Friday night/KUI?

becunning2

I wish I could add pics on my phone. I have a crazy adorable one of my cat with his paw on my knee and passed out on my computer.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:7ddac7d1-c2bf-4c03-a89b-3dcb1e4046aa">Re: Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friday night/KUI? : I'd do it in a heartbeat if he'd agree to it. He will not...for himself or for us as a couple. This is the same guy who won't go to a doctor. Yup. 
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

:(

What is with all this male aversion to counseling?!

becunning2

Liv, my bf won't go to the doc either. Or take Tylenol.

suzie211

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:8d5bff35-8b15-406f-b712-5acba5aaebbc">Re: Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friday night/KUI? : Ummm...I'm OKish. Mo and I had a talk two nights ago and I was able to express some of my hurts and issues and he heard some of them and responded that he wants to try to work on them and wants me to feel loved and secure and whatever. So that's for sure a start, but I don't know that I can say I feel confident any longer that our needs are the same and that this relationship will provide me with the fulfillment I require for a lifetime of happiness. And that pretty much breaks my heart. So I guess I'm touch and go. Some moments I think it seems so clear that this just isn't working, even though I love him so much. Other moments I think, no, he really wants to work on this and this can change. I am just so, so confused. I pretty much cry at the drop of a hat. Sorry, I'm longwinded. And confused.
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

I'm so sorry things are complicated right now.  You seem like an amazing woman that deserves nothing but happiness.  *Hugs*  And good thoughts that you end up where you're the happiest.

Peaseblossom55

I'm so sorry Liv your relationship is this upsetting.   I had no idea.  Hopefully you guys can talk more and figure out that hopefully you guys are heading on the same path and do want the same things.

K Everdeen12

Ugh Liv I'm sorry.  I don't even know what to say because I just don't know how to make you feel better.  Same to you, becunning.  Internet hugs to both of you.  (Liv, you know I don't do internet hugs.  This is big - for me, anyway.) 

I would also like for FI and I to go to counseling (nothing serious, just communication issues and the like - things I want to make as close to perfect before we're married) and most of the time he just says no.  Sometimes, when he knows it's bad, he'll agree to it.  Our personalities bring some inherent problems into the relationship and make it harder than it would be for people who aren't the two most stubborn people in the world, for example.

He also won't take Advil or heartburn medicine, unless he's absolutely miserable.  

becunning2

Liv, it sounded like you two had a good eye opening convo. I hope it's the first of many that leads to you two getting what you need.

bethsmiles

It is so weird to me that many of your SOs don't go to the doctor.

becunning2

It's weird to me he won't take tylenol when his head hurts.

Peaseblossom55

My BF hasn't gone to the dentist in years... that bothers me.  BF will go to the doctor only if he is really sick.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:73f39499-250d-4f6e-b33f-4b0c655532f2">Re: Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friday night/KUI? : It just sort of turned to the crying part today...likely because I have some alone time and I'm able to just sort of let go a little bit.  I love Mo. Dearly. I think he loves me to the best, BEST of his capability. But I don't know if his capability is good enough for me in the long run. I told him that one of the reasons I feel insecure in our relationship (aside from the obvious of that he WON'T FREAKING COMMIT TO ME AFTER 3.5 YEARS) is that he is really not demonstrative about affection. Like, at all. And is not one to tell me reasons why he loves me, or be complimentary, or say sweet things. During our discussion, when I brought that up, he in all seriousness said that he told me the reasons why he loved me at the beginning of our relationship so he didn't think that I needed to hear them again. He wasn't trying to be mean. He just didn't get it. And he said he doesn't need for me to tell him why I love him, or even THAT I love him, for him to know that I do and be happy, which is why he didn't know that I needed that. I didn't realize we were so startlingly different in those ways. 
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

It took Nick 4.5 years to propose. Granted, we were only 21 when we got together, but there was still a period of about a year where I was like "holy crap, is marriage even on his radar?!"

We have different love languages, too, and it's only recently that we've really started learning how to "speak" to each other in the right ways. I wish I could tell you what exactly we did to make it better, but I don't really know. I think we just slowly gained more of an awareness of what the other needs. 

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, except to say that I honestly believe our relationship is better today than it has been at any other time, even though we went through a phase where I genuinely wasn't sure we were going to make it another day.

*hugs*

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:08a84e44-dffb-4bf6-9019-1feac2c9d458">Re:Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's weird to me he won't take tylenol when his head hurts.
Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]

I will only take it if my headache is<em><strong> really</strong></em> bad.

K Everdeen12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:e35939b1-443a-4b62-9de0-fdd7e0bbe5f3">Re: Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really appreciate everyone's support.  And yes, Katniss, I know that internet hugs are a big deal for you, so thank you for that. :) I think anyone can benefit from counseling. But that's coming from the perspective of a person who is a licensed clinical social worker and who was a counselor for years. And if you have communication issues prior to marriage they're only going to get worse with time (sans intervention), not better, so much better to get them sorted out beforehand. I hope that your FI will agree eventually for real. Cunning, yeah, the convo was definitely a good start. I still feel so unsettled -- in limbo -- but I just have to be patient I think and have to wait and see what happens for awhile and if he makes good on coming up with ways to improve things on his end like he said he would.
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

<div>I think that if I set up an appoinment, he would go.  He's definitely agreed to it before.  I just never went through with it because I think "no we can handle this."  In reality though, sometimes a little outside perspective and advice would do us a world of good.  It's been on my mind more lately, mostly because I have seen us making some improvements on our own and wonder how much more we could improve as a couple, and I think I need to commit to it.  </div><div>
</div><div>I swear, we don't suck all the time.  </div>

becunning2

No one relationship sucks all the time or we'd all be single.

K Everdeen12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:7a6b338e-0d9b-43a9-8c0a-bc8a4b7aacbd">Re: Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay you guys, I just saw the lighting of the Olympic Cauldron and I cried.  No spoilers, but it was so lovely.
Posted by hellotarra[/QUOTE]

<div>Me too.  </div>

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:ba666d9a-9d8a-43f3-b05e-7804ffadeb4f">Re: Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friday night/KUI? : It does help to hear this and I appreciate it. I do think it's somewhat different with the timeframe given that you were 21 when you got together and we were 24 and 31 respectively. More so that he is 35 now and I think he needs to start figuring out what he wants. It's good that you've gained more of an awareness of what the other needs. I really hope I'll look back at this time 50 years from now, Mo by my side, and be like, "Hey remember that time? That sucked, but it was just a blip." I just don't know.
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

I agree that it's different; I was just trying to relate to how you're feeling.

Hypothetically, if he were to propose the second he gets back into town in a couple days, would you say yes?  Or are your doubts strong enough that you would hesitate?

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:34088861-9b18-4edd-88a7-bfc03aac0f00">Re: Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friday night/KUI? : I had that too!  I honestly thought at one point I was going to break it off.  But then we had a big discussion and things got better.  He didn't propose to make it better which was good.  I would have had to turn him down.  But now we are so close.
Posted by hellotarra[/QUOTE]

I remember one day in particular when I was truthfully positive it was our last day.  I was just waiting for the right time to tell him it was over.  That seems so crazy to me now.

Peaseblossom55

Goodnite Tarra!

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:12aa2a3c-75be-40fe-b057-adf98531d2fe">Re: Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE] Yeah, I know you know it's different. Sorry. Haha. I was just trying to express my frustration that 3.5 years when he's 35 seems really freaking long. My gut says that I could not immediately say yes if he asked the second he walked in the door. And that gut reaction freaks the fuuck out of me. I feel like his NOT proposing for this long and giving me no timeline and all that has led me to this place and I honestly feel really resentful right now. But at the same time I guess I should feel semi grateful as it's forced me to really take an extremely hard look at everything and not just assume that he will stop being a lazy communicator.
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

I know we don't normally condone this type of behavior, but I would support your giving Mo an ultimatum.  You know...  an honest, mature one.  I mean, not something like "I need a ring on this finger by Christmas or I am <em>out</em>" but something like "it's only fair for me to let you know that I need this to change."

Peaseblossom55

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:12aa2a3c-75be-40fe-b057-adf98531d2fe">Re: Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friday night/KUI? : [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friday night/KUI? : I agree that it's different; I was just trying to relate to how you're feeling. Hypothetically, if he were to propose the second he gets back into town in a couple days, would you say yes?  Or are your doubts strong enough that you would hesitate? Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE Yeah, I know you know it's different. Sorry. Haha. I was just trying to express my frustration that 3.5 years when he's 35 seems really freaking long. My gut says that I could not immediately say yes if he asked the second he walked in the door. And that gut reaction freaks the fuuck out of me. I feel like his NOT proposing for this long and giving me no timeline and all that has led me to this place and I honestly feel really resentful right now. But at the same time I guess I should feel semi grateful as it's forced me to really take an extremely hard look at everything and not just assume that he will stop being a lazy communicator.
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]<div>BF is 39 and we will be together 3 yrs in Oct, so I get that frustration, of why is he waiting so long to take this next step......

</div>

becunning2

Its always better to know before a ring is on a finger. Doesn't take away the pain, but it's better. As my coworker said to me about my bf: there's things he couldve done to help before we got to this point, especially regarding the clarity of his commitment. And now, I too will turn in.

Peaseblossom55

Goodnite becunning!

suzie211

Good night becunning and Tarra!

Peaseblossom55

you back Liv goodnight!!!

On that note I'm heading off to bed too g'nite to anyone still around!!

K Everdeen12

I'm heading to bed too.  And by bed I mean couch.  FI is sprawled out on our bed.  Little does he know, my alarm is still set for 6 am.  Ha!  I'm so evil.  

Elle1036

Good night all!

suzie211

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:8c9dd6da-ceb4-480d-9cc1-e45f801c31b5">Re: Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm heading to bed too.  And by bed I mean couch.  FI is sprawled out on our bed.  Little does he know, my alarm is still set for 6 am.  Ha!  I'm so evil.  
Posted by K Everdeen12[/QUOTE]

Good night ladies!

cu97tiger

In Response to Re:Friday night/KUI?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friday night/KUI?:In Response to Re: Friday night/KUI? : I had that too! nbsp;I honestly thought at one point I was going to break it off. nbsp;But then we had a big discussion and things got better. nbsp;He didn't propose to make it better which was good. nbsp;I would have had to turn him down. nbsp;But now we are so close.Posted by hellotarraI remember one day in particular when I was truthfully positive it was our last day.nbsp; I was just waiting for the right time to tell him it was over.nbsp; That seems so crazy to me now. Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

The same thing happened with us. We had one specific issue that I thought would be our undoing. One night, in my head, I was saying 'i think we just need to move on, without each other.' Thank goodness my lips never said those words.

In your case, Liv, I support the 'reasonable ultimatum.' At their core, people will not change. So if Mo, how he is right this second, does not fulfill and uplift you, there is a good chance you two are on different pages. Let's Skype tomorrow saturday. I love you!

Vintagelove4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:7b4a19a7-16a3-40eb-a0a4-3142cde31e8d">Re: Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friday night/KUI? : I hear you.  Currently, BF likes to drunk dial me or drunk text me on his way home from the bar.  I still think its cute.  Ask me again in a few weeks when I have to share a bed with said drunko, and I can guarantee I won't think its cute anymore. 
Posted by suzie211[/QUOTE]

This made me laugh!!

Vintagelove4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friday-nightkui?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6493f1b2-52d0-4fc4-89a4-652dbfd45389Post:ee1a458e-2706-4c89-907c-5e1be2103756">Re:Friday night/KUI?</a>:
[QUOTE]Elle, I think this afternoon maybe is the last straw. But I also sent an email asking for the last time whether he'd do counseling. I am right at towel stage, but overall we have had 3.5 good years, so it's hard. I wish my apartment were avail sooner so I could figure this out with space. Tarra: 3 that sounds do cute!!!
Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry to hear about the relationship going downhill, but I'm happy for you getting a new apartment! Sending a hug your way. :)