Chit Chat

is mine the only one?!

My FI is 98% of the time a super loving sweet guy.  BUT, but a few drinks in him and put him near a few guys and he becomes such a jerk face.  We were having a cook out with the neighbors and he suddenly thinks he's king kong!  I leave in a huff and he comes home about 15min later telling me he loves me and he's just trying to have fun and I should loosen up.

He's 1 more stike from being on the couch.

Thoughts?

Re: is mine the only one?!

  • I'm going to need a lot more info to give you my thoughts. What does he do that makes him a jerk face? Does any of this involve him pulling his penis out or defecating on anyone? How is he like King Kong?
  • First, he thought it was funny to throw a piece of cheese at me, then snap at me for not catching it.  Then I try to tell him I'm tired from working all day and he retorts with, "that's not my problem."  He then tells me that my crap job is my own fault.  He just wants to look like Joe Cool.  Any other day of the week I have a terrible day at work he hugs me and tells me it's going to be ok.  AND!!!!!!!! he just sent me a text saying, hey you! get off the not (SIC).
  • I would talk to him. Thats not normal behavior, no matter how drunk you are. It isn't fair to you that he acts like a total d*ck. I would be seriously upset. Drinking does not excuse being an asshole.
  • I would talk to him and suggest that the two of you do some premarital counseling. This isn't normal behavior, even when someone's drinking. Throwing things at you isn't good in public or private.
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  • Has he ever done this before? If so, have you ever told him that it bothers you when he acts like an asshole?
  • Being drunk isn't an excuse for anything.  "I'm sorry I did XXX because I chose to consume alcohol" just doesn't fly with me.  if you cannot control yourself while drinking, then be man enough to drink responsibly. 

    You need to talk about then when he is sober.  Let him know how he made you feel and you don't want to feel that way again.   


    Funny DH story:  We were dating and went out to a German Beer Haus for a celebration with friends.  DH got really, really, really drunk.  I had never (and haven't since) seen him like that.  He was polkaing like a mad-man, spilling beverages everywhere, and telling pun-tastic jokes and then laughing so hard he couldn't breath...  All harmless, but annoying, none-the-less.  When it was time to go he tried to Lasso me into my scarf to help me get ready to go out in the freezing cold... only he ended up poking me in the eye.  It didn't hurt much, but my eyes started to water.  A lot. 

    DH noticed and thought I was crying.  He immediately starts to appologize profusely:  "I should never lay my hands on you!  There is no excuse for my abuse!  I should never hurt my baby!"  (DH never calls me baby).  I tried really hard to convince him that I was OK and I knew it was an accident, but he wasn't having any of that.  He still appologized for about 20 minutes.  "I should never lay my hands on you.  There is no excuse!" 

    My point of that story is that even when people are drunk, they usually know right from wrong or if they are being a jerkface or not. 
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  • colstj1colstj1 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    I'm sorry that I don't relate to this at all, but I just feel like no matter how much alcohol he consumes doesnt mean he should be rude or even semi rude to you. So, I would for sure sit down and let him know how this makes you feel and how it's not ok for him to act like this.
  • Yeah, knowing the difference between right and wrong dosen't evaporate when one is drunk.  Some people use it as an excuse to be a dck, though.
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  • We're back from the neighbors.  And the first thing he does is give me a big hug and tell me how sorry he is.  he was just trying to be funny.  It's like he gets stuck in this caveman mentality.  We're going to talk about it in the morning.  I don't understand why he has to try so hard to be the alpha male whenever he already is.  I know I don't post to the Chit Chat board very often, but thanks for letting me vent!  You girls rock
  • Beer makes FI sweet. Liquor makes him mean. He can go drink liquor with his friends, but not around me.
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  • cmp1986cmp1986 member
    First Comment

    I agree with the above girls, your should def. look into pre-martial counseling. I'm not a licensed therapist, but it sounds like he has some issues he needs to face. Does he drink a lot? If you are worried about his drinking or attitude toward you when drinking try talking to a family member (his or yours).

  • He doesn't drink a lot.  Whenever it's just us at home and we hae some beer/wine he's perfectly fine.  It's just when he drinks around people he becomes an ass.  I can't talk to his family because he doesn't drink around them and they don't drink at all.

    I made pancakes this morning and he's still apologizing for being mean to me last night.
  • edited May 2011
    Meh, I don't think it's necessarily a "end of the world, needs counseling" issue. My fi was the prez of a fraternity, and when he gets around those guys he turns into mr. macho. It's annoying, and there have been a couple times when he didn't "switch" and tried to el presidente me, and I took him aside and let him have it. He's much more careful about it now, at least. But that aside, we have an amazing relationship. Old habits I guess.

    ETA I should add this is a very rare occasion, so if it's happening with any consistency, something needs to be done, even if it means he doesn't drink anymore. 
  • Whether he drinks a little or a lot this is a glimpse into how your marriage will be.
  • I had the same issue with FI when he was around his friends, drinking or not.  It was almost a deal breaker. 

    We didn't jump on the counseling train; I decided to just tell him flat out that his personality change while with friends was going to be the reason I left him and that things need to change, now.  He would make it seem like my opinions were stupid - because I'm a girl.  It was Fred Flintstone shiit.  His friends would get on board with the insults and jokes and I felt very put-down around them.  There was one time he brought up the subject of me not changing my name - something he told me he was OK with.  All his friends got on my case, some saying things like "what, are you, gay?  That's what lesbians do." or "why even get married if you're not going to take your man's name?" and things to FI like "seriously?  You're going to marry a woman like that?  Take some control!"  I couldn't believe he threw me under the bus like that.

    So I just told him how it made me feel and that if he felt he needed to treat me like that in front of his friends to make himself feel good, I am just as happy to leave and find a man who had enough balls to treat me with respect all the time.  I told him this really made me realize that I couldn't love a man that treated me like that.  I was serious, and you should be too.  It's a issue with him - some kind of insecurity - and he needs to fix it.

    FI changed around quick, but if things didn't get better, I would have brought him to counseling to see if that would work.  He confessed that he felt he needed to impress those guys.  I know the pressure they put on him; they would make snide remarks about him being "whipped" if he was affectionate to me in front of them.  As it turns out, three years later, he's drifted apart from that group of guy friends anyway (on his own, I would never say he couldn't hang out with anyone).   I guess he grew up and they didn't; and he chose a  life with me over impressing them.
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  • He know's he's being mean, but he can't turn it off.  I'm not to the point where I think therapy is necessary.  We did discuss it and hopefully it won't happen again.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_mine-only-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:215e9817-6fd1-48fe-b17f-096d7be6efa6Post:5a6513a4-d1a1-4461-ab65-2d4600c3290f">Re: is mine the only one?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]He know's he's being mean, <strong>but he can't turn it off.</strong>  I'm not to the point where I think therapy is necessary.  We did discuss it and hopefully it won't happen again.
    Posted by murphanzo[/QUOTE]

    I agree about therapy not being necessary at the moment.  It doesn't seem like the issue is that horrible.  I don't agree with the "he can't turn it off" statement.  Every human being is in control of what they say or do so if he wants to act like an a$$ in front of his friends, he is choosing to do that.  It's not 3 beers that makes him change.  He can most definitely control what he says and how he says it, he simply chooses to act like an idiot.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_mine-only-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:215e9817-6fd1-48fe-b17f-096d7be6efa6Post:5a6513a4-d1a1-4461-ab65-2d4600c3290f">Re: is mine the only one?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]He know's he's being mean, but he can't turn it off.  I'm not to the point where I think therapy is necessary.  We did discuss it and hopefully it won't happen again.
    Posted by murphanzo[/QUOTE]

    Nonsense.  This is a lame excuse.  There are a lot of behaviors that are <strong>hard to change</strong>, but not impossible to turn off.  It takes practice, and a lot of will power from him.  This is why people go to therapy.

    It apparently is a <strong>habit</strong> that he has formed, so it will be the normal response he goes to when put in a situation where he needs to show his manhood.  HE needs to work on not needing to make fun of you in front of his friends to feel big.  He will have to "re-train" himself to be confident on his own. 

    And if it is something he can't control because alcohol is getting in the way, then maybe he needs to rethink having that drink.

    I don't buy that he can't "turn it off".  I can't believe that he would make that excuse instead of taking steps to change his behavior if he really cared about your feelings.
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    [QUOTE]Beer makes FI sweet. Liquor makes him mean. He can go drink liquor with his friends, but not around me.
    Posted by dragonwagon[/QUOTE]

    Mine too, mostly Whiskey turns him into a huge jackwad. I hate how he gets when he drinks it. I told him he can drink it whenever he wants however if he drinks it I will not be at the party, bar, ect. I don't care to see his behavior when he drinks it.
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