Why are "Wedding Re-Dos" terrible?

pokey730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_why-are-wedding-re-dos-terrible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:ed50bd86-bba6-42e4-a956-317ce0947acfPost:4aedb6c5-a4c1-473a-8454-d9c830007271">Re: Why are "Wedding Re-Dos" terrible?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why are "Wedding Re-Dos" terrible? : Okay, but those military members made the choice to get married without a big, fun party so that they could get benefits. They can't RE-DO their wedding. Their wedding was when they signed those pieces of paper.  Those benefits, btw, are paid for by taxpayers... so in this situation the money they saved by getting married and having those benefits are paying for the big "re do" wedding, indirectly the taxpayers. I have no interest in paying for an unethical move, and I can't imagine many people would.  That's what point we're making here.  A wedding is one day and signing a piece of paper. Lying to family and friends about it, abusing military benefits, or simply just being impatient and wanting to make up for it later seems immature, which is why it's frowned upon on these boards. 
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

Yes, those benefits are payed for by the taxpayers. And every single dollar of base military pay is taxed. It come's out of my bi weekly paychecks, I assure you. I think you are reaching a bit by saying the tax payers are paying for their big unethical wedding. First of all, I don't see how two people who had every intention of spending their lives together are "abusing military benefits". Second, don't delude yourself, the military is hardly recieving hand outs. They earn every meager dollar they make, sometimes with their lives. I find your portrayal of corrupt military member abusing their benefits and wasting your tax dollars on a fancy party more than slightly offensive. Far more offensive than having a party with friends and family after they're already wed.

Also, I never condoned lying to anyone. It had no place whatsoever in my response, as a matter of fact. So your only point to make to me is that military couples who get marriend hastily pre deployment or otherwise, and celebrate their union later are wasting your tax dollars? Got it. 

firsttimersluck

This would be my husband. Why, yes. That is a military uniform. Yes, we are military couple. Oh, and guess what my military husband did? He proposed before he deployed. And he signed me on his Page 2, Will, and PoA. We also waited until his return for us to get married. It was a tight fit to find the time, but we made it work, as does a LOT of military couples. 

And YES I think it's somewhat fraudulent. Especially if the couple is getting married because she is pregnant. (In your hypothetical story you mentioned nothing about already being engaged and planning on spending their lives together. You just mentioned a babe-mama).

I know the military well enough to know that in the past few years there was a huge rush of people getting married just to get the benefits while deployed, friends or fiance's. It was happening. I find that sickening that such fraud, waste, and abuse occurs by people that are suppose to be upstanding citizens. Does this mean that a couple already planning to get married are abusing the system to do it early for the benefits and still plan their "real wedding" later? Yes, in my opinion. Does it make their their situation fraud? No, not really. But there are plenty of situations in the military that ARE fraud. 

Overall, however, I just find it immature to run for the JOP because it's an easy option for military members.. Civilians don't have this same option. It's set up that way to offer military families some relief, not be abused for pure impatience. 

Yes, my point in your situation is that it wastes tax dollars. The other points made are irrelevant to YOUR little pretend situation, but relevant to why this community tends to frown upon JOPs with PPDs later (as I'm pretty sure I made clear.) 

firsttimersluck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_why-are-wedding-re-dos-terrible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ed50bd86-bba6-42e4-a956-317ce0947acfPost:dc381ba3-e09a-4128-9e40-ad05dfb134e4">Re: Why are "Wedding Re-Dos" terrible?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, I did say they were engaged in my hypothetical situation. I fail to see how marrying earlier than originally planned so as your future wife and child are medically cared for, is<strong> fradulent, or immature</strong>. Everyone's entitled to an opinion, you have yours, I have mine<strong>. Also, I was unaware that civilians weren't able to get married by a JOP</strong>? <strong>Furthermore, these cases of abuse have been happening since WW</strong>2, particularly. With huge influxes of marriages following the drafts. This has been going on much longer than the past few years. Nonetheless, it isn't up for you or I to investigate or rule on what is or isn't fraud. I posed a hypothetical situation to give people the opportunity to see things from anothers perspective. I guess that doesn't fit with the social norms around here. Guess what my military fiance did? He proposed prior to deployment. Guess what my military self did? I said yes. We are planning a wedding for next year that we both know one or both of us wouldn't be able to attend, as deployments pop up so suddenly. We'd have to hope that the venue would allow us to move the date. Shotgun wedding isn't necessary for us, would it have helped in his absence(separation pay etc..), sure. Do I condemn others for it? Not at all, because life happens.
Posted by pokey730[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>WOW. Okay, Idk why you are so defensive.. jesuschrist I feel like you think I killed your puppy. </div><div>
</div><div>1. I didn't say that a particular situation was necessarily fraudulent, but I do stand by feeling that it's immature. </div><div>
</div><div>2. I didn't say they were unable to get a JOP. Now you're just being snarky and trying to make me look ignorant. Obviously ANYONE can get the JOP. Most civilians cannot just get a JOP to receive hazardous duty pay, separation pay, etc.  I apologize that you were unable to deduce what I was suggesting the benefits from a JOP, not the JOP itself. </div><div>
</div><div>3. Umm.. okay? So I have been on the "grown up" side of the military in in the past decade.. ergo I felt more inclined to be specific about my timeframe. BUt you're right.. now that you made it clear that the quickie weddings for extra benefits have been going on for longer, I feel sooo much better about it not being fraud? </div><div>What's your argument here? If anything you're supporting my claims that this is a situation common in the military realm... and it shouldn't be. </div><div>
</div><div>4. I never said anything about "condeming" people for doing it. I find it unethical. I would never do that myself, and before my husband I was engaged to a Marine.. I have had more than one chance to JOP it. My point was that military or not, people around here don't care for it. And as a military brat and spouse, I hate it when military couples use the military as their scapegoat to run and JOP it for extra money. </div><div>
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kcgrl

I am beginning to think that a lot of people on TK and TN simply pass their own judgement and think that their way is the better way. 

For instance, when I said "retard(ed)" some of you took great offense. One asked that I not say it for which I apologized. It was not meant to be offensive. However, I can sincerely think of two people IRL that have mentally challenged children and they would be p!ssed if I ever refered to their children as retarded. They are not 'retarded' - they are mentally handicapped. So - to keep everyone happy - you should just never use the word in any context. Used incorrectly or correclty - its still offensive. Not worth arguing after this. Catch 22. OR I can say freedom of speech its slang and its only offensive because you took it that. My apology stands the one the who kindly asked I not do it. Kindness wins me over than outright jumping. Thank you kind person.

Are you arguing so much about a military couple having a PPD after legally being married so that the other person takes on your personal view? Technically there is nothing stopping these people from doing this except judgemental ppl out there who think they are wrong for doing so. But it isn't really wrong is it? Just different perhaps? Society says THIS IS THE WAY (my way) so doing it the other way is wrong. Its "ok" to have your own personal opinion but its wrong to pass judgement on someone else for not doing it your way.  This world sucks.

Something my DH has said quite often after I discuss TK with him is that it is easy for someone who has had a PPD to say that the person who skipped out and didn't follow tradition shouldn't have one. The more I read about these military couples the more I think that life is too short to live by someone else's standard. If YOU want to have a vow renewal and someone thinks its stupid after 2 years or 30 years then they don't have to come. 

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_why-are-wedding-re-dos-terrible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ed50bd86-bba6-42e4-a956-317ce0947acfPost:6f791fcb-3f7c-4397-a08c-57651a8eff22">Re: Why are "Wedding Re-Dos" terrible?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am beginning to think that a lot of people on TK and TN simply pass their own judgement and think that their way is the better way.  For instance, when I said "retard(ed)" some of you took great offense. One asked that I not say it for which I apologized. It was not meant to be offensive. However, I can sincerely think of two people IRL that have mentally challenged children and they would be p!ssed if I ever refered to their children as retarded. They are not 'retarded' - they are mentally handicapped. So - to keep everyone happy - you should just never use the word in any context. Used incorrectly or correclty - its still offensive. Not worth arguing after this. Catch 22. OR I can say freedom of speech its slang and its only offensive because you took it that. My apology stands the one the who kindly asked I not do it. Kindness wins me over than outright jumping. Thank you kind person. Are you arguing so much about a military couple having a PPD after  legally being married so that the other person takes on your personal view? Technically there is nothing stopping these people from doing this except judgemental ppl out there who think they are wrong for doing so. But it isn't really wrong  is it? Just different perhaps? Society says THIS IS THE WAY (my way) so doing it the other way is wrong. Its "ok" to have your own personal opinion but its wrong to pass judgement on someone else for not doing it your way.  This world sucks. Something my DH has said quite often after I discuss TK with him is that<strong> it is easy for someone who has had a PPD to say that the person who skipped out and didn't follow tradition shouldn't have one.</strong> The more I read about these military couples the more I think that life is too short to live by someone else's standard. If YOU want to have a vow renewal and someone thinks its stupid after 2 years or 30 years then they don't have to come. 
Posted by kcgrl[/QUOTE]

I want to be married already. I have been with my fiance for years now and he is my best friend. As soon as he proposed, I wanted to run to the courthouse and sign the papers.

However, I also wanted my family there. I wanted my white dress and my college friends as bridesmaids. I want my friends and family to get together and have a good time. So we're getting married and having a nice reception and inviting everyone we want there.

If someone needs to get married earlier than they planned because of insurance issues or military issues, I have no problem with that. But you can't get married prematurely and then get all upset because you didn't have the wedding you wanted, and then plan the wedding you want and recreate that day. A married woman cannot become a bride. You can't have two weddings where you get married to the same person.

You seem to be confused between a redo wedding and a vow renewal. No one said the OP couldn't have a vow renewal, or anyone for that matter. People do, however, take issue with women planning PPDs three months after their JOP weddings and calling it a "vow renewal" to try to step around etiquette.

kcgrl

I'm not confused. I just don't see the reason for all of this arguing.  "Why can't we all just get along!" - - lol.

Seriously, I personally disagree with some of the shady things some people do.  But you know they can do them and I'll do me. Just because you might think its ridiculous to have a vow renewal 3 years after being married doesn't mean its ridiculous to someone else. But it is wrong, IMHO, to judge that person for doing so - for looking down on them or b!tching at them -for making them feel terrible for wanting to do something you don't agree with.

kcgrl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_why-are-wedding-re-dos-terrible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ed50bd86-bba6-42e4-a956-317ce0947acfPost:925a60a3-1a07-44c8-af13-401f129f4b86">Re: Why are "Wedding Re-Dos" terrible?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why are "Wedding Re-Dos" terrible? :  . Some celebrate later, other never feel the need, but certainly no one sticks their noses up to anyone who do. I get the "not lying about your marriage" aspect of all it. I just don't really see why it is so offensive to so many people around here.
Posted by pokey730[/QUOTE]

<div>YES!  I agree 100%. I too say WTF to those who lie about their marriage and to those who marry for more money in deployment but I don't have to live with their choices - they do! So why do so many ppl try to make others do things their way! You said that so much better than I ever could have. lol. sticking their nose up in the air is exactly right.</div>