eating. I really don't go out. I hate going out without him because the only friends I have work at Starbucks or are deployed. One really good friend but she has her own life too. I stay on the webcam probably 24/7 waiting for Stephen to wake up or get back from work. I love him so much and hate being apart. I would be happy to spend a week with him but its next to impossible because walmart would fire me. I am more afraid of him breaking more than me, he is the one who doesn't want the long distance anymore. Yeah, I get depressed but I'd rather be depressed all the time than make the wrong decision.
    Posted by Banns
    Um you need to work on yourself, honey. Marrying him isn't the answer. Make some new friends, get a hobby. Marriage is NOT the answer.

    You know how much time you'll spend alone as a military spouse? This past year, I moved away from all of my friends and from my job because H got sent to a different base. He's in a non-deployable unit for now, but there's no guarantee it will stay that way, either. So there's a huge chance that I'll end up alone here where I know NOONE.

    No offense, but you sound extremely needy for a military spouse.

    You ask how you keep him interested-- be an interesting person! Have your own life and interests!
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  • edited December 2011
    Wow, I can't agree more with what PP are saying. I think you may make the biggest mistake of your life if you go through with it. If you think you need to marry your boyfriend so he won't leave you, then there are major issues there. Perhaps some relationship counciling could help. I may be one of the oldest posters on here right now as I am going on 30. When I was your age and decided to get married, I felt the same way. My family and friends ALL tried to talk me out of it, but all I remember saying to my dad, is "yes daddy, I am sure this is what I want". Of couse my whole family supported my decision then, but if I could go back 10 years and change it all, I would. I have never made a bigger mistake in my life than getting married when I was so young. The only thing out of that situation that made it all worth it, is I have a beautiful 8 year old son. Although, now I have to see my ex-husband all the time. I can't help but think when I see him, "what was I thinking". I honestly think you need to take a lot of time and develop who you are as a person before you are ready for marriage. I really hope you will take the advice from some of us that are older and have been through it. Now here I am, going on 30 and signed up for eHarmony where I met my fiance. He has 12 years with the Army and has another 8 years to go. He will be deployed 10 days after our wedding and I KNOW that I can do this and be a strong person for him. I know that he needs me to be strong, because he is going over seas to fight for our country and he needs to focus on his duty there, not be worried about how I am handling things at home. There is no way I could have handled those thing what I was 19 or 20. No way.
    image Photobucket image
    [IMG]http://i850.photobucket.com/albums/ab70/katyj25/Uni8.jpg[/IMG]
    *TTC since 10/09. Last Depo 7/09
    *Me-31 DH-32
    *HSG and all bloodwork 11/11 all clear
    *50 mg Clomid/trigger/IUI #1 2/18/12, 1 scrambled egg @ 28mm, DH 111 mil. post wash! = BFFN :(
    *The wait is finally over! My husband is home! Deployments suck!
    *7-8/12 - surprise BFP! Beta came in at 2, confirmed CP.
    *8-9/12 - 50 mg Clomid/trigger/TI/prog., 1 follie @ 22mm = BFN
    *9/12 - Femara/estradoil/TI = cycle cancelled, poor response
    *10/12 - Femara/Follistim/Trigger/IUI #2 = Triggered, but cancelled IUI and changed to TI due to poor response = BFN
    *12/12 - cancelled and on BCP due to 2 large cysts found
    *1/13 - Follistim/Ovidrel/Progesterone/IUI #2 = BFP!!! EDD 10/16/13
    Beta #1 - 18, progesterone 37.5, Beta #2 - 29, Beta #3 - 27
    FU IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    *2/13 Switched REs and IUI #3 is pending for March.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    My Blog: When things go wrong
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with pp.  Wait.  If you don't think it's right, don't do it.

    I met my fiance a few months before my 20th birthday.  He is six years old than me.  After about a year into dating, he knew that I was the one, and wanted to get married.  I moved out of my parents house shortly after and into a house with two of my friends.  He kept insisting that we get married.  I really felt pressured, but I also felt that I was not ready for that.

    I flat out told him that it wasn't that I couldn't see myself marrying him, or that I never wanted to get married....I just didn't want to get married at that point in my life.  It was really tough for him to understand that at first, but I think he slowly realized, I was 21, just newly living on my own, I needed to figure out stuff by myself before getting married.  I bought a car by myself, paid for rent, am currently paying for school, etc.  Thankfully he waited things out, and I am extremely ready now.

    I know you really love him now, but people change, things happen.  You said it yourself "We are only getting married...to be in the same state."  Tell him that as much as you love him and want to be with him, a marriage shouldn't be based on just that.  Move closer to him when he comes back, live seperately, experience life, and if you make it through that then consider marriage.
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