Can I just rant for a second

luvdncn90

BF and I were introduced through mutual friends of ours. His best friend happened to be dating one of my close friends and they hooked us up. Ever since BF and I started dating it felt like they were always trying to compare our relationship to theirs, it felt like it was turning into a competion about whose relationship was better. BF's best friend even told him that he should make a list of rules for me and that I didn't love him because I didn't move to be closer to BF because I decided to finish school first. Yes, they are a verrry mature couple.

Needless to say my close friend and I had a huge falling out after her now husband called me up one night and called me a bitch and told me I was a bad friend for inviting her out to a party with a bunch of friends of ours, and she said nothing. (He later aplologized to me and to BF for all of the things that he had said and done and vice versa) Well, this was about two-ish years ago. BF and his friend have tried to stay close but because of all of the stuff that he said to me NF decided it was best to not be friends and also because of the resentment and anger between her and I it was almost impossible for them to be friends.

I finally got sick of all of the petty drama and snide comments she would make and decided to apologizeto her for the past and all of the stuff that happened between us. Not because I wanted her and I to be friends again, I doubt that will ever happen, but because BF and his friend have been able to repair their friendship and are now getting close again. We are now civil and although we don't talk often when we do it's a bit awkward but mostly it's fine. But, I still feel like there is animosity between her and I. She will make these snide comments that I just feel like are directed towards me. It's starting to bug me.

Am I just being overdramatic? I don't want to say anything to her because she is very dramatic and it will just start more problems and I don't want BF and his friend to have to stop being friends again because she is very controlling of her now husband and will bug him about it constantly.

Please just talk me down and tell me I am being dumb and need to get over it. Flame away ladies, I need it.

calindi

You're definitely not being dumb for being annoyed, and you're certainly justified in not wanting to rekindle a friendship.  Toxic friends aren't worth it at all!

That said, I'd say be the bigger person and ignore the snide comments.  A couple that needs to "compete" with another couple clearly has their own insecurities.  I'd just let it go and try not to spend too much time with her (or any time with her at all - let your BF hang out with his friend on their own).

luvdncn90

Thanks for the advice Calindi! I usually just ignore her but lately it's getting more blatantly obvious. I never hang out with her and haven't seen her for months now. If Bf wants to hang out with his friend though, I tell him to say hi for me and have a good time. I always try to be the bigger person and will continue doing so. They do have a lot of issues and I just ignore her.

desertsun

Can you give some examples of comments she's made? I think that will help me better advise you.

luvdncn90

I had posted some pictures of me and BF messing around with the webcam and I guess her husband had posted some pictures of them like that a few weeks before (Him and I are FB friends, but I never look at their stuff because I have no desire to) and she made a comment that she would rather fail being original then succeed in imitation like seriously five minutes after I had posted those pictures. It just seemed like it was directed towards me.

She made a comment that "Love is when you're willing to scrifice your own dreams for someone elses" which I felt was directed towards me because BF and I had decided that I was going to stay in WY to finish up school instead of moving to where he lived to be with him. His friend had also made a comment a few days  before she said that to BF, saying that "I must not love him because I wasn't willing to move to be with him"

To me it feels like she is making these snarky little comments, but who knows I may just be overexaggerating it all and may just be in my head.

calindi

Well, it seems like she *might* be passive aggressive with those comments, or you might be sensitive.  There's no way to really know, but my personal belief is that if someone isn't going to bring an issue to my attention, it's not my job to drag it out of them.  So whether or not she's being passive aggressive, if I were in your shoes I'd choose to be the bigger person and ignore her.  And put her on "Limited Profile" on Facebook, and click "Hide" for all her posts.  Unfriending her will likely cause more drama but there's really no reason you need to keep this woman in your day-to-day life if she's getting under your skin like that.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-just-rant-second?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:52d4ce57-876e-4d4b-9216-fefdaf114e5dPost:b572a96e-77b7-4d3f-b75d-a41818f4dc92">Re: Can I just rant for a second</a>:
[QUOTE]I had posted some pictures of me and BF messing around with the webcam and I guess her husband had posted some pictures of them like that a few weeks before (Him and I are FB friends, but I never look at their stuff because I have no desire to) and she made a comment that she would rather fail being original then succeed in imitation like seriously five minutes after I had posted those pictures. It just seemed like it was directed towards me. She made a comment that "Love is when you're willing to scrifice your own dreams for someone elses" which I felt was directed towards me because BF and I had decided that I was going to stay in WY to finish up school instead of moving to where he lived to be with him. His friend had also made a comment a few days  before she said that to BF, saying that "I must not love him because I wasn't willing to move to be with him" To me it feels like she is making these snarky little comments, but who knows I may just be overexaggerating it all and may just be in my head.
Posted by luvdncn90[/QUOTE]

If things like this keep happening, where you *feel* like she might be talking about you, but you just can't be sure, I'd say yes, she probably is talking about you. One or two incidences is one thing; continued "coincidences" become not a coincidence anymore, especially if you get that competitive feeling from her in person as well. In this particular case, I agree with you, and I think you should go with your gut. If you don't feel like you're getting anything out of the friendship, you don't have to hang out with her. I agree with Cate; limit what she can see on your FB, and hide her posts from your feed as well. She might keep posting stupid stuff, but you can't control that, so don't give her the power to affect you with it. Good luck...

desertsun

Agree with Cate. Hide her from your feed. Let your BF know that your relationship and your choices are not between you and him, and should not be discussed with this couple. And seriously, how RIDICULOUS is it to say that love is sacrificing your dreams for another? I don't call that love. I call it unhealthy.

Do you have much contact outside facebook?

luvdncn90

I usually just ignore her. We use to be so close before all of this happened. And all of the things that happened in the past few years have made it almost impossible for us to be friends again.

The sad thing is, I would love to be able to get over all of this and be friends again because we were so close and I have it in my heart to forget the past and forgive her but it's so obvious that even though she says she's over the past, she clearly is not. I have tried being friends again but I get the feeling from her that she doesn't want to be close like we use to be, so i stopped trying.

Her "best friend" and her had this huge falling out because she constantly was dtiching her best friend for her husband and then her best friend backed out of being her MOH because of money and she was unable to attend the wedding because of location. I am friends with her "best friend" and her friend talks so much crap about her behind her back it is ridiculous. She told me that she thought their wedding looked cheap and was saying all of these rude and nasty comments and then being nice to her face (I'm not very close with this girl anymore because I strongly disagree with her actions). It upsets me because she was so willing to forgive her best friend, who still is fake behind her back, but I was sincere and really wanedt to repair the friendship and she still seems so unwilling to get over the past.

No matter how hard I try to just ignore her and have nothing to do with her it is super hard because her husband is BF's best friend. And I know that as long as BF and him are friends, they are always going to have at least a little part in our lives. I would never dream of telling BF that he can't be friends with this guy simplky because her and I no longer get along.

You all have great advice, I am just going to hide her and limit what she can see on my page.

 Calindi- you are totally right. Deleting her would cause even more drama.

luvdncn90

Desert- He no longer dicusses our realtionship with he friend, and if the conversation turns to personal BF will casually change the subject. It is none of their business about our affairs and vice versa. Luckily, I do not have much contact with her since I live in WY for school and her and her husband live in CO. Every once in a while she will text me asking for hair advice but that's about it.

But BF has told me that when we decide to get married he wants his friend to be his best man, I'm hoping he'll change his mind when we do decide to get married but if things stay the same then I will have more contact with her.

ETA: Sorry for my long posts. This has just been a very upsetting and drawn out ordeal and I am coming to my wit's end with it all.

desertsun

I personally tend to deal with this kind of conflict by just hauling it out in the open. I don't really sit back and be polite when I think someone's being disrespectful or hurtful to me.

But I think you need to carefully and honestly consider whether you want this person in your life. Even if you had a good friendship in the past, do you think, knowing what you know about how she behaves NOW, that she'd be a good friend who'd make your life better? Could you trust her? Would you be able to relate to her on what's important in life? And base all of your answers on what you know of how she is now, and assume that she's able to move past the past issues.