Help Me Military Wives

whymelove

My Husband is in the Military and we took a break because he was stationed in KS and I lived in NJ still, it was a 3 1/2 month break, in that time he had sex with a fellow solider, and now she is pregnant, She knew he was married and still dated him he stayed in a dorm/building that only married soliders stayed in so she can't use the excuse that she didn't know!  We were planning a big wedding for our families, since we did the court house thing, set for june 2012.  He deploys in November, and he wants me to stay with him and still do the big wedding.  November also makes our one year anniversary! What should I do, im torn and cant figure it out help me please all honest opinions!

Sammy0709

Honest opinion...if he slept with another woman while you were married he is just as much to blame as she is.  I don't know why you are putting all the blame on her.  He knew he was married too.  Maybe what you really need to do is have a talk with him (if you haven't already) and assess your marriage all toghether.  I know ending it is the last thing you probably want to do but are you 100% sure this will never happen again? 
On a side note, are you 100% sure that baby is his?  If she was "seeing" a married man I would question her integrity as much as your husband's. 

Not trying to be mean or the barer of bad new just being honest like you asked.  I am just one of those people that if my husband cheated and I found out I would say, "take anything with  you that you don't want to end up outside our door in the desert."

GracieLou Freebush

Do you want to still be married to him?  If not, don't bother wasting the money and stress on a vow renewal.

If so, you will have a long road ahead of you to rebuild the trust.  Is he willing to go to counseling with you?  Are you willing to go through a deployment questioning his actions?  Don't kid yourself here.

I definitely think the last thing you should be worried about is your vow renewal.  Why did you take a "break" in the first place?  IMO, you're married or you're not.  You don't go sleep around-- life is not a Friends episode.

Your "break" followed by his cheating signals huge issues that you both need to be committed to resolving before you reaffirm your wedding vows to one another.

kyrgyzstan

I don't understand this we took a break thing because we were LD. Distance is a fact of military life, are you going to take a break every single time you're separated? Don't blame the female Soldier. She didn't stand up in a courthouse and make vows to you. YH is the scumbag first and foremost. 

You can put off the divorce if you want, but I wouldn't. He cheated on you once because you were separated. Do you honestly think he won't do it again, while deployed and otherwise?

whymelove

Thanks for the advice the break was brought on by my not wanting to move to Kansas, I do not believe that he will do this again, simply because it is not of his character, I believe that he thought that the break would turn into divorce, and was at a confuse weak point in his life.  I don't blame just her I blame the both of them, they both were wrong, and i reall don't know what i want to do, and thats why i have come to all of you, patially to vent and partialy for advice! all advice welcome

MrsOjoButtons

You've been married less than a year.  It's only going to get more difficult.  Do you really want to live your life knowing he's not being faithful to you?  Do you really want to have visitation and be a step-mom to the baby he created out of wedlock?  Your husband will have to financially support that baby.  Are you prepared to adjust your finances for the next 20 years to support the child that your husband created while he was cheating on you?

I know I couldn't get past that.

whymelove

also is there anyone who has been through something similar or kinda the same.....let me know i could use your advice especially thanx!

MrsOjoButtons

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:3a636fbc-3027-4807-95e3-5eb4e4a40fdf">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice the break was brought on by my not wanting to move to Kansas, I do not believe that he will do this again, simply because it is not of his character, I believe that he thought that the break would turn into divorce, and was at a confuse weak point in his life.  I don't blame just her I blame the both of them, they both were wrong, and i reall don't know what i want to do, and thats why i have come to all of you, patially to vent and partialy for advice! all advice welcome
Posted by whymelove[/QUOTE]

Why would you marry a military member if you're not willing to move?  You had to have known he would move eventually, no? 

GracieLou Freebush

I don't think either of you are committed to making your marriage work.  You wouldn't move with him when you knew fully well that marrying a service member required moving around.  He slept with someone else.  You both need to commit or get a divorce.  Shiit or get off the pot.

Don't kid yourself that he wouldn't do it again.  He did it once already so it obviously IS a part of his character.

Even if he doesn't do it again, he'll deploy and you'll wonder in the back of your mind if he's fooling around.  Your trust is gone.  Some people can get past such a violation of trust but it would require 100% committment from you both which, as I said in my first paragraph, it doesn't sound like either of you are.

Also, this whole section that I copied below is such a cop out.  He's weak, etc. and she's the seductive wh0re.  I think not.

I believe that he thought that the break would turn into divorce, and was at a confuse weak point in his life.

ETA: Ojo makes an excellent point, can you really go through the rest of your life being a step mom to a kid he had while married to you?  I couldn't.

whymelove

I knew that eventually i would, but we had discused it and he said it was okay if i didn't move untill after he re-enlist after this deployment, and then he changed his feelings about it and wanted me to move right away which was emotonally too much for me

iluvmytxrgr

Why in the heck did y'all get married in the first place?  This whole train wreck sounds like a Jerry Springer episode.  No matter if y'all were separated or not, H was still married.  Someone who loves you does not sleep with another person.  I don't care if he was confused.  You're not confused about being married or not.  You are cofused when you forget where you parked your car. 
It obviously is in your H's character to sleep around.  He already did it.  Can you honestly say you will trust him to do the right thing on the other side of the world where you can't check up on him?  There is absolutely no way in hell that I would continue this relationship, much less carry on with a vow renewal. 
You need to get out before things get worse.

Sammy0709

I'm actually curious about this...and...since no one else asked I will.  How long were the two of you together before this marriage took place, how long did you know him, etc.  I think that should also be a part of your decision.

kyrgyzstan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:451b02c0-b484-415b-b629-d1fabbbc6a1f">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]also is there anyone who has been through something similar or kinda the same.....let me know i could use your advice especially thanx!
Posted by whymelove[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes. He cheated again, I wised up, and we got divorced. </div>

danamh83

If you do want to make this marriage work, I suggest planning a counseling session as opposed to a VR. 

Me, personally, cheating is a deal breaker and I couldn't deal with being a SM to a child he had while married to me, especially knowing that he could very well be deployed with that particular female soldier and repeat the same mistake again.

MrsOjoButtons

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:2a48b24e-e6cb-487b-880a-37b2cbe2778d">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm actually curious about this...and...since no one else asked I will.  How long were the two of you together before this marriage took place, how long did you know him, etc.  I think that should also be a part of your decision.
Posted by Sammy0709[/QUOTE]

I don't think that should matter at all!  That's how you end up saying, "But if I leave him, that's 3 years of my life down the drain!" 

If they were together 2 months, at least she found out sooner rather than later.
If they were together 10 years, she should be even more angry that he had the effing balls to cheat on her after all that time.

iluvmytxrgr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:d0168725-341f-40bf-8a72-95784e2804fc">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]I knew that eventually i would, but we had discused it and he said it was okay if i didn't move untill after he re-enlist after this deployment, and then he changed his feelings about it and wanted me to move right away which was emotonally too much for me
Posted by whymelove[/QUOTE]
Wait.  Moving to live with your HUSBAND was emotionally too much for you?  Get a divorce.  Neither of you are mature enough to be married. 

DowagerCountessofNJ

1.) You seem to be blaming the other woman more than your husband.  While yes, if she did know that he was married she should have stayed far far away from him the blame and responsibility is not just hers.  He IS married and should have kept his pants on.  They both should have if for nothing else than the sake of their careers.  Infidelity is a big deal in the military.

2.) I'd call the whole thing off.  Get a divorce, work on yourself for a while and if you find someone make sure they respect you.  Don't worry what other people think about your choices.  Do what's best for you.  You'll only subject yourself to more of these episodes if you stay with the idiot.  Besides, do you plan on raising this child with your husband and his mistress??

Sammy0709

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:ef18b50c-15c9-4de0-a4a1-2867c4ddd406">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help Me Military Wives : I don't think that should matter at all!  That's how you end up saying, "But if I leave him, that's 3 years of my life down the drain!"  If they were together 2 months, at least she found out sooner rather than later. If they were together 10 years, she should be even more angry that he had the effing balls to cheat on her after all that time.
Posted by MrsOjoButtons[/QUOTE]

In all reality I just wanted to know the answer to this question.  I don't really think it matters either but aparently it matters to her...I care too much about other people's feelings.

Smudges*Mom

Neither of you sound committed to your marriage. Get out now.

whymelove

i almost feel attacked, by some of you! We met in college so i have known him for almost 8 years, he was my bff, we only were dating 6 mos. before we got married, but i was ok with the short courtship since i had know him and was bff with him since i was 18, he is genuinely a good person, and i don't want to loose that with men being the way they are now a days!  I also think all of u are under the impression that i am blaming the gurl, but i only added the info about the girl in my original post because i figured ppl would want to know wether she even knew about me or if she was blind sided!  I believe they both are wrong and should recieve article 15's if u ask me, but I really do feel like he would never do this again , because again he was my bff and i did know him while dating other women, and he was never a cheater even at our young ages as freshmen and so forth so on!  I think we were both immature when we decided to get married, but marriage is supposed to be forever trough the good and bad. The reason whey it was too much emotionaly to move was because my mom was sick from a cancer realated surgery a few mos. before getting engaged, and i was emotonally attached to being near her, even though she had recoverd after the horrible ordeal she had gone through, so judging me for not moving with my husband i believe is a little harsh, i was only 24 at the time and felt like i was being pulled in too many directions,  And yes ppl say we were immature but i believe that leaving to fight a war is scary and you want to make moves and get to do things that u might never have the chance to do, if you don't make it back home, and since he is my soulmate we decided to get married because god forbid he doesn't make it back we would both know that He died knowing he was married to his bestfriend! 

GracieLou Freebush

I would never treat my best friend the way he has treated you. 

It sounds like you've made up your mind and are willing to look past his cheating and his future child because he's a "genuinely good person" and your "bff!"

You specifically asked for honest opinions.  We told you he's a cheating jerk.

You specifically asked "what should I do?"  We gave you things to consider so you can make this decision on your own.  Can you live with being the step mom of his future child?  Can you live with the uncertainty of whether or not he'll cheat on you again?  Can you live with moving around as a committed military spouse?

kyrgyzstan

A) You don't want to lose a guy who had sex with another woman sans protection and will now have a child because other guys are worse?

Article 15s, really?

C) Being 24 is not an excuse for any of this.

D) Getting married so that he would die knowing he was married to his bestie is a really strange reason to get married. 

GracieLou Freebush

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:e9bfc055-abb9-4543-8265-e8eb46c934d0">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE] The reason whey it was too much emotionaly to move was because my mom was sick from a cancer realated surgery a few mos. before getting engaged, and i was emotonally attached to being near her, even though she had recoverd after the horrible ordeal she had gone through, so judging me for not moving with my husband i believe is a little harsh, i was only 24 at the time and felt like i was being pulled in too many directions, 
Posted by whymelove[/QUOTE]

This still doesn't explain why you needed to take a "break" from your marriage.  I could understand staying behind to spend time with your mom but I do not understand why this would mean you take a "break" from your marriage. 

It suggests to me that you had issues in your marriage before he cheated which would further my hesitation for you to reconcile with him.

iluvmytxrgr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:629be2f6-a871-4c5e-98dc-28f5e67d0084">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]A) You don't want to lose a guy who had sex with another woman sans protection and will now have a child because other guys are worse? B) Article 15s, really? C) Being 24 is not an excuse for any of this. D) Getting married so that he would die knowing he was married to his bestie is a really strange reason to get married. 
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

Agreed!   I also don't understand the need to take a break from your marriage because you didn't want to leave your ill mother yet.  I could see staying back to be with her a little longer.  I can not see putting a hold on your relationship to the point that your H thought a divorce was next.  That makes no sense. 

If you are set on trying to make this work, y'all have a lot of work ahead of you.  You both need to get into couseling, together and separate. 
Your H needs to request a paternity test.  If he is the father, you need to prepare yourself to have a hand in raising a baby that he fathered when he had unprotective sex with another woman outside of your marriage.  If you can't do that, you have two options.  You either need to leave or your H needs to consider signing away his parental rights to the child.  I'm not trying to be mean when I say that.  Y'all need to put that child first above EVERYTHING ELSE. 

LuluP82

I agree with the other girls-- neither of you sound mature enough to be married.  I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you two need to work on your communication and figure out what's important in your life.

He sounds like  a gem, honestly (sarcasm). Not only did he cheat on his wife and knock up a coworker, but he also did so because his wife couldn't move to be with him because she was taking care of her mother, who has cancer. Wow.

MrsOjoButtons

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:e9bfc055-abb9-4543-8265-e8eb46c934d0">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]i almost feel attacked, by some of you! We met in college so i have known him for almost 8 years, he was my bff, we only were dating 6 mos. before we got married, but i was ok with the short courtship since i had know him and was bff with him since i was 18, he is genuinely a good person, and i don't want to loose that with men being the way they are now a days!  I also think all of u are under the impression that i am blaming the gurl, but i only added the info about the girl in my original post because i figured ppl would want to know wether she even knew about me or if she was blind sided!  I believe they both are wrong and should recieve article 15's if u ask me, but I really do feel like he would never do this again , because again he was my bff and i did know him while dating other women, and he was never a cheater even at our young ages as freshmen and so forth so on!  I think we were both immature when we decided to get married, but marriage is supposed to be forever trough the good and bad. The reason whey it was too much emotionaly to move was because my mom was sick from a cancer realated surgery a few mos. before getting engaged, and i was emotonally attached to being near her, even though she had recoverd after the horrible ordeal she had gone through, so judging me for not moving with my husband i believe is a little harsh, i was only 24 at the time and felt like i was being pulled in too many directions,  And yes ppl say we were immature but i believe that leaving to fight a war is scary and you want to make moves and get to do things that u might never have the chance to do, if you don't make it back home, and since he is my soulmate we decided to get married because god forbid he doesn't make it back we would both know that He died knowing he was married to his bestfriend! 
Posted by whymelove[/QUOTE]

Really?  You went to college?  Get a refund.

Why did you capitalize "He"?  Are you married to Jesus now?

And no, he's not your 'soulmate' if he's sleeping with other people. 

If you felt like you were being pulled in too many directions, you shouldn't have gotten married.  You're making poor choices and you don't recognize it.  Honestly, you sound like you're 21, not 26.  There's too much nonsense in your post for me to even address all of it.  Who the eff spells "girl" as "gurl" in everyday conversation?

whymelove

Mrs.Ojobuttons, or whatever it is! u are completely hilarious, and perhaps miserable.  This is a wedding board not English 101 I almost didn't respond to your juvenile attack on the grammar i used on a leisure wedding board.  This isn't an essay, focus on what was being asked of you. I went to a well known H.B.C.U. in our nations capitol and trust you or me that no refund is necessary!  I also will not be correcting my grammar in this essay, i mean blog either, lol!  Pull your undies out of ur behind, and lighten up!  I obviously know that something is wrong with this situation, and wanted advice, not attitudes, but thank you anyway!

danamh83

Umm do you realize that your post is full of attitude?  Any GROWN woman knows that written communication is important.  You need to pull your head out of your behind and get your priorities in order.  Your husband cheated on you once.  You're crazy to open yourself up for more heartache.  For the life of me I can't understand why you seem completely ok with that and also raising YH's love child.  You sound nuttier than a fruitcake to me.  This is also a PUBLIC forum and ppl are free to post their opinon, which is what YOU came here to ask for.

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:e9bfc055-abb9-4543-8265-e8eb46c934d0">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]i almost feel attacked, by some of you! We met in college so i have known him for almost 8 years, he was my bff, <strong>we only were dating 6 mos. before we got married</strong>, but i was ok with the short courtship since i had know him and was bff with him since i was 18,<strong> he is genuinely a good person</strong>, and i don't want to loose that with men being the way they are now a days!  I also think all of u are under the impression that i am <strong>blaming the gurl</strong>, but i only added the info about the girl in my original post because i figured ppl would want to know wether she even knew about me or if she was blind sided!  I believe they both are wrong and should recieve article 15's if u ask me, but I really do feel like he would never do this again , because again he was my bff and<strong> i did know him while dating other women, and he was never a cheater</strong> even at our young ages as freshmen and so forth so on!  I think we were both immature when we decided to get married, but marriage is supposed to be forever trough the good and bad. The reason whey it was too much emotionaly to move was because my mom was sick from a cancer realated surgery a few mos. before getting engaged, and i was emotonally attached to being near her, even though she had recoverd after the horrible ordeal she had gone through, so judging me for not moving with my husband i believe is a little harsh, i was only 24 at the time and felt like i was being pulled in too many directions,  And yes ppl say we were immature but i believe that leaving to fight a war is scary and you want to make moves and get to do things that u might never have the chance to do, if you don't make it back home, and since he is my soulmate we decided to get married because god forbid he doesn't make it back we would both know that He died knowing he was married to his bestfriend! 
Posted by whymelove[/QUOTE]

Okay, hun. I really hope you'll take what I'm saying to heart. I'm not attacking you, I just think you have major blinders on. I bolded all the stuff that stuck out to me the most.

1). Dating someone and being friends with them isn't the same thing. Just because he never cheated on anyone else, honestly, doesn't make it better. It almost makes it worse. If someone loves you, truly loves you, and wants to make a real life with you...they don't cheat. Period. People cheat when there's something wrong with their current relationship. People who always cheat, when they're with the right person, don't cheat. People who've never cheated, if they're with the wrong person, cheat.

2). This is why it's advisable to actually date someone for awhile before marrying them. Knowing someone as a "bff" isn't the same as being their partner. You deal differently with friends and you have different expectations of them.

3). You do seem to be blaming the girl more than your H. You said in your original post that she had no excuse, since he was living in married barracks. Um hello? She doesn't need an excuse. She isn't the one who's married. He is the one who's married, and he's the one who f-d up. Period.

4). I'm okay with the fact you didn't move with him considering your mother was very ill. Especially since it doesn't seem like it was a PCS. HOWEVER...to me it makes it 100,000,000 times worse that he would cheat on you because you were taking care of your sick mother. Seriously, how messed up is that?

5). Quite frankly, I'm not sure why you are afraid of losing someone who cheated on you and knocked up some girl while you were taking care of your sick mother. I'm offended by your statement that you should stay with a cheater bc men today suck. Mine certainly doesn't. Neither does my brother, most of my friends, or my father.

6). It's your decision if you want to stay with him. You obviously want to. But you need to go to counseling, and figure out your priorities. And I honestly don't think we have the full story here. A marriage doesn't go "on a break" because someone had to move away due to military obligations and the other spouse had to care for a sick relative. Seriously.

7). My mother likes to say-- it's better to be alone than in bad company. This guy sounds like bad company to me. Seriously, if my mom was recovering from cancer and I was caring for her and my husband decided to go knock some other girl up because I didn't move with him so I could care for my mother...I wouldn't be here asking for vow renewal advice. I'd probably be serving time for killing him. Or in divorce court.

iluvmytxrgr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:8713ce5b-7d8c-4307-ada5-3fbc3d42d998">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]Mrs.Ojobuttons, or whatever it is! u are completely hilarious, and perhaps miserable.  This is a wedding board not English 101 I almost didn't respond to your juvenile attack on the grammar i used on a leisure wedding board.  This isn't an essay, focus on what was being asked of you. I went to a well known H.B.C.U. in our nations capitol and trust you or me that no refund is necessary!  I also will not be correcting my grammar in this essay, i mean blog either, lol!  Pull your undies out of ur behind, and lighten up!  I obviously know that something is wrong with this situation, and wanted advice, not attitudes, but thank you anyway!
Posted by whymelove[/QUOTE]
You seriously have me wanting to bang my head on a damn wall.  Don't come onto a public message board (not a blog) asking for opinions and advice if you are not willing to get answers that you don't like.  We aren't here to hold your sweet little hand while we blow rainbows up your ass and tell you everything will be ok.   You have been given constructive advice.
BTW, your incorrect grammer is not only disrespectful to the people you are asking to give you advice, it also shows your lack of self worth.  That is further proven by your willingness to stay with a man who loves you enough to get another woman pregnant while his wife cares for her ill mother. 
Oh look at that.  My community college education is shining through.

MrsOjoButtons

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:8713ce5b-7d8c-4307-ada5-3fbc3d42d998">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE] perhaps miserable. [/QUOTE]
Reading an 8th grader's penmanship has the tendency to do that to me.

Your post got so ridiculous I'm not even sure what advice you were looking for.  You seem to be defensive about what everyone is saying, so go on, keep pretending your husband made a one time error and that you two will go on living like it never happened.  Good luck.