Did you have to deal with this issue?

kelley198721

So today I went to church for the first time with BF. My cousin had invited us to her church for "Friend Day" and to be supportive, I agreed to go and asked BF to go as well. 

Now I was raised Baptist and I still consider myself a Baptist, even though I don't really go to church anymore or pray all that regularly....I guess I'm not very good at practicing my religion . 

Anyway, BF was raised Episcopalian but now he considers himself an atheist. I've known this since we first started dating and didn't really have a problem with it. I respect his beliefs and he respects mine and we both don't try to convert each other. 

The problem is, there will be times when I need to go to church and I would like BF to go with me, mainly to keep me company. And also because of my family. They don't know that he is an atheist and would greatly disapprove of him if they knew. 

I told him that I didn't expect him to change his beliefs, I just wanted him to go with me, mainly for social reasons...and now that I'm typing this out, it sounds bad. Sigh. 

Anyway, BF is fine with all this as long as we only go to church once in a while and not on a regular basis. However, I was surprised by his behavior this morning. He was not friendly and didn't smile when people introduced themselves. He was very standoffish, almost to the point of being rude. During Sunday school class, he sent me a text saying that he was having a hard time cranking his hostility back. The entire time, he just had this stone-faced expression like he did not want to be there. And after church, he said he had been so incredibly bored. 

I'm just not sure how to deal with this. Did y'all have to deal with this issue? How did you handle it? 

ETA: Sorry for the formatting issue, I typed this out on my iPad. I'm on my laptop now and trying to fix it but TK won't let me

bethsmiles

I've never dealt with this type of situation but I'll throw in my two cents anyway.

I think the first thing to do is be honest with him about how his behavior made you feel. Have an open conversation with him about any future church activities you may go to. If he really is that uncomfortable or unwilling to be there then perhaps it's better if he didn't go.

I would've been really embarrassed if my BF had acted that way around any group of people and I probably would have trouble asking him to go with me to similar things again.

Also, I don't think your BF should have to hide that he is an atheist. This is something that will come out eventually and it's probably better for it to be known sooner rather than later.

Knottie_22382049

I have never had to deal with this but I think that if going to church is something you want to do it may be something best done without your BF. Honestly you mention both church and Sunday school if this event was longer than a standard service I would be bored too. And it is can be uncomfortable for an atheist to sit through a service but that doesn't excuse him from being rude to people introducing themselves to him. Talk to him about it. 

Also I agree with Beth that you should not hide the fact that your BF is an atheist. If you are afraid of your parents reaction now imagine their reaction when you get engaged and it comes out that you are not planning a church wedding because your BF is a atheist.

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_did-you-have-to-deal-with-this-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dbda9ed0-961a-479e-9d93-894587192611Post:1962219d-5808-4b0a-9cfa-d97305609359">Re: Did you have to deal with this issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have never had to deal with this but I think that if going to church is something you want to do it may be something best done without your BF. Honestly you mention both church and Sunday school if this event was longer than a standard service I would be bored too. And it is can be uncomfortable for an atheist to sit through a service but that doesn't excuse him from being rude to people introducing themselves to him. Talk to him about it.  Also I agree with Beth that you should not hide the fact that your BF is an atheist. If you are afraid of your parents reaction now imagine their reaction when you get engaged and it comes out that you are not planning a church wedding because your BF is a atheist.
Posted by PrincessBride2016[/QUOTE]
All of this.

I would never take my fiancé to church because he doesn't want to go. He had his fill of church during his Southern Baptist upbringing and has a negative physical reaction to going to any kind of Christian service. We're both Buddhist and don't participate in organized religious services, but I represent our household whenever there's some reason we need to appear one of his family's Baptist services because I'm not as bothered by it as he is.

Why would you make him go to Sunday school? That's like... a level up in discomfort and anger if he doesn't want to be there in the first place. At least in a service, you can focus on the music or zone out during a sermon if you want to, but Sunday school is kind of intense...

kelley198721

You guys bring up good points and honestly, I do feel guilty for bringing him with me. I had no idea he would be this uncomfortable.

We did go to Sunday school which lasts roughly about an hour. Then we went to the actual service which is about an hour, maybe an hour and a half. I'm not sure, I didn't look at the time until way after we got out of church. No wonder he was antsy to get out of there.

During Sunday school and the service, I could tell he was not having a good time and he just looked so unhappy to be there. To try to cheer him up and also to hopefully make him be a bit more friendly, I kept squeezing his hand and whispering in his ear "I love you". I also kept giving him silly grins, which always make him laugh a little bit.

As far as him acting rude, I asked him about it during Sunday school when we managed to get a quick moment alone and he explained that he didn't want people to engage him in conversation.

I was confused and asked him why and he said he would explain later in the car. So after church, I asked him again and he said that he was worried that if they found out that he was a "nonbeliever", that they would try to convert him. And he just didn't want to deal with that, hence the rude and standoffish attitude.

I told him that that would not have happened. All people were doing was small talk and general stuff like "Hi, where are you from?" They wouldn't have asked him about his beliefs.

So I understood his behavior after his explanation but I did tell him that his behavior embarassed me a little bit. I said that I wished he had smiled when he shook people's hands and been more willing to engage in small talk. Once I said that, he was instantly contrite and promised that he would be much more friendly next time.

When it comes to the church wedding as PrincessBride said, I did tell him today that I wanted a Baptist ceremony but that it wouldn't be that heavy on the religion aspect. He said it was okay as long as we got to incorporate some of what he wanted and I said sure, I didn't mind that. As long as our ceremony fits both of us, we'll both be happy.

As far as the atheist thing...I know I should tell my family. I'm just dreading it because I'm sort of the black sheep in the family and as such, I try to avoid things that are out of the norm or considered wrong to my family.

It's not right though to make BF suffer for that so I don't think I will be bringing him to church anymore unless it's a special occasion like a holiday such as Easter or Christmas.

Also, sorry that I typed so much, did not mean to type a whole novel, good grief!

kelley198721

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_did-you-have-to-deal-with-this-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:dbda9ed0-961a-479e-9d93-894587192611Post:39c72d92-083d-4a4b-9fc9-b3fa4c4d7533">Re: Did you have to deal with this issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Did you have to deal with this issue? : All of this. I would never take my fiancé to church because he doesn't want to go. He had his fill of church during his Southern Baptist upbringing and has a negative physical reaction to going to any kind of Christian service. We're both Buddhist and don't participate in organized religious services, but I represent our household whenever there's some reason we need to appear one of his family's Baptist services because I'm not as bothered by it as he is. <strong>Why would you make him go to Sunday school?</strong> That's like... a level up in discomfort and anger if he doesn't want to be there in the first place. At least in a service, you can focus on the music or zone out during a sermon if you want to, but Sunday school is kind of intense...
Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

Actually, our original plan was just to go to the sermon and forego Sunday school. However, this was my cousin's church and she offered to pick us up at my apartment and we could ride in her car.

And my cousin goes to Sunday School so we either would have had to go to Sunday school with her or decline her invitation to go to both Sunday school and the sermon. I couldn't think of a polite way to say "Sorry we don't want to do Sunday school and the sermon, we just want to do the sermon instead".

I asked BF what he wanted to do and he said that we could go to Sunday school. I think he just said that to try to make me happy.

If I had known he would be that unhappy, I would have just said no to my cousin and BF and I would have slept in this morning and watched tv instead of going to church. Oh well. At least I know now for the future.

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_did-you-have-to-deal-with-this-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dbda9ed0-961a-479e-9d93-894587192611Post:8cd5c3d6-85ee-4586-b947-8c79211c8d1f">Re: Did you have to deal with this issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]So after church, I asked him again and he said that he was worried that if they found out that he was a "nonbeliever", that they would try to convert him. And he just didn't want to deal with that, hence the rude and standoffish attitude. I told him that that would not have happened. All people were doing was small talk and general stuff like "Hi, where are you from?" <strong>They wouldn't have asked him about his beliefs.</strong>
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]
I have people ask me about my beliefs all of the time, even outside of a church situation. I live in the Bible Belt where it's assumed that you're Christian. When I state that I'm Buddhist, I've had more than a few people get very standoffish with me and decide they don't want to talk to me anymore. This has happened enough times that I just don't bring up anything religious in normal conversation because I don't want that coldness and judgment from people because of my religious beliefs. Whenever asked now, I just say that I was raised Methodist and leave it at that.

I know first-hand the fear your boyfriend has, and I would not put my loved ones through that.

kelley198721

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_did-you-have-to-deal-with-this-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:dbda9ed0-961a-479e-9d93-894587192611Post:e278d14e-0b67-4c57-8715-82ced152e524">Re: Did you have to deal with this issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Did you have to deal with this issue? : I have people ask me about my beliefs all of the time, even outside of a church situation. I live in the Bible Belt where it's assumed that you're Christian. When I state that I'm Buddhist, I've had more than a few people get very standoffish with me and decide they don't want to talk to me anymore. This has happened enough times that I just don't bring up anything religious in normal conversation because I don't want that coldness and judgment from people because of my religious beliefs. Whenever asked now, I just say that I was raised Methodist and leave it at that. I know first-hand the fear your boyfriend has, and I would not put my loved ones through that.
Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

I understand but this was the type of social situation where people were literally making quick introductions. Like "Hi, how are you?" then move on to the next person.

I also live in the Bible belt but it's rare for me to get asked about my beliefs. Hmm, it could be just the area of Georgia I live in but I really don't know.

I'm just trying to picture how that conversation would get started. It seems rather abrupt for someone to ask BF "Hi, nice to meet you. So what are your beliefs/thoughts on God?"

I do love BF though and seeing him how uncomfortable he was today, I don't think I'll be dragging him to church anymore unless it's for a special occasion. And even then, I won't make him go with me. I'll ask and if he says no, I'll understand and leave it alone at that. The last thing I want to do is make BF unhappy or uncomfortable.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_did-you-have-to-deal-with-this-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dbda9ed0-961a-479e-9d93-894587192611Post:51108b30-d0e6-4ed5-832d-bfa1ca93eee8">Re: Did you have to deal with this issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Did you have to deal with this issue? : I understand but this was the type of social situation where people were literally making quick introductions. Like "Hi, how are you?" then move on to the next person. I also live in the Bible belt but it's rare for me to get asked about my beliefs. Hmm, it could be just the area of Georgia I live in but I really don't know. I'm just trying to picture how that conversation would get started. It seems rather abrupt for someone to ask BF "Hi, nice to meet you. So what are your beliefs/thoughts on God?" I do love BF though and seeing him how uncomfortable he was today, I don't think I'll be dragging him to church anymore unless it's for a special occasion. And even then, I won't make him go with me. I'll ask and if he says no, I'll understand and leave it alone at that. The last thing I want to do is make BF unhappy or uncomfortable.
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Even if it's a quick introduction, I completely understand the fear.  They ask where someone's from, why they're at church today, and then suddenly they've asked you if you normally attend church elsewhere since you're new and you're sweating bullets.  I used to live in SC, and it came up all the time.
</div>

Peledreamsofrain

I think the communication here failed, but not critically so.

People who are athiest usually are because of negative experiences with organized religion.  A gross generalization yes, but one I've found to be true.  I was raised in a church that was REALLY nasty.  Hellfire, brimstone, "you're disgusting and dirty, and filthy, and wrong, and apologize for existing".... yeah..... I get uncomfortable in churches.  It takes me back to a dark place, where I bleieved what they were teliing me.  That I was worthless scum. I don't let other people define my worth anymore, nor tell me what to believe about the unknowable in the world.  They don't know it either, so they can just keep it to themselves instead of judging me.

You need to talk to your FI and see WHY he doesn't like churches.  And to respect his reasons.  It is critical you do so for the relationship to work.  

What you are doing is the equivalent of him telling you that you can no longer go to church because he's 'afraid it'll embarass his family".  That's a bad feeling to put into someone.  You didn't mean it, but the message isn't a nice one.

Talk with him, set boundaries with one another.  Be open minded.

formerlyCooper

[QUOTE]People who are athiest usually are because of negative experiences with organized religion. [...] You need to talk to your FI and see WHY he doesn't like churches. And to respect his reasons. It is critical you do so for the relationship to work. Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]
This. My fiance is atheist and I don't blame him at all for not wanting to set foot in a church. I've had enough bad experiences, especially with Baptism/Southern Baptism, to color my opinion for a lifetime and make me understand his reticence. Not to say that all Baptists are bad, but they generally tend to be enthusiastic about their beliefs, which doesn't go over well with someone who flat out doesn't believe in God.

I say this in as loving a way as possible: hiding that your BF is atheist from your family is childish and a recipe for disaster. You're simultaneously lying to your family and making your BF extremely uncomfortable by keeping up a facade. It says you don't accept a very fundamental thing about your BF. I guarantee you he'll pick up on that and if it means enough to him, he'll dump you for someone else who supports him in all his decisions.

Please tell your family, at least your inmediate family, that your BF is atheist. You don't have to tell your church or extended family, but hiding it from your parents and/or siblings is inexcusable. And if they're judging your BF's value as a person on whether or not he believes in God vs. how well he treats you, they're absolutely in the wrong and you should stop listening to their criticisms. This is the "cleave to your spouse" part of the Christian religion. If you do get engaged and married to him, that is.

My immediate family knows my FI is atheist and they love him anyway. Don't make your BF attend church with you, but give him the option of accompanying you if he wants. Good luck and I'm sorry that your faith is putting such undue strain on your relationship.

kelley198721

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_did-you-have-to-deal-with-this-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dbda9ed0-961a-479e-9d93-894587192611Post:38536c14-e25a-49ed-91fb-8d665d6d01b9">Re:Did you have to deal with this issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]This. My fiance is atheist and I don't blame him at all for not wanting to set foot in a church. I've had enough bad experiences, especially with Baptism/Southern Baptism, to color my opinion for a lifetime and make me understand his reticence. Not to say that all Baptists are bad, but they generally tend to be enthusiastic about their beliefs, which doesn't go over well with someone who flat out doesn't believe in God. I say this in as loving a way as possible: hiding that your BF is atheist from your family is childish and a recipe for disaster. You're simultaneously lying to your family and making your BF extremely uncomfortable by keeping up a facade. <strong>It says you don't accept a very fundamental thing about your BF. I guarantee you he'll pick up on that and if it means enough to him, he'll dump you for someone else who supports him in all his decisions.</strong> Please tell your family, at least your inmediate family, that your BF is atheist. You don't have to tell your church or extended family, but hiding it from your parents and/or siblings is inexcusable. And if they're judging your BF's value as a person on whether or not he believes in God vs. how well he treats you, they're absolutely in the wrong and you should stop listening to their criticisms. This is the "cleave to your spouse" part of the Christian religion. If you do get engaged and married to him, that is. My immediate family knows my FI is atheist and they love him anyway. Don't make your BF attend church with you, but give him the option of accompanying you if he wants. Good luck and I'm sorry that your faith is putting such undue strain on your relationship.
Posted by formerlyCooper[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh man, I never even thought about it that way, about not accepting a fundamental part of BF. Now I feel like a terrible girlfriend. :(</div><div>
</div><div>All right, I will try to tell my family that he is atheist the next time a conversation comes up about us attending church or anything related to religion. I'm just so nervous to do it but I know I need to. </div><div>
</div><div>In the words of one of my favorite characters from Disney, "I....I....I don't like confrontation!" But it must be done! Thank you for posting, you definitely made me think about things that hadn't even occurred to me. </div><div>
</div>

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_did-you-have-to-deal-with-this-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:dbda9ed0-961a-479e-9d93-894587192611Post:0a4fb767-21cb-451d-8407-142e00f74592">Re:Did you have to deal with this issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Did you have to deal with this issue? : Oh man, I never even thought about it that way, about not accepting a fundamental part of BF.
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]

A lack of religion is still a 'religious' type view and is approached with the same fervor. If he is devoutly atheistic, his atheism needs to be respected and he should not be taken to church just so you can have someone with you. You guys are pretty early in your relationship, so I can understand him just agreeing to go with you to make you happy. I'm glad that Cooper was able to help you realize what needs to be done and that you brought this up here for another viewpoint in the matter.

formerlyCooper

[QUOTE]Oh man, I never even thought about it that way, about not accepting a fundamental part of BF. Now I feel like a terrible girlfriend. :( All right, I will try to tell my family that he is atheist the next time a conversation comes up about us attending church or anything related to religion. I'm just so nervous to do it but I know I need to. 
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]
I'm glad we were able to offer you a different perspective. Religion or lack of it can be a deal breaker in relationships. I just hope you and your BF can come to a mutual understanding of what role religion will play in your relationship, and that your parents don't let the fact that your BF isn't a "god-fearing man" negatively color their opinion of him. It sucks to not have your parents' full support, but in this case you'd be right to follow your heart if it says this guy is worth keeping, no matter how the parental units squawk about his lack of religion.<div>
</div><div>This would also be a great opportunity to get experience drawing boundaries with your family. You've made a decision, they need to respect it. If they try to pressure you, it's best to take a deep breath, say "While I appreciate your concern, I've made my decision, I feel it is best for me, and you need to respect it." Repeat ad infinitum throughout your adult life.</div>

[Deleted User]

Religion is a real touchy subject that definitely needs to be gone over. It's take 3 years for my BF and I to work through our religion issues, and we're both Christian.
I don't want you to feel too bad about what you did. You tried to make your BF like what you like (and perhaps believe too), we all do it sometimes. I confess that I did the same with my BF, I pressured him to go to my church because I have never been comfortable in his church (Catholic). He went to my church because I wanted him to, but he hated it there. It took me realizing that I wasn't comfortable there either to realize how he was feeling. I wish I had tried harder earlier in our relationship to understand his perspective instead of forcing my way.
So the advice in my rant? -- Talk about it and try to see it from his perspective. 2 hours of church can be a lot for someone who doesn't attend church (I grew up where this was the norm too), especially when they do not believe anything that is being discussed.

As for telling your parents, it's really really important. My parents knew where my BF stood on church from the beginning. It made them unhappy at first (because he didn't attend at the time) but they realized he made me happy and they started to accept him more.

@ Anyone who had bad Christian experiences. I know I can't make up for crappy Christians (I've met my fair share too) but I still want to apologize. Christianity is supposed to be a loving and accepting belief system but people prefer to be cruel and negative.

[Deleted User]

I like that you're working on this with your BF. I had numerous bad experiences when my grandmother made me go to church when I was little. I would try to ask questions and would always get shut down from my grandmother to the Sunday School teacher to the religious leader(Sorry I forgot the denomination for Christianity.) It made me angry and resentful. My grandmother viewed me as "an isubordinate, ungrateful brat who will burn in hell for questioning God" and I viewed her as "a broken woman who was delusional and needed serious psychological help." We didn't talk to each other for more than five years. She's still heavily involved in her Church and has learned to not talk to me about it. I learned that this is her choice and she's entitled to do what she pleases. Nowadays I'm more agnostic as is my FI (he left the church back in high school) so fortunately we both want a secular ceremony.

I really hope you and your BF work through this and your family takes this news in stride. 

kelley198721

Hi everyone, so I wanted to give a little update on this. I talked to BF yesterday about all this and I told him my plan to let my family know the truth.

His reaction? "NOOOOO!"

Needless to say, I was surprised. But he explained that it would not go over well with my family. I told him I knew that but I didn't want him to feel like I was forcing him to hide a part of who he was. 

He said "Aw honey, I never looked at it that way. I looked at it like telling a little white lie to save you a great deal of personal discomfort."

This is why I love him.

But I was still determined to tell my family so he suggested that I just tell my aunt or my brother (who I'm very close to) and gauge their reaction. If it went okay, then we would go from there. 

So I texted my aunt yesterday to tell her. (We always communicate via text since I am hard of hearing) and she said we would talk about this later. And....I'm still waiting for her to get back to me. 

So far, the reaction is not encouraging. But oh well, I guess we'll deal with whatever happens. I know that BF is a keeper and he's worth all the criticism and disapproval that my family would throw at me for dating an atheist. I'm still terrifed to face it honestly but I'll do it anyway because he's worth it. 

formerlyCooper

[QUOTE]So I texted my aunt yesterday to tell her. We always communicate via text since I am hard of hearing and she said we would talk about this later. And....I'm still waiting for her to get back to me. So far, the reaction is not encouraging. But oh well, I guess we'll deal with whatever happens. I know that BF is a keeper and he's worth all the criticism and disapproval that my family would throw at me for dating an atheist. I'm still terrifed to face it honestly but I'll do it anyway because he's worth it. Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]
I'm glad you got on the same page with your BF and that you tested the waters with your family! Good luck to you. I hope it isn't as bad as you're anticipating. And I'm happy you're going to stick out your relationship. Thank you for the update! :]