Military Brides

I hope this is better then the last

I posted on the NYE message board and they kinda informed me that i was crazy and was wrong for thinking about getting engaged. let me explain

Myboyfriend and i have been friends for almost 5 years and he always liked me but we just never thru highschool got together. In 2009 we went on a date before he left for the navy and everything was kinda history from there. except we only Officially putt the bf/gf label a month ago. But he and i recently started talking about me moving to his permanent station in california. While he will still have his deployments i figured it would be better then being on the other end of the country. So i am planning on moving but he informed me in order for me to live on base we have to be married.  
So we were talking about it generally and he decided on his next deployment he is going to propose to me and we are gonna wait two years before we get married to make sure everything is good with our relationship b4 we get married and i move out there...

however the other girls were saying we are too young to move too quick and anything else that could put a girl down lol I know im gonna get some people who still feel the same and i understand that but maybe i can ask you guys about how i can enjoy the relationship and not be so excited when it hasnt happened yet or how to keep busy when hes not around or about when i should consider planning * obviously after i get the ring* but i hope you get what i mean. 

Re: I hope this is better then the last

  • edited December 2011
    If you only just officially committed to a boyfriend/girlfriend status, I don't think you should jump into being engaged or married.

    From the post it sounds like you just want a reason to move to California. Why don't you move out there, get a place and work/go to school, support yourself and work on your relationship.

    That way you can live on your own, but be a lot closer to your BF for a less than long distance relationship. I wouldn't get engaged to "work on your relationship" it should be worked out by that point. Don't work backwards.
  • edited December 2011

    Personally, I don't see the problem with continuing to be boyfriend and girlfriend while you decide if each other is marriage material. (To me this is the common sense approach) You can move to California and get a place off base and still be near him without the title of engaged. Why the need for the title? Being engaged wont change anything with the military, especially if you are still going to wait a few years to get married.

    Good Luck!

  • kara811kara811
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    member
    edited December 2011
    I'm guessing your FI is stationed in SD? The PPs gave great suggestions of you moving out there and living off base, but that isn't always easy. San Diego, or California in general is an expensive place to live in. Apartment rentals are already high priced, is your BF not allowed to live off base yet, so you could at least share the expenses? 

    It's good that you are both willing to wait for a couple years and getting to experience how deployment is like. I think it might be better if you just stay where you are now and have a LD relationship, than moving all the way on the other side of the country and being alone when he leaves for deployment. LD relationships are difficult, but it is worth it if you are both willing to work on it. 

    Good Luck! 
  • Beachy730Beachy730
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    I just went and read your post on the other board as well to know more about the story.  And I completely agree with all the girls on that board (except that part about not posting yet, as the military brides board is a great support system for anyone dealing with a military relationship).

    You are WAY too young to be thinking about making such a committment to someone you have only been dating for 1 month.  Being friends with someone for 5 years is not at all the same as dating someone.  I have best friends that are guys that i've known for 13 years and they literally are like brothers to me, and I'm still shocked to hear some things from their girlfriends about how they act and things they will do.  I think that 1 month is way too soon to even be thinking about moving across the country for someone, let alone thinking about marriage, especially since it's only a marriage of convenience right now.  

    Stick with the long distance thing for now, from NY to CA.  If you can't handle that, then honestly you can't handle being in a military relationship with deployments.  I know it's hard, and most of us on this board have had to do it, but it really makes you learn a lot about each other and build very important marriage skills, like communication and trust.  If you do decide to move out there, get an apartment like hattieshay said, and just build your relationship that way. 

    I'm confused though, because in your other post you said you want to get married so the military pays for your move out there, and so you can live on base with him.  These are completely different things.  First of all, the military won't pay for your move unless he is doing a PCS and your stuff is with him.  If you are just moving to be with him where he is already stationed, you're on your own, married or not.  Second of all, i will again say that you are way too young to be moving across the country and away from all your family and friends.  I am 27, and just moved from NY to WA and it's still hard for me.  I never would have been able to do it at 19 because I dont' have the experiences and the education that I do now to make it work by myself while he is gone.

    I know you don't want to hear that you are too young and not to do it, but honestly, if someone tells you to do it then they are giving you horrible advice.  When I was 21 I thought i was with my future husband and life was perfect.  Then I realized how wrong I was.  I have grown and changed so much since then, and I can guarantee you that if I married him I would be divorced within a few years.  There are many posters on here who have made the mistake of getting married that young and are already divorced.  There is a reason why the military has such a high divorce rate, and it's because of how many people get married for the convenience of it.  Please, do not do it. 
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  • Beachy730Beachy730
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    This is the post I was referring to from the other board:

    yeah i guess your right. idk its hard to be in a relationship with a military person. the rush is he wants me to move to cali with him and live on his base, but we cant afford it. So in order for the navy to pay for me to move their and stuff we have to be married. And it just in my head sounds great... get married move to cali and have the life i want with my husband even though he will still have his deployments and stuff for the next 4 years. and we arent getting married for a while but i guess i was just looking for the opposite of what i got.  

    I'm sorry if i came off rude. i see where you all are coming from i guess only time will tell
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren
    2500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    DNBeach, just to clarify, I said my advice would be to lurk a bit before posting about wanting to get married so soon.

    Chelcomp, I'm glad to see you'll get more specific input and advice for your situation on here from ladies who know more about the military, but to clarify once again, no one called you crazy and no one was trying to put you down.

  • edited December 2011
    Thanks For your input ladies.
  • kara811kara811
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    member
    edited December 2011
    I just read the post on the other board since I now have the time. I do agree with what the posters said on there OP. Some of your posts seem a bit conflicting, from wanting to move to saying it's your FI's idea. Bottomline, don't move all the way to Cali just yet, that's too big of a step especially since you've only been dating for almost a month. Stick with the LDR, if you can't make that work, then you won't really be fit for life in the military, especially when your SO is on deployments. 

    Get to know each other much better for now. People are different as friends than as couples. It's better to not even get engaged til at least after you experience 1 deployment and see what it's like. As for advice for LDRs, great communication is always the key. Please think twice before you decide to do anything. And again, good luck. 
  • calindicalindi
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like you're in love and miss your guy.  I totally get that!  It sounds like you both see a future together - great, wonderful!  I like the idea of moving to San Diego on your own - even if you can't live together yet, you'd be able to see each other a lot more frequently.  Plus it will give you the opportunity to continue dating each other and developing the relationship, as well as gaining experience being independent and not reliant on him (very important as a military spouse).

    That said, take your time, enjoy your relationship for the wonderful thing it is and don't rush.

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  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
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    edited December 2011
    I live in the San Diego area, I rented rooms here while going to school and working. It's HCOL, but doable, and way better than getting married so he can move out of the barracks. 


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  • edited December 2011
    calindi --- Thank you thats the type of things i wuld like to hear and the idea of me going out there on my own might be a little better your right...


    I also don't think that he brought it up to "get him out of the barracks" but i will consider what you are saying. however if i dont change my mind i will not say anything on the forums till i def get the ring.
  • heyimbrenheyimbren
    2500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: I hope this is better then the last:
    calindi --- Thank you thats the type of things i wuld like to hear and the idea of me going out there on my own might be a little better your right... I also don't think that he brought it up to "get him out of the barracks" but i will consider what you are saying. however if i dont change my mind i will not say anything on the forums till i def get the ring.
    Posted by chelcomp2010
    If you want to stick around and post on the boards about relationship stuff, and other non-wedding related things then go for it! It's pre-planning (before you're engaged) that isn't recommended.

  • calindicalindi
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: I hope this is better then the last:
    In Response to Re: I hope this is better then the last : If you want to stick around and post on the boards about relationship stuff, and other non-wedding related things then go for it! It's pre-planning (before you're engaged) that isn't recommended.
    Posted by heyimbren
    Yeah, like Bren said... not all of us are engaged (I'm not).  The forums are good for chatting and getting those "I really want to get married, but I know I should be patient!" moments out.

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  • edited December 2011
    Okayy thank you ladiess!!
  • shibbs86shibbs86
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011

    You could ask if he's interested in applying for off base housing. There's no requirement that says you have to be married to live with him if he's renting an apartment off base.

  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: I hope this is better then the last:
    You could ask if he's interested in applying for off base housing. There's no requirement that says you have to be married to live with him if he's renting an apartment off base.
    Posted by shibbs86
    If he's only been in two years and lives in a HCOL area, I doubt they'd approve it. FI has been in ten years, and he gets single BAH, but it only was allowed to be applied to base housing communities. So he lives next door to an E2 and his family.
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • calindicalindi
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: I hope this is better then the last:
    In Response to Re: I hope this is better then the last : If he's only been in two years and lives in a HCOL area, I doubt they'd approve it. FI has been in ten years, and he gets single BAH, but it only was allowed to be applied to base housing communities. So he lives next door to an E2 and his family.
    Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan
    Also, they've been dating a month.  I think moving to live near him is a big enough step at that point, they can save living together for another year from now, and then consider getting engaged sometime after that.

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