Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)

Blueyed228

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:bffefe93-6a9a-4ab0-8699-f0aa3184d2c7">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed) : No, I disagree.  I think it would be very hard for her to explain EXACTLY what happened to cause these disruptions in her family, and I don't feel that she has to prove anything.  She says there have been past issues, and I take her word for it. I do also believe she is concerned for her sister's well-being, but as this is a wedding forum and not a family counseling forum, she is posting her concerns about her wedding here. Being concerned that an event meant to celebrate her and her FIs union may turn into another venue for her sister to prove that she is unstable is valid!  And this is a good place to vent and seek advice.  I don't think this implies that during other days of the week or years she doesn't care for her sister's happiness.  I am sure if she wanted advice about how to deal with a self-destructive sister and what steps to take to help her get better she can go to other discussion boards that focus on that.  Here, she just wants to vent about her wedding day .  Not all of us are trained counsels nor can we know exactly what problems have been building in this family for YEARS. Sometimes for certain events that are suppose to be about family and union, you have to think about yourself and <u><strong>save the therapy for the sick individual for later</strong></u>.   I have had situations in my family where that member is not invited, just because for that ONE DAY, everyone can just enjoy themselves.  These extend to children's birthdays, christenings, and so on.  These events are not the place to have someone around that threatens the well-being of others.    And it's hard.
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

I love how you felt the need to underline "wedding day" like that trumps the real situation at hand.

Like somehow because its "MY WEDDING DAY!!!" it makes it more important the the health and well being of a sister.

Your advice to save the therapy for later is just gross.  If my brother somehow relapsed and needed help again, my wedding would be the last thing on my mind.

You should really get some perspective here.

goheels05

Seriously.  It's like saying, "so you're thinking about committing suicide?  Could it wait until after the wedding?  I mean, obviously after the wedding I will try to talk you out of it, but I can only focus on one thing at a time here.  You're not going to come to my ceremony with bloody wrists, are you?  Well of course I am concerned, but right now we're talking about my wedding.  We'll talk about your therapy later."

Blueyed228

Exactly.

My brother did much worse things when he was on drugs.  Way worse than calling me a b!tch.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry, M&R, but you're completely wrong in this. There is a much bigger issue going on here and it's obvious. If you choose to gloss over it and pretend that further alienating her sick sister is the right thing to do, then by all means, go ahead and do it. But please don't begin to tell us how to respond to her because this is a wedding forum. People come on here all the time to talk about NWR issues. And this screams NWR issue to me.

soccerkris

Blueeyed I understand your deal with your brother.  Same sister was a cocaine addict for 10 years.  She has been in therapy since she was 14 years old.  (on and off)  I gave her a name of a therapist that I know is good (she recently moved back to my hometown area).  M&R, thank your for your comments. 

How the whole discussion started that my sister said she was mad at me.  I told her the feeling was mutual.  She told me I was a bitch and a liarer but she could not tell me what I lied about.  I told her that the way she treats people especially myself and my mom was beyond mean. 

I have address so many things to her when she has been sober.  This drama is nothing new with my sister.  This has been going on since before I can remember. 
I do appreciate everyone's comments.  I has given me a lot of think about. 

Lenore2010

I hope it gets better for your sister and your family SK. It sounds like it got better for your brother and your family Blueyed and I am glad if that is the case.

This stuff is never about a wedding, it is all about years of pain and awfulness for both the person with MI and addiction issues AND the family, and it sounds like the OP's family has been through the wringer and back. That is why her brother was supporting the decision to exclude the sister, no doubt.

Things happened to me and my family around my sister's issues that I would not even list here. It does not always all work out okay, and I am sure you all would judge very harshly that I finally had to cut all ties with her. Literally 25 years of hell with her was all I could do-and I was not doing either of us any good by continuing to have contact with her. 

So, no I cannot bring myself to judge the OP no matter what she decides to do, and if you have anything like our sort of experience and you do still judge her all I can say is I am baffled, frankly.

My sister died-sober ironically but sober to late-she had done so much damage to her heart with the booze and drugs by the time she stopped it was just too late. I hope for the OP and her family the story ends differently here.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:91cb7daf-36ad-4be3-9cad-03f6b89054ac">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
[QUOTE]I hope it gets better for your sister and your family SK. It sounds like it got better for your brother and your family Blueyed and I am glad if that is the case. This stuff is never about a wedding, it is all about years of pain and awfulness for both the person with MI and addiction issues AND the family, and it sounds like the OP's family has been through the wringer and back. That is why her brother was supporting the decision to exclude the sister, no doubt. Things happened to me and my family around my sister's issues that I would not even list here. It does not always all work out okay, <strong>and I am sure you all would judge very harshly that I finally had to cut all ties with her</strong>. Literally 25 years of hell with her was all I could do-and I was not doing either of us any good by continuing to have contact with her.  So, no I cannot bring myself to judge the OP no matter what she decides to do, and if you have anything like our sort of experience and you do still judge her all I can say is I am baffled, frankly. My sister died-sober ironically but sober to late-she had done so much damage to her heart with the booze and drugs by the time she stopped it was just too late. I hope for the OP and her family the story ends differently here.
Posted by Lenore2010[/QUOTE]

No. I really wouldn't. I've lived with alcoholism in my family for most of my life and I totally understand that sometimes, the only answer is cut yourself off from that family member because it's the only healthy thing to do.

My point is that OP should deal with her sister on that level as opposed to handling it as merely a wedding invite issue. If she really feels that she's done everything she can to help, then perhaps it is the right answer, but until her last post, I really didn't get that vibe from her. I think that you are projecting your own experience into the situation and read much more into the situation than the OP initially shared.

Lenore2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:776bcbf9-b989-467a-816c-640b40aeebe4">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed) : No. I really wouldn't. I've lived with alcoholism in my family for most of my life and I totally understand that sometimes, the only answer is cut yourself off from that family member because it's the only healthy thing to do. My point is that OP should deal with her sister on that level as opposed to handling it as merely a wedding invite issue. If she really feels that she's done everything she can to help, then perhaps it is the right answer, but until her last post, I really didn't get that vibe from her. <strong>I think that you are projecting your own experience into the situation and read much more into the situation than the OP initially shared.</strong>
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks and you likely have a point there Cew. It is just that the OP's first post gave me that feeling-that it really was a bad situation and I think the follow up posts she made bore that out. However, looking just at what was there in the first post logically, it could have not been the case.

</div>

Blueyed228

If OP came on here and said "Im really sad that it came to this, but my family and I have tried over and over to help my sister and address her inappropriate behavior to no avail, so I had to ask her not to attend my wedding and I feel awful about it"--I would have had a different response.

But she came on here like "Whew!  So glad I finally got flip out on my loser sister  the way that my whole family has wanted to for years just so that bitch wont ruin MY DAY!"

FWIW:  I would NEVER give up on my brother.  Regardless of what he has done.  But I dont judge anyone who had to make that decision.

jillross

You have to do what is right for you - forget everyone else. It's your wedding and if you feel that strongly than don't. Worrying your day away that she'll doing something you feel is inappropriate isn't worth it. 

Blueyed228

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:8150636b-7655-44df-b578-fa6669cbd341">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
[QUOTE]You have to do what is right for you - forget everyone else. It's your wedding and if you feel that strongly than don't. Worrying your day away that she'll doing something you feel is inappropriate isn't worth it. 
Posted by jillross[/QUOTE]

Hey, as long as your willing to ruin your relationship forever with your sister, then by all means.  Treat her like a leper.

Lenore2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:a1408dd5-01a1-4998-b828-0e53d2dfced1">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
[QUOTE]If OP came on here and said "Im really sad that it came to this, but my family and I have tried over and over to help my sister and address her inappropriate behavior to no avail, so I had to ask her not to attend my wedding and I feel awful about it"--I would have had a different response. But she came on here like "Whew!  So glad I finally got flip out on my loser sister  the way that my whole family has wanted to for years just so that bitch wont ruin MY DAY!" FWIW:  I would NEVER give up on my brother.  Regardless of what he has done.  But I dont judge anyone who had to make that decision.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

<div>You make some good points, too Blueyed. I hope you can always keep that vow re your brother. For us, or at least for me it was not so much a matter of giving up as letting go and I think that it actually helped to make for those final years of sobriety she did have, oddly enough. Sometimes when no one is left to pick up the pieces is just when people turn themselves around.</div>

beatlesgirl25

OP, I agree with most of the PP's in that you have a family issue, not a wedding issue. Best of luck in working on reaching a resolution for this complex situation.

M&R, telling someone to save therapy for later (and "sick individual," really?) is terribly irresponsible. Almost as irresponsible as this forum would be to ignore the glaring familial discord at the root of the OP's story, so that we can "just" give wedding advice. That's like giving someone a band-aid for a headache.

Lenore, I'm very sorry to hear about your sister.

goheels05

I just wanted to share this gem of a PM I got from M&R:

[QUOTE]
<p>Don't pick fights on message boards, hu?  The woman is looking for advice and people are trying to give it.  No one is telling you how or what to answer....and if you don't agree with someone's opinion, that is fine.  Your response to "my thoughts exactly" was out of place as well.  I was agreeing with that post.  Why do you feel you I need to verify that thought with text from my previous post?  I don't get why people have to be so damn nasty with everyone when all is being given is advice or discussion.  </p><p> And my "time with the community" has nothing to do with this.  This isn't a cult or clique, and there is no hierarchy of members to this board based on length of time or posts made.   FYI I changed my name and got a new account, I've been her for 7 months total.</p> The immaturity is not appreciated.[/QUOTE]

I love it when people use PMs to say things they don't have the balls to say on the board and/or to get the last word in. 

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_sister-disinvited-rant-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9760e82-2b5b-4375-a7b8-a050b41685faPost:44c261c4-faa1-4232-a315-f21e935811d0">Re: Sister has been disinvited (rant and advice needed)</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to share this gem of a PM I got from M&R: I love it when people use PMs to say things they don't have the balls to say on the board and/or to get the last word in. 
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]
Awesome.

M&R- Grow a pair.

goheels05

The best part may be "don't judge me based on how long I have been here!  BTW, I've really been here for 7 months, not 3 weeks, but don't judge!"

betrothed123

That is quite incredible, and I guess by her logic that makes you royalty and a peasant all at the same time.

Blueyed228

I wonder why she changed her name........

goheels05

Ha!

Lenore2010

Thank you Beetles.

As to the PM situation, that is really bad manners. You never carry an online argument into a PM. Even a PM apology is questionable IMO.

I agree, say that kind of thing on the board or not at all. Have some ovaries about the whole thing dangnabbit!