Can anyone empathize?

MEGURP2010

Hi Ladies,  I am looking for a little empathy out there. To put it bluntly, my mother is not well. She's never been well and made most of my family's life hell for way more than my 26 years on this planet, but she is my mother and I love her. To my own detriment, I have been trying to include her in the wedding planning and as usual, she is nothing but the opposite of helpful. I include her because there is that little silly girl inside that would like to be able to bond with her mother and include her knowing how happy it will make her. I am not looking for ways to deal with the situation, but instead that comfort of knowing someone else somewhere understands my situation. Is there anyone else struggling with a mentally ill mother and letting go of the dream to include her in the way she would like?Thanks,MEA

jeannigirl

I don't have a situation like that, I can understand that it not an easy road to travel. Your heart is a good heart and all you can do is to contuine to love her through the illness. Is she on any type of medication and have a Dr who she is working with her and her having the ability to talk with a Dr who specializies in her area of illness? Sometimes it helps too for you to have a support group who are going through the same thing has you. Has she expressed how she wants to be included? I know that you want to avoid has much stress on someone who suffers from emotional problems. I hope that you know that deep inside her that she wishes she could be there in the way you dream. Take her has she is and what she can be involved in on your day. Just having your mom there beside you is special. Enjoy it has much has you can.

gingern

I am in kind of the same situation, except I have not [yet] tried to include her in planning of the wedding. I told my Dad she will be lucky to be invited, let alone a big part of the day. It has been a struggle for me to allow her in any part of my life (she left when my brother and I were 6 and 4, I am 25 now.) Most of the time I don't think she deserves to be a part of our lives. There have been times when I have wanted so badly to call a "mother" with ideas or with something I am excited about...but I just can't make the leap to do that with my "real" mother. My best friend, who doubled as a mother figure to me, passed away this year from pancreatic cancer. My little brother has been a lot like you and tried to include her throughout his life, and every time she has let him down. Everything is always about her. I can't tell you how many times he has called me in the middle of the night bawling because she continues to use and disappoint him when he tries to involve her. Ever since she left us as little kids, my brother always held out hope that she would return and love him like other kids' mothers. Luckily we have an amazing Father that has dedicated his entire life to and never put anything before us. Very blessed. Take care, you are not alone.

pamila51510

I don't have a mother in this situation.  But at the begining of my wedding planning I thought you know what I am going to try to give my bio father a role in my wedding. He says he missed so much that you know what I am going to give him this moment. The man who raised me isn't gonna be at the wedding so here is a way to have my father be a part of my life. I called him up and talked to him and like everything else in life he was negative and his wife was kinda nasty. UGH It hurt a lot and I had to say enough is enough and I will not be doing anything that involves them agian. I really wanted them to be a part of this and yes he has mental issues and I am just over it. Hugs! I am sorry that you have to go through this!!!

nyrek

New to this board...sorry to intro myself like this...but saw your post. My mom has issues...but not severe to the point of ruining our relationship. She's supportive, but also has dependant personality disorder...so it's often like having another toddler clinging to you all the time. And she got a job at my work. And moved 12 houses away. My sis is the one with pretty bad mental problems. Bi-polar and won't take medications, severe alcoholism, delusions, the list goes on. I had to cut ties. She used to be my best friend in the whole world...we were like twins growing up and most of our young adult life. But as her symptoms progressed, I've had to make the choice to have her in my life and around my kids in this mental state, or keep her at bay until she gets help. I chose to cut ties with her just over a year ago now. My dream was to have my sister stand up for me as my MOH. We planned our weddings together from the time we were teens. Knowing that I can't have her there breaks my heart...but even the rest of my family agrees it is for the best. She is too disruptive to even consider inviting, let alone have her actually a part of it.

jlaroo33

My new husband lost his father last week unexpectedly. He also struggled through his life with mental illness and his relationship with his three kids was almost non-existent. The kids basically gave up on trying to be a part of his life. A friend of my FIL came up to us at the memorial and said, "He may not have known how to show it, but he was so proud of you kids and he loved you very much." I know you're not asking for advice, but I'm going to give you my opinion. Her contributions might seem less than helpful (they may even be hurtful for all I know) but she may be doing the best she can. I say, don't give up on your dream of including her. Embrace every awkward moment of it,

Pirata13

Well you can definitely see others have gone through this and different choices they have made. You're definitely not alone, and probably the best thing to do is take it day by day.  It is very difficult dealing with people with mental illness.  Just know your limitations. And theirs--know like others have said that maybe they are doing the best they can. Or don't know how they are coming across.  Maybe going forward keep her involvement minimal, or with something that won't upset you if it's a little frazzled.  Hang in there!

MEGURP2010

Thanks for all the responses! My dad always said in every situation someone always has it worse then you. While I wish that wasn't the case for everyone who posted sake, these stories are a testament to that. It's nice to know others understand the feelings with this. My mother's symptoms have a lot to do with others opinions of her so other then my brother and sister, no one really experiences her behavior so the support group is not large. However, my sister is great and my twin brother is more than I can ask for. I focus and him and that helps. I think you all touched on the hope you have to have that special person involved and its just disappointing or in some cases devasting for many people to realize it just can't happen. The world will go on. Just a little sad.

Jenn&Liam

Hugs to you MEAMy mother has had issues with depression most of her life, and it has only been compounded by my father dumping her. Thankfully she is taking joy in helping me in any way see can with wedding planning(even tho we live almost 1000 miles apart).I know all about the little girl who wishes a parent would bond like the should...I have that with my father.I can't say I know what you are going thru, but my "inner 5 year old" is hugging her teddy bear, wishing her father could try to be a parent...and adult me knows it won't happen and both of us are sad.Wishing you all the best.

nyrek

I think that's a good point...a lot of similar situations, but many handled or looked at differently. Only you will know what's best for you. Good luck and many hugs!

dsouldiva

You are a bigger person than me, i don't think I will be able to let my mum get involved with the planning, I don't want to deal with the drama and stress and tantrums that will inevitably follow. I have prewarned people, the first they will know of me getting married is when the invite drops on their door mat, I know it's a crappy way of dealing with it but I just don't want to argue with her anymore, she's my mum and I love her. It's so tough, i really feel for you x Can you perhaps include her on details you really aren't that bothered about?

cinderellabride81

My mother and I have always gotten along really well. We joked about us being the GIlmore Girls. Their relationship reminded us of our relationship. It killed me not to include my mother in the wedding decisions, but I had to. She was giving me such a hard time and always veiwed it as losing a daughter instead of gaining a son. She did like DH when we were just friends but changed her tune when we started dating. She has taken to calling him names like "stupid" or "he's a boob" and things like that. I was miserable and I was always sick with a cold or severe migraines. My mom won't let me live it down that she didn't get to be with me on picking my dress. so I let her in on the choice of veil and tiara. she paid for those and my flowers, so that was all the say I let her have. She was driving me so crazy I moved in with DH 6 months before the wedding. She called my dad the day before the wedding and was threatening to kill herself. She only did that bc DH told her to stop upseting me or don't come to the wedding. Well, she did come and she behaved herself, but she wouldn't talk to or look at DH. Above all, It's YOUR wedding. Have what YOU want.

MEGURP2010

Hi Ladies, All your responses are really great. They help so much. My mother's brand of crazy is... special. Many of the examples I can give actually sound like normal mother things, she just executes them in her own special way. Long story short, she wakes up every day with a dream of how the day will go. The two consistent issues with the dream is it is unrealistic and not communicated to anyone. For example, one of our all time favorites is: Where do you want to go to eat. Yes, this is a trick question. We have trained ourselves to respond with, wherever you would like mother. She then replies, oh i dont care. Then TRAP. you suggest a place and the nervous break down begins because you did not guess the place she was hoping youd say. Minus the nervous break down it would be funny, but 26 years of it takes away the cuteness. Soooo when the day does not unfold the way she plans she either 1)pretends she didnt hear the change of plans and does her best to force everyone into her dream world or 2) everyones favorite: the nervous breakdown filled with threats of killing herself and wishing she never had us (yes, over not guessing the right place to eat)As you can imagine, knowing this happens on a daily basis with mundane occurances, wedding planning would be a true fun experience. So, for the most part so far, shes chosen option 1) the ignore and lie (you never told me that!). which is a better option and i am grateful forMost days I laugh, make jokes and focue on the wonderful man I am about to marry or my other amazing friends and family, but some days it just hits home. Why can't I have the normal mother who just wants too many people on the guest list or a certain type of flower? I really think every post here sounds worse then this, however, it is so comforting to hear that people get the feeling of failure and disappointment that can come with a family memeber who's just not with it. The 'five year old girl inside holding her teddy bear' really hits home.Lots of love ladies!MEA

posadagirl20

I am late on this but can relate in many ways.  My Mom has many issues.  She used to do drugs, shes bipolar and has ADHD.  I feel like I am her mother most of the time.  Shes so not a regular mother at all.  She never really seems very excited when I bring up the wedding and doesn't seem that interested in general.  I know that she is, she just isn't good at showing it.  I am trying to include her too but I wish she would be more active in asking questions and being helpful.  I'm not even asking her to pay for anything because I know she can't.  I just wish she could be more supportive like most mothers are.  Instead of her being there for me the roles are reversed.  I really want her to feel beautiful for my wedding.  im going to buy her dress and get her makeup and hair done.  My Mom got an infection in her brain from her job ( she takes care of elderly people and got an infection from one of them). Shes had 2 surgeries so far and has one to go. I am very grateful that I still have her and I love her with all of my heart.  With that said I still feel like it sucks to not have the typical Mom especially when getting married.  I guess you cant make someone be something that there not.  And they really can't help their mental status or issues that they have.  I hope I don't look selfish here.  I thank god every day that I didn't loose my Mom.  But I soooo hear what your saying.  Its nice to know that I'm not the only one and my heart goes out to you.  If you ever want to talk more leave me a message on the October 2010 board or leave your email and we will get in touch.  : )