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Major FMIL frustration, NWR

My fiance and I have been living with his mom for a few months now, saving up for the wedding and to buy a house.  I was under the impression that everything was going fine.  It now seems that I was quite wrong.

Last night, I was waiting for someone to pick me up to go out after work, but my fiance's mom must have thought I had already left.  Her best friend called her to talk.  For some reason, she always talks on speakerphone.  From downstairs I heard her refer to me as "the princess" in a really condescending tone.  She went on to tell her friend that I "just prance around the house all the time, not lifting a finger to do anything."  I was shocked! Fortunately, my friend knocked on the door at that time and I left.  I have no idea if she knows I heard her.

I am really upset about what she said because it came out of nowhere!  For what it's worth, I do virtually all the dishes at the house, clean bathrooms, vacuum, do laundry, clean up after her annoying, non-housebroken, dog, etc.  This weekend specifically, I asked her repeatedly what I could do to help her with her gardening and opening the pool and she repeatedly told me "nothing, don't worry about it"

I kinda think it might be coming from her thinking that i'm taking her only son away from her or something. . . but i'm pretty upset about it, and don't know what to do.

I spoke to my fiance about it and he told me that I need to remember that she is impossible to deal with, and nothing will ever be good enough for her. Ugghh!!!

Re: Major FMIL frustration, NWR

  • kaos16kaos16
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    member
    Oh, I am very grateful that she is letting us live with her for minimal rent.  It has been quite helpful for us. 

    She was pretty excited when her son told her that we were accepting her offer to move in.

    Like I said though, I just feel like it came out of nowhere, because I had no idea that's what she thought about me.  It was just upsetting to hear her say something like that, you know?



  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    I agree with Linger, no matter how great of a relationship you have with your FMIL, moving into her house is never, NEVER, a good idea.  Everyone has different ways of living and they way you live may not match up to the way she lives.

    It sucks that you heard her conversation but at this point I would just let it go.  No matter how you bring it up it will just look like you were ease dropping in on her personal conversation...which is never a good thing.

    I would talk with your FI about trying to find a reasonable priced apartment to move in to.  Tell him that you think you have imposed on your FMIL long enough and that it may be a good time to move out.

  • I was in a similar situation. FI and I met online and then I moved to his town when I finished school. He lived with his mom in the family house and he paid most of the bills. Neither of them owned the house, so technically it wasn't "her" house, but she was definitely "queen B" and wore the pants. I had a really hard time living there b/c FI and I ended up paying the majority of the housing costs and he had to get on her case every month to contribute more. Before I came, he didn't really see a problem with paying most of the bills, so of course, she knew that I was influencing him to ask her to contribute more and she did NOT like that. But of course, I had serious issues with the way she spent money on random things she wanted, but then couldn't help with groceries, etc. She expected FI to use his student loans to pay for HER stuff! Ugh, it still makes me mad.

    But slowly, over time, the two of them worked things out and after about 5 months, I was able to get my own apartment after I found a job (FI and I didn't want to live together, it was only temporary). The funny thing is, when I was looking for an apartment, she kept making comments that I didn't have to move out, that I was welcome to stay there. Well of course, b/c I'm helping FI pay the bills and I'm one more person you can socialize with when you're lonely (she would seriously pace back and forth outside my bedroom on the weekends waiting for me to get up so she could sit and have her coffee and talk for like 2 hours - um, sorry, but I sleep in on the weekends and I don't even drink coffee).

    So, things got way way better when I was able to move out. FI still has to put up with her and sometimes calls me to vent, but things have gotten better. She is slowly cutting the chord. We're still concerned about our HM, though, b/c she wants FI to check in with her while we're traveling. Um, no thanks, he's a grown man and does not need to check in with his mommy. I cut the chords with my parents years ago and have a great relationship with them and I won't be checking in with them on my HM!

    Well, that was a lot longer than I anticipated, but the bottome line is you have to be the bigger person and do what's best for you and FI. Like PPs have said, you really need to move out on your own, either both of you together, or one of you. Maybe you can even find a room to rent with some roomies - it would be a lot better than living with FMIL!

    Good luck.
  • kaos16kaos16
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    member
    I don't plan to say anything to her about it, which is why I was venting here. . . . I feel better talking it out.
  • Just a question - which will come first, the wedding, or the house purchase?  How much longer do you plan on living with FMIL? 

    I agree with PPs - you need to make sure you do not eavesdrop the best way you can.  It is her house, so if she wants to talk on speakerphone, or clean the house naked, that is her right.  Learn to ignore her. 
    Anniversary
  • Agree that mistake number 1 was moving in with your FMIL.  How much longer are you planning on staying there?  Is it possible to move out sooner than you expected to? Maybe even work a second part time job in order to be able to afford to do so and continue saving?
  • I seriously would suggest you two moving out. Even if you move into a housing share situation with someone.   Living with in-laws sucks. It's better to save a little less each month and live independently.

  • kaos16kaos16
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    member
    We have been there for about 4 months now. . . . we were planning to stay for a year.  The wedding is in September.
  • Just a suggestion, but maybe you should scale back big time on the wedding, and proactively hunt for either a house to purchase, or at least find a place to rent.  Sounds like your FMIL wants her privacy back. 

    BTW, if you and FI knew beforehand his mother is "impossible to deal with", why in the world did you move in with her?
    Anniversary
  • kaos16kaos16
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    member
    In Response to Re: Major FMIL frustration, NWR:
    BTW, if you and FI knew beforehand his mother is "impossible to deal with", why in the world did you move in with her?
    Posted by AbbeyS2011
    I had not had any glaring negative experiences with her.  Frankly I took my fiance's comments about his mom being difficult and/or impossible as I would most people saying that about their own parent. 
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