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Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...

http://www.forbes.com/sites/helaineolen/2012/05/21/mark-zuckerberg-and-priscilla-chan-strike-a-blow-against-the-wedding-industrial-complex/

What do you think about at home weddings? What about the idea that celebrity weddings have a 'trickle down' effect for the rest of us? What part of our emotions does the "wedding as fantasy" play on? Do you think the 'wedding industrial complex' helps contribute to unrealistic thoughts of marriage or contributes to the high divorce rate? What pressure (if any) do you feel/did you feel to push the limits of you budget?

I often think of my grandparents, both sets married in small afternoon weekday ceremonies, one in church, one at the courthouse. Both my grandma's wore smart white suits, had no bridal party, no bouquet and a simple open house reception with family and friends. Both sets joyfully (and I would assume some times not so joyfully) made it 50+ years before death parted them. I wonder what they would think about all the stress brides (and grooms) put themselves through to have a "perfect day". I hope when BF and I are at that stage we can keep them in mind as an example. 



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Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    What do you think about at home weddings?
    I love the idea of at home weddings, especially if you have a gorgeous home.

    What about the idea that celebrity weddings have a 'trickle down' effect for the rest of us?
    I have no doubt that they do. Celebrities set trends with pretty much everything they do, I don't think weddings are any different.

    What part of our emotions does the "wedding as fantasy" play on?

    I think it plays on the idea that the wedding is the most important day of a person's life. If you believe that then of course you are going to go crazy trying to make it perfect - even if that means going in to debt, being a horrible friend, being rude, or any number of ridiculous thing we see people post about on this site.

    Do you think the 'wedding industrial complex' helps contribute to unrealistic thoughts of marriage or contributes to the high divorce rate?
    No. I think there are other societal factors that contribute more to that.

    What pressure (if any) do you feel/did you feel to push the limits of you budget?

    Since I'm not engaged yet I can't answer this one!

    ETA: I think Zukerberg's wedding sounds lovely.


  • msuprincess04msuprincess04
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    edited May 2012
    My parents had the big formal affair at a cathedral and the whole deal. But, the more time I spend on this board, the more I realize how silly the entire thing is. How selfish and stupid people get while desperately trying to create their "fantasy" and the perfect pictures. Who treats family and friends like dirt so they get the perfect wp and perfect pictures? Really? I'll pass. Which is why we'll likely elope in the Carribean. Or invite family and a few friends. Then we'll throw a big bbq at home for people without passports or the ability to join us. Either way, there will be partying involved. And that's what's important to us.

    Edit:
    And to answer your original questions. I think home weddings are awesome if you have the home for it. My parents have a big back yard and I would still consider a wedding there with the woodsy background if I was more of a woodsy person. I think celebrities have beautiful weddings because they have the means to. But it's so easy to take their ideas and translate into one's own budget. Of course, there are some celeb wedding trends I wish never were, like Kim's head thingy. I also agree the wedding pressure come from girls being mean to girls, and people caving to the wrong kind of pressure. You need to be firm in who you are as a couple and what you see for your day and ignore the rest. And ignore those silly wedding books that say you can kick a bm out for a tattoo or weight gain.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • What do you think about at home weddings?
    I think it's a really nice idea, pretty low key and about celebrating the couple not some huge fancy party.  Some friends of mine just this weekend were saying they are waiting to buy a house and just plan to do a backyard reception. 
    What about the idea that celebrity weddings have a 'trickle down' effect for the rest of us?
    Hopefully this idea catches on, I don't see why people feel the need to spend so much money on just one day. It can be just as fun, and you are there to celebrate the couple.  I don't have a backyard to do this with though.
    What part of our emotions does the "wedding as fantasy" play on?
    It plays on the fact that this is supposed to be one of the most important days of your life and that everything about this day is supposed to be perfect.  So I guess couples feel the need to go all out so to speak. and make it a grand celebration.  I get that you should celebrate this day, but at the end of the day you are still married whethere you spend $5 or $50,000 on your wedding. Spending $50,000 on your wedding won't insure your marriage goes well or that it won't end in divorce.

    Do you think the 'wedding industrial complex' helps contribute to unrealistic thoughts of marriage or contributes to the high divorce rate? Not really sure, no matter how much money you spend on the wedding it won't insure you will be happy or that things will work out forever.  It seems the whole wedding industry focuses more on this one day than the many years that follow.

    What pressure (if any) do you feel/did you feel to push the limits of you budget?
    Not engaged so I'm not planning. 

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  • I don't know about the backyard wedding trickling down. I mean, if I had a $7 million home in Palo Alto, I might have a backyard wedding, too, but I only have a teeny tiny balcony. I suppose my parents' yard would have worked if we only wanted to invite 20 people.

    They also comment on Priscilla Chen's dress not being all that expensive (*cough* it was about 9x the cost of mine), but I've read other interviews with friends that said she didn't consider his money hers.

    To answer the questions:
    What do you think about at home weddings?
    They're great if you have enough room or few enough guests.

    What about the idea that celebrity weddings have a 'trickle down' effect for the rest of us?
    I agree with Beth. Some trends definitely come from celebrities, but I don't know about at home weddings for most of us.

    What part of our emotions does the "wedding as fantasy" play on?

    I think it's something society and media have told women they need to have. It's your one day to be a princess.

    Do you think the 'wedding industrial complex' helps contribute to unrealistic thoughts of marriage or contributes to the high divorce rate?
    I think seeing things like celebrities who get married and divorced at the drop of a hat contributes more. The wedding industrial complex is what makes people think they need to spend ridiculous amounts of money.

    What pressure (if any) do you feel/did you feel to push the limits of you budget?

    We came in under budget. I am a bargain shopper and was not going to go over. However, the budget was more than I thought it would be years ago (because I had no idea what weddings cost in my area). Could I have done something cheaper? You bet, but we agreed on a budget and stuck to it.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    I don't know about the backyard wedding trickling down. I mean, if I had a $7 million home in Palo Alto, I might have a backyard wedding, too, but I only have a teeny tiny balcony. I suppose my parents' yard would have worked if we only wanted to invite 20 people.
    Posted by leia1979
    Agreed.

    Also, I don't really think Zukerberg is the right type of celebrity for this wedding to have the same sort of trickle down effect as say the Royal Wedding or the Kardashians. People know who he is but it's not the same as some celebrities who have almost a cult sort of following.


  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC
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    I find it really obnoxious that they had a surprise wedding.
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  • In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    I find it really obnoxious that they had a surprise wedding.
    Posted by peekaboo2011
    II agree.  don't know if obnoxious is the word. I would be annoyed if I was invited to what I thought was a graduation party that turned out to be a wedding.

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  • Ollie08Ollie08 Central FL
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    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    I find it really obnoxious that they had a surprise wedding.
    Posted by peekaboo2011
    Why?

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  • Elle1036Elle1036
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    edited May 2012
    I don't get it. Famous musician plus 5K dress does not equal low key wedding. Just because they didn't spend money on a venue doesn't mean they didn't spend money.
  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC
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    What do you think about at home weddings?
    If that's your thing, go for it.  It's not me, I will never have one.

    What about the idea that celebrity weddings have a 'trickle down' effect for the rest of us?

    If you let it, it will effect you.  But again, it depends on who you are as a person and what you want.

    What part of our emotions does the "wedding as fantasy" play on?

    I don't buy  into this.  There's always an ideal.  But if you keep your feet on the ground, I don't think it has an effect.

    Do you think the 'wedding industrial complex' helps contribute to unrealistic thoughts of marriage or contributes to the high divorce rate?
    No.

    What pressure (if any) do you feel/did you feel to push the limits of you budget?

    Not engaged.  But I do think that there will be pressure just from where we live and what both of us like (if we get engaged).  DC is definitely not an easy place to have a cheap wedding.
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC
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    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this... : Why?
    Posted by Ollie08
    Because I find the concept of surprise weddings to be tacky, classless and disrespectful to your guests.
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  • In Response to Re:Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    Because I find the concept of surprise weddings to be tacky, classless and disrespectful to your guests. Posted by peekaboo2011
    The surprise wedding thing doesn't bother me at all. Having been inundated with opinions from every twig on the family tree during my own planning process, I understand the desire to keep people in the dark as long as possible. I can only imagine how much worse the planning is for a celebrity. The obvious slant of the article does bother me, though. I'm actually really annoyed by it.
  • In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this... : Because I find the concept of surprise weddings to be tacky, classless and disrespectful to your guests.
    Posted by peekaboo2011
    I respectfully disagree. A wedding is a party for friends and family. It's a celebration of love. It's 10 minutes out of a day to exchange rings and sign a piece of paper. Whether it's a black tie event at a cathedral or a back yard party, it's no different. And I wouldn't be less happy for them because they decided to share their wedding day with me on the day I was going to be there anyway.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • In Response to Re:Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    In Response to Re:Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...: The surprise wedding thing doesn't bother me at all. Having been inundated with opinions from every twig on the family tree during my own planning process, I understand the desire to keep people in the dark as long as possible. I can only imagine how much worse the planning is for a celebrity. The obvious slant of the article does bother me, though. I'm actually really annoyed by it.
    Posted by Elle1036
    What about the slant bothers you? 



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  • Ollie08Ollie08 Central FL
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    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this... : Because I find the concept of surprise weddings to be tacky, classless and disrespectful to your guests.
    Posted by peekaboo2011
    This doesn't bother me at all. Not in the least. Then again, I'm kind of with Elle on the whole hind-sight thing. I've been married once before and have joked with J about having a surprise wedding this time around. As a guest, I would actually love it. I'm not sure why it would be tacky, classless or disrespectful. If anything, I find it the opposite because I haven't been invited to every single pre-wedding party with the assumption that I'm supposed to get you something.

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  • Eh, to each their own.  I probably wouldn't want an at home wedding, but I can understand people doing it who have a crazy nice back yard.
  • Elle1036Elle1036
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    edited May 2012
    In Response to Re:Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:What about the slant bothers you?nbsp; Posted by lennonkdc I thought I expressed it pretty clearly in my first post. The article seems to say that Mark and Priscilla had a simple low key affair and thumbed their noses at the wedding industry, but that's really not true. They spent plenty of money. They just didn't have to rent a space to do it. ETA: this mobile site sucks.
  • I understand why they did a surprise wedding (because look at all the media coverage after the fact, if it got leaked before-hand, it could've been a mess).  But that is definitely not a problem the average person has to deal with, so I find them sort of rude otherwise.

    My reasoning is this:  Say I had existing plans, for example, a weekend camping trip or something.  And then afterwards, I got an invite for a graduation party (or just a BBQ, which is normally what you see on TK).  I probably wouldn't cancel my existing plans for something like that, and then I'd come back to find out that I missed seeing a friend get married?  I'd be pretty disappointed because If I'd been told it was a wedding, I would have prioritized differently.
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC
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    Except I'd be really upset if I found out about it later.  You don't have to have the huge hullabaloo that comes with a wedding, but as a guest, I do expect to be informed of the correct purpose of the party.  Graduation party doesn't rank as high on my list of priorities as a wedding does.
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  • In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this... : This doesn't bother me at all. Not in the least. Then again, I'm kind of with Elle on the whole hind-sight thing. I've been married once before and have joked with J about having a surprise wedding this time around. As a guest, I would actually love it. I'm not sure why it would be tacky, classless or disrespectful. If anything, I find it the opposite because I haven't been invited to every single pre-wedding party with the assumption that I'm supposed to get you something.
    Posted by Ollie08
    The bolded part 100%. I've never been married, but on the occasions that BF and I talk about weddings, we often toy with the idea of a court house wedding then just calling all our friends over for a party that night and then giving them the good news. 

    In the end, I think that if you have the money to spend and want to spend it on a wedding- go for it. I mean, its not like Zuckerburg didn't splurge- Billy Joe Armstong's not a cheap act. 

    But for those that don't have it, or don't want to spend it, I feel like there is this whole thought process of 'whats wrong with this person- don't they understand how important this day is and if you don't have chair covers your marriage will be a sham!!!' 



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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this... : The bolded part 100%. I've never been married, but on the occasions that BF and I talk about weddings, we often toy with the idea of a court house wedding then just calling all our friends over for a party that night and then giving them the good news.  In the end, I think that if you have the money to spend and want to spend it on a wedding- go for it. I mean, its not like Zuckerburg didn't splurge- Billy Joe Armstong's not a cheap act.  But for those that don't have it, or don't want to spend it, I feel like there is this whole thought process of 'whats wrong with this person- don't they understand how important this day is and if you don't have chair covers your marriage will be a sham!!!' 
    Posted by lennonkdc
    Didn't you know? Having chair covers at your wedding makes for a solid marriage!


  • What do you think about at home weddings?
    I like the idea of at home weddings. My dad and stepmom were married in a friend's landscaped backyard followed by a buffet style brunch. It cost them very little, but was very elegent. I'm also attending a wedding later this year that will be in the bride's family's backyard. I love the idea over dealing with coordinators at other venues.

    What about the idea that celebrity weddings have a 'trickle down' effect for the rest of us?
    I'm sure they do for some. I wouldn't say the idea of getting married in the backyard is something new. Although Father of the Bride did make me love the idea of an at home wedding once upon a time. 
     
    As for the whole "surprise! you're at our wedding" thing, I kept thinking of Parks and Recreation :)

    What part of our emotions does the "wedding as fantasy" play on? 

    I hate that so many people (myself included at my first wedding) are pulled into the whole idea that it's the most importiant day of your life. No, every day after the party that you have to make a marriage work, day in and day out, is much more importiant IMO.

    Do you think the 'wedding industrial complex' helps contribute to unrealistic thoughts of marriage or contributes to the high divorce rate?
    I think it can lead people to think more about the big awesome party they are planning to celebrate the "most importiant day" of their lives than what marriage actually entails. That can't help in addition to all the other societal factors in play.

    What pressure (if any) do you feel/did you feel to push the limits of you budget?

    While planning my first wedding, I was highly pressured to keep spending. My ex's family was very well off and had recently spent over 60k on his sister's wedding. I was working with a much smaller budget, doing a lot of diy projects, etc. His mother and sister in particular would stick their noses up at me and make comments like "how quaint." 

    My current BF and I aren't even engaged yet and he's all hyped up on wedding stuff. I have a feeling I'll have to reel him in quite a bit once we're engaged and planning actually starts. 
  • In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this... : Didn't you know? Having chair covers at your wedding makes for a solid marriage!
    Posted by bethsmiles
    Well then my marriage will be a sham b/c I would rather serve good booze then have chair covers :)



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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this... : Well then my marriage will be a sham b/c I would rather serve good booze then have chair covers :)
    Posted by lennonkdc
    Haha...I don't even like the look of chair covers.


  • In Response to Re:Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    In Response to Re:Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:What about the slant bothers you?nbsp; Posted by lennonkdc I thought I expressed it pretty clearly in my first post. The article seems to say that Mark and Priscilla had a simple low key affair and thumbed their noses at the wedding industry, but that's really not true. They spent plenty of money. They just didn't have to rent a space to do it. ETA: this mobile site sucks.
    Posted by Elle1036
    Sorry reading comprehension fail on my part. 

    I totally get what you are saying, but I guess I saw the slant as more focused on the fact that they could have spent so much more, but chose not to. Maybe that's what should trickle down, the idea of finical restraint and not giving into the pressure to spend spend spend. 



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  • Ollie08Ollie08 Central FL
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    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    In Response to Re: Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this... : Didn't you know? Having chair covers at your wedding makes for a solid marriage!
    Posted by bethsmiles
    Pshhh tell that to my XH, we had chair covers at our wedding and the marriage lasted 13 months!

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  • Ollie08Ollie08 Central FL
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    In Response to Re:Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    ETA: this mobile site sucks.
    Posted by Elle1036
    Seriously. My mobile is still stuck showing posts from Saturday only. WTF?

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  • What do you think about at home weddings?
    If you have the space and a small guest list, i'm all for them! I think a backyard wedding can be wonderful...but it can also turn into a lot of stress for the bride and groom. If you have a lot of help, go for it!

    What about the idea that celebrity weddings have a 'trickle down' effect for the rest of us?
    I don't care what celebrities are doing. Personally i've never been interested in that sort of thing. I'm sure it does have an effect on the wedding industry though.

    What part of our emotions does the "wedding as fantasy" play on?
    I think every girl wants their own special day. What is "special" about the day can be completely unique to each girl though! I think huge, dreamed up weddings sometimes set a standard that makes women feel they have to live up to expectations. That's bologna! It's your day. As long as you and your guy are married at the end of it all, who cares how your personalize everything.

    Do you think the 'wedding industrial complex' helps contribute to unrealistic thoughts of marriage or contributes to the high divorce rate?
    I believe some women get so caught up in getting married that they lose sight of their relationship...or force feelings that aren't there to achieve a means to an end. There are many reasons for divorce though, so I don't think you can blame the wedding industry.

    What pressure (if any) do you feel/did you feel to push the limits of you budget?
    I am feeling the pressure right now!!! FI and I would love to have a small destination or backyard wedding. Honestly it's all we want. I think a lot of pressure comes from other family members though. FMIL really wants to be able to invite everyone under the sun. I'd love to accommodate her, but it only leaves us with 2 options: a. increase our budget, b. cut the guest list and don't invite our own friends. It's difficult to make decisions you truly want when you risk upsetting family over it. I think brides and grooms feel pressure from all sorts of angles...not just the wedding industry.

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  • In Response to Re:Its pretty dead here, so lets talk about this...:
    I don't get it. Famous musician plus 5K dress does not equal low key wedding. Just because they didn't spend money on a venue doesn't mean they didn't spend money.
    Posted by Elle1036
    Heck. you could say they spent $7 million on the venue. They just get to keep it.
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