need to vent about bachelor parties

ggirl2001

Ok, just a quick vent here about planning the bachelor party. So we're having a destination wedding in florida next year. I will be planning most of it myself since my fiance will be on a west pac tour. He gets back a few months before the wedding. His brother is all concerned about when the bachelor party will be here because my fiance doesn't live up North anymore, and I asked that they don't do it the week of the wedding while in florida. Mainly because I feel that my fiance should be with me entertaining the family that comes down and getting  a marriage license with me etc.  Also, due to logistics, my dad wants to help me move down south a week before the wedding as well (i know alot, but that I can handle). So i suggested just doing it back up North, my fiance can come up one weekend, and they people that care will make every attempt to make it no matter what.My other reasoning is that he would make it harder for his long time friends from high school to make it to florida as they might not be able to get time off (not all of them have jobs that offer PTO or anything). My question is, am I being too unreasonable by asking that it's not the week or few days before the wedding. Sorry, but I am venting about this, because at times I feel like a b*tch about it, and then other times I think what I'm asking is not unreasonable. \

ScissortailFlycatcher

I don't think that's unreasonable.  What does your FI want to do?

ggirl2001

He will do what I ask, he doesn't agree with it, but he does see my point of view, however his younger brother who is planning the party is the one who got me riled up today. He had a post on facebook (stupid facebook seriously) about how he is going to manage to plan it since it can't be in Florida. Keep in mind this wedding is next year august, so it's not like it needs to be planned now, it can be planned in about a month if need be. so i asked FI why he was worried about it now, and he responded back about how they can't do it in Florida. It frustrates me because I have seen both my brothers plan bachelor parties for friends out of town, and for friends in town etc, and nobody has a hard time just picking a date a few months before. I understand that the time frame is tough, but in reality, you just need a few months notice and it can work. Or as I suggested, his brothers and close friends from here can do a road trip to SC to do it in July. I just don't see it as that big of a deal. Maybe it's my perception of  it because I'm planning a wedding from a separate state and they're worried about planning the bachelor party hahaha.. oh and it could also be that I'm upset that photographer I wanted apparently takes the whole month of august off.. so I had that happen and the bachelor party stuff happen right away haha

kara811

Hi there! My FI and I discussed this not too long ago. Our wedding is here in Vegas, so yes it's a perfect place for a bachelor party. BUT he doesn't get here until a couple days before the wedding, so I had asked him that I would rather not have him and his guys do his bachelor's party right before the wedding. I don't want a hungover groom and groomsmen the day of our wedding, and would just rather entertain all the family that are coming from out of town. So I totally get your point. My FI thinks this way too and he said, that they'll probably just end up doing it this Christmas when he comes home. To answer your question, no you are not being unreasonable. You have good points. Your wedding is still so far away. I'm sure that if all those guy friends and families really wanted to throw your FI a bachelor's party then they will find a way to do. It doesn't take that long at all for them to all pick out a date that works well for everybody, especially since it's still months away. But I hope things work out well for you! And that you find another photographer!

meltoine

I don't really understand your objection. As long as they weren't planning to do it the night before the wedding, I'd have no problem with them doing it sometime the week before. It could be fun to have one last chance to relax with just the family you grew up in. I'd take it as an opportunity to have a "date night" with your dad since he'll be helping you move. 

You'll have plenty of time to entertain family together and get a marriage license. The license seriously takes about 30 minutes, and you can't do that at night anyway - and I assume they're not throwing him a bachelor party at 2 in the afternoon. 

Beachy730

What type of party are the planning?  I see you are from upstate NY which is where I'm originally from, and huge stag parties are the norm there.  So I'm wondering if you are talking about a big stag party where theres raffles and strippers and stuff, or just a guys night out type thing.

H had the big stag party, and its what his friends were most excited about planning since he was the first of his friends to get married.  I told them that I really didn't care what they planned, but they were not to plan it the week of the wedding.  It ended up being about a month before.  It was just too big of a party and H had too much focus on that, and I didn't want that going on the week of the wedding.  I think you are fine to request that its not that week, but also with everyone living in different areas you might have to find some common ground.  If you are going to be in Florida a full week before the wedding maybe they can do it when you first get there.  Or they go early for the party.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_need-vent-bachelor-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:c051bbdc-8910-47c9-b0fe-43e880b47a87Post:744bb26b-0a62-45dd-bfa5-5950dc0c52b9">Re: need to vent about bachelor parties</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't really understand your objection. As long as they weren't planning to do it the night before the wedding, I'd have no problem with them doing it sometime the week before. It could be fun to have one last chance to relax with just the family you grew up in. I'd take it as an opportunity to have a "date night" with your dad since he'll be helping you move.  You'll have plenty of time to entertain family together and get a marriage license. The license seriously takes about 30 minutes, and you can't do that at night anyway - and I assume they're not throwing him a bachelor party at 2 in the afternoon. 
Posted by meltoine[/QUOTE]
It won't just be my chance to relax with my family since his family will be down there as well, so I would be entertaining both families. And as another poster stated, it would be a huge event since where I'm from bachelor parties usually are. THe other concern is planning it. Our rehearsal dinner is not going to be the day before the wedding, but a few days before, so I am not sure how they could plan it to get everyone down there that they want to be there as I am pretty confident that some of his friends from home can't get that much time off. I just think it would be easier to do it sometime in July, a month before the wedding and figure out with the other guys what works best for them as well. Oh and the part that is with helping me move, my fiance has to be able to help as well since my dad can't lift most of the furniture anymore so I would need him there to help with that... I know it's not a big deal overall, but I just think there could be a better time for it than the week before.

Beachy730

GGirl I thnk you should sit down with your FI and try to find a compromise.  Maybe suggest that if they do it in Florida that week they do something small, such as the guys going out for just a guys night, maybe a baseball game, something like that.  If they want the big huge party thats typical then it needs to be in NY.  If your FI's party is anything like my H's was, you will want it over with before the week of the wedding.  H didn't have anything to do with the planning but his GM were calling him all week asking questions and making plans for later that night and just trying to get everything hammered out.  Its too big of an even to be the week of the wedding, IMO.  I think anything the week of should be a smaller event. 

ggirl2001

Well we just talked, he is going to respect what I ask. I'm sure he's not too happy with it, but he does understand where I'm coming from so that works.. i know it will work out in the end.. I guess maybe I'm confused why is brother is so worried about now anyway haha? I asked my fi about that and his response "maybe i'm just fresh on his mind" hahaha...

Beachy730

We got engaged in November, and weren't planning on getting married until New Years Eve this year.  H's friends literally started talking about his stag party the day we got engaged, before we had anything planned or booked, and before he picked his GM.  In February when we had to change our date to July they went crazy planning.  Its the thing guys look forward to the most for weddings.  Honestly, H will never admit it but I know he looked forward to the stag more than the wedding.  At least until the stag was over.  I'm glad your FI agreed to what you asked.  Remember that when another issue comes up with the stag! 

Gismo123

If he's only doing it because he wants to make "You" happy don't you think that's a little selfish on your part?  Who cares if he goes out the week you get married as long as it isn't the night before.  I doubt most of your family is going to be up partying it up past midnight.....most bachlore/bachlorette parties happen at "night"  Let him have his fun with his friends and stop trying to call all the shots.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_need-vent-bachelor-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:c051bbdc-8910-47c9-b0fe-43e880b47a87Post:b898377a-ec07-4f20-94c6-d1b5707773ee">Re: need to vent about bachelor parties</a>:
[QUOTE]If he's only doing it because he wants to make "You" happy don't you think that's a little selfish on your part?  Who cares if he goes out the week you get married as long as it isn't the night before.  I doubt most of your family is going to be up partying it up past midnight.....most bachlore/bachlorette parties happen at "night"  Let him have his fun with his friends and stop trying to call all the shots.
Posted by Gismo123[/QUOTE]
Actually, my family and his family will both be up past midnight pretty much all the nights leading up to the wedding, thats the way both our families are..  I am not trying to call all the shots.. the only thing I asked is to not have it the week of when both our families will be arriving to Florida on different days and different times depending when they can get down there. And the reason he's doing it to make "me"(and that's in quotes because the "you" is quoted) happy is because knows I don't ask for much when it comes to things like this so he is willing to accomdate when I do ask for it..

meltoine

Maybe it's just me, but I think you can handle "entertaining" all of the family for one night to let your FI have a proper bachelor party. And in reality, these are grown people you're talking about - they can entertain themselves also. I know if I were traveling that far to attend a wedding and planned on being there for more than 2 days I'd want some time where there's nothing scheduled and no obligations so I could maybe see the sights or spend some quieter time with a few people instead of having the huge group together at all times. 

In answer to your original question, I do think you're being unreasonable. 

SheilaE

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_need-vent-bachelor-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c051bbdc-8910-47c9-b0fe-43e880b47a87Post:050b5e38-4757-4e7c-bb8f-04c2216b05b9">Re: need to vent about bachelor parties</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it's just me, but I think you can handle "entertaining" all of the family for one night to let your FI have a proper bachelor party. And in reality, these are grown people you're talking about - they can entertain themselves also. I know if I were traveling that far to attend a wedding and planned on being there for more than 2 days I'd want some time where there's nothing scheduled and no obligations so I could maybe see the sights or spend some quieter time with a few people instead of having the huge group together at all times.  In answer to your original question, I do think you're being unreasonable. 
Posted by meltoine[/QUOTE]

I agree with meltoine.  The family knows how to entertain themselves and to be honest you may want a night away from everyone.  I know there were times I wanted to just relax and not worry about the wedding and family.

We had a Jack and Jill party the week of our wedding.  We had a blast, and it was what we needed.  So if you are interested suggest having a Co-ed party.

heyimbren

I never post on here, but I just stumbled across your post ggirl.

I understand that you have a lot of concerns and you're just asking for it not to be the week of the wedding. I can see where you're coming from, and I'd probably even agree with you. But is there no way you two can come up with a compromise? Maybe see if they can scale down on the plans so it isn't a big event like you said, and your FI can be back for part of the week to help you entertain family. It sounds like this is something important to your FI and his brother, and I don't think they're entirely wrong either.

If not, I'm glad you were able to talk things over and come up with a solution with your FI's wilingness to sacrifice.

ggirl2001

I agree that they're not wrong.. and I like the suggestion of the jack and jill party as well I also get the part about family can handle themselves, sometimes I forget that. I think I would feel better about it if I knew what day they wanted to do it? I guess I'm just wondering what day they think would be feasible since our wedding is on a Sunday and I know his brother can't even get down there the weekend before? it's not that big of a deal, and if they still do decide to go through with it then, I wouldn't throw a big fit over it, I just would want to have a say in the day to make sure it's not interfering with people arriving and other plans. Weird thing is though, I did talk to my fiance again (after seeing all these posts, thanks girls ) and he said he didn't really care too much about it anyway and it would be fine no matter what it was. That kind of took me by surprise because, as stated before, I know how big stag parties are in my area, (Hell, both my brothers made almost $2,000 at theirs). Thanks everyone for the suggestions, I think it will work out, and in the scheme of things, not a big deal, I just needed to vent about it and see what other people thought

LuluP82

We're doing all of our things the week of the wedding. Reason being, everyone has to travel, and we didn't feel right asking people to take two separate trips. Sure, it's hard to get time off, but it's harder sometimes to get it in different chunks and to travel twice.

In our case, I'm having my girl's night (I'm not doing bachelorette-y stuff since we're legally married already and I feel ridiculous) on Thursday. On Friday, we have a tea in the afternoon. After the tea, we have the rehearsal and then the dinner, religious wedding ceremony and reception are Saturday. He's doing a dinner/bars thing on Thursday, a haircut and shaves party on Friday pm. Honestly, we're going to get to spend lots of time with family this way since they're included in the events. And we just worded it as "whoever can make it early, awesome."

I think so long as your FI won't get upset if everyone can't make it, it's not an issue. I also think so long as it doesn't interfere with the actual wedding ceremony, it should be up to him and his groomsmen to decide.

ANd honestly, if you're describing that they're going away for a weekend at the beach, it doesn't really sound to me like the stag party DN was referring to, and more like a traditional bachelor party, which can be done in one night.