Groom issues

callimusic1

My FH and I have been together for 2 years, lived together for 6 months and have been engaged for 4 months.  Our wedding is in 7 months and I just discovered that he has been doing something I am stongly against behind my back for the entire time we have lived together.  He says he will stop, but I am really struggling with whether I can work through this and rebuild the trust that has now been broken.  I love him but I don't like the way this is making me feel.  I feel hurt, angry, sad and disappointed and just don't know how to handle it...

JadziaDax

I'm sorry to hear this. You definitely needs to talk things out with him... what is the severity of his actions? Can you be just a little more specific? (sorry if I sound nosey).

ChanelShades

Yeah....my response will be tailored to what he is doing. If it is cheating, then you may need to call the whole thing off. If it is being apart of a fantasy football league on Monday nights with 4 friends you hate....you have to just look past that. If it is talking to his ex while you are asleep every night....then consider how much trust is broken and whether you can forgive him.

Just determine if you can be with someone who has done WHATEVER IT IS. Remember marriage is for a lifetime.....and you deserve the best for your lifetime. 

kimp67

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:daa170a9-e60f-42b0-b212-aae1d015605ePost:c0f2a9e6-55ba-4634-8a62-da9782eea5c1">Groom issues</a>:
[QUOTE]My FH and I have been together for 2 years, lived together for 6 months and have been engaged for 4 months.  Our wedding is in 7 months and I just discovered that he has been doing something I am stongly against behind my back for the entire time we have lived together.  He says he will stop, but I am really struggling with whether I can work through this and rebuild the trust that has now been broken.  I love him but I don't like the way this is making me feel.  I feel hurt, angry, sad and disappointed and just don't know how to handle it...
Posted by callimusic1[/QUOTE]

Wow, I don't know what to tell you.  Being that it is something that you're "strongly against" & he has been doing it for the last 6 months, behind your back, I'm going to say even if he stops NOW it's going to take you a lot longer than the next 7 months to rebuild your trust. Has he always known your feelings about this? If he has he obviously didn't care how you felt about it & continued doing it anyway.  That throws major flags up.  This is the man you're planning to marry.  Every person is different, but I think I would postpone the wedding.  Sorry you're going through this, whatever it is.

[Deleted User]

It is definitely hard to say without knowing the issue, but assuming it is pretty serious and would hinder a marriage, I think you both need to take some steps back and re-evaluate things. Get counseling if necessary unless the relationship is totally irreparable.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:daa170a9-e60f-42b0-b212-aae1d015605ePost:f059f305-f297-40fa-9907-2fbe7f47893e">Re: Groom issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Groom issues : <strong>Wow, I don't know what to tell you.  Being that it is something that you're "strongly against" & he has been doing it for the last 6 months, behind your back, I'm going to say even if he stops NOW it's going to take you a lot longer than the next 7 months to rebuild your trust. Has he always known your feelings about this? If he has he obviously didn't care how you felt about it & continued doing it anyway.  That throws major flags up.</strong>  This is the man you're planning to marry.  Every person is different, but I think I would postpone the wedding.  Sorry you're going through this, whatever it is.
Posted by kimp67[/QUOTE]

I think it depends on what it is.  If it's cheating or taking heroin - okay, okay.  Red flag city.  If it's something more like hanging out with people she just hates, then a deep breath and a conversation is needed.  A rational conversation.

A mini example: My fiance smokes.  I begged him during college to quit and he tried, but inevitably he picked it up again.  Finally I realized that it is his life and his choice.  Not everyone can reach that kind of opinion and I totally respect that, but to throw away our relationship because he smoked just seemed crazy to me.

If you want to share what he is doing, we can probably offer some more thoughtful advice.  No pressure.

kimp67

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:daa170a9-e60f-42b0-b212-aae1d015605ePost:2aac49da-9d5d-4486-8d1f-39955eab38bd">Re: Groom issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom issues : I think it depends on what it is.  If it's cheating or taking heroin - okay, okay.  Red flag city.  If it's something more like hanging out with people she just hates, then a deep breath and a conversation is needed.  A rational conversation. A mini example: My fiance smokes.  I begged him during college to quit and he tried, but inevitably he picked it up again.  Finally I realized that it is his life and his choice.  Not everyone can reach that kind of opinion and I totally respect that, but to throw away our relationship because he smoked just seemed crazy to me. If you want to share what he is doing, we can probably offer some more thoughtful advice.  No pressure.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Very good points, the part that gets me though is the behind the back part & him doing it the whole time they've lived together.  Whatever "it" is..........

HobokensFury

I'd like to help but I need to know what he's doing in order to.

jmkes

I agree with pp's - it would depend on the severity of what he is doing.  If he's cheating then kick him to the curb because he likely won't stop.  If it's something you are morally against (like porn for example) you need to talk that out with him and seek counseling because a marriage will be hard if you two don't match up in regards to your values.

msblumoo

 If it's something you are morally against (like porn for example) you need to talk that out with him and seek counseling because a marriage will be hard if you two don't match up in regards to your values.

This!  as pp said. I think you hit the nail on the head!

JenGin74

My guess would be porn.

jenn.daniel

I'm assuming he knows you are strongly opposed to whatever it is he's been doing.  Whatever it is, it's bad he's hiding something from you. 

Did he tell you why he's done this?  Some sort of trigger like an old friend coming to town so they're smoking pot (random example, not saying that's what he's doing)?  Or trouble at work?  If he started doing something because of some sort of stressor, that could be forgivable and he may not do it again. ***

On the other hand, if he started drinking a case of beer every night just because he felt like it, I'm not sure he wouldn't do it again.

*** I'm not saying being stressed is an excuse for doing something you think it wrong, but IMO it's not as bad as just deciding to do something for no reason.

SarahPLiz

OP, ask yourself first if it is something he KNOWS you are against, and if you think he has been hiding it, or if you just didn't know or think to ask about. If its porn, it may just be a difference of opinion. If its cheating, alcohol or drugs, then you have a bigger issue. Either way, it needs to be addressed calmly and rationally.

If it is something that he is not ashamed of, then you have a dichotomy in your lives that you need to deal with before you get married. Talk about it. Discuss it rationally. See where that gets you. 

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:daa170a9-e60f-42b0-b212-aae1d015605ePost:6be10f90-118f-41d8-9ba1-47e3cd726f7f">Re: Groom issues</a>:
[QUOTE]My guess would be porn.
Posted by JenGin74[/QUOTE]

<div>Or mastubation. Some people are very against that and are shocked to find out their mate does it, even though it is completely normal behavior. </div>

mkrupar

Yeah, my first thoughts were porn or masturbation. Did he know you were against it, and was doing it anyway? Or did you never tell him it was something you were against and just now found out he was doing it? Whatever it is will determine how long it would take to gain trust back. You two should probably consider counseling since there are now trust issues.

ChrislovesBarry

Are you two planning on doing premarital counseling?  I'd start now.

NillaWafer10

It sounds like you need to set some boundaries to gain his trust back.  When is he going to stop?  What is his plan of action to stop?  Is he going to seek counseling for this issue?  What can you do to support him?  What are the consequences if he doesn't stop?

Also, have you discussed why this issue is so morally wrong to you?  Some men and women have different ideas of wright/wrong.  Also it may help to explain how his actions make you feel.

kellya01

IMO, first step = indefinitely postpone the wedding, or even call off the engagement.  It might be hard for you to do, but it will be even harder if you keep careening towards some wedding date and try to get through this problem at the same time.  

Obviously you didn't want to share what his "wrong actions" were, and I understand and appreciate your privacy on that matter.  If it is something that you completely do NOT want to spend your life dealing with, deal with it now.  He knew it upset you, because he was doing it "behind your back."  

If you're in premarital counseling, depending on how close you are with your counselor or pastor, you may want to bring this up with him/her so that you can have a mediator between you as you tackle the issue.  

Whatever you choose to do, I would STOP planning a wedding until the problem is solved.  A delayed wedding with this major problem SOLVED is much better than a wedding that is starting off with major problems.  

zitiqueen

My first thought was he smokes weed.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:daa170a9-e60f-42b0-b212-aae1d015605ePost:3518d1aa-f595-4301-900c-e6b18f2cb8dc">Re: Groom issues</a>:
[QUOTE]My first thought was he smokes weed.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>I also thought maybe he was peeing in the shower or the sink. I am greatly opposed to the sink idea, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Its a guy thing, apparently. </div>

NillaWafer10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:daa170a9-e60f-42b0-b212-aae1d015605ePost:34f39db7-386e-4743-9812-168759318675">Re: Groom issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom issues : I also thought maybe he was peeing in the shower or the sink. I am greatly opposed to the sink idea, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Its a guy thing, apparently. 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

<div>Peeing in the sink would definitely be a deal breaker for me.  I'd have to move haha!</div>

JerseyML

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:daa170a9-e60f-42b0-b212-aae1d015605ePost:6f33a0f2-98ce-460e-a68e-2c148569773c">Re: Groom issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom issues : Peeing in the sink would definitely be a deal breaker for me.  I'd have to move haha!
Posted by NillaWafer10[/QUOTE]


Some times they just can't make it to the toilet in time.  I find the sink much better than the house plant...<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-innocent.gif" border="0" alt="Innocent" title="Innocent" />

sister2groom

I would postpone.

vicki0508

i also immediately thought porn and masturbation. since the two usually go hand in hand

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:daa170a9-e60f-42b0-b212-aae1d015605ePost:39d46692-5dbf-49e1-8343-0a1fdeab09d1">Re: Groom issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom issues : Or mastubation. Some people are very against that and are shocked to find out their mate does it, even though it is completely normal behavior. 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

It makes you go blind and grows hair on your palms.

NillaWafer10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:daa170a9-e60f-42b0-b212-aae1d015605ePost:3493c2f0-3284-4307-b95d-24ef0d2d07f9">Re: Groom issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom issues : It makes you go blind and grows hair on your palms.
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

<div>And, it might lower your risk of prostate cancer.  Oh no!</div><div>
</div><div><a href="http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn3942-masturbating-may-protect-against-prostate-cancer.html">http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn3942-masturbating-may-protect-against-prostate-cancer.html</a></div>

Muffin'sMom

It is the hiding that is the problem for me.  If it is a dealbreaker like cheating or drugs, then walk away.  The rest has to do with what you can make yourself comfortable with in a meeting in the middle way.  This is my way... 

Porn is a problem for some people, and usually goes hand in hand (no pun intended...maybe) with masturbation.  I personally don't have a problem with magazines and movies and their inevitable conclusion...but websites creep me out.  They feel like an open door to personal contact which is a dealbreaker.  We agreed on the above and he has been good with that.

Smoking is medically risky and stinky.  My husband has quit a dozen times in 30 years, and always goes back to it.  The deal is he smokes outside...away from the house, car, etc.  If that means 20 below and snow...so be it.

Pot is not a problem for me, but I'm from a time when pot was the only thing, and no one moved beyond it.  It was about being mellow...not getting crazy.

So, you need to sit down with yourself and get your feelings into a reasonable place.  THEN...you need to sit down with your fiance and have an honest discussion about whatever it is.  You will either come up with a plan to address the issue, or the decision to walk away until you can resolve it.

Last, is there really someone who hasn't peed in the shower...not even once???

chuygrl77

I hope she read everyone's advice because it's all good.  But man, now I really want to know...what is it?!?!

This is going to be one of those posts where the OP doesn't come back and we're all gonna be left hanging

HobokensFury

I guess we'll never find out...