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Boyfriend wants me to move in...

Hello all :) I need help!

I am 21 and currently in a very serious relationship. We are in love and discuss our future together on an every day basics.  I still live at home with my parents because I am trying to save up money for school come this fall. Not to mention they pay all my "main" bills.  I plan on living at home once school starts as well.  Problem is, my boyfriend (whom is 26 and still lives at home with his parents) wants me to move in with him as soon as we get engaged.  This is the one thing that's holding us back right now..  He always says that he doesn't want to be paying for the house himself and he doesn't know what I'm like to live with.  He says he doesn't want to marry someone that he hasn't lived with.  Now, my parents are completely against this.  They have strong beliefs that I should be married before I live with someone.  I am so confused. My boyfriend and I have such a great relationship and this issue is the only one we ever get into an argument over.  Should he be more understanding of my parents wishes or should I be more understanding of his? What's the solution?!

HELP!!!!!

Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...

  • MLekathLEENMLekathLEEN
    1000 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    How long have you been together?

    ETA: You mentioned what your BF wants and what your parents want but what do YOU want to do?

    FWIW- My parents are also against my living with FI before we're married, even if we purchase a house together. FI would like me to live with him. I wouldn't mind living with him before we're married but I would like a wedding commitment like an actual date being booked before I would permanently move in with him. My mom and I carpool to work so if we purchased a house far from my parents (ie- 15 miles or so) I would stay "at home" on the weekdays and with FI on the weekends. Once we were married I would move in "full time" I guess you could say.
  • edited December 2011
    Ummm...if you're 21, congratulations, you're an adult!  Adults do not need their parents approval about all of their life choices.  When I moved in with FI (then BF), my uber-Catholic mother FLIPPED OUT.  She took us to dinner and lectured us both about the "sleeping arrangements" and how we were living in sin.  I was mortified and when I asked her to stop, she just kept on going.  You know the beauty of that conversation?  All she could do was blow hot air at us.  She can't control me.  I'm an adult.  I pay for the roof over my head, my electricity, my cellphone, my education, my transportation, etc.

    What do YOU want???  If you feel uncomfortable living with someone before marriage, then tell your BF you won't do it.  If he  continues to insist on it, then cut him loose because he doesn't respect your beliefs.  But frankly, at your age, your parents have nothing to say about where you live and with whom you live.  Now, if you plan on moving in with your BF and continuing to have your parents financially support you, that's another matter.

    My advice to you is not to move in with your BF until:
    1) You can do so without relying on your parents financially.
    2) YOU ARE OK WITH IT.

    Good luck.
  • edited December 2011
    If you don't want to live with him then don't. Don't let him or your parents pressure you either way. It is your decision. FWIW, DH and I never lived with each other before we got married and I wouldn't change a thing...it was the best choice we could have made.

    Good Luck!
    image Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I can empathize  I am 21 and my fiance just turned 26. I think its great to live together before being married...we have been living together officially since august so we will have a full year together before being husband and wife. I think you learn alot about one another and work out alot of kinks. Its one less hurdle to tackle after marriage. 

    BUT if you dont feel comfortable with the idea stick to your guns and calmly talk about it with your boyfriend. If it is just your parents belief and youre trying not to step on their toes I would discuss it with them--you are an adult now. With that said maybe try a compromise? like a few nights at home and then stay a few nights with him...it wont solve his want to alleviate his finances but at least its a compromise that may work for your parents and him. 
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Shoes. In the end, it's your decision whether or not you want to move in with him before marriage, but you need to be financially independent in order to do so.

    I also want to reiterate - how long have you been together? Have you ever taken a vacation together? It's not the same as living with each other day in and day out, but I find that travelling with someone is also a pretty good indicator of their personality and how they would be 24/7.
  • LyzMcFlyzLyzMcFlyz
    500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    Hello all :) I need help! I am 21 and currently in a very serious relationship. We are in love and discuss our future together on an every day basics.  I still live at home with my parents because I am trying to save up money for school come this fall. Not to mention they pay all my "main" bills.  I plan on living at home once school starts as well.  Problem is, my boyfriend (whom is 26 and still lives at home with his parents) wants me to move in with him as soon as we get engaged.  This is the one thing that's holding us back right now..  He always says that he doesn't want to be paying for the house himself and he doesn't know what I'm like to live with.  He says he doesn't want to marry someone that he hasn't lived with.  Now, my parents are completely against this.  They have strong beliefs that I should be married before I live with someone.  I am so confused. My boyfriend and I have such a great relationship and this issue is the only one we ever get into an argument over.  Should he be more understanding of my parents wishes or should I be more understanding of his? What's the solution?! HELP!!!!!
    Posted by DTZYBLNDBARBIE
    1. What exactly are your "main" bills? When do you plan on taking financial responsibility for those bills?

    2. I can't say I blame him for this... You NEVER truly know anyone until you've lived with them... and even then, you never completely know a person... (trust me... I lived with someone for 2 years and he turned out to be a completely different person than who I believed him to be...)

    3. There is no easy solution... I agree with Shoes, you are an adult and ultimately you can make your own decision. However, IF you expect your parents to continue paying whatever your "main bills" are you may have to get a little more realistic about that fact that until you are financially independent your parents have a right to voice their opinion...
    *Lyz*
    *I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I am alive because I'm a fighter. I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness.*
  • becunning2becunning2
    1000 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Is no one else even a teeny bit alarmed that they're both living at home, at least one of them is really worried about money, and talking about getting married? 

    And if theyou can't afford bills--it seems disingenous for your boyfriend to buy the house and then say he doesn't want to be paying for the house himself. He wants to get out from his parents house without having to actually be responsible wholly for anything.   I'm just incredibly uncomfortable with this situation on many different levels.
  • LyzMcFlyzLyzMcFlyz
    500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    Is no one else even a teeny bit alarmed that they're both living at home, at least one of them is really worried about money, and talking about getting married?  And if theyou can't afford bills--it seems disingenous for your boyfriend to buy the house and then say he doesn't want to be paying for the house himself. He wants to get out from his parents house without having to actually be responsible wholly for anything.   I'm just incredibly uncomfortable with this situation on many different levels.
    Posted by becunning2
    Honestly, this thread had MUD written all over it...

    But, I do agree with you! He seems like he's trying to escape his parents house but he can't afford it so, he's going to manipulate her into believing that he won't marry her unless they live together first so that she will 'help' him pay the bills... If she's dumb enough to fall for it... WIN for him... Luckily her parents aren't that dumb and if they are paying her bills they definitely get a say as to whether they are going to continue paying her bills when she's living with him, if she chooses to do so.
    *Lyz*
    *I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I am alive because I'm a fighter. I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness.*
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    Is no one else even a teeny bit alarmed that they're both living at home, at least one of them is really worried about money, and talking about getting married?
    Posted by becunning2
    I don't think it matters that they are both living at home. Alot of people live at home with their parents to save up money but are responsible for their insurance, healthcare, and other bills. If they are planning to move out and still have their parents financially support them, that is a different story. However living at home for awhile before you get married is not uncommon.

    I don't think this is MUD. I think the OP is just immature and listening to everyone else's opinon's instead of her own.
    image Anniversary
  • becunning2becunning2
    1000 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I've lived at home before too, so I understand that. But she's not living at home to save up money for insurance or other "adult" responsibilities--she's living at home to save up for school, and it seems like she's not ready to be paying her own bills--or share her boyfriend's set either.
  • heyimbrenheyimbren
    2500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I know you said you're confused OP, and I can see that with the way you have your parents pulling at you from one way and your BF at the other. But it is important that you think honestly and figure out what your beliefs are on this subject. There isn't anything wrong with either one, even though the opposite side may disagree with you.

    Honestly, I won't live with someone before marriage. My BF and I are in complete agreement on this and that's what's important for our relationships.

    Don't make a decision just to make someone else happy.
  • LyzMcFlyzLyzMcFlyz
    500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    I've lived at home before too, so I understand that. But she's not living at home to save up money for insurance or other "adult" responsibilities--she's living at home to save up for school, and it seems like she's not ready to be paying her own bills--or share her boyfriend's set either.
    Posted by becunning2
    Exactly!

    I STILL live at home so believe me I understand wanting to get out... BUT I am also completely realistic about the fact that I can't afford to take on a rent and other living expenses, yet... and I pay ALL of my own bills... Car payment, insurance, phone, food, transportation, etc... my father doesnt give me a dime... He provides a roof over my head (which is absolutely appreciated) but that is it... He's not obligated to do anything for me. 

    Also, "saving up for school" is a very vague phrase... OP, does that mean that you'll be paying your tuition? or just books? or just to have some money in your pocket while your parents pay for everything else? 
    *Lyz*
    *I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I am alive because I'm a fighter. I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness.*
  • CASK85CASK85
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    Hello all :) I need help! I am 21 and currently in a very serious relationship. We are in love and discuss our future together on an every day basics.  I still live at home with my parents because I am trying to save up money for school come this fall. Not to mention they pay all my "main" bills.  I plan on living at home once school starts as well.  Problem is, my boyfriend (whom is 26 and still lives at home with his parents) wants me to move in with him as soon as we get engaged.  This is the one thing that's holding us back right now..  He always says that he doesn't want to be paying for the house himself and he doesn't know what I'm like to live with.  He says he doesn't want to marry someone that he hasn't lived with.  Now, my parents are completely against this.  They have strong beliefs that I should be married before I live with someone.  I am so confused. My boyfriend and I have such a great relationship and this issue is the only one we ever get into an argument over.  Should he be more understanding of my parents wishes or should I be more understanding of his? What's the solution?! HELP!!!!!
    Posted by DTZYBLNDBARBIE
    For what it is worth, the phrase is "on an everyday basis" 

    Otherwise, I'd say that you should listen to what Shoes said. She's right. 

  • AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    PPs have some really good advice, but your screen name makes me not take you seriously.
    I'm not good at feelings.

    image
  • jemmini6jemmini6
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    PPs have some really good advice, but your screen name makes me not take you seriously.
    Posted by AudgiePodge
    This.  A 21-year-old who refers to herself as a ditzy blonde Barbie and whose parents pay all her bills.  By that alone (which is all we have to go by on the interwebz) suggest that you are a high maintenence blonde who relies on daddy's credit cards.  Based on that assumption, you are not ready to move out.

    On a more serious note, if your parents are paying your bills, they are pulling the strings.  If they are against you moving in before marriage, but you choose to anyways, just be prepared to be financially cut-off.  Not to mention, that if you can't be a financially independent adult , you aren't ready to move out anyways.
    Anniversary
  • LyzMcFlyzLyzMcFlyz
    500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in... : This.  A 21-year-old who refers to herself as a ditzy blonde Barbie and whose parents pay all her bills.  By that alone (which is all we have to go by on the interwebz) suggest that you are a high maintenence blonde who relies on daddy's credit cards.  Based on that assumption, you are not ready to move out. On a more serious note, if your parents are paying your bills, they are pulling the strings.  If they are against you moving in before marriage, but you choose to anyways, just be prepared to be financially cut-off.  Not to mention, that if you can't be a financially independent adult , you aren't ready to move out anyways.
    Posted by jemmini6



    Exactly what I was trying to say... except better!! Thanks jem!! lol
    *Lyz*
    *I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I am alive because I'm a fighter. I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness.*
  • edited December 2011
    I am so ignorant about how other people live their lives. I could not imagine going right from living with my parents to living with my husband, but I guess that's what a lot of folks still do. FWIW, I lived by myself and with roommates for 8 years before moving in with my boyfriend. We've lived together for 3 years and it is nothing but easy and comfortable. If the OP is able to get herself together financially, she should move in with some roommates and learn how to share a home and all that. For me, that made the transition to living with my boyfriend much easier - we both knew how to handle all of the roommate type stuff, and could just focus on the relationship stuff.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in... : This.  A 21-year-old who refers to herself as a ditzy blonde Barbie and whose parents pay all her bills.  By that alone (which is all we have to go by on the interwebz) suggest that you are a high maintenence blonde who relies on daddy's credit cards.  Based on that assumption, you are not ready to move out. On a more serious note, if your parents are paying your bills, they are pulling the strings.  If they are against you moving in before marriage, but you choose to anyways, just be prepared to be financially cut-off.  Not to mention, that if you can't be a financially independent adult , you aren't ready to move out anyways.
    Posted by jemmini6
    I picture a tall, tan southern blonde girl in her cut off jean shorts and cowgirl boots with her flannel shirt tied up to her tummy.

    Very Daisy Duke. OP: I have a feeling people just don't take you seriously, especially when you refer to yourself as "ditzy".

     I remember, in HS when everyone was like "oops, blonde moment", "oops, I'm such a ditz", "Oops, my shorts aren't THAT short".

     That was outgrown by the time we were 18 though. You're 21 and can make decisions for yourself.

    This was just a bit off topic, but what I'm trying to say is, your parents might not think you are ready for this step because of the way you carry yourself. Now, I could be completley wrong, but this is just what I get from all of this.
    Anniversary
  • luvdncn90luvdncn90
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    All of the PPS have great advice. My only advice to you is to think about how much it is going to cost to both pay for school and pay rent, utilities, food, gas, electric and all the other costs that come with living with someone else.

    Trust me I know how it feels to want to live on your own or with your BF. My parents have been gracious enough to let me live at home while I'm in school, but I'm also paying for school myself. And let me tell you school isn't cheap these days. In my opinion paying for school should be your main concern right now. Maybe it's not for you but it's most definitely the most important thing in my life right now. Don't cheat yourself out of having school paid for and using that money for your education so you can run off and live with your BF.
  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    If you can afford to move out, and you want to, then do it.  If you cannot afford to (as your post seems to have insinuated) then do not.  I can't imagine not living with FBD before we got hitched, we've lived together for almost 3 years now, but I am always in awe of people that don't live together and still make it work.  You need to do what is best for you - other people cannot dictate that for you.  

    "Popular on the internetz..."
    image

    Canada is kind of like a whole other world with new things to discover that us americans only dream of. - Narwhal
    Paige I would like to profess my love for you and your brilliant mind. - breezerb
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the advice y'all.  My username is old. I have had this account since 2009 and cant change my username and didnt feel like creating another account cause I would lose everything I have saved on here.

    I have lived on my own before, moved out when I was 18. Got an apt to myself, my parents and family (as far as that goes) didn't agree with the way they "thought" I was living so they all disowned me. I didnt talk to anyone in my family for a little over a year.  If I had to move out I could afford it, thats not what I'm asking. I'm trying to figure out what's the right thing to do. If we are living together before we get married, then why get married? If your already living together what is special about getting married?
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    Thats a question that only you can answer. For my BF and I its important that we don't live together before marriage. That is OUR beliefs not our parents. Take your parents beliefs about what you should do out of the equation. What do you think about living together before marriage? If its something that you are against then don't do it just because your BF is pressuring you too, but if its something that you are truly okay with then give it some thought, talk about it with BF, and make a decision based on what will be best for the both of you because moving in together is a HUGE decision/commitment.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    LilySlim - (c4ie)

  • AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    Thanks for all the advice y'all.  My username is old. I have had this account since 2009 and cant change my username and didnt feel like creating another account cause I would lose everything I have saved on here. I have lived on my own before, moved out when I was 18. Got an apt to myself, my parents and family (as far as that goes) didn't agree with the way they "thought" I was living so they all disowned me. I didnt talk to anyone in my family for a little over a year.  If I had to move out I could afford it, thats not what I'm asking. I'm trying to figure out what's the right thing to do. If we are living together before we get married, then why get married? If your already living together what is special about getting married?
    Posted by DTZYBLNDBARBIE
    Yeah! Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
    I'm not good at feelings.

    image
  • edited December 2011
    For me, I don't want to live with FI before we get married becasue I do feel like it will take the "newness" out of being married and living together. But that is just me though, it is different for everyone.

    FI and I lived together for ONE semester, and I loved it! But honestly, I'm so excited for us to get married and have a place of our own and be newlyweds. So, this is only a decision you can make.

    FI and I both live at home. I am still in school- so it's easier for me. For him, he had a very hard time finding a job. He found a job about a year ago but still has to pay off some student loans. He is also responsible though for credit card bills, his student loans, car insurance, health insurance, and works a full time job, etc. He is living at home to save money for us when we get married.

    I don't look down on his decision to live at home, at all. Both my parents lived at home until they got married and things worked out fine for them.

    So whatever your choice may be, it's not going to be WRONG, it just has to be RIGHT FOR YOU!
    Anniversary
  • heyimbrenheyimbren
    2500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    Thanks for all the advice y'all.  My username is old. I have had this account since 2009 and cant change my username and didnt feel like creating another account cause I would lose everything I have saved on here. I have lived on my own before, moved out when I was 18. Got an apt to myself, my parents and family (as far as that goes) didn't agree with the way they "thought" I was living so they all disowned me. I didnt talk to anyone in my family for a little over a year.  If I had to move out I could afford it, thats not what I'm asking. I'm trying to figure out what's the right thing to do. If we are living together before we get married, then why get married? If your already living together what is special about getting married?
    Posted by DTZYBLNDBARBIE
    What do you have saved on an old account? You aren't engaged yet, so there wouldn't be anything so save... right?

    There isn't any "right" thing to do. That's something you need to personally decide for yourself and no one on here can tell you that.

    There are many reasons for getting married. These may include religious reasons, legal reasons, commitment reasons, etc. Marriage is about so much more than simply living together. But if you don't want to live with him, then don't. If you do, you can make your own decisions separate from your parents. However, you do have to be willing to deal with the consequences of those decisions.
  • CASK85CASK85
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    Thanks for all the advice y'all.  My username is old. I have had this account since 2009 and cant change my username and didnt feel like creating another account cause I would lose everything I have saved on here. I have lived on my own before, moved out when I was 18. Got an apt to myself, my parents and family (as far as that goes) didn't agree with the way they "thought" I was living so they all disowned me. I didnt talk to anyone in my family for a little over a year.  If I had to move out I could afford it, thats not what I'm asking. I'm trying to figure out what's the right thing to do. If we are living together before we get married, then why get married? If your already living together what is special about getting married?
    Posted by DTZYBLNDBARBIE
    As a woman living with her fiance, I find this offensive. Plenty of people live with their SO before getting married. A marriage is a commitment far beyond sharing a space, and if you don't see that, I doubt you're ready to make either commitment. 
  • jemmini6jemmini6
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    Thanks for all the advice y'all.  My username is old. I have had this account since 2009 and cant change my username and didnt feel like creating another account cause I would lose everything I have saved on here. I have lived on my own before, moved out when I was 18. Got an apt to myself, my parents and family (as far as that goes) didn't agree with the way they "thought" I was living so they all disowned me. I didnt talk to anyone in my family for a little over a year.  If I had to move out I could afford it, thats not what I'm asking. I'm trying to figure out what's the right thing to do. If we are living together before we get married, then why get married? If your already living together what is special about getting married?
    Posted by DTZYBLNDBARBIE
    Being able to live together isn't what makes a marriage special, it's the commitment that you've chosen that person to share the rest of your life with. 

    I moved in with my FI after only 7 months of dating (we've now been together over 2 years) and let me tell you, you learn so much about someone when you live with them.  You learn their quirks, their bad habits, their living style that you never see when you just visit.  You learn to live with them, choose your battles, etc.

    FI's friend was recently married and his wife just moved in after their wedding.  From what he says, they are fighting constantly about  things they never knew about each other.  It's really adding a lot of stress on a newlywed couple.

    From my POV, I would never want to marry anyone I didn't live with prior.  I couldn't imagine finding out that kind of stuff AFTER the fact.  And another benefit I see is that you get to actually ENJOY being newlyweds instead of dealing with the adjustment period of living together.
    Anniversary
  • leia1979leia1979
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 100 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    I know this is slightly stale by now, but I wanted to add that if you do decide to move in with your BF and pay towards his house, you need to get legal protections (e.g. contract, your name on the deed, etc.). You could potentially pay in throusands towards that house, break up, and be left with nothing.


  • LyzMcFlyzLyzMcFlyz
    500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in...:
    In Response to Re: Boyfriend wants me to move in... : Yeah! Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
    Posted by AudgiePodge
    The cow would already be paying half the bills so he doesnt have to.... so why bother marrying her??
    *Lyz*
    *I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I am alive because I'm a fighter. I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness.*
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