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Struggling with eating disorder, feeling scared

This is a bit of a personal post. I apologize in advance.

I was hospitalized for my eating disorder in 2009, and now that I am 3 weeks away from walking down the aisle, I have basically relapsed. 

My FI knows about it, but is unaware of the extent of my recent struggle. 

As with most EDs, it's not about vanity and losing weight. It's more about control and coping with trama of sorts. 

I've definitely been feeling the stress of planning and paying for this whole thing myself, in addition to MANY other issues (my father having terminal cancer among them). I've become consumed with my figure and how I"m going to look in my dress.

All I see are fat upper arms and back fat hanging over my dress. I feel the farthest thing from a beautiful bride and instead of enjoying this time in my life, I'm dreading it immensely because all I can think about is being "fat" on my wedding day. 

I have body dysmorphic disorder. I don't see myself the way I really am. My body image is literally distorted and lost to the illness. I've been restricting intake again and even purging again on occasion. 

I do not have insurance and cannot seek professional help at this time. I just feel like I'm falling apart. 
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