Is this rude? Family Q

chelsy31588

I am offended and my FI is offended. His younger brother just had a baby today and non of the family was notified, however he was able to post it to facebook and let everyone else know before us. I found out by checking my facebook at lunch today and the baby had been around for two hours already.

They've been this way starting with their marriage, they kept it a secret and the bridal shower non of his family was invited. Then they kept the pregnancy news a secret and we found out through others and fb, then the baby shower his mother wasn't invited, now this. We haven't done anything to make them mad or upset with us. 

Is a phone call before a fb post be too much to ask? We spoke to them about this befpre they found out the sex of the baby, they gave us that courtesy but just that once. I feel the most sorry for his mom since theyve been the most disrespectful to her.
 
I'm literally biting my tongue off to be nice to them but this has pushed me to my limit.

cwaggoner07

You can't force someone to want to be a part of your family. I know it's unfair, but there really isn't much you can do. Confronting them about it is likely to just push them away.

ChristineNB

While it's great that you and your fiance want to be more involved in your relative's lives, perhaps they don't want you and the rest of the family involved.  Some people just don't want their family to be involved, and the family would need to respect that.  Just let them know that if they change their mind you are there to support them.

blgrout

<---agrees with PP.

FWIW, I would be offended as well, but maybe there is more to their relationship than what you know going way back.  Not much you can do about it but leave the door open if they decide they want to have a meaningful family relationship with you and your FI.

laurenclaire1386

I can understand being offended, but at the end of the day it's really not up to you (or your FI) to dictate how they choose to share their news. I would shy away from saying anything. I can tell you right now that if my brother's FI called me up to criticize how I chose to relay life events to other people, I'd be pretty pissed. 

smmessinger

 I agree with everyone else. Right or wrong you can't dictate what someone else does. You also don't really have a say so, I know it is your future family but it is your FI's brother and it's between thier family.  

goobersinlove

It sounds like they don't want you or some other select family members to be a part of their lives. Take the hint. I don't mean that as an attack, I mean that you should really consider what THEIR obvious wishes are and not yours.  These are their private lives and you don't get to take the reins and decide what's right or wrong for them in this regard.

I'd be very interested to her this couple's side of the story.

jenajjthr

As PP's said you can be upset, but that isn't going to change anything.  I know it sucks as I have a stepsister who does the same thing.  It doesn't affect me as much as her full sisters, but it is painful since we are the same age and used to hang out a lot together when we were younger.  Even though we know the reason, it still sucks to be cut out of a loved one's life.  Especially when it's a stupid reason...her H's family makes the decisions for them, instead of them making their own. 

For whatever reason, they are not including his side of the family as much as you would like.  But I will tell you that the harder you push to make them include you, the more they will pull back and cut you out more.  Reach out to them and include them whenever you can, and I guess keep a closer eye on the FB page to get the latest news. 

+HeatherW

My brother does that crap.

I found out he and his gf were expecting their first baby (his 2nd) via facebook.
I found out about their engagement via facebook.
And I found out my niece was born 3 days AFTER she was via facebook (I was mad at EVERYONE about that one. Nobody thought it important to notify the aunty, and brothers OLDEST sister, that baby was coming)


Some people...are just bah. It sucks, but it is their decision. And while I'm super p*ssed at brother...still...I don't really care as long as I get to see my niece and nephew. (Brothers first child is a boy)

Lisa50

Frankly, I don't think his behavior is rude.  It's not necessarily warm and fuzzy, but rude?  No.

You cannot force someone to behave/act/communicate in a way of your choosing. You can, however, make the choice to accept their communications style. It seems your BIL knows your FB habits and got the news out in a way most convenient for him, his wife and their new baby.

Honestly, I don't buy into the "they don't want family involved in their lives" notion.  If they did not want family involved, you would be cut off from communications.  Period. 

When I had my baby, my parents -- who were in the waiting room -- were the first to know.  Within the hour, my husband called his folks.  I'm pretty sure he didn't call any of his siblings until a day or two later.  We were pretty doggone busy, tired, overjoyed, overwhelmed, etc.

chelsy31588

Well I must let you know there isn't any background info that could be a possible misunderstanding on my part. I've been with my FI for 9 years my future BIL's wife has only been in the picture for 9 months. They got pregnant and married right away so there can't be any background story for them with his family because I've seen and been around it from their beginning. Secondly he basically told us last night we can all stop pretending that we are some type of family because he never thought any of us were to him. His new friends and family are more important know which is why we werent informed. An because they were tired isn't part of it there was tons of friends and family in and out of that hospital all day. Basically we don't live up to his standards of family and it doesn't bother him it is very sad for my FI and his family especially my FI because he was the one that had to hear this and he got very upset. Personally I don't mind not being in their life after hearing all thay and that's their daughters loss if she doesn't get to know us. I just hurt for my FI and his family because they weren't good enough for my future BIL and didn't meet up to his standards. Very sad situation. Oh and I took both of them off my news feed so I don't really get their big news we just have mutual friends.

smmessinger

Okay but you asked us if it was rude. It may not have been the right thing to do but it doesn't make it rude. Apparently you see how he feels and unless you have been there for their whole life than there is a story before you came along. It doesn't matter if he and his wife got pregnant and ran off and got married they are adults and it is their decision in the end. All you can do is be there for your fi and his other family.

goobersinlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_is-this-rude-family-q?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ef38fdc2-31a3-43e5-9725-46cdd9d3afc8Post:33640d7e-7253-4699-96b9-d2fb34f0d68a">Re:Is this rude? Family Q</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I must let you know there isn't any background info that could be a possible misunderstanding on my part. I've been with my FI for 9 years my future BIL's wife has only been in the picture for 9 months. They got pregnant and married right away so there can't be any background story for them with his family because I've seen and been around it from their beginning. <strong>Secondly he basically told us last night we can all stop pretending that we are some type of family because he never thought any of us were to him.</strong> His new friends and family are more important know which is why we werent informed. An because they were tired isn't part of it there was tons of friends and family in and out of that hospital all day. Basically we don't live up to his standards of family and it doesn't bother him it is very sad for my FI and his family especially my FI because he was the one that had to hear this and he got very upset. Personally I don't mind not being in their life after hearing all thay and that's their daughters loss if she doesn't get to know us. I just hurt for my FI and his family because they weren't good enough for my future BIL and didn't meet up to his standards. Very sad situation. Oh and I took both of them off my news feed so I don't really get their big news we just have mutual friends.
Posted by chelsy31588[/QUOTE]

We you have your answer then. Just let it go and concentrate on your own life.

chelsy31588

Unfortunately it's not that easy, if it was up to me I would say screw them and have a nice life. However my FI and his family really want to be apart of their lives, so Im sure there will be more hurt feelings to come. What's done is done and they can never fix it, the only thing to do is move forward so hopefully that happens.

HobokensFury

You can't force people to want to be apart of your family.  It actually happened to us.  DH's nephew had a baby in September.  No one even knew his gf was pregnant until after the baby was born, which we found out from facebook.  His sister mysteriously stopped talking to us and on that day we found out why.