Am I being too sensitive?

Creyo

Kay, I was hoping to get you ladies's opinions about something not quite engagement related. I just need to bounce this off some un-biased people.My boyfriend has been telling me for forever I should get into better shape. He works out every day, and is mega into looks. I'm not. I eat okay and work out semi-regularly. He brings up my weight all the time and yesterday I told him I didn't want to talk to him about it anymore. I'm 5'6" and 160, I don't feel like I'm excessively overweight. I'm actually happy with the way I look. Also, I'm kinda the person that if he tells me I weigh too much I get mad and eat more. (Thats not a good reaction, I know, its just what i do) i told him that his bugging causes a negative impact instead of positive and that I was not giving up on dieting, i just didn't want to talk about it. He said I'm being too sensitive and got upset. *sigh* so am I being too sensitive?

SarahPLiz

I lived in this relationship for 6 years, so I know there are lots of other considerations. I was overweight and gave in and worked out twice as much as he did and totally controlled out diets and got down to the upper level of healthy weight for my height (1st time in my life), but I was MISERABLE. I was hungry and angry and sick looking. That weight lasted about 2 weeks. About 5 years after that, I am at my highest weight ever, but I still work out regularly and try to eat well. My point is that trying to acheive the unacheivable for your body and lifestyle is more frustrating than productive, and you need to tell him that. As long as you are active and eat well and don't have any health problems, I see no reason for you to lose weight. I weigh more than you and I am 3 inches shorter. You are not being too sensitive. You are picking up on a possible issue in your relationship that has more to do with superficiality of your partner than weight. It also may be a sign that he has a controlling personality, and/or that he is insecure and is trying to project that onto you. Trust me, I was there for a long time and it took me a long time to get out of it. I may weigh more, but now I am happy, and I am active for the sake of being active (I do triathlons and have run a marathon and do boot camp 3-4 times a week), and I don't beat myself up over food. If this is a relationship that you would like to continue, I suggest counseling for both of you, because often there are issues that have nothing to do with weight that manifest themselves this way, There is an old saying in the fitness world that you will never have a life long relationship with someone who is more fit than you are. I think they were talking about extremes, and about activity levels. Maybe find some athletic activities that y'all can do together to show him that you are in perfectly good shape (kayaking, kickball, etc). If he continues to have this competitive need with you, then go to counseling, No one who loves you should make you feel bad about yourself, even if that's not what they mean to do.

pinkpinot

It's not you, it's him.  He should love & accept you - as you are. 

notquiteblushing

Seriously no one should tell you how you should look or weigh.  That is messed up and I agree with PP that it is a sign of a controlling personality or his own insecurity. I can see maybe if you were acting recklessly and were facing health issues because of your diet but as you said you eat ok and work out as much as you are comfortable.  And I'm no doctor but your weight and height sound pretty normal to me. So no, you are not being too sensitive.  He is being a jerk.  :-(

Acrosthec

You are not being too sensitive, and don't expect him to change.My mom was 5'7" and 118 when she married my father.  She was (and still is) gorgeous.  After she had me, she of course had baby weight to lose, and he ragged on her about it all the time.  Now she's on WeightWatchers and is down to about 135 and has shrunk an inch to 5'6".  He still makes her cry on a regular basis telling her she needs to lose more weight.  I very rarely go home because he always comments on my weight (I'm 5'8" and 160) and makes me feel terrible about it.  The only time he's ever told me I looked good, I was depressed and my friends were considering putting me into a treatment center for an eating disorder.  I was 5'8" and 114 lbs.  People like this do not change.  Their perceptions are skewed and always will be.  You are not being overly sensitive.  He's being a jerk.

Boofy&Babers

I agree with pp's. It would be different if you were overweight and he was saying this because he was worried about your health. But you are 5'6 and at a normal weight for your height. I don't blame you at all for being upset that he's saying this to you. It seems like he's insecure and worries about his own looks too much and puts that on you. You're happy with the way you look which is rare for us females, don't let him change that! One of the things I love about my FI is that he's made me feel beautiful no matter what weight I was at, I weight a lot less now than when we got together 6 years ago but he never told me to lose weight or change how I looked, he's always made me feel beautiful and you deserve that too! [url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/] [img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10714;6/st/20091227/e/Our+Christmas+Wedding/k/0a7d/event.png[/img][/url]

notquiteblushing

::hugs to everyone in this thread:: I'm pretty much the heaviest I've ever been right now.  But I'm also the happiest I've ever been.  Don't let someone else's version of beauty affect your self worth.

stressfreeBride2be

You're not being too sensitive--he's being insane...  If this is someone you would marry, I would have to take a long look at this and see how he's going to treat you once you're pregnant and then afterwards....

Boofy&Babers

*hugs back to you notquiteblushing*! I know what you mean! I don't always like my body but I'm the happiest I've ever been about it because I know my FI loves my body and makes me feel gorgeous! I happened to have lost a lot of weight over the past few years and my friends/family all comment on it, but it was because I chose to and not because he put pressure on me. [url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/] [img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10714;6/st/20091227/e/Our+Christmas+Wedding/k/0a7d/event.png[/img][/url]

LuckyLibbyB

My parents are constantly telling me that I am overweight. Which I am a bit, but I only have 19 percent body fat. My bf on the other hand is in amazing shape, you know, muscles everywhere? yeah thats him and he doesnt even work out. Its from his job. He gets beyond angry whenever I tell him what my parents have been saying. Or if I say, "Im fat" when Im around him he always reassures me that I am beautiful and that he loves me the way I am. I understand how you feel kinda. I adore my parents. But it really hurts whenever they make snarky comments. And it always makes me want to eat more! lol

Button5807

You're not being to sensitive, he's being an assh0le

LuckyLibbyB

Oops forgot the answer the actual question... You are not being insensitive, he is being a dbag!

tafft1

You are not being too sensitive , he is being overbearing and cruel in my eyes. My best friend was in a relationship with a guy for nearly 4 years with the same type of person you describe and she was about the same as you and she was never good enough. i had to convince her one day this was not healthy and her self esteem hit rock bottom and got her to leave him. Im not saying to throw in the towel but take a good hard look at the whole situation - can you or do you want to be with someone that is that obsessed with your looks vs the relationship you share between you two ? Its not an easy thing to answer and no dont expect him to change i agree..i hope this works out in a positive way but you dont deserve such treatment , if he was worried about your health thats one thing , he is just being a jerk and if he finds worth in looks then he is the one that needs to lose the fat in his head.Being happy with the way you look is great , you should be and props to you for not feeling like you have to fit into a mold that isnt you..i just wish more people could respect that and be happy with ourselves.

noelle24

RUN, FOREST, RUN! Dear lord, I'm 5"7 and my goal weight right now is 155/160.  It's where my body is happiest. Your BF is a douchebag, and this is starting to sound like emotional abuse.  He's ragging on you about your weight, and then when you get JUSTIFIABLY upset, he blames it on you instead of him.He won't change, and do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way? What happens when you have a kid?Jesus, anyone that into looks is freakin' shallow. It's not like you are at an *unhealthy* weight right now.  I weighed the heaviest I've ever been about 1.5 months ago.  My FI still told me all the time how beautiful I was.  You want to know what his response was when I told him I wanted to lose weight? "If it will make you happier, then I'll support you 100%. But you know that I think you are gorgeous no matter how much you weigh."THAT is what you deserve in a BF.  Not the crap you're being fed right now.  

mermadison

Sorry kiddo. For your height and weight, you ARE overweight. I know this because I'm in the exact same place you are, even down to the body fat percentage. Our fat % IS too high for our age. I don't know if you'll read this or care, because yes, your feelings were hurt. However, it seems to me that if you were honestly comfortable with yourself, his words wouldn't bother as much. That being said, I am always a fan of communication, no matter how hard it is. Try saying "hunny, what is it exactly about my weight that bothers you". Be prepared to get your feelings hurt a little. It may be a physical thing, it may be that he is concerned about your health, or it could very well be that since your self-esteem is suffering, he is noticing that you aren't as confident as usual. HTH.

mermadison

Sorry, I realized that I combined information from OP and from a PP. It's early, bah.

cath3888

I think your BF is a jerk.  When I started dating my BF I was in my mid 140s (I'm 5'5).  That's where my body is normally.  When I got my wisdom teeth out and could only consume liquids for 3 weeks I didn't get below mid 130s and I looked SICK...it's just the way I'm built.  Since I've been dating BF (2 years) I've put on about 15 pounds.  I'm now at 160.  Yes, I liked the way I looked better at 145, but BF has never said ANYTHING negative about my weight gain...even when I specifically asked his opinion.He loves me just the way I am...and that's how it should be.  I know if I gained 150 pounds, he'd still love me.This guy sounds like an image-obsessed a**hole.  What if you end up marrying him and having babies?  Do you want to be given sh*t for months on end until you lose all your baby weight?  He should love you for YOU...no matter if you're fat, skinny, or lose a limb!  Tell him to go pound sand...and DTMFA.

noelle24

Seriously, mermaidson? OP's BMI is 25.8... a whole 0.8 into the "overweight" category.  That harly necessitates constant nagging from the BF.  It sounds like has more do with the fact that he wants a ripped, gym-rat girlfriend than anything else. And the BMI is not exactly an accurate scale anyway. I have a very large frame, and if I go down past a BMI of 24.5, I start to look too skinny.  If OP is eating healthily most of time and getting moderate exercise 3x a week, where is the need to nag? ESPECIALLY if it is making her self-consicious and lower her self-esteem.  If her BF is *REALLY* only concerned about her health, his response to "this upsets me" wouldn't be "suck it up", it would be "I'm sorry, I just want to make sure that you are staying healthy!"

Acrosthec

Noelle, Mermadison said she mixed up the OP with a different PP.  She already apologized. 

noelle24

She was mixing up the height and weight from the OP with the body fat % of a PP.  Maybe she doesn't think that height and weight is "overweight" without the body fat % thrown in, but that's not how I read it. In any case, I still think that BF's a douche for telling the OP to stop being so sensitive.  Who doesn't care that they're hurting someone they love?

Acrosthec

I agree with you 110% on that last part.

SarahPLiz

With height and weight you can only calculate BMI, which has been proven to not really indicate anything concrete. It is possible to be 5'6" and 160 lbs and have any number of body fat percentages. Height and weight are only numbers if not used in the right context. The last time I weighed as much as I do now, I was wearing a size 16 pant. Now I am the same weight and I am in an 8/10, depending on the cut. That means that I am now a whole lot more muscle and a whole lot healthier than the last time I was at this weight. There are so many more useful indicators of health, such as lung capacity, VO2Max, and physical fitness.

mermadison

No one is debating the the bf is a douchecock. The only point I am trying to make is that if you are HONESTLY happy with yourself and your SO makes jerky comments, you either tell him to cut that sh!t out or you leave him. You don't sad-eat.

my2geldings

I hope you read all the posts on here, some really great replies. I think he's being very inconsiderate. I think what matters is how you feel about yourself. You have to be happy with yourself, and if you are that wonderful. It's the only that should matter. The sad truth(and it has been posted above a few times), is that someone who has the type of behavior where they see it ok to make remarks like that, will not change. He should be there for you and accept you for who you are and with acting that way, he isn't. With time it's really goign to affect you.I was born with a condition where I have had to have 13 different surgeries, 4 of which were to reconstruct my pelvis. I have about 50 inches worth of incisional scars. Tho it's not a weight issue, the boyfriend regularly makes me feel like I am the most beautiful women. He will say things that are ever so caring and loving. He always makes me feel like a million bucks. Make sure that you what you do is for you. Do not take anything less than what you deserve. If he isn't happy with that, then he's going to have to move on and find someone who will take his abuse. Tuff situation, not sure what else to tell you. Good luck

Creyo

Sorry. They temporarily took away my computer at work today for another user, and that's normally where I check everything on this website. I read the posts. I feel better that I'm not being just too emotional. He's really not a jerk, he just is more motivated by appearances than I am. I wouldn't care if he were his 140 lbs or 240. Then again, maybe that is because I'm the one that weighs more. lol. Thanks for the replies. I'll stick to my guns if he brings it up again, which I think he will. Same with some other stuff that I'm sure is along the same category. (boob implants. ick) If we can get past appearance stuff the rest of the relationship is awesome.

Button5807

I think you're missing the point of what everyone is saying.The boob job thing is another HUGE red flag. This guy shouldn't be talking to you about your appearance like that. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and possibly offend you, but maybe this needs to circulate in your brain for a bit. It could be very possible that he's already damaged your self esteem enough that you're sticking around because you're convinced no one else would want you, which would mean that you're left to make excuses and justify his behavior so you still think the relationship is a good one.Anytime you have to say "but aside from that the relationship is great" you might want look at the situation closer.

noelle24

(boob implants. ick)Someone please, PLEASE tell me that this is MUD.Seriously? How can you stand to be with someone THAT shallow? Do you have no respect for yourself?Trust me, a six pack of abs does not guarantee a happy relationship or a GOOD person.

Button5807

I wasn't drinking I would agree 100% with everything Jeana just said.

sapphirebaby926

[i]If we can get past appearance stuff the rest of the relationship is awesome. [/i] This really bothers me - any time someone says 'Our relationship is great except for x' is a huge red flag for me. That means there is a problem and it likely comes up often so really how good can the relationship be? If he doesn't love you for who you are he isn't worth your time - I dated someone years ago that tried to pull the weight thing on me and I decided the time I spent upset and crying about it and working too hard to change something that wasn't wrong wasn't worth it in the end. Please take some time and really evaluate everything everyone has said here - you deserve better than someone putting you down all the time and then making you feel bad when you get upset about it.

Goldlie11

I looked up the weight chart and it says that you are slightly overweight. However, most doctors say it is okay to be slightly over what the chart says is normal. My problem is that your bf is obsessed with appearances. My bf is very overweight. He still looks good to me. I am however worried about his health and mine (we both have family histories of diabetes). I told him my concerns and he agreed that we have to lose weight. So far, he's been losing weight. I'm on WW and I've been losing weight too. The moral is that his motivation for wanting you to lose is all wrong.

stressfreeBride2be

Boob implants???  Sounds like he's trying to 'mold you' into what he wants his SO to look like.  You're not a living doll for him to ticker with and tweak as he sees fit...