Chit Chat

MOH Advice?

I hope this is the right board for this kind of stuff, if not I apologize...

So for awhile I've been considering replacing my MOH (Maid of Honor) because she's just been really flaky in general, not just wedding stuff. Not communicating a whole lot not answering texts, always busy with other people etc. (She wasn't like this before she was made MOH)

Than I find out on xmas she moved out of state to Colorado. I had NO warning. She said and these are exact words: She tried to hang out with me before she left and I said well I had no idea she was moving out of the state! And her answer back was "I guess I didn't mention that did I? Oh well I suck at goodbyes."

 

And with her flakiness she isn't the type to drive/fly down here to help with stuff. And it's all good, she moved because she couldn't find a job here, but tell me!

So I really really want to replace her, but how do I tell her without hurting her feelings? There's more to it because since I made her my MOH she's just been absent. So even if she moved back I'm kind of just done worrying about having a MOH who isn't there for me.

So does anyone have any suggestions on how to word this to her? She's a really good friend but at the same time, a friend would tell me she was moving outa state so how close can we really be right? Any advice would be appreciated!

Re: MOH Advice?

  • In Response to MOH Advice?:
    I hope this is the right board for this kind of stuff, if not I apologize... So for awhile I've been considering replacing my MOH (Maid of Honor) because she's just been really flaky in general, not just wedding stuff. Not communicating a whole lot not answering texts, always busy with other people etc. (She wasn't like this before she was made MOH) Than I find out on xmas she moved out of state to Colorado. I had NO warning. She said and these are exact words: She tried to hang out with me before she left and I said well I had no idea she was moving out of the state! And her answer back was "I guess I didn't mention that did I? Oh well I suck at goodbyes."   And with her flakiness she isn't the type to drive/fly down here to help with stuff. And it's all good, she moved because she couldn't find a job here, but tell me! So I really really want to replace her, but how do I tell her without hurting her feelings? There's more to it because since I made her my MOH she's just been absent. So even if she moved back I'm kind of just done worrying about having a MOH who isn't there for me. So does anyone have any suggestions on how to word this to her? She's a really good friend but at the same time, a friend would tell me she was moving outa state so how close can we really be right? Any advice would be appreciated!
    Posted by Serious.Vanity
    There is no way to do this. Anytime you remove someone from your wedding party, you are running the risk of ruining the friendship. It's a huge slap in the face.

    Sure, she's been a bit flaky, but, from the sounds of it, she's probably been pretty stressed if she had to move out of state to find a job. Have you stopped to think about what might be on her plate right now?  I'd be willing to bet that if I were jobless and had to move out of state to find work, being an MOH would be the last thing on my mind.

    And how, exactly do you need her to be in town for her to be your MOH? There are tons of ladies who have MOHs that live OOT and manage just fine. It sounds like your expectations for what an MOH should be are way too high. If I were you, I'd call your friend and talk to her. Not about the wedding. Just talk about life.
    image
  • If she was flaky before you asked her, then you should have already anticipated how this would go.
    Her comment about not being good at goodbyes is a legitimate one, IMO.  Maybe she didn't want to make a big deal.  Maybe she didn't want to get all emotional when it was time to go. I don't think it's necessarily a reflection on how good of a friend she is.
    You can't expect her to travel out of state to help you do anyting for your wedding.  That's your and your FI's job.
    Do not replace her. Being a MOH/BM is an honor, not a position to fill.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • In Response to MOH Advice?:
    [QUOTE]Than I find out on xmas she moved out of state to Colorado. I had NO warning. She said and these are exact words: She tried to hang out with me before she left and I said well I had no idea she was moving out of the state!

    So wait, does that mean that she did try to spend time with you, but you didn't?  This street goes both ways, if that's the case.

    FWIW:  Your MOH DOESN'T have to help you with "stuff".  Planning and executing your wedding is the responsibility of you and your FI, and NO ONE else. 

    If others offer to help, wonderful, but just because someone's in a WP, it's not an obligation to go dress shopping, pick out stationery, stuff envelopes, address envelopes, make favors, create centerpieces, plan parties, or more.

    My DD was married in July.  She lived in New Jersey.  Her MOH, my other DD, lived in D.C. and wasn't involved at all in planning her sister's wedding.  The wedding was beautiful, and they both had a ball at the rehearsal and wedding.

    So plan your wedding, and enjoy the day with your friend.

    And try to be a little sympathetic to the fact that she doesn't have job and is probably pretty worried about her future right about now.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • I think your expectations of your MOH are a bit high.  MOHs don't help with the wedding planning; FIs do.  You choose your MOH as the person you want standing up for you on your wedding day.  Her only real job is to sign the marriage license.

    I don't think you should tell her to not be your MOH.  That would be a huge slap in the face, and pretty unnecessary. 
  • edited December 2009
    I have to agree with CEW515, as someone who was recently unemployed and had to move 3 hours from my whole family. The last thing on my mind would be being a MOH for someone. I cried for 2 weeks trying to adjust.
    How far out is your wedding?? She may just need an adjustment period. Call her and talk to her as a friend, not a bride. Then when it's time for her to go dress shopping you can switch to bride mode. You may want (down the road) to ask her if she feels up to it.
    As for me, I live in Ohio, my MOH and BM live in SC. But their up for the task, and they know that they just need to have their dress and tux and show up. Nothing more nothing less. We just want their presence as special people in our lives.
    Be a friend for now.GL
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Totally replace her with somebody that's actually willing to work for the title. What part of MAID of Honor doesn't she get?

    Clearly, this girl is a failure as a friend and you need to lose the dead weight.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • My MOH was all into wedding planning, even more than I was... until she got pregnant, her husband lost his job, and they had to move in with her parents.  Since then, not so much.  And you know what?  I've gotten along just fine.  I understand that she has bigger things to worry about right now than my wedding.

    Honestly, planning a wedding is not.  That.  Difficult.  If you really need an extensive support system in place to help you plan a party, either it's gotten crazy out of hand and you need to either scale back or hire a planner, or you need that same sort of extensive support system to tie your own shoes.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • If she had to move to find work, then there are other things going on in her life than your wedding. Get a grip! Try being a friend first and a bride second. Don't frame this in the context of your wedding, but rather in the context of your friendship.

    You and your FI should be planning the wedding. If she wants to help, fine, but if she doesnt want to or can't, then that doesn't make her a bad friend. that makes her an unemployed person worrying more about where she is going to live and how she is going to eat than your 1 day party.

    As long as she orders a dress and shows up on time, then she has fulfilled her duties. Cut her some slack already!
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    In Response to Re: MOH Advice?:
    Totally replace her with somebody that's actually willing to work for the title. What part of MAID of Honor doesn't she get? Clearly, this girl is a failure as a friend and you need to lose the dead weight.
    Posted by megk8oz
    Exactly!  I mean, who cares if kicking her out ruins the friendship.  Friendships are all about what people can do for you, and it's not like you'll need friends after you're married anyway!
  • I would say....if you value her as a friend, leave it alone unless she won't be able to come to your wedding at all.

    You can get along fine with your planning and stuff with you and your FI.

    She just has to get her dress and that's it.
  • PPs are right that she probably has a lot going on right now. And also that you are expecting too much from her regarding "planning".  FI & I are planning our wedding. My BMs and friends have offered to help with whatever I need, but they're not making any planning decisions. My MOH lives all the way across the country, she won't be here for my shower or my bachelorette dinner, but it's ok. She will be here for the wedding and that's all that she needs to show up for.
    Crosswalk
  • I know what she is going through about not finding a job where she was living. I also had to make a move almost 2 hundreds miles away to get a job. I think that its very stressful to her at this time in her life. You really should be more understanding of this has a friend.

     It def sounds like you have a list of duties that you want her to perform. You asked her not because you could not see anyone else has your MOH but her standing by your side but what you wanted and expected her to perform?
    If you want to end this friendship which is extactly what will happen if you kick her out. It will be for the reasons that she could not perform her MOH obligations or duties. You don't sound like a good friend at all.

     I agree with this pp."If others offer to help, wonderful, but just because someone's in a WP, it's not an obligation to go dress shopping, pick out stationery, stuff envelopes, address envelopes, make favors, create centerpieces, plan parties, or more.
  • I appreciate everyones advice. I really am sympathetic towards her situation and I fully understand it. It's more from the standpoint of a friend that I'm offended she didn't tell me she was moving until the day she was already there. It just gets hard to be sympathetic when she talks about partying and not a whole lot about not having a job.

    I don't think I have hgh expectations because really I just want her to be involved and she hasn't been at all and hasn't asked anything about the wedding. But I will try to step back and look at this from a friend standpoint and not a brides standpoint. Thanks everyone :). Might've been my mistake to make someone I knew wasn't really mature/responsible my MOH...
  • I still am stumped why do you think that is an issue about responsibility to be an MOH? What are you wanting her to do? You do realize that this is yours and your FI's day and you are the ones who plan and execute it right. If you need help then you maybe should check into securing a Wedding Planner.

    You do have expectations apparently and believe that your WP should have a list of duties to fulfill that is wrong information processed to all brides from the Wedding Industry.

    All your WP is expected to do is to get their attire and show up for your wedding. There is no bride that is owned Queen for a year or whatever and that her WP is there for whatever tasks she needs completed.

    Its great if they offer to assist in helping with whatever they choose, remember its a choice if they want to do it. You select your friends for roles in your WP because their important in your life not for what they can do. If their your friends they will most likely assist you or ask to help with whatever you may need.

    I am just not sure if you really understand what we are all saying to you.
  • In Response to Re: MOH Advice?:
    I appreciate everyones advice. I really am sympathetic towards her situation and I fully understand it. It's more from the standpoint of a friend that I'm offended she didn't tell me she was moving until the day she was already there. It just gets hard to be sympathetic when she talks about partying and not a whole lot about not having a job. I don't think I have hgh expectations because really I just want her to be involved and she hasn't been at all and hasn't asked anything about the wedding. But I will try to step back and look at this from a friend standpoint and not a brides standpoint. Thanks everyone :). Might've been my mistake to make someone I knew wasn't really mature/responsible my MOH...
    Posted by Serious.Vanity
    You're really not getting it.
    image
  • Do you think there's a chance that she'll flake out and not show up for the actual wedding?  (With some people, this is a legitimate fear.)  Do you think that she'll fail to get her dress in time?  Beyond that, her level of responsibility is irrelevant.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • I disagree with most of the post completely. I do think that you should somewhat understand her situation as well but I think it was crap on her part to move away and not even let you know especially since she is your MOH.  And also the MOH's responsibility is not just to get a dress and show up. There is an entire list of responsibility's that a MOH takes on when she agrees to accept the position. All you have to do is google it and many many list pop up of what is expected of a MOH.
    The MOH is supposed to be your right hand woman. Planning a wedding is stressful when none of your maids are helpful. It isn't called being a maid for nothing. I don't think you should take advantage of them but most people realize with accepting this kind of position that the bride needs their help and that you chose them because you could count on them.
  • In Response to Re: MOH Advice?:
    I disagree with most of the post completely. I do think that you should somewhat understand her situation as well but I think it was crap on her part to move away and not even let you know especially since she is your MOH.  And also the MOH's responsibility is not just to get a dress and show up. There is an entire list of responsibility's that a MOH takes on when she agrees to accept the position. All you have to do is google it and many many list pop up of what is expected of a MOH. The MOH is supposed to be your right hand woman. Planning a wedding is stressful when none of your maids are helpful. It isn't called being a maid for nothing. I don't think you should take advantage of them but most people realize with accepting this kind of position that the bride needs their help and that you chose them because you could count on them.
    Posted by [email protected]
    Umm. they are called maids because traditionally they were unmarried, hence the distinction between Maid of Honor and Matron of Honor. They are ladies that you want to honor. Being a servant is not something you do to someone to honor them. They should be your friends first and foremost.

    And most of those lists you find are created by the wedding industry. They want you to spend money. They want to make the planning as stressful as possible so you can hire a coordinator. Those lists should be taken as suggestions, but if you expect so much, you will only disappointed. Your MOH and BMs should be those who you choose to honor as your closest friends. If they decide to give you the gift of throwing parties or offerring to help with planning, then that's all good. If for some reason they can't do these things, for whatever reason , it does not make them any less of an honored friend.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • Honestly, what are you wanting her to do?

    Because aside from buying the dress and being there on the day of, anything that she does is a gift to you. 
  • No nothing in my above post is sarcasm.  The wedding list that you find have nothing to do with spending money. Any women with any knowledge of anyone getting married knows when they agree to be in your wedding that it  is a responsibility as well as an honor. One of the whole points of having bridesmaids and especially a MOH is someone who will help you and especially support you as you go through this stressful process which is made even more stressful if you have crappy attendants. Especially for people who have fiances who can't or won't help and don't have the money to hire someone to help them. That is why they were asked because they are your friends and as your friends know that they need to help you when needed. Her friend was crappy to move and not even tell her especially being her MOH. Which means that she isn't a real friend so why should she have the continued honor of being the MOH. And also someone can have an opinion without it being sarcasm. Just because it differs doesn't mean it's wrong. You guys think your way and I think mine. She asked for various opinions on what to do. I see no reason why she can't replace her MOH especially since she moved. If the girl can move away without a word really what are the odds she will show for the wedding? Attendants have to be people that can be counted on.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member

    Sorry, but you are wrong.  Your MOH or BM may choose to help, but those are not their responsibilities.

    Kicking someone out of your WP is a friendship ending move and also makes you look like a horrible bridezilla to everyone else.  Unless your MOH does something awful, kicking her out is just not going to work out well. 

    If your FI won't help, you need a new FI.  If your FI refused to take out the trash, would you call your best friend and tell her it is now her duty since your FI won't?  Of course not.  Your wedding, just like your housework, is up to you and your FI to handle.  Getting married does not give you the right to obligate other people to do things for you.

  • Correction I am not wrong. I have an opinion the same as everyone else on this board. You are making this into a personal war when I was answering someone else's question and I am not interested nor have the time for a war of opinions with you. As I stated before you have your opinion and I have mine. Personally I think you are highly wrong but I am not attacking you based on that or at all. You can think the way that you choose to and so can I. But I am grateful that I have maids and a MOH who understand the JOB that they have taken on in agreeing to help me. Just as I know when I am in their wedding party I will do everything in my power to help them. That is the point of being a maid, MOH and good friend.
    And I consider as anyone else would that moving without letting your "GOOD FRIEND" know is not being a good friend so she has every right to kick the girl out. She obviously does NOT value their friendship so why should she value it? Being a MOH is an honor as well as a responsibility and considering it anything else in my opinion is wrong.  Also your friends obligate themselves on a volunteer basis if they choose to accept the honor you wish to bestow upon them. Luckily I have responsible adult friends and I also have a fiance who helps me. That I guess is the big difference. Adult responsible people.

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    On the contrary.  It is a fact that a MOH is not required to work for you. 

    I'm happy that your friends do tasks you assign them.  I was even more delighted to find that even though I didn't expect my friends to be free labor, they offered and wanted to do things for me because they love me.  When you find that people do things for your because they want to, not because they have to, it means so much more.

    Not everyone places value on their frienship based on what that person can do for them.
  • Right...ok...you are obviously intending to be rude about all of this when it was a simple question from someone else. All the rest of us are doing is answering HER question not you so therefore I have no desire to communicate with you again. Once again this is HER question. You need to learn that your opinion is just that..YOUR opinion. You are not the wedding guru. Just because you think it doesn't make it fact. You know nothing about my friends or me or my wedding style so you should stop pretending to. One again commenting on HER question and it is not for you to monitor what the rest of us respond to someone else's question nor is it your business or job to keep antagonizing someone who isn't even addressing you in the first place.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited January 2010
    You seem to have an issue with me.  Defensive maybe?

    The reason I say it is a fact: I have known numerous people that have gotten married without the assistance of a MOH.  Their marriages are all valid.  Thus, the MOH does not need to do anything.
  • No the problem would be you harrassing people who have a different opinion than your own. Once again you are not the wedding guru. Seriously, grow up already. This will be the last time I address you. You are breaking the rules of this board...no harrassing allowed. People have different opinions than you and this isn't even your thread. It is someone else's so stop harrassing people with differing opinions.
  • Jennychavers, you don't have to like what's being stated but what MyNameIsNot is doing is not harassing you.  It's a debate.

  • Actually it is harrassing. I am beginning to think you guys are still stuck in high school. This isn't your thread neither is it hers. I was answering someone else so you guys need to keep your noses out of my answers that I give to someone else. Seriously this is sad that you guys like such high school drama.
  • Jenny, part of giving advice on a forum can also be debating the advice stated in other posts.

    If that ISN'T done then the OP could be given the wrong impression that going against proper etiquette is somehow acceptable now.

    And then she may find herself with a husband but fewer friends after the wedding. 
  • Thanks for the advice everyone. Didn't mean to start such a heated debate :P After really thinking about it I've decided to make my mother matron of honor. There is more issues with my MOH than her just moving away. Never talking to me, lack of interest in the wedding (Including standing me up when I had invited her to look at the venue we booked) and so on that I didn't include in the original poat that maybe I should have. Even without the wedding aspect it really offends me that someone who considers me one of her best friends can move out of state and not say a word to me. It just makes me really question how close we really were/are. Especially after the blase response when I asked why she didn't tell me. At this point I haven't heard a word from her in over a month so with the wedding about 5 months away kind of shows me she doesn't really want to be involved as it is. Once again, thanks eryone for the advice!
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards