"Living" together

MarriahD22

I didn't know where to put this one, so I'm just throwing it out there.
SITUATION: A month ago, I moved to a town 180 miles away to take a new job. My FI is going to finish his last year of school next year, so he decided to stay in our hometown to finish out the year along with his job before the wedding. Anyway, he recently got a job in the same town for the summer which started immediately so he moved down to be with me (of course) and now we're "living" together..... 2 weeks before we're married

We decided not to live together previously before we were married due to a personal decision along with our parents absolutely flipping out over it.... so now how do we handle it? Currently, we are just simply lying saying he got a hotel room, but my FMIL is pressing and pressing the issue.... but how do we handle this? Should we just live separately before the wedding? (even for two weeks?) or keep lying and do whatever we want?

ScissortailFlycatcher

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:b4f8105a-8da7-4db3-b3a5-945f86963e9f">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE]FFS it's two weeks.  Do you know how much that would cost for a hotel room?  Seriously, if my parents tried to give me chit for that, I would look them square in the eye and say "If you have a problem with it, you can book and pay for a hotel room."
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

This.

But, I think she's afraid of her inlaws.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Just own up and tell them. Is he actually living with you? Or sleeping on the couch? Either way, it's really none of your parents' business.

maratea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:6bba7a9c-8d23-43a0-b693-338be62de423">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE]Why did you delete your response? I was trying to quote it. Well, I think there are a whole lot of things wrong with this. If you share your FMIL religious views, then you shouldn't live together. <strong>If you do not, you should not be getting married by a Pastor or church that doesn't approve of you living together.</strong> Once again, I really don't see the problem. If   you and your FI not your FMIL are ok with living together while married, then do it. And look in a JOP.
Posted by hattieshay[/QUOTE]

I must say, personally, I don't agree with this. We did our premarital counseling with my home church's pastor and he didn't believe in living together before marriage. However, we explained our reasons, and he said he understood even though he didn't agree, but he also told us we were one of the most stable and happy couples he'd ever counseled.
So even if the pastor doesn't agree with this, he/she can still be understanding of your choice.

goheels05

Oh, you're right.  My bad.  I would have FI say it, then. 

ScissortailFlycatcher

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:1e015d95-6591-43a2-8008-37be1821f4e9">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Living" together : I must say, personally, I don't agree with this. We did our premarital counseling with my home church's pastor and he didn't believe in living together before marriage. However, we explained our reasons, and he said he understood even though he didn't agree, but he also told us we were one of the most stable and happy couples he'd ever counseled. So even if the pastor doesn't agree with this, he/she can still be understanding of your choice.
Posted by maratea[/QUOTE]

In a post the OP made and then deleted, she said she didn't want to tell her FMIL because she would then tell the Pastor and he would not marry them. So, in their case it sounds like their Pastor does not approve.

So, if she is afraid of disapproval from her Pastor, then I think she needs to look into other options. But, it doesn't sound like she's even taken the initiative to talk to her Pastor, rather than worry about her FILs reaction.

[Deleted User]

I don't see the issue. You're engaged, you have 2 weeks to go, this shouldn't be a major problem. It would be ridiculous to get a hotel for 2 weeks and even more so to have to get an apartment. What else is he supposed to do? If your family asks just say you're in separate rooms and that it makes the most sense to have him move in. If they don't like it, so what? It's 2 weeks, they can deal. Tell them to mind their own business.

But I have to admit, I'm bias. I think people should absolutely live together before they get married. Plus my mother always told me that doing so was the smart thing to do, so I never had to worry about my family looking down on me.

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:b4f8105a-8da7-4db3-b3a5-945f86963e9f">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE]FFS it's two weeks.  Do you know how much that would cost for a hotel room?  Seriously, if my parents tried to give me chit for that, I would look them square in the eye and say "If you have a problem with it, you can book and pay for a hotel room."
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

<div>Agreed.</div>

maratea

Ah, ok. Thank you for clarifying Hattie. I didn't see that post before OP deleted.

ScissortailFlycatcher

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:054786fe-cc9a-4472-a00e-5aace337f042">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE]Ah, ok. Thank you for clarifying Hattie. I didn't see that post before OP deleted.
Posted by maratea[/QUOTE]

No problem. I didn't want you to think I was some weird anti-religion person : )

maratea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:71551477-1c2c-4463-a6fc-cb5839ef9716">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Living" together : No problem. I didn't want you to think I was some weird anti-religion person : )
Posted by hattieshay[/QUOTE]

Just as long as you're not a whiny beebee bride who won't listen to good advice, then I like you.

ScissortailFlycatcher

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:5eb686e8-e66b-467c-949c-e4b1a3881ad2">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Living" together : Just as long as you're not a whiny beebee bride who won't listen to good advice, then I like you.
Posted by maratea[/QUOTE]

haha, I try not to be.

JennaV26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:6bba7a9c-8d23-43a0-b693-338be62de423">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE] If you share your FMIL religious views, then you shouldn't live together. If you do not, you should not be getting married by a Pastor or church that doesn't approve of you living together. Once again, I really don't see the problem. If   you and your FI not your FMIL are ok with living together while married, then do it. And look in a JOP.
Posted by hattieshay[/QUOTE]

Dang. I definitely think this is going a little overboard.

I'm 23 and will  probably be terrified of the rath of my mom and dad until I'm 87 so I understand where you're at. My mom and I are really close now and she is not naive at all, but I don't openly vocalize when FI stays at my place! They wouldn't be down for us living together before marriage either.

I vote for being honest, that you're letting him stay at your place for financial reasons but that you're staying in seperate rooms (wel, I'd probably stretch the truth a bit... that you're <em>going to let him </em>stay at your place, like you aren't already haha). That might make me a bad person but I've told worse lies to my parents before.

Everyone else is right, if they have a problem with it then they can pay for the hotel room.

FutureMsAlexander

Be honest. You're an adult. You're getting married. It's ok.

4eversmiling

Mandybear has a good idea. If he doesn't live with you, are you going to regret it 10 years down the road? If he does live with you just two weeks before your wedding are you going to regret it 10 years down the road? It sounds like you don't feel like it's right to live together before you are married (you have to be deceptive to family to "keep the peace."). Stick to your convictions chica.

My fiance and i decided to get married 5 months earlier than originally planned because of living arrangements. I have to move out of my current place by the end of Sept, and didn't want to live with my FI before we got married. Rather than find another place to live before we got married in January, we changed the wedding date to the end of August. I am SOOO excited and happy! And so far, everything is going really smoothly as far as planning. I couldn't believe we were actually able to book a reception site so quick!

amwilli5

A friend of mine was engaged a couple years ago and she and he FI had the same ideals along with their families about not living together before marriage.  There were both graduating college and one lease was up a month before the wedding.  He didn't want to renew his lease because it would be a major waste of money to not live there for 11 months yet pay it.  So they talked about it and finally went back to their families and said they were going to move in together.  In doing this they assured their families that they wouldn't sleep together and she would sleep in the bedroom and he would sleep in the living room.  After stating the logistics of the situation and the plans for it both highly religious families were ok with with it.  

Is it possible for you guys to do this?  Be honest and actually stick to not sleeping together for those few weeks.  

GroomzMcFinehiney

Why is Living in quotes?  Is it as opposed to "dying" together, because God likes living in sin better than suicide pacts.

arthomas82

AMWILLI5 - Is that a Brittany Spaniel????

dawnmarie0627

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:6bba7a9c-8d23-43a0-b693-338be62de423">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE]Why did you delete your response? I was trying to quote it. Well, I think there are a whole lot of things wrong with this. <strong>If you share your FMIL religious views, then you shouldn't live together. If you do not, you should not be getting married by a Pastor or church that doesn't approve of you living together.</strong>Once again, I really don't see the problem. If   you and your FI not your FMIL are ok with living together while married, then do it. And look in a JOP.
Posted by hattieshay[/QUOTE]

My FI and I moved in together a few months ago. Both sets of parents were fine with it. We will be having a Catholic wedding. In the Catholic faith you are not supposed to live together before marriage. However, when we met with my churches Pastor, we were honest about the fact that we lived together. Although my Pastor was not happy with the news, he was happy that we were honest about it (apparently a lot of people lie to their priests about this and in his eyes that means that you are not taking your pre-marital classes seriously- I agree).

If you are sleeping in different bedrooms, I think it is pretty obvious that you are living together these 2 weeks because it is convenient and cost effective. IMO, you are not going against your parents wishes. When you tell them about it (make sure you mention separate bedrooms!) you might be surprised to find out that they are okay with it.

taraz579

OP,

It's hard to go against your parents, depending upon HOW your parents are....especially if they're footing the bill.  Do you really think, at two weeks out, they'd drop paying for things? Even though I'm sure they'd be really hurt & pissed, especially in this economy & scary world.... I would think they have to be somewhat understanding & sensible. 

I'm in a very similar situation.... Scott hurt his knee at boot camp, Sept 2008, returned to NY briefly to some things, came here (to PA) & moved in with me, as he was then unemployed.  Since then, we/ve bought our first home.  My mother was not keen on the idea, but what could she do? I was 26, living on my own, independent, etc.  And, now (almost 2 years later) my brother has done the same thing! Again, my mom is not thrilled, (as there are other circumstances with my brothers relationship, but that's his business) but we're adults.  My father is cool with everything, very laid back & hard to get excited.

Along similar lines to you being afraid the pastor will not marry you if he finds out,...my pastor (should I say EX-pastor) has made it clear he does not approve of us living together. And I'm hypocrite because I know the bible says it's wrong & continue to live together.  He wanted me to throw Scott out of our home to the rescue mission!!! How crazy is that!!! And, because I refuse to live separately, I am no longer allowed to play piano at my church, because that's considered leading worship & I cannot do that anymore....pretty upsetting to me.  I also have no idea if we'll be allowed to get married in my church, like I've been dreaming of forever.  Of course, either way the ex-pastor will not be officiating. 

Sorry, didn't want to steal your post...but I DO feel your pain. Although I understand how it can be, trying to constantly please parents, I think you should be honest.  You two are getting married in 14 days.  I'm sure during this time there will be plenty of wedding-related things that you guys will have to work on, rite?!?! Also, like PP's said, lying isn't good & it quite often backfires. 

I don't know if I just wouldn't mention it to anyone, but I'm sure it'll come up, with either his folks or yours.  If it's his (seems like his mom is going to snith to the pastor?) then that's something that he should deal with.  Again, he just needs to explain it's 2 weeks away and financially not only is it STUPID for him to live elsewhere but not feasible & unaffordable at this time. 

I wish you luck & don't envy your situation. Good luck & stand up for yourselves, no matter who is putting you guys down/trying to bring you guys down. 

riverjib

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:8879a6cf-b945-45a4-b837-77f975fb8667">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're an adult, and I'm assuming you are, you tell them that as adults you made a decision that worked for you, and then you stand by that decision.  My parents weren't thrilled when H and I moved in together way back when, but I went to them and said "Mom, Dad, I love you, and I know you love me.  You raised me to a responsible adult, who is fully capable of making my own decisions.  This is one of those decisions that I have made.  I hope that you can support me, but if you can't you have to recognize that won't be what makes me change my mind."  Then I left it at that.  Because they love me, and know they did a damned good job of raising me, they knew that I had put a lot of thought into moving in with him, so they respected my decision.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

That's cute. It's a fantastic after-school special, and sounds like Seventh Heaven. I get the issue. You need to either lie, or be honest and deal with the consequences. If your families are really that traditional, it may be better to protect them. Considering you're planning to have a traditional marriage, why burst their bubble now?

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:59736d37-8580-4179-b8ae-170567c2e6e2">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Living" together : That's cute. It's a fantastic after-school special, and sounds like Seventh Heaven. I get the issue. You need to either lie, or be honest and deal with the consequences. If your families are really that traditional, it may be better to protect them. Considering you're planning to have a traditional marriage, why burst their bubble now?
Posted by riverjib[/QUOTE]

Because I'm of the opinion that honesty is the best policy.  I didn't want to start off my marriage on a lie.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59eac9fb-de88-416c-b08f-e919c28badfcPost:fcf547ac-9f49-45d3-99dd-9b9bb7e32fea">Re: "Living" together</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Living" together : Because I'm of the opinion that honesty is the best policy.  I didn't want to start off my marriage on a lie.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

Actually, NO SHOPLIFTING is the best policy.

betrothed123

I'm a fan of the five fingered discount, TYVM.

betrothed123

I'd say Honesty is right up there with "I don't swim in your toilet.  Don't pee in my pool."

[Deleted User]

I love that one too. Also, the one about turning your cell phones off in an airplane. That's a good one too because it keeps you from falling out of the sky in a burning fire ball of death.

betrothed123

Also a good one.

tombraider21

My Fiance and I have been living together for the past year and we don't get married till october. My mom and his parents know that financially we cannot afford to live separately. So in financial sense, I think it is perfectly okay to be living together. If they ask again, I would tell them the truth and explain your reasoning for living together 2 weeks before the wedding. Two weeks is not going to ruin your future lives together. 

[Deleted User]

Ditto SarahPLiz . My parents were too thrilled when I said I was moving 650 miles away to be with my FI and that we were going to live together until I could get on my feet. Well, that didn't work out and I ended up staying with him. They are over it now.

Just be honest with them, and really, it is not the big of a deal. It will be fine.

miah_23_ncb

 I owuld exhaust all options before continuing to stay together. If the pastor is so against it I would see if FI could saty w/ him/her or another church family for 2 weeks. I would just sell it to the pastor by saying we can not afford it.

MarriahD22

THis was really really helpful, thanks! We would honestly sleep in separate bedrooms.... but actually a lady at work said he could crash with them for two weeks until the wedding to keep the peace in the family So it worked out!