Someone snap me out of this pity party (kinda long)

[Deleted User]

I think the wedding planning is finally getting to me and Fi is starting to irritate me. I understand that things are crazy busy right now, he's taking a class, working every day, I'm working as much OT as possible while taking care of everythng wedding related. Normally, we have a fantastic relationship and I certainly don't doubt that he is the one for me. The problem?

He barely has time to talk to me at the end of the day because he's studying or working. Fine, I get that. He all but bites my head off saying he has no free time when I ask him to help address wedding invitations or go order the cake with me. Understandable, wedding planning isn't really fun for guys. I have to all but drag him to the store for his vest and ring, and heaven forbid I suggest we see a movie. And yet...

His friends are having a party on Sunday, and he's more than willing to take half a day off to attend. Then last night best man calls and convinces him to have a bachelor party. Sure, now he can suddenly take a weekend off for that. Now, we had previously agreed no parties, but if we did have one it would be joint so our entire wedding party could attend. Now, they just want to go fishing and best man thinks I'm joking when I say there won't be a wedding if strippers are present (I trust my FI, but not his friends and certainly not naked women who will do nearly anything for an extra buck).
 
It's not so much the party itself that bothers me, but the time thing. I want to feel important too! He can't take me to the movies for 2 hours, but he can drive an hour and a half for a damn fishing trip all weekend? WTF? Nothing I can do, I guess, except talk to him and find out why he has time for everyone else and not me. Boys really suck sometimes.

buddhagouda

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_someone-snap-out-of-this-pity-party-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:f437e918-3ee2-4696-a201-0c0e12ee1608Post:919c78d4-c3e8-4317-ac7c-24f0dffe6a57">Someone snap me out of this pity party (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Nothing I can do, I guess, except talk to him and find out why he has time for everyone else and not me. 
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

<div>I think you answered your own question right there. </div>

[Deleted User]

I know, but every time I try to talk to him he gets defensive and says I'm trying to take him away from his friends. No, I'm not, I just want to feel like I matter too, you know? Usually I end up feeling guilty when I mention things like this to him because he is so hard on himself.

MeaghanandMichael

Boys really suck sometimes.

Yeah, he is acting like a boy and not a man. He needs to grow up and I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk about relationship expectations with him.

buddhagouda

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_someone-snap-out-of-this-pity-party-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:f437e918-3ee2-4696-a201-0c0e12ee1608Post:350bbd9c-793e-4037-a741-01f6f36cadce">Re: Someone snap me out of this pity party (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I know, but every time I try to talk to him he gets defensive and says I'm trying to take him away from his friends. No, I'm not, I just want to feel like I matter too, you know? Usually I end up feeling guilty when I mention things like this to him because he is so hard on himself.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

<div>Communication is hard, yo. Shockingly, adults are supposed to be able to do without blame and guilt. </div>

buddhagouda

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_someone-snap-out-of-this-pity-party-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:f437e918-3ee2-4696-a201-0c0e12ee1608Post:8d8da3dc-578d-48c5-a66a-218d7f7e32a9">Re: Someone snap me out of this pity party (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Someone snap me out of this pity party (kinda long) : Tell him that. My attempts at conversation about matters such as these usually end with him sulking like a child. I swear he turns into a kid getting yelled at by his mother whenever I dare to point out something stupid he's doing. Thank god he's not like that any other time. And I understand that it's rough right now, the winter is always hard financially for us so we work our butts off to make ends meet. But that's no excuse for his behavior, in my opinion anyway.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No, it's not, and you should be able to tell him that. Good luck with all that. 

</div>

HappyTummy613

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_someone-snap-out-of-this-pity-party-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:f437e918-3ee2-4696-a201-0c0e12ee1608Post:8d8da3dc-578d-48c5-a66a-218d7f7e32a9">Re: Someone snap me out of this pity party (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]
 And I understand that it's rough right now, the winter is always hard financially for us so we work our butts off to make ends meet.

Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

Do you know tarafire?  She could give you tips on how to save your money by hunting your own meat.

fiddle14

Just to put the shoe on the other foot, take a look from his point of view.  He clearly needs a break from all the work he's doing.  Given the choice between helping you with wedding stuff (which you already admit he's not that into) and spending a relaxing weekend with his friends, I can see where he would choose a fishing trip or party with his friends in order to get the R&R he so desperately needs.

I can ALSO see that it leaves you out in the cold and that SUCKS.  You suggested a movie and he grumbled about the 2 hours that would take, but he'll take a whole weekend off to spend with his friends? 

Marriage is about compromise.  You probably need a break too!  Why can't he select ONE (instead of two) of the events with his friends and choose a different day to do something fun with you?  Suggest this and see what he says.  If he can't make this simple compromise, I think you need to have a discussion about priorities.  Trust me, being married just magnifies these types of issues - they don't go away.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_someone-snap-out-of-this-pity-party-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:f437e918-3ee2-4696-a201-0c0e12ee1608Post:22221b4b-16c5-41a3-92e5-de755b98cdac">Re: Someone snap me out of this pity party (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to put the shoe on the other foot, take a look from his point of view.  He clearly needs a break from all the work he's doing.  Given the choice between helping you with wedding stuff (which you already admit he's not that into) and spending a relaxing weekend with his friends, I can see where he would choose a fishing trip or party with his friends in order to get the R&R he so desperately needs. I can ALSO see that it leaves you out in the cold and that SUCKS.  You suggested a movie and he grumbled about the 2 hours that would take, but he'll take a whole weekend off to spend with his friends?  Marriage is about compromise.  You probably need a break too!  Why can't he select ONE (instead of two) of the events with his friends and choose a different day to do something fun with you?  Suggest this and see what he says.  If he can't make this simple compromise, I think you need to have a discussion about priorities.  Trust me, being married just magnifies these types of issues - they don't go away.
Posted by fiddle14[/QUOTE]

We rarely have these issues, but with work, wedding planning, and other stuff being so hectic everything is reaching that point of chaos. I too see his need for serious R&R and time alone with pals, not trying to take that away from him. But damn, priorities man!

I doubt he will only go with 1 event, as they are with 2 different groups of friends and we already promised to do the one on Snuday. Originally we discussed having a joint bachelor/bachelorette party if we did one at all so our entire wedding party could get together, so maybe I can get him back on board with that. Oh well, we'll see what comes of our talk tonight.

krmabojo

You are both stressed with work, school and working overtime.

There are days where I might see FI over dinner and that is not. He has lot os hmwk since he graduates this May. I get frustrated and I know that he is not having fun working.

he needs a break from work adn school, just as you need a break as well. I KNow my Fi at the end of the day does not want to talk about the wedding because he gets stressed and thikns about all the stuff we still have to do and the money we are spending.

I can see why you would be frustrated with him wanting to hang with firneds, but guys need guy time (meaning no weddign tlak whatsoever) just like girls need girl time (wedding stuff!). he more than likely just wants to completly forgot about the wedding stuff for a night.

Also,hang out with your girls if he is with the guys. You need your ladies too.

Make sure that you guys can take tiem off of wedding stuff and have a date and just enjoy being engaged and just enjoy beign with eachother.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_someone-snap-out-of-this-pity-party-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:f437e918-3ee2-4696-a201-0c0e12ee1608Post:d9b8bafd-8562-4b01-878b-6bc9a8806638">Re: Someone snap me out of this pity party (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Someone snap me out of this pity party (kinda long) : Does he like going to the movies? I only ask because I, personally, don't. It's expensive, the seats aren't all that comfortable, there's always some jerk who wants to talk through the whole thing, and staring straight ahead at a big screen isn't really "spending time" together. I'd much rather rent a movie and watch it at home.  Was it a specific movie you wanted to go see that maybe he had no desire to see? I guess my point is, try to find something that you both like to do. Maybe he would rather go out to dinner. Or take an afternoon hike one weekend.  Or suggest a different movie that he's interested in. If he likes going to the movies my whole argument is moot, though
Posted by nthomas983[/QUOTE]

We like going to the movies (at odd times though, fewer people in the theater) so no, he wasn't not wanting to go due to not being interested. And usually, I prefer to wait until a movie comes to DVD, but I really want to see Percy Jackson (I know, I'm such a geek, but what can I say, my minor was Classic Civilizations and the movie has my curiosity). He wants to see it too.

So, it's not the movie issue, it's the time thing. But, it seems to have been resolved, for now anyway. He knows where I stand and promised to make time for us, with no wedding or work talk.

Izzygrim

I've been wondering lately if even the most committed guys have little mini committment-rebelions before weddings. Not that he is getting cold feet or having second thoughts or anything, but maybe there is a little something inside him that wants to express his individualism before he is officially "tied down"? Kind of like he knows he is going to be spending the rest of his life "tied" to you so he wants to enjoy his free time right now with friends? And even though you guys don't spend "quality" time together right now, he probably feels like he sees you way more than his friends, so he wants to jump at the opportunity to have guy time whenever he can. I wouldn't worry about it too much though, especially since he hasn't always been this way.

nthomas983

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_someone-snap-out-of-this-pity-party-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:f437e918-3ee2-4696-a201-0c0e12ee1608Post:599587ef-1d41-4813-a909-defafbd61cec">Re: Someone snap me out of this pity party (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]IAnd usually, I prefer to wait until a movie comes to DVD, but I really want to see Percy Jackson (I know, I'm such a geek, but what can I say, my minor was Classic Civilizations and the movie has my curiosity). He wants to see it too.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

Ha! I actually really want to see that too...my minor was Classical Culture :-) Don't think I'll be able to convine my FI to geek out with me, though.  I'm glad to hear that you guys were able to talk things out! Good luck!