My 20 year old brother has Asberger's, a very mild form of Autism. He's grown up his entire life with no expectations, everything was done for him, because my mom decided he couldn't do it, so it was easier for her to do it for him. Homework, dealing with issues at school, chores, making his bed. He didn't have to do any of it until high school, and even then, with my help. He didn't write his own term paper or essay until his 4th semester of college.
I went with him to his college orientation 5 miles from where we live, because my parents decided I'd been to college, I could help him. I signed him up for classes, I bought his books. I wasn't allowed to show him, or them, how to do those things. I had to do them for him. He's disabled, not incapable. He doesn't know how to figure anything out for himself, because he's never had to. I am of the belief that expectations of disabled children/ adults should be modified, not obliterated, except of course in extreme circumstances. I love my brother. And if it's something he genuinely can't do or figure out, I don't mind helping him.
The thing is, ever since I went away to college, and after I graduated, I've been expected to be his second mom and babysitter. On weekends, I'm expected to be available to be home if my parents want to go out of town. He doesn't like being alone in our house, so that means he never has to be. I wasn't allowed to go back to school on Sundays until one of my parents got home. I had obligations as President of a women's group, and leader of a bible study, but those things weren't allowed to get in the way of being there for my brother. If my parents didn't arrange to be home on time for me to make my meetings or events, I had to skip them.
My mom and I have fought over this countless times. I always get accused of being ungrateful, she sarcastically apologizes for imposing on me and asking so much of me, cries, and says don't worry about it, he's not your problem. The one time I put my foot down, made plans to spend a long weekend with my Fiance the same weekend my parents were going to Las Vegas, I got multiple texts every day. My mom texts, she doesn't call, when she's angry. She'll hang up on you and text passive aggressively. "Wish your brother meant enough for you to go home and spend time with him. He's so scared. He's autistic, do you have no heart? I really wish you'd go to him. Why do you have to be gone this weekend? I didn't even know your plans involved you leaving the house. Wish I'd known before we left...etc etc." I had told her I had plans, well in advance of their last minute trip to Vegas, but she ignored that fact and demanded I go home and be with my brother.
Now, I don't like being home alone in that big house either. We live on a decent sized property, it's a bit creepy at night. I usually don't sleep well if I'm there alone, which happens often. He does not have nervous breakdowns or anxiety attacks if he's there alone. He simply doesn't like it. I asked her what she's going to do when I'm married, or have children, and she wants to go somewhere. Is she going to ask me to come watch him, or hire a sitter? Or never be gone from the house after dark? That's when the fight started.
Am I a horrible person for thinking my brother is capable of, and needs to, learn how to deal with the anxiety of being alone?