New! And Need to Vent

walshm01

I was on another board (in Moms and Maids) and was venting about how my sister and sister in law are not doing what i would think they were supposed to do. All i meant by it was that I wish they were a bigger part of my wedding and not complaining about things like buying the dress. Another bride told me that I need to reevaluate what's important, after she broke up my post by sentence group and replied to each. I just felt like since my fiance is away and has been away for a few months at A school, that I would be able to count on my sisters. It was frustrating for them to complain and not want to get their dress when all I want to do is celebrate this time with them. Is it bad that I want my bridesmaids to be involved in my wedding? i chose them because I thought I'd be able to count on them. Now I'm upset about that and these boards. I feel so distraught like I never want to post on them again. But now I can't get out of my head what she said to me. Has that ever happened to you? I just wanted a place to vent. And I guess my words didn't come out how I wanted them to. =/

kyrgyzstan

Enh, I haven't read your other post, but having an LDR doesn't entitle you to more from your bridal party. I didn't pick my bridal party because I can count on them, I picked them because I love them and want them standing next to me the day I get married. All a BM has to do is buy a dress and show up day of. 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_new-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:d3ac0e52-6d2e-48d9-9d80-a3df951449d4Post:a892633d-728d-4e46-a51d-3090711037f2">New! And Need to Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I was on another board (in Moms and Maids) and was venting about how my sister and sister in law are not doing what i would think they were supposed to do. All i meant by it was that I wish they were a bigger part of my wedding and not complaining about things like buying the dress. Another bride told me that I need to reevaluate what's important, after she broke up my post by sentence group and replied to each. I just felt like since my fiance is away and has been away for a few months at A school, that I would be able to count on my sisters. It was frustrating for them to complain and not want to get their dress when all I want to do is celebrate this time with them. Is it bad that I want my bridesmaids to be involved in my wedding? i chose them because I thought I'd be able to count on them. Now I'm upset about that and these boards. I feel so distraught like I never want to post on them again. But now I can't get out of my head what she said to me. Has that ever happened to you? I just wanted a place to vent. And I guess my words didn't come out how I wanted them to. =/
Posted by walshm01[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto Stan that having an LDR doesn't mean that you should expect everyone to pick up the slack of your FI not being there.  Too many people focus on the "maids" part of bridesmaids and think that means they are unpaid labor and should be ready and willing to do whatever you want between now and the wedding.  I'm not saying that's necessarily what you are expecting, but I see that a lot in general.  </div><div>
</div><div>Your BM's should be picked based on the people who are nearest and dearest to you, and who you can't imagine not having stand next to you as you marry your FI.  If they choose to plan parties for you, and offer to help you with anything you need, and be your sounding board whenever you need it, then great.  And I think every bride would love that.  But you shouldn't expect it.  If they do nothing other than buy the dress and show up at the wedding, that is perfectly okay. </div><div>
</div><div>Your wedding planning should be fun and enjoyable.  Yes it gets stressful at times, but when that happens, you need to just step away from it and come back in a few days.  You are essentially planning a party, and it should be fun.  If you need "support" for it, you are doing it wrong.  When you need opinions or help, post questions on the board.  But if you are just looking for validation, you aren't going to get it on these boards.  You will get brutal honesty, whether you like it or not.  But it really is a good thing. </div>

ggirl2001

Ditto what PP's said. For the first few months or so my mom had no interest in my wedding. Come to find out, she just needed to take time to accept that not only am I getting married, but moving away from her (I'm the baby of the family).

I am also in an LDR (FI is currently deployed) and I am planning a wedding in a different state then I live in. Like DNB said, it can get stressful at times, but just take a step back and let it go. Thats usually been whats working for me. During the times that my mom and sister get on my nerves about wedding planning (which they can do quite a bit haha), I take a break from them as well. (They are a lot more anal then I am and worry more than I do so it can get me stressed).

Your bridal party are people that you just love and want to be close to you on your wedding day. My best friend is also in my wedding party and I have barely talked to her anything wedding related because we have so many other things that we like to talk about when we get together. Same goes for my sister.

You are going to get brutal honest answers on these boards and that can be a good thing. It allows you to look at your situation from someone's point of view and see where you may have unreasonable expectations. Don't just stop posting, but look at as constructive criticism.

greygarnett

I find a lot of people think that since you chose your BM's to stand up next to you  because they are your dear friends that have always been there for you, and helped you through hard times and hard decisions that they assume since this can be one of the most stressful times that they should be helping you through all of this. Truth is you are friends with them for those reasons but being a BM is not a job position that you fill on these criteria. A lot of people get "wedding'd out" pretty fast and lose interest. Not because they don't love you but because it does get old when its all about somebody else for a long period of time. BM's only have to show up in their dress and smile in pictures. Anything they do beyond that is a plus. I have my MOH who WANTS to be super helpful and thats great, my other BM's don't really know any of my details and that fine. I've actually dont more planning with other friends outside the WP who are also engaged because they can relate a lot easier and its fun hearing other peoples ideas and such. Some people are going to post negative things to you on his site but you have to just let it slide sometimes. I think sometimes people forget we are mostly newbies on here to this whole wedding thing and also we didn't all come from the same house of knowledge (my mom is horrified that I don't care if the girls hair will match, she believe it will ruin pictures-now if she came on here with that she'd be torn a new one too). Don't let it keep you from posting new questions, just re-read your posts before you hit send (make sure its what you MEANT to say) and know that not everybody is going to sit there and agree with you. If they do get a little "nasty" for your taste, filter out the negative and try to see where they were going with that piece of advice. Some people are just very blunt.
Good luck planning for your special day.

walshm01

ladies, thank you all for your advice. i really appreciate it

jackieandbilly

Wow sorry to stir up any waves here, but I totally disagree with PP. I don't think that being in a LDR automatically entitles you to anything extra or special from your friends in terms of attention, but if they really loved you, wouldn't they realize that you're a little lonely/anxious (at least I am) and do what they can to help? That's just it- if they are your FRIENDS, they should love you and give you support no matter what you're going through.

I know it's popular on these boards to just say BM need to buy a dress and show up for the wedding- but isn't that what all female guests are doing? If these are really your sisters and best friends we're talking around, it's totally reasonable to want them around you as much as possible and they should be excited and happy for you. Being a friend isn't contingent upon wedding planning or anything else. I know I jump in and give extra attention when I know a friend is going through a tougher time than usual- emotional support is usually the best thing a friend can give. That's what being a friend is in my opinion. For example, my best friend (and BM) just broke up with her boyfriend because he cheated on her, so I'm putting a little sunshine card in the mail today telling her how much I love her. If your friends are recognizing you're going through a tough time with your FI being away, they should totally be there for unconditional love and support. I know I lean on my family and friends more when I'm really missing my FI- they should understand that and love you, and that means being helpful and supportive when your friends are sad.

Sorry I don't agree with everyone else, but I do not think you were being unreasonable about being hurt- but that's just my opinion about friendship:)

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_new-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:d3ac0e52-6d2e-48d9-9d80-a3df951449d4Post:e7268cfd-555c-4cc2-b7e3-393f22ad75c2">Re: New! And Need to Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow sorry to stir up any waves here, but I totally disagree with PP. I don't think that being in a LDR automatically entitles you to anything extra or special from your friends in terms of attention, but if they really loved you, wouldn't they realize that you're a little lonely/anxious (at least I am) and do what they can to help? That's just it- if they are your FRIENDS, they should love you and give you support no matter what you're going through. I know it's popular on these boards to just say BM need to buy a dress and show up for the wedding- but isn't that what all female guests are doing? <strong>If these are really your sisters and best friends we're talking around, it's totally reasonable to WANT them around you as much as possible and they should be excited and happy for you</strong>. Being a friend isn't contingent upon wedding planning or anything else. I know I jump in and give extra attention when I know a friend is going through a tougher time than usual- emotional support is usually the best thing a friend can give. That's what being a friend is in my opinion. For example, my best friend (and BM) just broke up with her boyfriend because he cheated on her, so I'm putting a little sunshine card in the mail today telling her how much I love her. If your friends are recognizing you're going through a tough time with your FI being away, they should totally be there for unconditional love and support. I know I lean on my family and friends more when I'm really missing my FI- they should understand that and love you, and that means being helpful and supportive when your friends are sad. Sorry I don't agree with everyone else, but I do not think you were being unreasonable about being hurt- but that's just my opinion about friendship:)
Posted by jackieandbilly[/QUOTE]

I think anyone would certainly HOPE that their friends and family would be extra considerate when they're lonely, but they're not ENTITLED to it.  Your friends and family have stuff going on in their lives, too.

Yes, her FI is away, and so she's lonely, but she's going to have to learn to deal with that and not expect extra attention all the time because being separated from your loved one is a regular occurance as a military spouse, and people get pretty sick of hearing about it all the time. Even other military spouses will roll their eyes at hearing about separation for training, as their spouses are in a warzone while deployed.  Someone always has it better and someone always has it worse, so you learn to just deal with your own situation.

I'm a very good friend, and you sound like you probably are, too.  You understand that people need each other, and need a little extra attention once in awhile.  ou do little things to make them smile.  Unfortunately, it doesn't always factor into a high priority for people to be that considerate and to put in the extra effort for their friends.  But it doesn't make them a bad friend if they're not there to help with wedding planning -  a wedding is a happy event, so you shouldn't need 'support'.  They would be a bad friend if they're not there when your loved one has cancer or when you get in a car accident. But even though it's happy and exciting, no one is ever as excited about it as the bride.  It would be pointless to ruin relationships with people because they're just not gung ho about discussing the minutia of periwinkle blue vs. cornflower blue for the program paper, ya know?

Beachy730

Ditto everything Calindi just said.  I know i say not to expect anything out of your BM's other than to buy the dress and show up, because literally that is all they are obligated to do.  Yes, it would be great if everyone had friends and family members who want to help with all the DIY projects, and know alll the details of your wedding, but you shouldn't expect it.  And if you have a friend who isn't normally interested in every single detail of your life everyday, then you shouldn't expect them to be that way for your wedding.  I know at least for me, the way my BM's were during my wedding planning was exactly how we are in our regular life.  For example:

My MOH was my aunt, who lived next door to me and we were together everyday anyways.  We used to do a lot of our random running around together, and we were always very actively invovled in eachother's everyday lives, so she wanted to be involved in all my wedding planning stuff, even the mundane trips to Michael's (since H and I were LDR).  2 of my BM's were sisters and great family friends of mine.  We can go months without talking, but never question our friendship or what we mean to eachother.  i would get random texts or FB messages every so often from them asking how everything was going with the wedding, just like our random messages to eachother asking how life is going.  And it was the same with my other 2 BM's as well, our friendship and relationship style didn't change because there was a wedding being planned.

My point is that you shouldn't expect your friends/family to change who they are just because you are getting married.  If they don't normally care about every minute detail of your life (like what shade of brown you are dying your hair), then you shouldn't expect them to care about the minute details of your wedding.  And just like when people have friends who are big planners and control freaks, and then they complaing that their BM's are being too controlling.