holiday hell

gladgladys

Hi All
Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and a nice extended weekend to follow. I did, up until today. Which is why I am writing this post. I am newly married, and this was our first Thanksgiving as a married couple. Last year, while we were engaged we split up on Thanksgiving to go to our own families, it seemed like the easiest way due to work obligations and proximity to each family.
This year however, my parents requested my dh be with us for the day. So he spent half the day with his brother and then came to see my family. No biggie. The following day traditionally in my family is "turkey soup day Nov birthday day" my mom and her twin were born on their brothers 4th bday. This year happened to be my moms 60th birthday so its was kind of a big deal. I invited my mom, my 2 uncles and my cousins over to celebrate. Now little back story, theres been some bad blood between my uncle and I and my mom for the past year or so. So this was going to be the first time we were all together in close quarters for over a year.
Now everything went off without a hitch and it was a nice birthday party and we all enjoyed ourselves. Fast forward to today... Dh's sister calls him and tells him she is highly insulted that she wasnt invited with her family also. And she proceeded to ream out DH on the phone about how I apparently am against having our families intermingled, and how she goes out of her way to invite us over for things and so on and so on.
And I am sitting here flabbergasted by all of this. For one thing, when I was growing up, my parents never intermingled families, so this isnt a concept or tradition Im familiar with. We split our time between my moms family and my dads family. The two were never together unless it was a big anniversary, wedding, or death.
And the other thing is that I have invited her and her family to things and gotten "no's" right off the bat. Last year I invited them for Christmas day and she left before dinner was served. She refused the invite to her brohers birthday party, and she didnt come to my 30th birthday. So it certainly isnt that I dont invite her to things. I just didnt think to invite her to my mom and uncles bdays.
But now I feel like I am being thrown into this "bad guy" profile for this situation, and Im not sure how to handle it.
She is saying shes feeling hurt, and I never intended that. But she is also throwing a pretty hefty accusation about me also by saying I am intentionally keeping her family away. I would never do that. So now I dont know what to do.
Thoughts?! Comments? Similair situations? Plz give me some feedback... I could use it. Thanks.

kerbohl

My parents never really intermingled families either.  Her accusation seems really out there - is it possible that she is creating drama just to get attention?  I don't know what kind of person she is, but taking something like this in such an over-the-top way just seems really excessive.  I think the best thing is just have a chat, mention that you weren't aware that she was expecting an invite, and just include her in some family events in the future.  I wouldn't invite her to all of them though, since you mentioned she often says no.  Maybe just a few here and there . . .

gladgladys

Thanks ladies. My DH was just as shocked as I was at her reaction. Especially since he had contacted her the week before to see what her Thanksgiving plans were mind you she is 40 years old with her own husband and 3 children she seemed to have plans. She has a very overbearing control freak kind of personality. So when she makes her mind up that shes been wronged, theres no changing it or reasoning with her. My Dh talked to her again and said he was sorry that she felt badly, and that was never the intention. And she said thats fine but it doesnt change anything. Now i am a very kind patient person, but when im pushed i tend to push back and i am really trying to refrain from doing that. But i feel like my character is being attacked by her over something that could have easily been explained to her had she approached it in a calm manner. Now my guard is up. I agree that i think she is trying to instigate a problem. Her and her mother have been trying to do this since dh and I started dating im not their choice for him... Hes the "golden child" in the family. My bachelorette party was completely altered b/c of her, and I just grinned and bared it. So part of me thinks that ignoring her bad behavior is sufficient, since it seems her goal is to create friction. But the other part is ready to say something. But I know if I do it wont be just a simple conversation. I appreciate you all taking the time to read and give advice!! Thanks ladies

jennylee813

I hear you.

My ex's sister was like this as well, and it was all about drama and attention. My only piece of advice to you is to let your DH deal with his family and you deal with yours when issues arise.  Your best bet is to ignore her attack and move on. If he decides to discuss it with her, let him do it, and you need to stay out of it. Otherwise (voice of experience here) you WILL be the bad guy. It sounds like she's totally looking for a reaction so she can have proof that you are indeed evil.

Don't give her the satisfaction.

gladgladys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_holiday-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:3e818c5e-15a9-4d45-bcf6-6986e374b2edPost:8ceb9082-a7d1-48e4-9084-70306d4a7615">Re: holiday hell</a>:
[QUOTE]I hear you. My ex's sister was like this as well, and it was all about drama and attention. My only piece of advice to you is to let your DH deal with his family and you deal with yours when issues arise.  Your best bet is to ignore her attack and move on. If he decides to discuss it with her, let him do it, and you need to stay out of it. Otherwise (voice of experience here) you WILL be the bad guy. It sounds like she's totally looking for a reaction so she can have proof that you are indeed evil. Don't give her the satisfaction.
Posted by jennylee813[/QUOTE]



Thanks jennylee. Up until now I have let everything go that has bothered me about her. Thus one kind of stuck the nail in the coffin. I will leave it alone, mainly for dh's sanity. But I am certainly not going to be able to forget this one. It just verifys what Ive thought all along, which is that she doesnt like me, never has, and isnt willing to sway her opinion, flawed though it may be. Did I mention that I even went out of my way to make her my MOH, because I thought it was the right thing to do even though it emded up causing all sorts of issues with my aunt and uncle.... And even that wasnt enough. I didnt plan my weddding to her liking, and I supposedly kept her side of the family in the dark. Ridic.
This is.my second marriage. So I wanted a small intimTe wedding, which is what I planned. And it really didnt require a whole lot of help, or guidance from anyone. Im ocd when it cones to things, and i dont like leaving major events up to someone else. So i did it on.my own. She complained about that, tried to include her then after explaining how i am, she had no time. I didnt want a shower, (dont like being the center of attention, and i thought it was tacky being this is my second) threw me one anyway. Sorry.. Now im just venting because its all in the forefront of my mind.
Anyway, she has pulled some sneaky conniving b.s., and now I know she really is what I thought.. Sad.

CALEO

I would just ignore her and invite her next time.

erinlin25

yeah that would be weird to invite your inlaws (especially the sister) to your moms/uncles birthday unless they were really close friends.  If it were Christmas and you were hosting I can see intermingling the families, but its not like every event in your lives now has to be joined!  Kinda crazy on her part.  you H needs to reason with her and all just move on.  Holidays can get tricky with two families, so everyone just has to be flexible.  We alternate each holiday (example this year we did Thanksgiving with FI family and will do Christmas with my family).  Last year was opposite.  Holidays I can see working out a schedule, but birthdays  (especially for inlaws) are totally uneccessary!  I have a feeling I will deal with a crazy sister in law too so I feel your pain!  FI deals with her when she gets crazy and I just ignore the attention-seeking bahavior.  Let H deal with her

MrsGandthebeag

If it were me I'd probably call her up and say something.  I don't like people talking crap behind my back and this sounds like it would've been the last straw.