Date Debacle...

ae&dkforever

After just recently getting engaged my fiancé and I are now at a deadlock about setting a date.

We have been together for over 4 years (2 before the Army, and now 2+ after), and have talked about getting married a lot, and made some “wouldn’t this be nice” kind of plans. Now that we’re actually engaged, however, reality has reared its ugly head and he’s set on those (what I thought were) fun plans. Currently I am a sophomore in college and he is stationed in Germany, with just over 2 years left in his enlistment. We will both be done in May 2013. Our “fun” plans call for getting married in the summer of 2012, honeymooning, and then me staying in Germany for a month or two before heading back to school. (If I move to Germany he has to enlist and stay in Germany for an extra year…) Realistically it makes more sense to get married once were reunited in the States, in 2013, but we’ve both had our hearts set on 2012 for almost a year. It’s a battle of head versus heart and I am torn.

After looking into it we’ve found out that our fun plans will be very expensive once it comes to me staying in Germany, so we probably we only have the money for a few weeks. And then it would be a year and a half living apart. He would hopefully be home for Christmases, and I’m sure we’d see each other a few other times, but it’s not like we would have a place of our own or anything, and it would only be a few weeks at a time. That doesn’t sound very fun.

If we wait until 2013 we wait what feels like forever, but we would actually be together before and after the wedding.

Sounds simple right? Here’s the kicker. Money (isn’t it always?) Once we are married his monthly pay will just about double, so if we get married in 2012 that would be a nice chunk of change for a house, plus I would get tuition assistance for school. If we wait until 2013 we only have whatever we’ve both earned because he will be discharged from the Army. I know it’s not about the money, but since we know we are getting married it is a valid issue.

kyrgyzstan

I would not get married for the money, and it was really important to me that I finished college before I even wanted to get engaged, so I would wait until you're all the way finished. I think you should go to Germany for the summer and you guys should hang out anywhere you can. He can take leave. Traveling Europe is cheap. I did it at 18/19, paid for it completely on my own, and it wasn't expensive at all. 

ae&dkforever

We have talked about it A LOT and I have made it clear that I am finishing college AT my college, and he knew that before he proposed. Also, he is working on his degree online, so we both value our schooling.
I would love to just travel Europe, but according to the FI its too dangerous for me to stay at a cheaper hostel instead of the base hotel. Apparently there's a big problem with the Turks and Americans in that area, and alot end up hospitalized or worse. Not what I want at all, so that makes money even tighter. He would be able to take leave a few times to go places, but its not really realistic for us to be able to just go all over for a few months, either way we have a wedding to save for!

kyrgyzstan

It is not dangerous to be in Germany alone. I lived in Germany. I traveled all of Europe alone. The worst thing that ever happened to me because of someone of Turkish descent was getting cat called. Which also happened in Amsterdam with Dutch men, Italy with Italian men, Spain with Spanish men, France with Frenchman, Austria with Australian men (not a typo), Poland with Polish men, etc.

I was in Europe at a theoretically dangerous time. President Bush had told all Americans who were leisure travelers abroad to come home. I stayed. I lived there during the Madrid bombings, and was in Italy during the Iraq invasion. I wandered accidentally into the midst of large anti-war protests. I stayed alone at hostels in every country I went to. I understand your fiance wants to protect you, and I'm certain he has AFN and his senior Soldiers warning him to be careful, and he should, but you will be safe in Germany. You should experience world travel, it's good for the soul, and Western Europe, even with its issues with immigration (which we have too, and you wouldn't not visit Southern Cal, right?), is a great place to catch the travel bug. 

An interesting book on the subject of Muslim immigrants and their effect on Western Europe is http://www.amazon.com/Reflections-Revolution-Europe-Immigration-Islam/dp/0385518269

if you or your fiance are interested.

ETA: If people are starting fights, then it's their own bloody fault they end up in the hospital. I very easily could have started political arguments all over the place when I was there. I did not. Be polite and you'll be fine. There are many people at your fiance's base who live off base/travel and do fine, I'm quite sure of it. Perhaps your fiance knows a married couple who you could pay to rent a room for the summer? I often saw "Zimmer Frei" signs posted, which means "Room available". That could be an option if you're anti-hostel, which you shouldn't be, they're such a great way to meet people.

Anyway, even if you don't travel, I would wait until he's stateside permanently. 

calindi

I backpacked through Europe on my own for a summer when I was your age.  Your FI is just worried about you, but if you use basic street smarts and normal precautions when traveling, you should be just fine.  It's not even like you're over there alone - he'll be nearby.

Hostels are my favorite thing - they're like summer camp for grown ups.  You meet fun people from all around the world, and often if you stay in a "women only" room (not all but some hostels have this available) you'll meet other women who are traveling alone.  I made some lifelong friends with girls I'd meet up with and travel to the next city together!

I'd say go rent a room near him (if his city is so dangerous, rent in the next city or town over, but I don't think that's likely a real problem). Then when you feel like it, travel to other places in Europe while he's busy.  Get a rail pass - Germany's very central, so a EuroRail pass will be useful.  You can get to so many places on an overnight train - Paris, Rome, etc.  The most expensive part of Europe is the flights from/returning to the US, and then housing expenses.  If you live in a somewhat cheap place (like rent a room instead of a whole apartment), travel isn't really that expensive overall if you shop around, and food is generally the same or cheaper than the US.  The Euro has weakened considerably, too, so your dollar will go further right now.

Gosh, I love Germany!  You'd have SO MUCH FUN!  I wish I was a sophomore in college again and had the opportunity to live in a different country for a summer - here I am, just hoping my guy gets stationed in Germany at some point so I can explore.  GO HAVE FUN!