I need some help.

tinalittle22

I created this fake knot account because I just cannot say who I really am.  You all know me so act like I am your best friend.  I couldn't sleep last night and need some HONEST opinions.  (but please, not mean, I'm actually asking for help)

I've been married for 8 months.  My husband has always been a drinker and it used to be 2 short glasses half full of Jack with 2 cubes of ice.  Lately, it has been 2 almost full short glasses of Jack with a couple cubes of ice.  Sometimes, I would even catch him having more when I go to bed.  Last night his empty glass was left on the table when I went to bed and this morning it is on his computer desk.  This is everyday.  It is making me so paranoid.

He does not act different when he drinks, maybe a little more talkative.  Our sex life is fine, he does not drive after drinking but it still bothers me.  He does not abuse me, hurt me or say mean things but I worry about his drinking habits.  I have talked to him in the past and he basically blows it off. 

What really gets me worried is when he hides it and has more when I go to bed.  I never grew up with parents who were drinkers so I think that any extra is an excessive amount.  Am I being dumb? Too paranoid?  Should I relax? Forget about it?

Or what should I do.  What should I say?

This will be a post and run because there is only so much time I have!

maratea

This sounds very similar to what I'm going through with H. I got so much good advice in my thread, "Has anyone else dealt with this". I don't have a whole lot of advice since I'm just starting to approach this with H. But just remember, you're not alone. If you need to talk, just send me a PM.

[Deleted User]

Do you mean that he got up after going to bed, drank, then came back to bed? Or that he had another glass after you went to bed alone? What is the time frame for his drinking? If he has a few glasses throughout the course of an entire night, that doesn't sound as bad as within a couple hours. But that also depends on how he holds his liquor and whether or not he knows when to stop drinking. I know people who can have 3 drinks and be fine, and others who are passed out by then.

I honestly don't know much about alcoholism and drinking, but if he's hiding it then it's a problem. I can't say what's too much because I don't know, and since he doesn't mistreat you or even act all that different then at first read it doesn't sound like he's too affected by it. He could just be relaxing/destressing, you know?

But, the fact that its every day could be concerning and I wouldn't take lightly if he's hiding it. I would sit him down and have an honest, open talk with him. Tell him you're worried, explain what you've noticed as mentioned in your post. I know you said he blows you off, but I would still suggest counseling or something just to make sure it doesn't escalate out of control. Good luck.

number55

I think that any behaviour that is hidden from loved ones is usually accompanied by some sort of shame.

I had what some might describe as a drinking problem in the years following my mother's death. Once I realized I had a problem I started drinking behind my roommate's back, hiding it somehow so that he wouldn't realize that I was drinking. Soon after that I realized that I clearly had to deal with my drinking and I took the steps I needed to take. At that point my roommate had made it known that he thought I might have a problem.

Maybe you need to talk to your DH frankly about your concerns.

I am sorry you are going through this but know that there are lots of support groups both you and he can turn to. I think that if it is keeping you up at night it clearly is an issue for you.  And if you feel like it is affecting your relationship with DH then it is an issue for both of you.

GL.

Lenore2010

I agree with talking with him, just do not be too distressed if he is not open to that yet. I know it is frustrating, but IF you get that reaction from him, back off and take a "wait and see" approach. See if the drinking increases over time or his behavior changes. Pressing the issue in an aggressive way, particularly if he is developing a problem will not work well. 

It is really hard, I know. You can talk to him about it but the ball is in his court as to what he does next. The only person you can control is you.

Best wishes.

Nebb

Unless he is waiting for you to fall asleep before he gets up to have another drink, it doesnt sound like he is hiding it. He is just continuing to drink after you have gone to bed and I dont really see a problem with that. I do think it sounds like you are being a bit judgemental just based on your upbringing, but you have to realize what is a lot for you (or anyone else) might not be a lot for him. If his behavior and the way he treats you doesnt change when he is drinking, he is obviously not very drunk or he is still atleast in control.

Talk to him about how this makes you feel and your concerns for his wellbeing, but dont attack what he is doing, because to me it doesnt sound like something all that wrong.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a0717f69-ffea-4dfa-b07c-9375e129e3e9Post:3fc64236-5aa5-45df-8039-c2b83d5a70fa">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with talking with him, just do not be too distressed if he is not open to that yet. I know it is frustrating, but IF you get that reaction from him, back off and take a "wait and see" approach. See if the drinking increases over time or his behavior changes. Pressing the issue in an aggressive way, particularly if he is developing a problem will not work well. 
Posted by Lenore2010[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  I have a different point of view because my fiance and I drink regularly and come from families that drink regularly.  Last night, I got home and poured myself two glasses of wine.  My fiance typically comes home and drinks one or two glasses of bourbon.  This behavior is quite normal for us and for the families we came from.  No, we don't do it every day but it is more often than not.  It also *never* interferes with our lives the next day. 

I only say this to offer you another perspective since you say this isn't something you've seen before.  I know many people, all professionals with excellent jobs, who unwind from the day in the same manner. 

If you see his behavior changing, him missing work or getting up late, him becoming excessively angry(or if he doesn't have any alcohol around at the end of the day he becomes angry), or really any behavior that does not seem like him, then he has certainly gone into a bad place.

LesPaul

You might consider contacting Al-Anon for some additional information.  I have not had personal experience with Al-Anon, but I have heard it is a very good organization.

Hiding his drinking could indicate that he is developing a problem.  You don't want it to progress to the point where it is affeccting his work or your home life.  You need to have that conversation with him.

sarah0725

I also kind of think that this amount of drinking might be in the normal range for some people. During the week that FI is off work (he works 70 hours one week and then is off the next), we can go through three or four bottles of wine in a week. We just like it, because we are into wine and we can't wait to see how the next bottle tastes. I definitely drink more than he does, and he sometimes teases me about it, but I don't think there's anything abnormal about either of us.

marissa_claire

I think it kind of depends on his moods and how it relates.  I'm not talking abuse, but during the day does he look forward to his drink?  How does he handle everything else when he's not drinking?

I can give you the following situation of a relative who fits the textbook definition of alcoholism, and I would say if any of this sounds similar or familiar then you might want to figure out a way to deal with it. She has a bottle of wine every day.  When she's not drinking, all she talks about is how she needs a drink.  When something's stressing her out, she says she needs a drink.  She uses excuses to get a drink, for example we were shopping one day and she said she was hungry.  Well low and behold when we sat down at a restaurant, she ordered two glasses of wine and finished those but barely touched the appetizer.  She said she was hungry just as an excuse to sit down and have a drink.  Her father was also an alcoholic, so her predisposition is high.  

If you're seriously concerned,  for one just look up facts about alcoholism to find out if his behaviors point to that being the case.  Now the bigger problem is that people who are alcoholics have a really hard time admitting a problem - admitting that it exists and admitting why it exists.  In that scenario you might want to talk to his parents (if comfortable) and see if they can help you.  I'd be scared too.