Chit Chat

Family Drama (mine!!)

My first post so bear with me :) Little bit of a rant but I also need some advice.

My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. He proposed last Thursday evening. It was awesome and I'm so super happy! He's a wonderful man and I can't wait to be his wife. This will be my second (and final) marriage and his first-we're both 30.

We wanted to tell our parents in person and waited until Christmas when we went to family gatherings to tell everyone. We're pretty low key so we didn't make a huge deal about it with our families and I wasn't expecting screams of excitement or anything. His family was fine. My family on the other hand, was not. Thank God we told my parents in private. My mother completely humiliated me by saying he was getting the bad end of the deal and I was getting the good end of the deal. She asked if we set a date and when I said no she suggested the same date as my first wedding (which ended very badly). This was all said in a humerous way but there was no humor in it.

Later in the day my sister and I were at our parents visiting with our elderly uncle. I didn't want to announce it in front of everyone and have another embarrassing jab made at me. I wanted to tell them myself but my mother grabbed my hand, flashing the beautiful ring he bought me, and pointed it out to my sister. I was completely shocked that she stole my moment. She then proceeded to ask me when he asked and freaked smooth out when I said Thursday night (2 days before). She threw a fit in front of everyone and huffed out of the room saying why did I bother telling them and I didn't even have to invite them (my parents) to the wedding.

I'm totally stressed out about planning a wedding. My fiance's family on both sides are close-knit and very loving and supportive of each other. My parents have a cruel sense of humor and like to embarrass people, and sorry to say, but lack public manners (not the worst I've seen but still). I'm concerned about how my my parents will behave at our wedding. I've talked to them before about their jokes and behavior in public (out of place as their kid, I know) and it's worse than before. They think they are just being funny. They tell off-color jokes and my mom pries for personal information. Is there a nice way to sit my parents down and talk to them about this before the wedding? I feel terrible even asking this but surely I'm not the first person to deal with this.

Thanks :)

Re: Family Drama (mine!!)

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_family-drama-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:c69a4994-a952-4868-9707-95a784784e45Post:28ddee9e-9379-49c4-80ee-b94a3ff64b78">Family Drama (mine!!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]My first post so bear with me :) Little bit of a rant but I also need some advice. My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. He proposed last Thursday evening. It was awesome and I'm so super happy! He's a wonderful man and I can't wait to be his wife. This will be my second (and final) marriage and his first-we're both 30. We wanted to tell our parents in person and waited until Christmas when we went to family gatherings to tell everyone. We're pretty low key so we didn't make a huge deal about it with our families and I wasn't expecting screams of excitement or anything. His family was fine. My family on the other hand, was not. Thank God we told my parents in private. My mother completely humiliated me by saying he was getting the bad end of the deal and I was getting the good end of the deal. She asked if we set a date and when I said no she suggested the same date as my first wedding (which ended very badly). This was all said in a humerous way but there was no humor in it. Later in the day my sister and I were at our parents visiting with our elderly uncle. I didn't want to announce it in front of everyone and have another embarrassing jab made at me. I wanted to tell them myself but my mother grabbed my hand, flashing the beautiful ring he bought me, and pointed it out to my sister. I was completely shocked that she stole my moment. She then proceeded to ask me when he asked and freaked smooth out when I said Thursday night (2 days before). She threw a fit in front of everyone and huffed out of the room saying why did I bother telling them and I didn't even have to invite them (my parents) to the wedding. I'm totally stressed out about planning a wedding. My fiance's family on both sides are close-knit and very loving and supportive of each other. My parents have a cruel sense of humor and like to embarrass people, and sorry to say, but lack public manners (not the worst I've seen but still). I'm concerned about how my my parents will behave at our wedding. I've talked to them before about their jokes and behavior in public (out of place as their kid, I know) and it's worse than before. They think they are just being funny. They tell off-color jokes and my mom pries for personal information. Is there a nice way to sit my parents down and talk to them about this before the wedding? I feel terrible even asking this but surely I'm not the first person to deal with this. Thanks :)
    Posted by WendyCB[/QUOTE]


    While I know it is annoying, your Mom reminds me of my Mom a lot. My Mom likes to embarass me, but has gotten better now that she knows I don't put up with her sh!t and haven't for several years now.

    I think the best thing to do in this situation is have a talk with her and tell her that she has the right to her thoughts and opinions, but needs to keep her mouth shut in public and around other family members. Tell her that you are an adult and while she may not be happy with your decision to marry your FI, that is for her to keep to herself. You are an adult and are quite capable of making your own decsions.

    I would tell her (this is what I had to do with my Mom) that you would like them at the wedding, but if they can't keep their mouths shut for one day, then you would rather they not come. I know this may sound harsh, but it worked for me when I told my Mom this.

    The other thing I would do is NOT involve her in the wedding planning in any way, shape or form. I wouldn't even talk wedding when she is around and if she asks you about how this or that is coming along, just change the subject or say "good" but don't go into any details and end it right there.

    I know dealing with parents and families isn't easy. My Mom is a big pita, but things have gotten better since I set her straight and she knows I don't take her crap anymore. She likes to still try to manipulate and control me, but I don't back down. She knows my H is my first priority now. Good luck.
  • Oh thank you so much. That's good advice and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who's dealt with this. I already decided I wasn't including her in the wedding planning. I know it'll hurt her feelings but this is an exciting time for me and don't want to be put down and nervous about what will pop out of her mouth next. My fiance and I had been talking about marriage prior to this and as soon as we did she started doing really weird stuff like trying to give us her wedding ring (my parents are still married and she still wears it) and pulling out her unpreserved wedding dress from 1975 and suggesting I wear it. Each time I polietely declined she got upset. I know it won't go over well.
  • Your welcome.

    Congrats! And happy planning.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_family-drama-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:c69a4994-a952-4868-9707-95a784784e45Post:66e54e30-3e26-490d-8158-df40f30a201c">Re: Family Drama (mine!!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Missy - your mom & my mom could be long lost sisters.  For real. OP - That was great advice (Missy's).  Plan the wedding that you & your FI can afford and steer clear of wedding talk with your mother.  Negative people like that really make themselves look bad.  It took me a lot of years to get over my mother's criticizing every damn thing I do, but I finally did. Just remember if she acts like a tool on your wedding day, that it's no reflection on you.
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]


    You know what they say about that one...lol. Yeah, it was rough early on, but thanks to my DH I learned how to handle her and put her in her place. And it has worked for the most part. And I guess it helps that we live 650 miles away from her even though she will stil try every now and then to control me or get me to do things for her.
  • Missy's advice is excellent.  Good luck with your planning!
    Anniversary
  • lol, yea I wish there were 650 miles between us, but no such luck.
  • jcbsjr: That's funny, sounds like me and my mine. The crazy thing is I chose to buy a home close to my parents (about a mile away) since she watched my daughter when she was a baby (and I worked). She used to drop in on me but after a couple of times of giving her the "I have things to do" 'tude she got the hint and stopped. She'd come in and want to organize my stuff, tell me my living room would look better such and such way, blah blah blah.
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