FMIL is driving me CRAZY!! How to deal?

ScrubGirl83

On Christmas Eve, my FH and I told my FMIL that we are not inviting children to our wedding in August. She FLIPPED out on both of us. Screamed at us, pointed her finger in my face, called me selfish, that I have no regard for other people and am not being politically correct. I excused myself from the room before I said anything I would regret. My FH stuck to our guns and told her no. She dropped the issue for now, but I know it's still going to be a battle. Also on Christmas Eve she told me I was basically ruining her Christmas because they rearranged Christmas to accommodate me because I had to work on Christmas. I work nights in labor and delivery at a hospital. Babies still want to be born on Christmas. I had told her multiple times before this to have Christmas without me so she could have more time with my FH and his brother, who lives out of town. She declined every time. But then told me I was the reason she barely got to see her sons this Christmas. Then, on the 26th, she got very excited that I am going dress shopping on the 31st and invited herself. Okay. Fine. Come dress shopping. Tonight, she calls me AT WORK to talk to me about the guest list. She already has double the amount of people we told her she could invite and she wants to invite more. We have changed our venue to accommodate all the people she wants to invite. All I could think of was I am at work! I am delivering babies! This is not appropriate! My FH is being very supportive and great at presenting a united front to his mother. She is way over stepping her bounds. And everyone tells me "its YOUR wedding!" but that is easier said than done in practice.
My own mother lives out of state and is being great. She is helping as much as she can but being very respectful of our ideas and feelings.
My MOH has said she's got my back when dress shopping, if my FMIL starts anything she said she will handle it.
Basically Chrstmas Eve I was bawling my eyes out and my FH really came through for me. And now my FMIL is going on like nothing has happened and that her treatment of me is totally acceptable. I'm not sure what to do. I can't handle 7 more months like this. Any advice would be great.

misssunshine17

I agreed. In the meantime, do not talk wedding plans with her. Or only do so when things have been decided, don't open the conversation up to opinions. 

Is she contributing financially in any way? 

Tonya729

If she is helping you pay for the wedding you kinda dont have a say so in all the guests shes paying for. My dad is helping us and I told him to invite whoever since he will pay for them. Its not right how she is being at all, like the girls are saying, have your FI and you sit down with her and explain that her attitude alone is poor. Hope this works out, you could always have my FMIL who has not talked to me about or even asked me one question about our wedding since we've been planning

Marrin713

Seven months?  Try a lifetime.  You and FI need to set the boundaries and set them now.  Just wondering tho - is this attitude from her recent or has she treated you this way in the past.

amanda0543

I'm sorry, that's really lame.

I agree with the consensus that your FI needs to talk with her about this. 

However, if I were in your situation I'd be firm with her: If she called me at work, I'd explain that it was not a good time to talk and that I would call/email her when I got home, and at Christmas I would just flatly say I had no desire to continue the conversation (as that's something that is just going to start a very pointless, ugly, argument). That can be hard though, as your FI REALLY needs to have your back if you stand up for yourself. If you do end up needing to stand up for yourself just don't let her drag you into a fight/argument, as I've never seen anything good come out of situations like those. I really like 1covejack's and Liatris2010's advice here (change the subject if she tries to start a fight, give her an ultimatum about the guest list).

My father can get like that (especially the Christmas and "no kids at the wedding" example), and when he does I just tell him it's not alright and that he needs to stop, and if he doesn't I just leave (because frankly, there's no good way to stay in that situation without everyone being miserable). Sometimes it pisses him off, but when he tries to start an argument about it I just rinse and repeat until he realizes that I wont let him drag me into his drama and drops it. That's MY family though, so that's a much easier call for me to make.

Peledreamsofrain

Ditto to what everyone else said, but I also wanted to add that you might want to leave instructions at the hospital desk that any calls from her are to be handled with "i'm sorry, she's with a patient right now, can I take a message?"  Even if you are standing right there.

ScrubGirl83

Thanks everyone. Great advice. It just seems to be going from bad to worse with her.

My FH told me that when his brother got married, they almost called off their wedding 2 weeks before due to crap from her. She is so perfectly nice to my future sister in law, but they are both super crafty quiet people. And I am not. Plus, my future sister in law gave her her first grand child. I'm pretty sure I can never top that in her eyes. She was nice enough to me before, not great but it was never like this.

I think she is chipping in for the flowers. She is going to help me make the invitations, but not paying for them. The only other thing she is paying for is the rehearsal and my FH's kilt tux accoutrements.
Dress shopping, one of my feisty bridesmaids is coming and had said multiple times she will keep her in check. One of my moms best friends is coming too since my mom lives out of state. The work call, she called me multiple times on my cell phone and left a message saying to call her immediately. She sounded panicked so I thought it was actually an emergency. Nope. Just to call to talk about center piece ideas. I ended the call very shortly after that.

My FH has told me that he would never have his mothers side over mine, but keeps insisting we need to make a master list before we start cutting. I vote she cuts her list before we make a master list. So we will see how it goes. I'm expecting more battles about the children. I just don't want to be screamed at anymore.

pink34562000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-is-driving-me-crazy-how-to-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:081fab28-f3c5-4b3b-9d80-3aa9eaf0afeaPost:644fe99f-a7a7-4ad8-8abf-b16802cf177f">Re: FMIL is driving me CRAZY!! How to deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone. Great advice. It just seems to be going from bad to worse with her. My FH told me that when his brother got married, they almost called off their wedding 2 weeks before due to crap from her. She is so perfectly nice to my future sister in law, but they are both super crafty quiet people. And I am not. Plus, my future sister in law gave her her first grand child. I'm pretty sure I can never top that in her eyes. She was nice enough to me before, not great but it was never like this.<strong> I think she is chipping in for the flowers. She is going to help me make the invitations, but not paying for them.</strong> The only other thing she is paying for is the rehearsal and my FH's kilt tux accoutrements. Dress shopping, one of my feisty bridesmaids is coming and had said multiple times she will keep her in check. One of my moms best friends is coming too since my mom lives out of state. The work call, she called me multiple times on my cell phone and left a message saying to call her immediately. She sounded panicked so I thought it was actually an emergency. Nope. Just to call to talk about center piece ideas. I ended the call very shortly after that. My FH has told me that he would never have his mothers side over mine, but keeps insisting we need to make a master list before we start cutting. I vote she cuts her list before we make a master list. So we will see how it goes. I'm expecting more battles about the children. I just don't want to be screamed at anymore.
Posted by christinad18[/QUOTE]

It is a shame that your FMIL acts like that. I'm sure you want her involved in helping you, but she seems like she wants to control you and your FH's wedding.

First, don't have her pay for anything or be involved with your wedding planning. Even if she pays for the flowers or helps you with the invitations, your FMIL will feel like she has a say in the wedding. It is best not to talk wedding plans with her and don't take her calls at work. If she needs to talk to someone, her son can call her. If she brings up your wedding, just change the topic. For example...

FMIL: What flowers did you pick?
You: Have you tried this bean dip.
FMIL: I want carnations.
You: Wow, this bean dip is yummy.
FMIL: All of the centerpieces should look like the ones from my wedding. We had carnations.
You: You really have to try this bean dip.

Just keep changing the topic and refuse to discuss wedding plans with her. Good luck and focus on your happy day!

mrspadfoot

I agree with everyone above. Just change the subject and refuse to talk wedding with her, and eventually she'll get the hint. My FMIL realized that she won't have any say in the wedding when she found out that FH was more willing to tell the lady at the bank about our wedding details than he was her. We told our parents that if they aren't paying for it, not to expect any say in the matter, or to invite any guests. Seemed to shut everyone up.