Christmas without FI! :( I would love some advice...

mrsgonzalez2b

OK... let me begin by saying that I am a person with strong opinions, but I am trying to be supportive (I really am)... but I need an outside viewpoint and encouragement in being supportive.

  So my oldest brother got engaged in September to a girl who is extremely high maintenance, but is very sweet.  When they got engaged my FI and I were already planning for our wedding in May.  She said she wanted to get married in April (the week of Easter) so it would be a "holiday" and everyone would be even more focused on them than if it were a "non-holiday" weekend.  Two months later- in November- she decided to make their wedding the DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS!!  They had to rush to get everything done.  The Invitations were still sent out like 10 days AFTER the requested RSVP date.  Not to mention, she included a color palate of what the guests are allowed to wear to their wedding!  My sister and I are "honorary bridesmaids" which I had never heard of until this wedding... 

(but back to spending Christmas without FI.)  When she decided to change the wedding date to Dec. 26 she was all excited and said to me, "Won't this be fun?! You and FI get to spend y'alls first Christmas engaged on a 'vacation'" (as the wedding location is 10 hours+ away from where we live). I told her that he works retail and will not be able to get off that day.  To that she said, "Oh well! You can have a party without him!" Ummm... I am really trying to be supportive here but they are making it very difficult!  I am a firm believer that the bride should be a princess on her wedding day, but to ruin everyone else's CHRISTMAS?!  I just don't agree with that! 

Any advice is welcomed... Please help me be positive about this situation... Thanks! 

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_christmas-fi-would-love-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2bd1e500-7819-477d-8ad5-568e6b5c351ePost:e877768f-385f-4f09-b587-c3024679ae3e">Christmas without FI! :( I would love some advice...</a>:
[QUOTE]OK... let me begin by saying that I am a person with strong opinions, but I am trying to be supportive (I really am)... but I need an outside viewpoint and encouragement in being supportive.   So my oldest brother got engaged in September to a girl who is extremely high maintenance, but is very sweet.  When they got engaged my FI and I were already planning for our wedding in May.  She said she wanted to get married in April (the week of Easter) so it would be a "holiday" and everyone would be even more focused on them than if it were a "non-holiday" weekend.  Two months later- in November-<u> </u><strong><u>she decided to make their wedding the DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS</u>!!</strong>  They had to rush to get everything done.  The Invitations were still sent out like 10 days AFTER the requested RSVP date.  Not to mention, she included a color palate of what the guests are allowed to wear to their wedding!  My sister and I are "honorary bridesmaids" which I had never heard of until this wedding...  (but back to spending Christmas without FI.)  When she decided to change the wedding date to Dec. 26 she was all excited and said to me, "Won't this be fun?! You and FI get to spend y'alls first Christmas engaged on a 'vacation'" (as the wedding location is 10 hours+ away from where we live). I told her that he works retail and will not be able to get off that day.  To that she said, "Oh well! You can have a party without him!" Ummm... I am really trying to be supportive here but they are making it very difficult!  I am a firm believer that the bride should be a princess on her wedding day, but to ruin everyone else's CHRISTMAS?!  I just don't agree with that!  Any advice is welcomed... Please help me be positive about this situation... Thanks! 
Posted by mrsgonzalez2b[/QUOTE]

Your brother is as much to blame for the December 26 wedding as she is, so stop laying it all on her.

tidetravel

"FSIL, I'm sorry, but I we won't be able to attend.  I hope you have a wonderful wedding."

The end.

redheadfsu

Yep, it is your brother's fault too. But I sincerely doubt they are trying to ruin Christmas. Both you & your FI can decline.

garcias1

Your brother and FSIL don't sound the like the brightest tools in the shed, but I don't know if they meant to ruin Christmas.  I would just decline if I were you.  It's awfully short notice to ask people to travel 10+ hours, and I wouldn't leave FI home alone on Christmas because he has to work the next day.  Your brother and FSIL will have to learn this lesson the hard way, especially since I bet that many people will be declining the invitation on such short notice.

What do your parents and other relatives think about all of this?

tldh

Ditto that it's also your brother's fault.  And she is only ruining everyone's Christmas if they attend.  A cousin of mine thought she'd be smart when getting married the same year as her sister.  Little sis got married in June, Big sis decided to get married Thanksgiving weekend because people would only want to make one trip.  They did.  They came to Little sis' June wedding because they had their own Thanksgiving traditions that they weren't going to mess with.

Personally, I wouldn't skip my brother's wedding; hopefully, this is a once in a lifetime event.  You'll have other Christmases.  DH and I had Chrsitmases apart for one reason or another before, you just make up for it later.

Also - please get it out of your mindset that a Bride should be a princess on her wedding day.  If it works out that way, great, but this princess was up at 6:30 on her wedding day decorating and then spent the rest of the day making sure everything was on schedule.

[Deleted User]

I am kinda torn on this one. Yes, it is just as much her fault as it is your brother's that they changed the wedding date, however, regardless of the date they choose, not everyone is going to be able to attend anyway. The day after Christmas is no excpetion.

I think you will survive without your FI for a few days. H and I were in a LDR for about 6 months. We lived about 10 hrs away. It was definitely hard, but there were times we could see each other.

And last Christmas, H worked nearly all day so I was home by myself. Yes, it was hard, I won't lie. But I stayed busy cooking and baking and having a wonderful meal prepared for him when he did get home. You guys could always celebrate Christmas together after the wedding is over. Even though it won't be on the day, it will still be the season.

sister2groom

Celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve (I say this knowing full well that's what I already do, so it wouldn't be all that tough for me emotionally to spend Christmas apart from loved ones). I don't care how much of a jerk my sibling or future IL was being, it stinks but I would do everything in my power to make it to my brother's wedding. You'll have 50+ Christmases with your FI/H.

Basically, you're right and they're wrong but I don't think holding to the principle of it and missing your brother's wedding will be worth it in 10 years.

megk8oz

You're brother is equally at fault here, so full blame should not be given to just your FSIL. The color palette on the invites, the honorary bridesmaid thing (Which, there's a reason you've "never heard of it before": it's a bullsh!t title), the choice of date ... all of these things he could have said "no" to, and he didn't. So if you're going to be mad about it, be mad at both of them.

Personally, even under the sucky circumstances, if you are capable of going, I'd say go. Yes, I wouldn't want to spend Christmas without DH, but I also wouldn't be able to live with missing my own brother's wedding if the only thing stopping me from attending was that I'd be going "alone". I'd just make it a point to celebrate "Christmas" with your FI either right before you leave or right after you get home.

FWIW, less than a month after my own wedding, one of my aunts got married in a wedding that was planned very last minute. Because DH has a retail-like schedule and had to jump through tons of hoops just to get off for our own wedding, he had to work that day. I wound up going without him. It was kind of bummy at first, (It seemed totally weird that the first wedding I went to as a married woman I was rolling stag for the night)... but for the most  part, I actually had a great time. I knew 1/2 the guest list, and my family is tons of fun at weddings.

mrsgonzalez2b

Thank you all so much for your reponses!

#1- I completely agree that my brother is just as much to blame as she is!  Thing is I wouldn't expect anything less than this from him.  He and I don't exactly get along, but I do love him. He is just not a very considerate person.  But I didn't think someone could be less considerate than he is. By this, I mean it was not his idea to have the wedding on that day.  He's just completely oblivious to all the wedding plans. My FI would absolutely tell me no!  but that's just my brother, I guess...

#2- I'm absolutely not "attached to my FI at the hip" as it might appear.  We were in a long distance relationship for over a year and a half.  The reason it's such a big deal is Christmas Day is not just Christmas, but it's also his BIRTHDAY!!! So it just makes me want to be with him that much more. 

He is the sweetest person on earth, He is totally not complaining about it and is adamant that I go.  I know he is disappointed, but he knows that I am already frustrated enough and him expressing his disappointment would only make it worse for me. 

#3 We are planning to celebrate Christmas after I come back, because my amazing FI said he wants me to have something to look forward to afterwards... He wants me to still be in the Christmas mood...

 

#4 Thanks again everyone!  It's nice to hear that I am not wrong for the way I feel... Dealing with my family feels like I'm in a Twilight Zone sometimes! Nobody else will tell my brother that he's wrong for having the wedding on this day, and when I do, they all get mad at me.  They are like "Nobody will be the way you're being when it's your turn." May is not a holiday... so it's TOTALLY different.  Anyways--- thanks knotties!   

HobokensFury

I agree with PP. 

1) Don't put the blame only on FSIL, it's your brother's fault as well.
2) Just don't go.  Trust me you woun't be the only one unable to drop everything for this wedding.
3) If you choose to go not spending Christmas (and his birthday) with FI is not the end of the world.  It's a bummer but you can celebrate another day.

Good Luck in whatever you decide.

LowerEastSiiide

eek I think you have to go to your own brother's wedding, It could ruin your relationship with him if you don't and I doubt you want to do that. They sound a little selfish but suck it up and go. You'll have other Christmases 

jerseydevil

That just sucks, but family is family. It's awesome that your FI is so supportive and understanding, so enjoy your trip and enjoy the wedding and be thankful that he is being so great about the whole thing.

NillaWafer10

It's inconvenient, but it's only one year that you will have to be gone on his birthday and Christmas.  

I agree with LowerEastSide that not going could seriously affect your relationship with your family.

Rachel5527

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_christmas-fi-would-love-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2bd1e500-7819-477d-8ad5-568e6b5c351ePost:2b0fa584-2953-448e-b07e-df99f499a637">Re: Christmas without FI! :( I would love some advice...</a>:
[QUOTE]"FSIL, I'm sorry, but I we won't be able to attend.  I hope you have a wonderful wedding." The end.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

  THIS

Hietaro

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_christmas-fi-would-love-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2bd1e500-7819-477d-8ad5-568e6b5c351ePost:4f2bf497-e27f-4dad-8d0c-c3d7a0fdb60b">Re: Christmas without FI! :( I would love some advice...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am kinda torn on this one. Yes, it is just as much her fault as it is your brother's that they changed the wedding date, however, regardless of the date they choose, not everyone is going to be able to attend anyway. The day after Christmas is no excpetion. I think you will survive without your FI for a few days. H and I were in a LDR for about 6 months. We lived about 10 hrs away. It was definitely hard, but there were times we could see each other. And last Christmas, H worked nearly all day so I was home by myself. Yes, it was hard, I won't lie. But I stayed busy cooking and baking and having a wonderful meal prepared for him when he did get home. You guys could always celebrate Christmas together after the wedding is over. Even though it won't be on the day, it will still be the season.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE] This. My FI and I were also in an LDR for 6 months, at 4.5 hours away from each other. We had to drive back and forth over 300 miles to see each other every other week or so during that time frame until we moved in together. Besides that, my FI has now had to work Thanksgiving [4pm-1230am with a 45 minute commute], will be working the same shift on Christmas Eve, and may possibly have to do so on New Years Eve as well. So I'm sure one or two days without your FI isn't going to kill you. Like what was mentioned in PP, presumably, your brother only gets married once; you and your FI have many many Chirstmases to spend together. You should be there to support him, even if you aren't entirely fond of your FSIL. Yeah, it sucks that it has to be the day after Christmas and that they just moved it like that, but sh*t happens. It's both of their faults, don't just blame it on her. Like Missy said, just celebrate early or late. You do what you have to to accomodate other aspects of your life.

Pesapenny

This is totally ridiculous and silly. She's not even your sister, if anyone should be up in arms about this, and be stressing, it's your FI.

Like others have said, don't go, and send a gift.

If you do go, realize being apart is not so horrible, although it sort of sucks. I was in a long distance relationship for four years- you just deal with it.

flapper2011

Just be thankful knowing you will have many more Christmases to come with your FI. If you miss one Christmas/birthday with him, you will always have next year.
My FI and I will be spending Christmas apart this year. And  to be honest I don't know if we will be together next year. We were supposed to get married next November. Now I don't know what the future holds.
Spending Christmas away from your FI in order to attend your brother's wedding is not the end of the world. Spending Christmas apart because your world has suddenly been ripped apart is a lot worse.