Not Engaged Yet

Don't want a wedding anymore (Rant)

This is totally odd, because before I was engaged I was totally psyched about our wedding (yes, the party aspect). But once I started planning and looking at numbers, I just realized that I don't want a wedding. I want a house with a yard, and then to have a backyard BBQ wedding/housewarming party. But even with this awesome idea, there are problems. As of now, we want to stay in WA, but my parents live in So Cal. Now, they would totally travel for the wedding, but none of my mom's friends will. She's a total psychopath (which some of you already know), and doesn't want to interact with ANY family members other than my cousins. The original plan was to have it in So Cal, so her friends would go, and so she wouldn't be lonely and stay off my back. But if we have it up here, where we plan to buy a house, none of her friends would come, and so she'd be free to go all Senorita Psychopath on me the whole day. Blah.

Re: Don't want a wedding anymore (Rant)

  • edited December 2011
    Can you have some kind of a shower or something in So Cal? So that her friends will get to be involved? I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a house more than hosting a party that will last one evening! Maybe offer to pay for her and her best friend to come to your wedding? So, she'll have someone to hang out with.

    I get so depressed when I start looking at numbers and money. I swear, the price of weddings has doubled in the past 5 years. I think it is because of all the wedding shows that are on TV nowadays.
    ~~December 3, 2011~~
  • desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You don't need an MOH so much as you need a Mom Wrangler. Is there anyone in your family you could recruit to do the job? 


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • motoLynmotoLyn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Panda, though my mom isn't crazy I understand the other aspects of the wedding and asian families.  As well as having a house rather than a big wedding.  My mom and dad weren't too crazy about our plans for a DW so they elected to throw a small party for their friends and family to par take in when we get back.  Is that a possibility that you guys can do you wedding up there and have a small family friendly-someone to mom block-party in So Cal?

    EDIT: Don't get me started about the stress attacks I get when I try to look at numbers for a Maui wedding, I always come back to the conclusion I rather put it towards making the down payment we have right now bigger for a house.  All this and I haven't even really started planning a wedding.  I plan to start planning in June.
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-want-wedding-anymore-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fdfbb5f8-bbb7-4213-8c6f-772ce188430fPost:40b9588e-e3e2-4d03-8bd6-9b728d835a91">Re: Don't want a wedding anymore (Rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]You don't need an MOH so much as you need a Mom Wrangler. Is there anyone in your family you could recruit to do the job? 
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]


    Sorry Panda : (

    BTW - have you seen the YoungHouseLove.com backyard wedding on the cheap? It's adorable!
  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Not cool, dude. 

    I got nothin'.  Sorry:/

    "Popular on the internetz..."
    image

    Canada is kind of like a whole other world with new things to discover that us americans only dream of. - Narwhal
    Paige I would like to profess my love for you and your brilliant mind. - breezerb
    Murried Bio
  • edited December 2011
    *hugs*
    Anniversary
  • PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    kat- That is AWESOME. That's EXACTLY what I want.

    I thought about doing a second reception in So Cal for my mom and her friends, but that doesn't really solve the problem of her being a psychopath on my wedding day.

    Let me describe her to you. My uncle just died on Thursday. The funeral is this weekend. I had to yell at her and CONVINCE her to go to the funeral for her favorite sister, because she wasn't planning to because she's mad at some of her other siblings and didn't want to talk to them. How incredibly selfish is that?? And she's like that ALL the time. My therapist says she most likely has a pretty severe personality disorder so her thinking isn't exactly rational...

    But I digress. I think we're just gonna do a Vegas wedding, so that way she and my dad can go off on their own.
  • marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Geez, Panda. Your mom sounds like mine. I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with all this. I second Desert's suggestion. You need a mom wrangler. Also, you need to slip her some Valium in her drink.

    Kidding.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm willing to provide mom wrangling services. I vaguely offering to get someone's FMIL drunk on Jell-O shots at their wedding, so I figure Mom Wrangling can't be that much worse.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    "Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons

    Planning / Married / Blog

  • calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Aww, Panda, that sucks!  I think everyone's got someone in their family a little more self-involved than they should be - in my case, it's my grandma.  My brother and I have a deal that I'll babysit her and try to make her happy on his big days (like his college graduation last summer) and he'll babysit her for my big days.  So far, it's working okay.  We also try to just let whatever nonsense she says roll off our backs and be firm with her - "I'm sorry you feel that way.  We're doing X, Y, and Z, and we'd be happy if you came to celebrate with us.  If you can't make it, you'll be missed." And walking away.

    Easier said than done, of course.  And there's always more complicated reasons that keep it from being that simple.  But it's in general helpful to remember that no matter what she says or does, try not to let it bother you.

    And yeah, rent out a friend or family member she likes to pay attention to her and keep her out of your hair!

    image

    Anniversary

  • motoLynmotoLyn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I like the vegas idea... and following Oceana'sgood will if you're having a reception in SoCal then I'm free to do some mom wrangling services as well.  Your mom sounds like my friend's mom, my friend is getting married this December I'm a BM in it so your wedding can be a warm up for her wedding. 
  • PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hahah, thanks ladies. The issue with the mom wranglin' is that I wouldn't want to make anyone have to deal with her! Besides, other than her friends at the nail salon and my dad, nobody else wants to even deal with her. Even my brother. He stopped talking to her like 2 years ago. If it weren't for my meds and therapy I wouldn't be talking to her either, but my bro isn't as... motivated to get move on. He's kinda just being lazy about it and hanging out in limbo because it's easier. :\

    But yes, we've decided on Caesar's Palace in the Venus Garden. I'm finally excited bout the wedding again, haha. I really appreciate the input and the support ladies. :D

    P.S. My mum doesn't drink, so that wouldn't work either. I honestly REALLY considered slipping her one of my meds.. hahaha. I think at least two of her friends will go if it's in Vegas, since it's only like a 3 hour drive for them. Especially if she closes shop that day. She tried to convince me to get married on a Wednesday so she wouldn't have to close shop over the weekend when it's more busy. /eyeroll
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-want-wedding-anymore-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fdfbb5f8-bbb7-4213-8c6f-772ce188430fPost:0e7b11bd-ea11-4a73-9fd2-4a3e5ba42039">Re: Don't want a wedding anymore (Rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm willing to provide mom wrangling services. I vaguely offering to get someone's FMIL drunk on Jell-O shots at their wedding, so I figure Mom Wrangling can't be that much worse.
    Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

    LOL, I remember that.
    Anniversary
  • marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-want-wedding-anymore-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fdfbb5f8-bbb7-4213-8c6f-772ce188430fPost:bbc2213f-2c1c-49df-a6c1-86db5003c1c4">Re: Don't want a wedding anymore (Rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]P.S. My mum doesn't drink, so that wouldn't work either. I honestly REALLY considered slipping her one of my meds.. hahaha.
    Posted by PandaBurr[/QUOTE]

    Srsly. Slip her something in an iced tea or whatever.
  • PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I do have a dissolving very fast acting "chill pill"........ but that would be unethical, right? It would be wrong to do that, right? >_>
  • motoLynmotoLyn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Right... by right I mean no. By no I mean do it.
  • calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-want-wedding-anymore-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:fdfbb5f8-bbb7-4213-8c6f-772ce188430fPost:534d36f1-36c7-4210-b3b5-1dde9d813e09">Re: Don't want a wedding anymore (Rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Right... by right I mean no. By no I mean do it.
    Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, this! 

    Seriously, though, do what's right for you.  Don't have a relationship with her based on the fact that you feel you "should" - I firmly believe we can't choose our family members, but we can dictate the relationship we choose to have with them.  In the case of my grandmother, that means one phone call a month, an invitation to big events in my life, but no special treatment.  Figure out what works with your Mom, and don't give her more power than she deserves.

    And seriously, pay someone to babysit her if you must.  Distant cousin who needs an extra $50? Guess who they're going to be sitting next to at the reception!  And paid to keep her out of your hair.

    image

    Anniversary

  • edited December 2011
    Panda, your mom sounds exactly like my mom so I definitely feel for you. I'm NEY and I am not looking forward to her actions when we are engaged because I am sure she is going to try and make everything about her. That's great you decided on Vegas, I hope it turns out well with your mom! If you ever need to vent, feel free to PM me. :)
    Planning/Project Fit

    Photobucket
    "Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing through my open ears inciting and inviting me"
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry Panda : (

    Do you think you could afford it into your budget to buy 1 or 2 of her friends transportation and hotel? Maybe you'd still come out saving $$ with a backyard wedding, and that way would have Mom wranglers?
  • PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I thought about that too, but I have this strange feeling that if I do a backyard wedding up here, she's gonna make some excuse that she can't go. And I know that's her decision, and albeit an extremely selfish and bitchy decision, it would still break my heart. Even after all the shiit she's done to me and my bro, I'm actually pretty close with her. Several phone calls a week. Part of it is I'm making sure she doesn't try and kill herself (again), and part of it is I do enjoy talking to her when she's not crazy. Her craziness has definitely subsided a lot since I moved out, but her selfishness has no changed one bit.

    What I really wish for is for her to get help. I've been trying for who knows how long now, and I've just stopped bringing it up. Almost got her to go once, but once she got there she refused to get out of the car. And shiit like that doesn't work if you're not willing to work on it. So, yeah, not much I can do until she realizes she needs help.

    But, I'm leaning more and more towards the Vegas idea, because it's close enough to her (and the shop girls) that at least two of them and their families will go with her. Most likely more, because they all like hanging out together. Plus they're probably afraid of my mom too if they get the day off work but don't end up showing up to the wedding. Not that I care, I barely know them, and it saves me cash, haha.
  • marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Panda, I really feel for you. What a sucky situation. I think making a decision about where to have your wedding based on your mom's craziness is bound to make you have regrets. Don't give your mom that much power.
  • PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-want-wedding-anymore-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fdfbb5f8-bbb7-4213-8c6f-772ce188430fPost:c8d930fe-b59f-4b9c-aab6-b1d9f92edb60">Re: Don't want a wedding anymore (Rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Panda, I really feel for you. What a sucky situation.<strong> I think making a decision about where to have your wedding based on your mom's craziness is bound to make you have regrets. </strong>Don't give your mom that much power.
    Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

    Exactly. This is why I didn't even THINK about wedding stuff for like two months after getting engaged. I remember one night in bed, I rolled over and literally said to FI, 'I hate our wedding. I hate everything about it. I hate planning it. I just want it to be over with." After that, I didn't plan or look at anything anymore, until a few days ago when I decided it was time to revisit the subject since we're still hoping for a January wedding. I mean, yeah, my first choice would be an awesome backyard BBQ, but who knows when we'll be able to get a house. We don't even know what state we're going to be living in a year from now! So, my next choice was Vegas. I feel a little selfish for doing it this way, but in the end, I guess I just realized that my whole life has been about accommodating her either to keep her calm or to keep from getting my legs broken (she tried. It's a good thing she's a tiny Asian woman, lol). I guess I feel like I finally deserve to be selfish, y'know? It kinda feels good.

    <a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/10/13/1a81220b-b634-4f80-bd30-044ce71270de.large.png" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '1a81220b-b634-4f80-bd30-044ce71270de', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/10/13/1a81220b-b634-4f80-bd30-044ce71270de.medium.png" alt="" /></a>
  • edited December 2011
    Panda, it's totally YOUR DAY and you shouldn't have to compromise!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (I might be exaggerating a little, but you certainly shouldn't hate your wedding)
    Anniversary
  • motoLynmotoLyn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Panda, I have to say, your mom and being a tiny Asian woman can wield a lot of power and influence.  Hence why I'm happy that my mom too is smaller than me, but she has quite the temper.  The Vegas wedding is sounding better and better after reading what you had to say.  Its a great way for you to celebrate in your own style and still accommodate your mom.  Asian people love Vegas,  I remember sitting at a slot machine and playing for pennies while waiting for my family to come down to the lobby and I saw a stream of little old Asian ladies come rolling through from a tour bus.  It didn't surprise me one bit to see them there on Christmas break.  So I'm sure that your mom's friends will come too if they were invited.  In Vegas you have limitless options and activities to do to keep your guests entertained.  Good luck Panda!
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards