Military Brides

Don't Know What To Do

So, my FI is currently deployed and I am going through hell.  I am sick, but the doctors don't know what's wrong with me.  It could be really bad, like really really bad, or it could be something relatively minor.  But even just the possibility of it being something bad is getting to me.  I am in the middle of studying for the last finals I will take for my degree and the only thing I can think about is how bad this could be.  Anyway, I get to talk to my FI in a few days and it's been hard enough not telling him what's going on in the emails, but I don't know how I'm going to keep it from him when we talk.  I've never been good at hiding things that are bugging me and I just know he'll be able to hear it in my voice when we talk.  I really don't want to tell him because he doesn't need to worry about this while he's stuck on a boat and can't do anything about it.  I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and I need some advice.  My family is nearby and they try to be supportive, but it's not the same and they won't let me just freak out while I wait for the next set of test results.  Is it really bad to tell him or should I try to hold out until I know more?
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Re: Don't Know What To Do

  • edited December 2011
    Hold out till you know more, there is no need to worry him over something that may or may not be a big deal. Take a deep breath and try to relax, you have enough to worry about with finals and stress can make what ever you may have seem worst than it is. Try your hardest to hold off on telling him till you know for sure what it is.
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  • meltoinemeltoine
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments First Answer
    member
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP - there's no sense in worrying him until you know what there is to worry about. If you tell him now, then find out say, next week, that it's not terribly serious and you're okay, when will you be able to talk to him again to let him know? Then he'll be stuck worrying about you for naught because you can't update him. I know it's hard, but find someone else to talk to in the interim; best friend, mom, pastor, counselor, someone. Talk out your feelings with that person so that you don't have as strong an urge to do it with your FI. 

    I hope things are okay and that it is something minor. Keep us updated!
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  • edited December 2011
    First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so hard to go through big things like that with your fiance gone. My fiance is deployed, and a couple months ago I was running and heard this awful cracking noise and was in terrible pain, and it turns out that my leg had just snapped. I saw an orthopedic surgeon who was kind of a jerk and the first thing he said was, "Well, you're too young for your bones to just break like that, it's likely you have some sort of cancerous growth in there that's weakening your bones." So I automatically freaked out. After lots of tests, it turns out I actually had multiple stress fractures that weakened the bone, and running 40 miles a week just wasn't a good thing for my body. Not the best diagnosis, but definitely not cancer. So, I'm healing and cross training, and everything is fine. But, I didn't tell my fiance until everything was over and I had a diagnosis. In my opinion, this actually made everything worse. You have to find a good balance between not telling them little things and keeping a good face, and actually having them involved in your life. My fiance knew something was bothering me, and since I didn't tell him what, he assumed that he had done something or that it was something to do with our relationship. So for a few weeks, I was in a lot of pain and worrying, and he was worrying about our relationship, and neither of us knew what the other was thinking. When I told him what was actually going on, he was a little upset and wish I would have told him from the beginning so that he could have been supportive the whole time. So, from my experience, I'd encourage you to tell him. Try to be calm about it, but I think it will be easier for both of you if you keep him involved. While their jobs are the most important thing while they're deployed, you're also an important part of his life as well, and he needs to know what is going on with you. Try to stay calm and focus on your exams right now, because you don't want to risk anything with your degree from worrying. I know, easier said than done. Feel free to send me a message if you need anything else or just someone to vent to.
  • kara811kara811
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    member
    edited December 2011
    I actually agree with leannalyn. There's been times in our relationship where I try to hold something back from FI that way I don't worry him with what is going on with me. But he really hates it when I don't tell him important things like that, especially if it's got something to do with my health. It only worries him more if I don't tell him what's going on. He'll think he did something, and he's at fault. He always says I'm the love of his life, and even though he's far away, he wants to be as supportive as he can be. He wants to know everything going on in my life. bad or good. FI and I have always told each other everything, even the daily things we do. It's how we keep our relationship going, and almost feels as if we're there with each other. 

    My advice is, don't try and keep it from your FI. Let him know even at least something. Tell him you've gone to the doctor because there's something wrong with your leg, but a full diagnosis is still unsure. At least he'll know what's going on and wouldn't have to worry about you keeping something from him, since you say he'll hear it in your voice when you talk to him on the phone. Good Luck with everything! I hope it's not anything major! 
  • Beachy730Beachy730
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry to hear about that Seaside.  Once you do find out, the Navy won't let you go through it alone.  If it something bad they will send him home from the ship.  Personally I think you should talk to him and let him know a little of what's going on.  He can talk to who he needs to about what he can do about leaving if he needs to, and he won't thrown completely off guard when you do finally tell him what's going on. 

    I have a friend who is another Navy wife and she was diagnosed with cancer right before her H was supposed to leave for deployment.  They kept him off the deployment because it's considered a life altering event.  Another wife just had a bad car accident and they were in the works of sending her H home to her, but she just last night told him not to because she was okay.  So I definitely suggest giving him some info about it so he can look into what he can do in the worst case scenario.  I can't imagine what you're going through, but it can only make it harder on you to try and hide it from him and put on a happy face when you talk to him.  
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks all!  I guess it's hard because it's so vague right now and it still could be something minor but there's that chance it could be major.  I get to talk to the doctor tonight about the chances for the more major problems it could be so I'll have some more information when I do tell him.  On the plus side, we can email every day so if I find out it is nothing I will be able to tell him right away.  Plus he will be home early next year so I don't think they'll need to send him home early or anything if it is serious.  I guess my biggest concern was just adding to his worry, and he is already having a hard time because he is not home for the holidays (a first in his 10 years of being in).  But I would much rather have him worry about the real problem than worry about the wrong one, so I think being up front is best. 
    This whole thing definitely sucks.  Between my finals and him being gone, it just couldn't have happened at a worse time.  I do have a counselor that I talk to regularly and friends and family nearby but it's not quite the same as having him here for support.  I am kind of too informed and at the same time not informed enough.  My degree is in Microbiology with a minor in Medical Laboratory Science and I've had extensive biology courses that cover a lot of infortmation relevant to my current situation.  On the other hand, I only have very general information about my own case and it's the specifics that indicate whether or not this is serious or even how serious it is.
    I really appreciate all the support from all of you since you can relate to what I'm going through.  I promise to keep you all updated on how things turn out.  Thank you all so much for your support and advice!
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  • calindicalindi
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    I don't have much to add, but my thoughts are with you!  It's never fun waiting to hear news, so I'll keep my fingers crossed that it's minor.  Good luck and feel better!

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  • edited December 2011
    Hey Ladies! Good news, the worst of the serious problems is extremely unlikely.  I should probably explain this a little better, over the past 6 months I have been feeling completely awful and they've been running blood tests every other month to monitor my thyroid condition (which is pretty minor).  But the tests for my thyroid kept coming back normal and then my doctor noticed that my white blood cell count keeps dropping.  So there are a lot of things that can cause that, from a simple virus to leukemia (which was the super scary one).  There's a bunch in the middle which were ruled out by a few other blood tests, but the chance of it being leukemia was still there and that was what was freaking me out.  Unfortunately all I knew was that my white blood cell count was dropping and nothing else. Luckily my doctor reviewed all the blood work results and said that leukemia is extremely unlikely because there is no sign of abnormal cells. 
    I'm sure you all can understand why I would freak out about the possibility of leukemia, and my doctor was being super vague and not helpful which made things worse.  Luckily I got the answers I needed and now I am a lot less worried and I'll be able to talk to my FI about it without freaking him out. 
    Thank you all so much for replying to this post.  It means so much that you would all be supportive and so helpful. 
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  • kara811kara811
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    member
    edited December 2011
    Yay! That's some good news! I would have definitely been scared if it was Leukemia, so what diagnosis has you doctor made? Does he know yet why exactly are your WBCs down in count, or is it a possible hormonal/neurotransmitter imbalance due to your thyroid? I'm glad it's not as bad though! I hope you get well soon! :) 
  • calindicalindi
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    For some reason, I knew that instinctively.  It could be because I have leukemia on the brain - I'm running a 1/2 marathon for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in February in memory of a friend who had it.

    The thing is, even though I lost a friend, leukemia is very treatable now.  The long term prognosis is usually very good, and survival rates are high.  Still, I'm VERY glad that you probably don't have it!

    Blood stuff is nothing to mess with, though.  Be sure you see a specialist, and if you get a diagnosis, get a second opinion before starting any treatments.  Good luck!

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  • edited December 2011
    Glad everything is looking better! Hopefully you can get a definitive diagnosis soon. Can you get copies of all the blood work for yourself? I hope you get to talk to your fiance soon.
  • edited December 2011
    I am so relieved that it wasn't likely to be leukemia and the follow-up bloodwork doesn't show any indicators of it either.  They think that the low WBC count has to do with Epstein Barr Virus which is known for causing mono.  I initally had mono in October 2004 and since then I have had three relapses.  Fortunately, my immune system is working properly and all the antibodies that should be there are there when they need to be.  Unfortunately, EBV is similar to herpes and chicken pox in that your body never gets rid of it and it can come back periodically.  The big problem right now is trying to figure out why it keeps coming back and what we can do about it, plus why it might be causing my WBC count to keep declining.  Also, EBV can cause some really serious problems so we still have to worry a little bit about those.  I am meeting with the top Infectious Disease specialist in my area right after Christmas, so I'll learn more then. 
    Also, I was able to talk to my FI and he was very caring and understanding.  He even kinda laughed at me for not wanting to make him worry because I am the worrier and he is the optimist.  He said he knows I'll be okay and even if I'm not then we will get through it together.  I love when he comes out of nowhere and says the perfect thing. 
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