Snarky Brides

Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)

2

Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)

  • "On the day of the party, not once did she ask how I was or anything. "

    I am sorry but this is a red flag to me that this is a normal sibling rivalry and that yes, you are being a Bridezilla. 
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • It sounds more like two freakin children screaming at each other and not being able to voice what in particular is bothering them than a raging alcoholic. "I'm mad at you." and "You are a liar." disintegrating into screaming and "You're disinvited!!!!" in seconds is poor communication and immaturity from every angle. Alcohol being involved is just trashy icing on the trashy cake.
  • At one brothers wedding she threw up on the dance floor and acted so badly my dad drove her to the house and told her to pass out.  The other brothers wedding she got on the canon of the tank (at the american legion) and took her top off. 

    She gets under my skin because she is so disrepectful to all the family members.  She says she has never asked me for money, lie she asked a year ago for $5000.  She expects that I am a bank.  She is beyond rude to my mother and talks bad about her to everyone she talks to (FI friends confrimed that). She had no friends for a reason.  She had been divorced twice for a reason.  Before the blow up at the party she was crying to me about "poor her poor her" um, a hello how are your wedding plans coming along my have been a way to start the conversation. 

    I did have a conversation with her when I told her about the party.  I asked her that she does not drink too much because we all knows what happens.  She laughed and said she would keep it under control.  I also told her that if one negative comment about our mother comes out of her mouth, she will be asked to leave and not be part of the wedding.  I asked her to remember that I have let her be in the spot light and that just on a few days in the next year, she let the spot light be on me and not try to steal it.  She agreed and understood. It was a very civil conversation and she understood my concerns.  If she can't act like a grown adult at the engagement party, how is she going to act like one at our wedding? 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • In a point of reference, I did not drink the day of the party.  Sister was drinking too much like always when I asked her nicely not to.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:9692d75c-2974-4f45-a810-9f1060aadc27">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
    [QUOTE]At one brothers wedding she threw up on the dance floor and acted so badly my dad drove her to the house and told her to pass out.  The other brothers wedding she got on the canon of the tank (at the american legion) and took her top off.  She gets under my skin because she is so disrepectful to all the family members. <div><strong>That is annoying  I hope she doesn't drink too much at your wedding.</strong>   She says she has never asked me for money, lie she asked a year ago for $5000.  She expects that I am a bank.  She is beyond rude to my mother and talks bad about her to everyone she talks to (FI friends confrimed that). She had no friends for a reason.  She had been divorced twice for a reason. <strong>None of this has anything to do with your relationship with her.  Judging people who get divorced isn't that nice. </strong> Before the blow up at the party she was crying to me about "poor her poor her" um, a hello how are your wedding plans coming along my have been a way to start the conversation.<strong> I smell bridezilla.  Maybe your sister wanted/needed to talk to you about her life instead of your petty wedding plans?</strong>  I did have a conversation with her when I told her about the party.  I asked her that she does not drink too much because we all knows what happens.  She laughed and said she would keep it under control.  <strong>Good development.</strong>  I also told her that if one negative comment about our mother comes out of her mouth, she will be asked to leave and not be part of the wedding.  <strong>This just set you back from the previous good development.</strong>   I asked her to remember that I have let her be in the spot light and that just on a few days in the next year, she let the spot light be on me and not try to steal it.  She agreed and understood. It was a very civil conversation and she understood my concerns.  If she can't act like a grown adult at the engagement party, how is she going to act like one at our wedding? </div><div>Posted by soccerkris[/QUOTE]</div><div>
    </div><div>You are worried about your "spot light" being stolen - not about your sister ruining your wedding.  Get over it.  

    </div>
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Andy - I don't think she was judging her for getting a divorce, I got the feeling that she was saying that her divorces were a result of her craziness.

    And yeah, it sounds like she's a bit of a loose cannon. It also sounds like she might need help. Have you ever talked to her about her drinking? And I don't mean in a "this is my day, don't ruin it by getting drunk and making a fool of yourself" kind of way. I mean it in a "hey, we're worried about you" kind of way.
  • Yes, I don't want her to take the spot light.  That is correct.  But I am much more worried that she could easily ruin our wedding.  I can see her standing up in the middle of church and blurting out something inappropriate.  I can see her puking on my dress.  I can see her pulling out a gun.  I don't put any of that past her.  The word crazy is an understatement.

    I did not mean the divorce is a bad thing.  I don't judge people because it does happen.  That statement was meant that she does not know how to have relationships with people.

    I think you all for your different opinions. I have some time before the wedding and I will see if she decides to act like an adult for my wedding.  I may just invite her and have the GM be security if we need it.  I will also consult my brothers since they will be the ones babysitting her all day if they want that responsibility to deal with.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • My sister openly admits she cannot hold her drinking.  Drinking is just one of the many issues.  She is crazy (a doctor has even stated that without her meds she is a crazy person) and she has a very addictive personality.  We have all discussed this with her over the years and expressed concern.  She does not want help and has told us that.  Fun times.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • If you have a legitimate fear that she will pull out a gun, then she should probably not be at your wedding.

    I have to say, though, that it bugs me that this is all about you. I'm not reading any concern for her in your posts. If she's really this nuts, then she needs help. Would be this worried about her if it had nothing to do with your wedding?
  • Your sister needs help of the professional variety.  She doesn't need "disinviting," threats, brothers babysitting, or a partridge in a peartree.  She is screaming for help.  I know you can't make her get help.  Nobody could "make" me get help either back in the day.  I hit my own personal low and then I asked for help and they were there.  Don't turn your back.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:85ddb268-f585-40e8-b82a-0b179c21471b">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you have a legitimate fear that she will pull out a gun, then she should probably not be at your wedding. I have to say, though, that it bugs me that this is all about you. I'm not reading any concern for her in your posts. If she's really this nuts, then she needs help. Would be this worried about her if it had nothing to do with your wedding?
    Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]


    That's the vibe I'm getting as well.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:6b4893ee-7c94-4048-9063-e9b3d573d3f7">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your sister needs help of the professional variety.  She doesn't need "disinviting," threats, brothers babysitting, or a partridge in a peartree.  She is screaming for help.  I know you can't make her get help.  Nobody could "make" me get help either back in the day.  I hit my own personal low and then I asked for help and they were there.  Don't turn your back.
    Posted by Marrin713[/QUOTE]T
    <div>This.  OP - I'm glad that you weren't judging your sister for getting a divorce.  I still think that you need to focus on helping her - even if she says she doesn't want it.  And by help I mean getting her into counseling/rehab/detox - whatever she needs to get out of the hell she is living in.  </div>
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • We are always worried about her.  I honestly not sure if she takes her meds like she is suppose to and if she doesn't I don't know what she would do.  I have tried to talk to her so many times about taking care of herself and doing what the doctors tell her.  I have offered to pay for rehab before.  Her brothers have talked to her about the same concerns.  She does not like to take accountability for her actions and we all try to address that with her.  I try to be as positive wih her as possible (her glass is alway 1/2 empty).  We as a family, have tried so many different approaches to her over the years. 

    My mom is scared that my sister lives 15 minutes away.  I grew up in a small town and never locked doors.  My mom now locks the doors even when she is home because she is not sure what my sister will do.  My FI offered to change all the locks if it was needed. 

    We all have tired to talk with her.  She is not going to change and I have accepted that.  that is why I am not tryng to change her but trying to avoid the issues that could happen if she is their.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited May 2010
    Kris - this goes way beyond wedding etiquette and whether or not to have her there.  As another poster pointed out your sister is living in hell.  And she does not know how to get out of it.  It's easy to sit back and say, "well, take your meds.  Listen to your doctor."  Rational thinking and reasoning does not apply.  As an addict you want an easy way out and an easy way to dull the pain so you drink or you drug.  And that leads to inappropriate behaviors that piss others off.  It seems like its a never-ending battle but it's not.  It can be done and a solid support system helps immeasurably.

    Okay, off the soapbox....way TMI on my part.

    Short answer:  do what you feel is best in your situation.  I personally would not shun her on this occasion.
  • hum...so this went from your sister leaves nasty voice mails and talks bad about your mother to now people fear for their lives when she's around. i have a weird feeling that you are completely blowing this out of proportion, especially since you stated that her doctor said "she's a crazy person without her meds" as no doctor would use that language. if she really is a threat to other's lives you can have her forcibly institutionalized. 

    i really think though that you're completely exaggerating her behavior and making it all about you and how she hurts you and could ruin your day. it sounds like you are trying to justify your behavior by making her behavior worse. 
  • If my sister had a drinking problem then I would probably make sure there isn't alcohol around.  Is she okay around you when she isn't drinking?  Have you seen her at dry events/weddings?  Could this be an option at your wedding?  It sounds like she needs help. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:43249d82-387b-4b67-8e68-1e949eb68fd0">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
    [QUOTE]<u><strong>We are always worried about her.</strong></u>  I honestly not sure if she takes her meds like she is suppose to and if she doesn't I don't know what she would do.  I have tried to talk to her so many times about taking care of herself and doing what the doctors tell her.  I have offered to pay for rehab before.  Her brothers have talked to her about the same concerns.  She does not like to take accountability for her actions and we all try to address that with her.  I try to be as positive wih her as possible (her glass is alway 1/2 empty).  We as a family, have tried so many different approaches to her over the years.  My mom is scared that my sister lives 15 minutes away.  I grew up in a small town and never locked doors.  My mom now locks the doors even when she is home because she is not sure what my sister will do.  My FI offered to change all the locks if it was needed.  We all have tired to talk with her.  She is not going to change and I have accepted that.  that is why I am not tryng to change her but trying to avoid the issues that could happen if she is their.
    Posted by soccerkris[/QUOTE]

    Yeah it sounds that way.  Your brothers yelling at her, you yelling at her and kicking her out of your wedding, Dad taking her home and telling her to "Pass out", everyone coming together to agree on cutting her out of your lives.  That screams of concern......

    What did you really expect when you confronted an alcoholic while she was drunk? 
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • I think the alcoholism was pretty apparent in the first post. The sister was drunk, drunk, drunk at multiple occasions according to the OP, and does not sound like she is receptive to help now.

    For everyone who things the OP is just some selfish little beotch who "does not care about her sister just her own wedding" or whatever-walk a mile in those shoes. I do not mean from the addicted side, either but from the family/close friend side. You might feel less inclined to judge.
  • Blueyed228Blueyed228 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited May 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:c75a42a8-283e-49f6-bbe2-e428253bc728">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think the alcoholism was pretty apparent in the first post. The sister was drunk, drunk, drunk at multiple occasions according to the OP, and does not sound like she is receptive to help now. For everyone who things the OP is just some selfish little beotch who "does not care about her sister just her own wedding" or whatever-walk a mile in those shoes. I do not mean from the addicted side, either but from the family/close friend side. You might feel less inclined to judge.
    Posted by Lenore2010[/QUOTE]

    My brother was a 3 bag a day heroin addict for 6 years.

    I still judge OP.  From her posts, she was looking for this to happen.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • I think many people on here find it hard to believe that a sister can be that bad to warrant having her invite revoked.  However, I know first hand what it is like to have siblings that make family functions almost impossible.  My mother's brother (the Uncle I never really knew) was similar to this.  He was unruly and made life intolerable.  My grandmother disowned him and asked him not to come by anymore.  It hurts and it sucks, but some people do it on themselves.  He no longer has invites to Christmas or other celebrations.  Unless you experience this, cutting a family member out seems caddy and irrational to others.

    I can see if you had a tiff with your sister and revoked her invite in anger then you are acting like a "bridezilla".  But it seems to me, even from your original post w/o all the details, that this is a situation with years of details and drama.  The fact that your family supports your decision backs that up.  It's not like you are the only one who does not want your sister there;  it seems that most people in the family would be more comfortable if she wasn't around either. 

    I think you are fine in your decision, though I know it must trouble you to have to make it.  Hopefully she gets help and sees how she ostracizes herself from the family.  Best of luck!
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • No one here finds it hard to believe that a sister can be that bad. The reason her story is being doubted is because she has yet to explain exactly what caused the fight at the engagement party--she is making it sound like it came out of the clear blue sky which is very doubtful.  She also has only brought up her sister's problems in the context of how it will affect her wedding day, until others pointed this out and then she said she was super-concerned about her sister's well-being.  Seems fishy. 
  • If your sister really does behave as you say, you need to get an intervention for her.  No one is behaving well in this whole situation.  Yelling and screaming and belittling her isn't going to magically make her behave.  She sounds like a mentally ill alcoholic.  You and your family should go to some al-anon meetings to learn some ways to deal with her.  Talk to a psychologist or counselor about setting up an intervention.  They'll show you all some ways to talk to her that sounds more like you're concerned about her well-being, not that you're concerned about your pretty pretty princess day.  Cause that's all she's hearing, and she doesn't care about your day because she doesn't think you guys care about her.  It doesn't matter how many times you say to her you care, your actions and that of family is making it seem otherwise.

    Do her a favor and get her some real help.  Disinviting her is not the best way to deal with the situation, at all.
  • edited May 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:46d7c65f-32c2-4f34-aa80-54fb84c4551a">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
    [QUOTE]No one here finds it hard to believe that a sister can be that bad. The reason her story is being doubted is because she has yet to explain exactly what caused the fight at the engagement party--she is making it sound like it came out of the clear blue sky which is very doubtful.  <strong>She also has only brought up her sister's problems in the context of how it will affect her wedding day,</strong> until others pointed this out and then she said she was super-concerned about her sister's well-being.  Seems fishy. 
    Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

    No, I disagree.  I think it would be very hard for her to explain EXACTLY what happened to cause these disruptions in her family, and I don't feel that she has to prove anything.  She says there have been past issues, and I take her word for it.

    I do also believe she is concerned for her sister's well-being, but as this is a <u>wedding forum and not a family counseling forum,</u> she is posting her concerns about her wedding here.

    Being concerned that an event meant to celebrate her and her FIs union may turn into another venue for her sister to prove that she is unstable is valid!  And this is a good place to vent and seek advice.  I don't think this implies that during other days of the week or years she doesn't care for her sister's happiness.  I am sure if she wanted advice about how to deal with a self-destructive sister and what steps to take to help her get better she can go to other discussion boards that focus on that.  Here, she just wants to vent about her <u>wedding day</u>.  Not all of us are trained counsels nor can we know exactly what problems have been building in this family for YEARS.

    Sometimes for certain events that are suppose to be about family and union, you have to think about yourself and save the therapy for the sick individual for later.   I have had situations in my family where that member is not invited, just because for that ONE DAY, everyone can just enjoy themselves.  These extend to children's birthdays, christenings, and so on.  These events are not the place to have someone around that threatens the well-being of others.    And it's hard.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Perhaps the best help for the depth of this situation can be found at a family counselor's office rather than a wedding board.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:f5631759-4742-46bf-b363-4e854b25fe12">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Perhaps the best help for the depth of this situation can be found at a family counselor's office rather than a wedding board.
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

    Yes, my thoughts exactly! 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:8f5bfc76-296e-4220-a499-08a27e5aa65e">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed) : Yes, my thoughts exactly! 
    Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]


    Really?  Because that's not at all what you said.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:46d7c65f-32c2-4f34-aa80-54fb84c4551a">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
    [QUOTE]No one here finds it hard to believe that a sister can be that bad. The reason her story is being doubted is because she has yet to explain exactly what caused the fight at the engagement party--she is making it sound like it came out of the clear blue sky which is very doubtful.  She also has only brought up her sister's problems in the context of how it will affect her wedding day, until others pointed this out and then she said she was super-concerned about her sister's well-being.  Seems fishy. 
    Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

    100% this.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:92099a2d-e8ba-4ec7-be5f-ecc403630f76">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed) : Really?  Because that's not at all what you said.
    Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

    Yes, my <em><strong>thoughts</strong></em>.  This woman wants advice about her decision regarding her wedding.  People keep giving her "advice" regarding how to deal with her sister. 

    THAT is not needed here. I support her decision on not inviting her sister if it will be that much of an issue with the family.  How she and the rest of her family decide to deal with the rest of their lives with the sister is not up for discussion here.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:bffefe93-6a9a-4ab0-8699-f0aa3184d2c7">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed) : No, I disagree.  I think it would be very hard for her to explain EXACTLY what happened to cause these disruptions in her family, and I don't feel that she has to prove anything.  She says there have been past issues, and I take her word for it.<u><strong> I do also believe she is concerned for her sister's well-being, but as this is a wedding forum and not a family counseling forum, she is posting her concerns about her wedding here.</strong></u><em><u><strong> </strong></u></em>Being concerned that an event meant to celebrate her and her FIs union may turn into another venue for her sister to prove that she is unstable is valid!  And this is a good place to vent and seek advice.  I don't think this implies that during other days of the week or years she doesn't care for her sister's happiness.  I am sure if she wanted advice about how to deal with a self-destructive sister and what steps to take to help her get better she can go to other discussion boards that focus on that.  Here, she just wants to vent about her wedding day .  Not all of us are trained counsels nor can we know exactly what problems have been building in this family for YEARS. Sometimes for certain events that are suppose to be about family and union, you have to think about yourself and save the therapy for the sick individual for later.   I have had situations in my family where that member is not invited, just because for that ONE DAY, everyone can just enjoy themselves.  These extend to children's birthdays, christenings, and so on.  These events are not the place to have someone around that threatens the well-being of others.    And it's hard.
    Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]


    See? right here.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to let someone with 55 posts who has been a member of the community for less than a month tell me how I can and cannot respond to a question.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards