Military Brides

JOP pre wedding and then later church wedding (XP in NC also)

My daughter's fiance is army and they are in NC.  She says everyone gets married there by a JOP and then has a church wedding at a later time. I say that if she is married by a JOP, then she is married and doesn't get a church wedding. She can have a vow renewal but no white dress. Please help me

Re: JOP pre wedding and then later church wedding (XP in NC also)

  • I think that you are correct in your thoughts. Legally you're already married when you do a JOP so there's no reason to have a PPD (pretty princess day) just for kicks later on. Sure, a vow renewal is perfectly fine, but if she really wants to have that PPD then she should just wait until it is within her and her fiance's financial means and get married at a later date. It's a lot less stressful since you're only planning one event as opposed to planning two seperate ones.

  • I agree with you. She is incorrect thinking that's what everyone does.
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  • She could have a blessing later, sure, but no its not a wedding. You are correct in that. Unfortunately, many in the military seem to do this because it's "easier" than waiting to plan everything at once. You will find though that most of the people on this board were able to make it work and planned around deployments, trainings, schedules etc. 
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  • I'm not condoning it and I usually stay far away from this conversation/topic.  In my last 6 years in the military I attended 4 vow renewals that were done as weddings.  Everyone knew they were married pre-deployment, and the turnout at all 4 was huge.  Again, not condoning, but I couldn't count the times I knew of this happening. It is something I just don't get wrapped around the axe handle about.
    GloriamGraham
  • In Response to Re: JOP pre wedding and then later church wedding (XP in NC also):
    I'm not condoning it and I usually stay far away from this conversation/topic.  In my last 6 years in the military I attended 4 vow renewals that were done as weddings.  Everyone knew they were married pre-deployment, and the turnout at all 4 was huge.  Again, not condoning, but I couldn't count the times I knew of this happening. It is something I just don't get wrapped around the axe handle about.
    Posted by kmmssg
    This is the only part most of us care about. As long as people know I don't care what you do. I just don't like when people act like they "deserve" the "real" wedding. You're married and want to have a big party? cool. But don't act like the actual wedding didn't count because it didn't  have the big party with it. 
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  • TheVirginiansTheVirginians
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    member
    edited September 2012
    In Response to Re: JOP pre wedding and then later church wedding (XP in NC also):
    I think that you are correct in your thoughts. Legally you're already married when you do a JOP so there's no reason to have a PPD (pretty princess day) just for kicks later on. Sure, a vow renewal is perfectly fine, but if she really wants to have that PPD then she should just wait until it is within her and her fiance's financial means and get married at a later date. It's a lot less stressful since you're only planning one event as opposed to planning two seperate ones.
    Posted by Zeldakins
    Forgot to mention that we are payiing for 90% of the PPD and have made deposits on the venue and the church in our hometown in VA. My husband and I are pretty traditional. No dress selections yet.  We would pay for the vow renewal party also.
  • OP--Is there any legitimate reason why your daughter and her FI can't wait until the day that is already being planned (he's deploying, can't get leave)? If that's the case, do you have military clauses in your contracts or are you far enough out that you can transfer to another date without losing money?

    Or is it just that she's already planning the wedding, but getting impatient and wants to get married for some other reason and just thinks it's okay because he's in the military? If it's the first reason(s), I maybe can see doing it. As long as they're up front with everyone. It's nothing I would ever do, and I think it would be perfectly fine to plan around (and planning while he's gone is an excellent displacement activity), but I could understand it more. 

    The way her/your situation is reading to me, though, is that she's just sick of waiting to get married to him and wants to go ahead and do it and then just plan the PPD. And that rubs me the wrong way. It just doesn't seem like there's any need for it. Especially since OP and your husband are paying for the wedding anyway. That just seems silly and impetuous, and I don't see any reason that waiting a few more months to have a wedding is that big a deal. Can you move the date up? Have a smaller wedding to accommodate that? I feel like in a situation like that, she's using the military and the whole "everybody does it" thing as an excuse. Most people in the military that do something like this do it to live together, or because of a deployment, or because they need/want benefits, or to use the extra pay to pay for the PPD. It just doesn't seem, from what you've said, like your daughter has any reason other than not wanting to wait until the PPD she's planning. 

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  • TheVirginiansTheVirginians
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    member
    edited September 2012
    Divine,

    Fiance is in the Mediterranean right now and she is worried about him with the recent uprising near there. She would prefer to be next of kin if anything happens to him, which is why she is talking about marrying before our May 2013 planned date. We can probably transfer to another date if they want to do that. Good idea! I'll ask her.

    She has not made any wedding plans, other than to secure the church and venue. Her displacement activity is working 50 hours per week. Her excuse is that he is military.

    Oh yes, silly and impetuous! Yes, it is an excuse and they would benefit by extra pay and benefits. Yes, not wanting to wait, but also, really, truly aftaid with him gone right now.

    Good idea about moving it up. I'll ask her. Thank you all.
  • Ok, but he's over there now, correct? So, once he's home and they're able to have their wedding, why rush it and then do a PPD? Do he and she know for a fact that he's going to be sent right back out? It's not like he can come home from the Med  just to get married and go back and everything's going to be fine. It sounds like there's little reason to move things around, as he is already deployed. He can put her on paperwork now, I don't know if he can do it while he's over there, but I know it can be done. I know she's probably very nervous, my FI will probably deploy within the year and given recent events I have become much more wary of that than I was even a few months ago. The situation you're describing just doesn't seem necessary. Obviously, you and she are going to do what you want, but since he's already away I don't see how this would work.  

    He can list her as next of kin right now (if they have a JAG available where he is), I'm taken care of by my FI if something should happen, I'll be the first to know. I'll receive everything except his body. I know it's morbid, but that's something that can be taken care of even without them being married. I guess I still don't get it. They can't get married until he gets back from wherever he is, and if you're planning for May 2013 it seems unlikely he'd be back before then and then gone again and then back again in time for a May wedding in that time period. 

    I think if she wants to just move the whole deal up to when he gets back, that sounds like the best idea. Keep in mind, though, that deployment dates can change, so you don't want to plan it for, say, the day after he's supposed to get back and then have him not be home yet. 
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  • Devine, you have such good ideas. Thank you. I will ask her about next of kin arrangements for when he is here.  Also, I'll ask her if they want to move up the date. His group comes and goes sort of randomly (to me it is random, but I do not know what he does).  Hmmmm.
  • I got engaged and 6 days later he came home with orders as a convoy detail commander to afghanistan with the air force.  we went and eloped and the jop the next day since I would need power of attourney for so much stuff.  We are catholic and the church does not recognize our marriage so to them we still need to have an actual wedding.  we were planning on doing a blesssing/renewing our vows in the church with all the family there on our anniversary with a simple back yard reception, but the preist said that in the catholic church it is not just a renewal of the vows since in their eyes we are not married.  we are also not allowed to take communion until we do the catholic ceremony.  because of this we are treating it like a wedding not a renewal of the vows, and still having the simple back yard reception.  (also half of our family will not recognize our marriage since they are very old fashioned catholics)  you should talk to the church that she is planning on having the ceremony in since each religion has different rules concerning renewal of the vows vs wedding after JOP.   I do think that if you are already married then you should not expect the bridal shower or a large bridal party and all the other over the top things of a huge to-do wedding, but a small reception and blessing ceremony seems fine to me. :)
  • You don't need to be married to have POAs or to be listed as a beneficiary.  Before we were married, H listed me on all of his paperwork to recieve his death benefits, life insurance payouts and to make choices as far as his funeral.  I also had POAs for everything under the sun.  The only thing he couldn't do is allow me to receive his body.  The "He wants me to be taken care of"  and " I need to be able to make decisions" excuses really are just excuses and are not legitimate reasons at all.  


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  • Luv, will talk to DD this weekend about POA and army's next of kin from JAG office. Thank you.
  • In Response to Re: JOP pre wedding and then later church wedding (XP in NC also):
    She could have a blessing later, sure, but no its not a wedding. You are correct in that. Unfortunately, many in the military seem to do this because it's "easier" than waiting to plan everything at once. You will find though that most of the people on this board were able to make it work and planned around deployments, trainings, schedules etc. 
    Posted by ggirl2001
    Actually, a lot of people in the military do this because we actually are busy and have things to do other than spend all our time wedding planning and talking about how horrible people are who have a JOP then have a ceremony later on.  Most people on this board only made it work because most people on this board aren't actually in the military, just marrying someone who happens to be in the military.

    Being in the military and trying to plan for anything at all isn't "easy."  A lot of DUAL military couples do this because they want that experience (just like all of you), but are stationed separately, have opposing deployment schedules, can't get the same leave dates and things like that.   For example, a lot of people in the Navy do this because we have a lot of rules about getting/being married which makes having/planning a wedding extremely difficult.

    "Unfortunately?"  Really?  Is it somehow affecting you if people do this?  Why is it so unfortunate for people  to want to get the same experience you feel so entitled to but have the career that they want that happens to require much more time/sacrifice and doesn't allow all the wedding planning time in the world?  People shouldn't have the wedding of their dreams because you're close-minded and have deemed it's not a real wedding because they signed a piece of paper on a different day?

    Sorry to go off on you, but you (all) are being so negative towards others when in reality most of you don't have a clue as to how these things work for us in the military.  Try to see it from someone else's point of view before you judge them so much.  
    JudgeUSMC
  • kang - I think your post was VERY judgemental.  There are plenty of women on these boards who are in the military, and many of the civilian women on these boards have incredibly busy jobs and lives.  These women have a clue.

    Remember - I am one who doesn't get too wrapped around the axe handle about this and have attended 4 such weddings.  I just think you are accusing people of the things you are doing in your post.
  • Kmmssg- It's not being judgemental when it's an observation.  I understand why people don't approve of this kind of wedding, but at the same time, any time this subject is brought up on here most of the people who comment only say negative things about the people who do this.  A lot of people assume they're only after money or whatever, which a lot of the time isn't the case.  They don't take in others circumstances and assume they're terrible people.  I've been to several weddings where the couple had a JOP and then a ceremony at a later date as well.  It doesn't automatically make them terrible people or the ceremony any less of a wedding.  If they want to count it as their wedding, why is it any of your (a general "your") business or place to criticize them for it?  If you don't like it, don't do it yourself.  Plain and simple. 

    Most who comment on it also come off as rather snobbish and pretentious.  Just because you didn't have a JOP and a separate ceremony doesn't make you somehow better than those who do. OSMWs in the making...  I wasn't being judgemental, I just wanted to see why everyone felt like they were somehow better for not having a wedding like that and why it's somehow so wrong of those who do for counting their wedding as their wedding.  

    GloriamGraham
  • I just read this and WOW, I am mil to mil and KANGJISOOK has got it all right in my opinion, we planned to do the wedding the traditional way but my fiance at the time got orders so we had to postpone the wedding but we wanted to be married anways so we did JOP. Then we re-planned the ceremony and now we both have orders to Korea. So by the time we would be able to have our ceremony it would be 2 years after our Marriage date. But we both want to have the ceremony still, not for money or gifts but as an act of joining our families, we never got to joing our families, our families have never even met due to our deployments. We do not have the time to meet everyone and for everyone to meet us from both families, and I feel that just becuase I had to move my date twice due to deployments why should I have to sacrifice my dream wedding. I already have my wedding dress and had everything booked twice now and had to cancel due to deployments. I dont want to give up my dream wedding when I already sacrifice so much being in the military.

    GloriamGraham
  • Do people read? No one said she can't do it. We said its not a wedding because she is married but you can certainly have a party and have a vow renewal with the party. Heck, wear your dress if you want. Some people will side eye it and some won't. 
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