Military Brides

Fiance Enlisting. Any Advice?

    HI everyone!  My name is Becky and I am a new Knottie.  I am loving it so far.  

Here's My point that needs advice.   My fiance and I have been engaged for three months now.  Though he has always talked of enlisting, he has finally made his desicion and will be enlisting in the Navy.    I have some family that suggests we get married before he goes to basic training, and some that suggest we wait till he gets back (in case I cant handle him being away for so long and change my mind).  I would like to get married before he leaves.  

What do you other service wives suggest? I know it our desicion to make but I would like to hear if anyone has any interesting points that maybe we have not thought of that should be considered? 

Thanks guys!

Re: Fiance Enlisting. Any Advice?

  • mag131mag131
    First Comment
    member
    edited December 2011
    This is a huge change... my FI recently left for basic training for the Army and it has been 10 times harder than I expected it to be even after doing the whole long distance thing before.  Even though we made it out just fine, but it definitely takes a lot of work and is definitely an adjustment! While the paperwork might be easier if you get married before (you need to go through a full background check as well, I don’t know how this would affect him leaving for basic training) I would strongly suggest that you wait to see how things go first prior to getting married.  Keep in mind you need to do what is best for you though...
    Best of luck to you both!
  • natalieervinnatalieervin
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I suggest waiting until after he graduates basic. My FI is in the Navy, he joined 2 years ago. We didn't have the option of getting married before, I am still in high school (getting married June 4 2011! :) ), but I think it worked out for the best. At basic they can only write letters, and maybe a few phone calls if they are REALLY good. This experience brought us a lot closer, and this was the time that we knew for a fact that we would be getting married one day. After he graduates basic is he going to a school? Like corps school? When were yall planning on getting married before he decided to enlist? Good luck to you both! :)
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  • Beachy730Beachy730
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    edited December 2011
    My H has been in the Navy for 8 years.  What is his rate for the Navy?  Do you know where he will be going for school after?  When he fisrt joins it is difficult because they don't know where they are going to be stationed or where they will be deployed.  Can I ask how old you are, and how long you've been together?  H was a recruiter for the Navy before we just transferred and he dealt with a lot of young recruits getting married very quickly just to be married before they left.  It usually doesn't end well, but thats not always the case. 

    I would wait until after boot camp.  Use this time away and time of limited contact to judge how you can handle the military lifestyle.  Its definitely not for everyone, and isn't that easy.  H is leaving for deployment this week, and its our first one together since he's been on shore duty for a while, and it finally hit me today that he's actually leaving.  And I'm on the other side of the country as all my family and friends, and will be alone for 5 months.  To be honest, I'm pretty confident I can handle it, but you still never know until you go through it.  But I'm 27 and have 2 degrees and am done with school, so its not like i'm putting my life on hold, which many miitary brides do.

    My advice, wait until after.  See how you can handle the seperation, and how your relationship handles it.  See where he gets stationed after.  He might end up in Japan where you have no desire to go.  You never know.  Its much easier to change your mind before the wedding then after you're married and moved to another part of the country.
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  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan
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    edited December 2011
    I would wait until after basic, and through school, and if possible through a deployment. SO has been in 10 years, he knows what kind of Marine he is. We know what readjustment post deployment is like. The first few years are definitely an adjustment, for service member and girlfriends/fiancees/wives.
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  • edited December 2011
    my vote is for after. My FIs ex wife was one of those women that thought she could handle the seperation, she asked for a divorce 3 months after their wedding. Being a military girlfriend/fiance/wife is a VERY difficult job. Honestly you really need to wait and see how you can handle it, especially since the navy isnt exactly "family friendly" and before anyone gets offended by that comment im a navy brat and later joined myself. I wish yall both the best of luck and im sure you will be a great addition to the silent ranks.
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  • Beachy730Beachy730
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Fiance Enlisting. Any Advice?:
    my vote is for after. My FIs ex wife was one of those women that thought she could handle the seperation, she asked for a divorce 3 months after their wedding. Being a military girlfriend/fiance/wife is a VERY difficult job. Honestly you really need to wait and see how you can handle it, especially since the navy isnt exactly "family friendly" and before anyone gets offended by that comment im a navy brat and later joined myself. I wish yall both the best of luck and im sure you will be a great addition to the silent ranks.
    Posted by daydreamer2188
    I don't know if thats just the Navy or all military though.  H is in the Navy and just recently came back to sea duty.  While on shore duty they were pretty family friendly, but its totally dependent on where you're stationed and what you're doing.  We met while on shore duty and got married and his office was actually great about it.  But I know not to be used to that.  The one part that I can't stand is how they basically force you to get married since you can't access the base or any information unless you are married.  That wasn't at all the case for us or why we got married, but I totally understand now why so many military people get married so young, not that I agree with it though. 

    OP- Bottom line, I think you need to see how you can handle him being gone for months and dealing with deployments.  The one good thing about the Navy is that the deployments are usually around 6 months, which is much easier to deal with than 18 months that I know some branches do.  But if you have a shadow of doubt in your mind on if you can do it, or if this is really the right guy for you or the life for you, then I would definitely wait until at least after bootcamp.
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  • edited December 2011
    I said after mostly for reasons PP have said. I know its probably not what you want to hear. You think you can do anything -- My FI wanted to get married before Undergraduate Pilot Training because he wanted me to be there to help him out. But I decided to wait and I'm glad I did- they have such crappy hours and you never get to see them so you are stuck alone and far from your family. Who wants that for their frist year of marriage? Its nice to have that little extra time with your family before you make the big jump. That way you can really start your marriage as a team.
  • roaaoiferoaaoife
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Definitely after, and you should probably wait till you get stationed.  I'm an ex military wife, and soon to be one again, but it's not a life for everyone.  Deployments are stressful, PCSing is stressful, and TDY's are stressful.  There will be a lot of times when you have to tough it out alone, and they will not be convenient.  Already, my FI and I have been through one deployment, and we'll be going through another before we're married.  The bottom line is that when he joins, marrying someone in the military means joining the military, too.  They control your life, where you live, when you can see your SO, etc, and they're needs will always come first.  

    On the bright side, I love the military life.  I like traveling to new places, I like the people we work with, and I am so proud of my FI for the work he does.  The communities are really supportive of each other, and even when he's gone, there will be people willing and ready to help you out. 

    I recommend checking out www.cinchouse.org.   It's a community for military gf, FI, and DW's.  there's a lot of information there on what you'll need to be a military wife, the kinds of paperwork to fill out, the options for PCSing, and general information about life in the military and what to expect.  
  • edited December 2011

    I agree with PP's. Definitely wait until after boot camp. It will kind of give you a taste of what you are getting into. I also suggest like others that you wait for a deployment. Not everybody is cut out for this type of life. Military divorce rate is high, because you do have people that get married and then find out that this is not the life that they want.

    I wish you and FI good luck. I hope that things work out for you. Also one last thing, CONGRATS on the engagement! :)

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  • ksrawrksrawr
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Definitly after.  We didn't even start talking marriage untill after all his training because we wanted to be sure we could both handle the seperation.  Then we went through a whole deployment and then got married.  I suggest goign through a deployment first because even though training is tough deployments are tougher.  Either way he still has paperwork to fill out the only thing that sucks is that once you file the paperwork BAH and BAS can take a month to kick in (but you get back pay once it does from the date of the marriage as long as he was in the service when you married).  We are so glad we waited untill after everything. 
  • Irishgirl77xIrishgirl77x
    First Comment
    member
    edited December 2011
    Thank you everyone for your input, and I am very sorry that i have not been able to log on as of late!   I will get back to all the indevidual questions tomorrow when I have more time.   But just a quick few more tidbits of information:

    I am 21, he is 27.  Not sure about the school after,  We have been together for 2 years but know eachother for 10 (he grew up with my older brother).  WE were originally planning for a wedding this year on St Paddy's day.

    I'll reply more tomrrow and again thank you all!
  • edited December 2011
    I am in the same boat. My fiance has always talked about it and we finally sat down to have a heart to heart and he is going to enlist. We discussed this issue and have decided to do it before he leaves out for BMT. Multiple reasons played part in our decision. You actually can make money if you do it before and put that money aside to put towards something yall might need in the future. My brother is in the air force and he and his fiance are waiting until he gets out of tech school, but it has put alot of stress on them both having to deal with what day he can actually get married and when he would have to be back to his station. 

    Good Luck!
  • edited December 2011
    J and I had been dating 4 years before he enlisted. He proposed before he left, but we decided planning would be easier after things settled down (I also moved to Australia for vet school, which is another crazy story). Basic was awful, but you'll get through it. Stay busy is my advice! It's when you're bored that you're really miss him.
    I know everyone saying to wait until after, but personally I wish we got married before. We have had the hardest time choosing a date! If you want a big wedding (like I do), it's really scary to not have a 100% guarantee the groom can make it. (Although, choosing a date for me was also further complicated by the fact I only have some dates because of school). So we ended up being engaged for two years now (Finally getting married in July!). You also get benefits from being married (okay def not a reason to be married, but when we have loans for his degree and my doctorate, it helps!)
    But follow the advice that I think everyone is giving, which is that it depends on YOU. Sounds like you aren't rushing into anything (you're not 18 anymore and you've dated a while). But I'm not going to lie, it's going to be hard. So be ready for that. If you're going to have a small wedding, you can probably benefit to wait. Wedding planning may be a good distraction when he's gone! I would definitely reccommend getting premarriage counseling before he leaves (while you have time). You may be able to reach an agreement between you two following their guidance.
    Good Luck!
  • alolesonaloleson
    First Comment
    member
    edited December 2011
    My husband and I got married before he left for BMT. For us, the benefits were worth it. I am glad we did, my friend who's fiance left for the Navy a week before my husband they didn't get married. Our paperwork is already completed and when he is done with BMT and tech, they will pay for our move, etc. For us it was definitely worth getting married before hand! :)
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